I believe a balanced life is a difficult life to obtain. Balance is extremely delicate. Balance means knowing what you can personally handle and when you need a break. Balance means knowing when to schedule “you” time. I’m not very good with balance. I tend to be over focused on work, my kids, and running my business which is a nail salon located next door to my house. I feel like I live a very privileged life and I am by no means complaining. I have children who are good kids, a wonderful husband, and dedicated friends who constantly have my back. I created this blog to give me some “me” time. It’s my way of sorting out my thoughts while receiving feedback from my readers.
A little about my current life, I have two teenagers who are almost 13 and almost 15. I was a pretty disconnected mom when they were little causing me to feel like I needed to overcompensate for my inactivity in their lives once their step-dad died. When my husband passed away when they were 6 and 8 I realized how I needed to step up my game as a mom and earn the title….so to speak. I promised my son and daughter that I would NEVER again allow someone to come between us the way I had allowed my former husband to. In response to this my 8-year-old son says to me, and I quote, “Your here now mom and that’s all that matters.” Children are so forgiving. Please don’t mistake me as a mother who abandoned her children for that was not the case. However, you know those moments when your present but you’re not really present? That was me…I would use the tv as a babysitter, I would call their dad or my mom to come get them as I was selfish and wanted to hang out with my then boyfriend whom I later married….big mistake in some ways, but in others I’m not sure I would be who I am today without that experience. So maybe God saw an opportunity to teach me a few things along the way since I I was hellbent on being stubborn.
I got married to a man I’d known for years 10 months after my first husband passed away.Gary and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. For the record, I never cheated. Some people assume that since I got married so fast that I must have been cheating; that was not the case. In our case, I was involved a church that preached heavily about not having sex before marriage which was pretty much the basis of why we got married so fast. Don’t get me wrong, I believe Gary and I would have ended up getting married eventually, just not as fast as we did. But since we did, “honor God” I do believe that God helps us out when things are sticky around here.And this last year has been hell. I think I started to develop a drinking problem this past year, and suffered horribly from depression. As I have stepped back, I have realized that I don’t have a drinking problem. My problem is that I was horribly depressed for many reasons which made me want to drink. Since I have gotten my hormones and depression under control this is no longer an issue. THANK GOD!
My point is this, I am a mom FIRST, because my kids did not ask to be brought into this world, a wife second and everything else comes after that. My husband would argue that he comes last, and in all reality he is probably right. See, I am OBSESSIVE about raising good human beings, I’m extremely dedicated to my job, and friends, and when it comes to my husband (who is AMAZING) I am typically stretched so thin that I oftentimes just want to retreat to being alone so I can just veg out. BECAUSE I AM HORRIBLE WITH BALANCE!
For example, we had quite the bombshell dropped on us several weeks ago. Since it had to do with one of my children it’s all I have been dealing with for the last several weeks…which is totally fine. My son desperately needed me and I was happy to be there for him. However, I am EXHAUSTED mentally! Between that situation and working an extreme amount of hours during the holidays, I have had NO downtime. This is the first weekend my kids have not been home in several weeks. Their dad and I used to split them one week on and one week off; we’ve been on that schedule, for the most part, since they were one and three; so their entire lives. They came to live with Gary and I full-time in May of this last year. It was quite a change having them full-time. It was overwhelming but ultimately the best decision for the children. Honestly, I was ELATED that this was the new plan, because I am ultimately the better parent (Brian, their dad, says the same thing). My kids and I have developed a new-found bond that is tighter than ever. Now that they have reached junior high and high school they need someone who can focus their full attention on where they are, what they are doing, and it works out perfectly.
However; I still need to find balance, I need to find a better balance, one that makes my husband feel more included, and part of me wonders if it really exists…..Any thoughts?
This post only gave you a tip of the iceberg on my background. I promise to continue to post posts that will put a lot of detail in more perspective. If you would like me write a specific post, on something you would like to know more about, please feel free to comment and ask.