Transparency 

Here’s something (if you don’t know me). I used to be a religious, nasty, judgment bitch. I left the church, I haven’t been back to another in 6 years because it was emotionally traumatic. (If you think I’m kidding, I’m not). While I didn’t pray I still always knew I loved Jesus. 

Recently I’ve had a bit of a change of heart. I want to go to church because I KNOW WHO I AM! I am a woman of the Lord! One who loves others for their flaws, their brokenness, their beauty, their mistakes! 

I am a woman who loves other women as unconditionally as I possibly can. I don’t care what race you are, what your sexuality is, where your from, or what your struggles are. I don’t care if you believe in Jesus or you don’t. 

I’m not here to shove religion down anyone’s throat. I hate the words religious or Christian. Why? Because they are associated with bigots and people who portray to live a perfect life on Sundays then treats other like trash every other day if the week! 

We shouldn’t do this no matter WHAT WE BELIEVE. 

It is an HONOR to love on other women. Share our stories etc. It’s an honor to love women and humans from a nonjudgmental stance. It’s refreshing. 

I don’t like the person I was 6 years ago. But I’ve learned from it. I have that experience to grown from! 

Seriously ladies, I used to be a judgmental bitch. I was even a narcissistic asshole. Yep! Me! (Soooooo not proud of this). 

Everyone has the ability to change who they are, become better humans, learn to love through differences even if it means learning to agree to disagree. My son is gay. I’ve had to agree to disagree with A LOT of people I love. 

The world is FULL OF LOVE. It’s hard to see this amongst the struggles we face in life. 

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Food for Thought- Taco Bell

So I’m in Taco Bell. I’ve decided this’ll be my Sunday splurge. That and an ice tea from Dutch bros. Taco Bell is SLOOOOOOW in getting out the food today. People are pissed. Throwing looks everywhere and mumbling. There was a time I’d be one of these patrons. But what’s the point? The guy behind the counter is making all the orders by himself.  He looks miserable. Prob making minimum wage. He has like 6 people staring at him angrily. Personally, this would not motivate me to work harder. I’d be stressed out if I was this guy. People…. ITS TACO BELL. Chill out. I’m hungry too but instead of focusing on how loooooooong the wait is, I’m wring this blog instead. I get that fast food is supposed to be fast. But in all reality it’s still faster than going to a sit down restaurant. Calm down. If the worst thing we’re waiting on is fast food, your in good health, your not preparing to bury a loved one, then it’s a GOOD DAY! Let’s take a day to be thankful! Great job to the msn making my burrito and is prob hot and miserable working at Taco Bell. 
~B

Truth Prevails…

I have diagnosed myself with Obsessive Compulsive Eating Disorder. I’m going to guess that’s when you obsess about all the food that goes into your mouth. I haven’t exactly researched this and I don’t know if this is a true disorder but from what I can gather in my head I totally have this. So here’s what I’m going to do. I took off my fit bit, cancelled my weight watchers subscription, I’m not going to use myfitnesspal or any other calorie tracking device for a while. You know why? Because it’s NOT WORKING!!!! It’s not from lack of trying that’s for sure. Here’s what I do think; I think that at 39 years old I need to learn to love myself against all odds. Meaning? I need to love myself despite my weight, despite my current mental oddities. We all struggle with SOMETHING. I struggle with thinking that my worth depends on my waist size.

Today, I had sex with the lights ON! You know what? It didn’t occur to me what might be jiggling! I’m deciding at 39 to take my life back. My entire adult life has been consumed with the number on the scale. The number on my scale determined my self-worth for the week. How horrible is that? That a NUMBER on a SCALE could determine how I loved myself or not? I SAY NO MORE! I am no longer going to be a slave to the scale. I am going to do my best to eat healthy and live healthy but I am going to try hard to not allow it to consume me. I have to say NO to the obsession. I am good enough, I am smart enough, I am likable, I am genuine, I am reliable, I am fun. All of the things that make up who I am far outweigh the person who I have been convinced that I’m not. My husband still wants to have sex with me and thinks I’m beautiful. I didn’t have this type of marriage in the past. My first husband told me that if meth wasn’t addicting or could kill me, he would suggest it for weight loss. Who the fuck says that? Someone who wants to love an image not a person. Someone who is shallow. While I sometimes miss Craig I have to remind myself how incredibly shallow he really was at the end of the day.

I’m going shopping this week for clothes that I need, I am going to go with an open mind that I can find cute clothes that make me feel confident about myself. I am going to be ok. I will be ok at a size 14 and I will look in the mirror every morning knowing that I am the human God made. If God wanted my weight to be easy  he would’ve made it easy. Positive self-image is not easy. We are our own worst critics. God loves me, my husband loves me, my children, family and friends love me. What else can I really ask for?

Go Love Yourself

This morning one of my friends told me I inspired her. I think those were the words she used. My jaw about dropped to the floor since I don’t look ay myself as inspiring in any way. However, as I sit here and write this, I think “why can’t I be inspiring?” I have confessed my mental illness, I most definitely have an eating disorder from years of being told I needed to lose weight. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind for pretty much the last 15 years. I want to be healthy, but it’s certainly not healthy to obsess either. INSTEAD, I am going to work on loving myself right now and taking off the conditions I have put on myself. Like “I’ll love myself more when I lose 10 pounds.” As I write this I realize how RIDICULOUS that even sounds. We want other people to love us unconditionally, but many of us, including myself, aren’t willing to love ourselves unconditionally.

Today is a pretty good day for me mentally. I have woken up all week with 10+ hours of sleep and feeling guilty for not going to the gym. You know what? FUCK IT…..I’m OK!!! The gym does not validate me. GOD validates me. If you don’t believe in God then find something higher than yourself, but also including yourself, and put your value in that. It’s 11:55am and I’m still in my bathrobe, drinking my coffee. I need to go put dinner in the crock pot and get ready to start my day. I work in 30 minutes and I could be telling myself what a loser I am for having done nothing of real importance yet this morning but you know what? Someone told me I inspire them, and that inspired me to write this blog. If it wasn’t for my friend Dawn’s small amount of validation this morning I never would have taken a few minutes to sit down and write this blog. I LOVE to blog. It’s my favorite hobby. I get to sit here and put my thoughts out into the world and hope that someone reads them. Maybe my words will resognate with soemone else. I also get to sit here and watch my cat be a spaz.

Go out and be a FUCKING dragon or a unicorn! Just don’t be an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be intimidated to love yourself. I’m still working on it.

Love,

~B

Self-Love

Right now, I could be eating potato chips, and getting ready to stuff chocolate chip cookies into my mouth. I have seen 125 pounds and I have seen 198 pounds. My problem TODAY is not allowing my self-worth weigh (ironically) on my weight. My first husband once said to me “I would encourage you to use meth (to lose weight) if it wasn’t so addicting and could kill you. Mind you this is before I really knew what meth was. Awesome huh? I married that guy. The same guy who would fix me an incredible dinner and then encourage me to go throw it up or take a laxative. F-A-T is the one word I don’t tolerate from anyone else in my life but it’s what  I tell myself everyday. Everyday I compare myself to someone else. If only I could have smaller boobs, hips, thighs etc. I’m trying to remember that right now life is what it is. I am who I am, and I should be proud of myself, and focus on the positive. I have an incredible business that I have worked very hard at. I have a husband who loves me and would do anything for me. I have two beautiful, healthy children who do well in school and have a drive to do well in life. THESE are the things I need to be focusing on, NOT what size my pants are. Do I want to be healthy? Of course I do, I’m just at a pit stop in my life where I’m supposed to learn something. I think this pit stop could be titled “Self-Love.” I have never been great at self-love or self-care because I never really knew it existed. About nine years ago I was diagnosed with bi-polar II, mild depression, and borderline personality disorder (BPD). Self love was never in my vocabulary. I loved myself a lot over the years through a unhealthy relationship with food. I typically eat out of boredom. I typically graze all day so I’m never really “full.” I think my obsession to be able wear clothes off the rack in small sizes has me a bit on the OCD side at the moment. I/m being vulnerable here so please bear with me. I was forced to go shopping last week for some capri’s and some shorts as I had a trip coming up and yoga pants were not going to make the cut. With all the bravery I could muster up I went to the clearance racks and looked for some clothes. I was very fortunate that I found a couple of pairs of capris and a couple of cute shirts. I looked in the mirror and didn’t completely HATE the person looking back at me. My self-worth must stop feeding solely of my weight. The way I view myself has ruined trips, events, etc. I tell myself “I bet she’ll just look at me like ‘how can she be so big?” But in reality I know that person is struggling with their own issues. Quite honestly, it would surprise me if anyone thought anything about me at all like the way I do. I’m no one special (in the sense that I should feel like people are talking about me). I’m tired of being hung up on myself. Am I pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, do people like me?

 

I recently decided to wean off my anti-depressant. SCARY. Last week was a great week but this week is a little iffy. I’m noticing patterns in myself that occur in people with bi-polar and BPD. I will sleep for 4 hours and then BING, I’m wide awake. The next week I will sleep my life away from being so unstable the week prior. This is an exhausting pattern.

I think what I am supposed to learn in my journey is self-love. To love myself no matter how many clients I have in a week, what my pant size says, just to love myself for me. I will tell you a hard cold fact. Self-love is hard no matter who you are. For me, adding in all the mental components are a real humdinger.  So here I am, today, fighting the urge to go grab the left-over chocolate chip cookies we took camping and practice self-love. Fuck it~ I’m getting a cookie.

Love,

 

~B

15 Years Old

15 years old. A heart so pure and true. You believed him when he said “I love you. 15 years old. Love is new. You believed it yourself when you said “I love you too”

15 years old not a little girl or a women. Caught somewhere in between for a moment. 

15 years old; not quite old enough to know better, definitely to young to care. Oh how this world will devour you like bears. 

15 years old your broken hearts hurts oh so bad. Nothing your mother can do to not make you sad. 

30 years old, someday you’ll ask me; momma? What was I thinking? I’ll wrap my arms around you so tight and so firm. I’ll reply I’m not quite sure my angel, but it’s been quite the fight that’s for sure. 

~B

5 Simple Syllables

Positivity. 5 syllables. Easy. Positivity. Negativety. Also 5 syllables and also easy. Which one is easier? Glass half empty or glass half full? My ENTIRE life I’ve been a “worst case scenario” person. Glass half empty. I’m not sure there is anything to blame. I mean I’m a psych major so one could say my line of thinking is contributed to my childhood environment. Another theory could be natural personality. 

I WANT to he a positive person. To always look at the brighter side of life. My dream is to become a motivational speaker and author. 

I started taking medication for bipolar II and BPD. While these medications have helped save my sanity, I no longer have a passion for creativity. It’s kind of like I’m  on autopilot all the time. Compared to what I used to be like? It’s very boring; I’m not going to lie. I miss the bright ideas I used to have. Coming up with incredible ideas for my book and topics to speak on for public seminars. I believed in myself. While this medication has greatly improved my relationships and calmed me down I can’t help but feel like a part of my soul has been stolen.