I have diagnosed myself with Obsessive Compulsive Eating Disorder. I’m going to guess that’s when you obsess about all the food that goes into your mouth. I haven’t exactly researched this and I don’t know if this is a true disorder but from what I can gather in my head I totally have this. So here’s what I’m going to do. I took off my fit bit, cancelled my weight watchers subscription, I’m not going to use myfitnesspal or any other calorie tracking device for a while. You know why? Because it’s NOT WORKING!!!! It’s not from lack of trying that’s for sure. Here’s what I do think; I think that at 39 years old I need to learn to love myself against all odds. Meaning? I need to love myself despite my weight, despite my current mental oddities. We all struggle with SOMETHING. I struggle with thinking that my worth depends on my waist size.

Today, I had sex with the lights ON! You know what? It didn’t occur to me what might be jiggling! I’m deciding at 39 to take my life back. My entire adult life has been consumed with the number on the scale. The number on my scale determined my self-worth for the week. How horrible is that? That a NUMBER on a SCALE could determine how I loved myself or not? I SAY NO MORE! I am no longer going to be a slave to the scale. I am going to do my best to eat healthy and live healthy but I am going to try hard to not allow it to consume me. I have to say NO to the obsession. I am good enough, I am smart enough, I am likable, I am genuine, I am reliable, I am fun. All of the things that make up who I am far outweigh the person who I have been convinced that I’m not. My husband still wants to have sex with me and thinks I’m beautiful. I didn’t have this type of marriage in the past. My first husband told me that if meth wasn’t addicting or could kill me, he would suggest it for weight loss. Who the fuck says that? Someone who wants to love an image not a person. Someone who is shallow. While I sometimes miss Craig I have to remind myself how incredibly shallow he really was at the end of the day.

I’m going shopping this week for clothes that I need, I am going to go with an open mind that I can find cute clothes that make me feel confident about myself. I am going to be ok. I will be ok at a size 14 and I will look in the mirror every morning knowing that I am the human God made. If God wanted my weight to be easy  he would’ve made it easy. Positive self-image is not easy. We are our own worst critics. God loves me, my husband loves me, my children, family and friends love me. What else can I really ask for?