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Kindness, Blame, and Optimism……

2015 did not start out the way that I thought it was going to. In fact it started out in what I thought would be the most amazing way and actually really started out in the most disastrous way. I feel hesitant to get into how much of that is the reason because so many people I know read my blog. But what I can say I’ve learned is that in 2014 and in all the years probably prior to that, I’ve just had a very negative undertone to my life. Things never really went the way that I felt like they should. I never had the job that I wanted; things never turned out in my love life the way I wanted them to. I never really wanted to be a wife or a mother and I am indeed a wife and a mother. And I wouldn’t change this for the world PLEASE let me clarify THAT. I think the children I have were brought into my life to settle me down.

However, I’ve recently learned that when you sit with your thoughts you tend to get angry about the way your life has turned out because you dwell on the “this isn’t fair, this is not the way it was supposed to turn out!” Type of thinking. When I got back from LA at the beginning of the year I still was not in a very good space, it took losing a client (even though there were faults on both sides) it took me almost getting divorced like REALLY, REALLY almost getting divorced to shock me back into reality. And when I say shock me back into reality and shake me back into what I want out of life I mean that I actively had to start seeking out what were the most positive things I had going in my life which is really hard to do when you’ve been thinking about all of the negativity in your life for so long.

It’s not an easy task to just start thinking positively overnight! I went into dialectical behavioral therapy for all the wrong reasons, I went into it as a last ditch effort to save my marriage. I never really went into it for just me; for just the improvements it would do for my life. I guess it’s really no wonder why I was still miserable after two or three months of going to this class and going to therapy and not getting anywhere. I wasn’t applying it to MY life.

There’s a lot of things that I have become extremely bitter about over the years since my first husband died, I have taken them out on my husband now who doesn’t deserve it in the least BIT, if anything he’s just tried to be there for me as a shoulder to lean on and all I do is push him away and be mean to him because I’m angry at my life and the way it turned out which is certainly NOT his fault.

See blame is an easy thing to do because it puts the focus onto something or someone else and never really ever puts the focus back on yourself. The blame causes you to never have to take responsibility for any situation. And while I never really thought that I was doing this, unconsciously and consciously I was doing this the the extreme.

Right now I’m just learning to live in the moment, I’ve never really done that before, I’ve always lived in the past, or lived in the future. I’ve always thought about what could’ve been or thought about how I want things to turn out in the future. But I’ve never really sat in the present and really embraced it. This is the longest I have ever kept one job. As of February 2015 I will have been a nail tech for six years. It is the longest I have ever had a career. I will be honest it has not been my first choice in careers. I have a bachelors degree in psychology and it has been my dream to go on to get my Masters and my PhD. I really hope that I can make those dreams comes true, but for now I really want to enjoy every single person who walks through my doors and listen to their stories and embrace each person with the love, kindness, respect, so that the leave my shop feeling better than when they came in. I know that I will have rough days because I do struggle with borderline personality disorder, but I’m getting better and I can feel it. I was so resistant to medications for so long, but I can feel them working, and as I am applying the dialectical behavioral therapy to my life; in the last week I can also see it working. I am also starting to use a little bit of prayer and meditation. I used to be extremely close to God but that’s a whole Nother story for another time. I still love God very much it’s just another story.

I am learning to think before I speak. I’m learning that I don’t have to be so quick to react, I am learning that I don’t have to fix the situation right now. I’m learning I don’t have to prove that I’m right in every situation even if I feel like I am. Sometimes it’s just better to let things go and roll with it. And if you know me that’s a really hard one….lol.

I hope to prove that a Chemical in balance in the brain does not have to overtake you; that you can be stronger and better than what you’re given in this lifetime. This is just one of the many struggles that I have chosen to write about. To be honest I didn’t realize how incredibly difficult it was going to be to put my whole self out there into the world and talk about myself so blatantly honest the way I have; knowing that I have so many people following me on my blog who know me personally.

Be kind to one another, when you’re out in the world, give a half smile to a stranger, it’s not weird it’s KIND. It’s not flirty it’s just being kind. We live in a time where smiling at people is now considered flirting or a half smile at somebody is interpreted in a devious way. This is so sad to me. Kindness should be so much more implemented in our world and that’s what I would like to see in my life going forward. The children of our society need to see us be kind to one another so that they can grow up and pass that forward. Don’t you want your children or your neighbor children to grow up learning how to be kind and loving? Ponder that today as you go through your day.

Love,

~B

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Radical Acceptance…..

So, for those of you that may not be aware…I just started participating in a year-long therapy journey called DBT. It stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. In one word? AMAZING! But at the same time….extremely difficult. This is my second week participating in the group portion of the therapy which I thought I would hate but I totally LOVE! Tonight we talked about RADICAL ACCEPTANCE……take that in for a minute….Radical Acceptance…..

Accepting any situation that you don’t WANT to accept is going to difficult right? Losing a loved one, discovering you have cancer, finding out your spouse has been having an affair, finding out your child is being bullied at school, just the tough stuff that is thrown at us on a daily basis. Even the smaller things like the dishwasher breaking, our child getting sick etc. BUT….to RADICALLY ACCEPT these situations and commit to not focusing on the bad, but accepting that the situation purely “is what it is.” That is HARD!!!!

Tonight we did this activity where we had to write down 5 or 6 adjectives that we felt described us. Then we had to write down the opposite of those adjectives. Our group leader then told us to digest that in fact BOTH lists were true of ourselves. I looked at my lists and at first I was really sad, then I was kind of irritated because I didn’t want the opposites (the negatives) to be true. However, no one is perfect. My list made me a human being and I’m working on improving the negative stuff.

With radical acceptance I can take my problem, and start to solve it, by changing how I feel about it. I can choose to accept it and work on it, or I can stay miserable. Suffering is less intense with acceptance. Let that sink in for a minute. ”

I’ll leave you with this…..but I will write more soon. In the meantime….Is there a situation in your life you can work on radically accepting?

Love,

B~

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We’re all a Little ‘Cray Cray’….Life is About Creating Paths and Relationships…

OK, So I just recently started this new journey of therapy. If you haven’t already, there is a whole post dedicated to DBT therapy you can go read on. Simply put? AMAZING!!!! I’ve only been 4 times but I have learned a plethora of information! Isn’t it logical that if your going to walk someone through all the non so warm and fuzzy times of their lives that you would at least prepare them with tools for emotional success and have them practice these before the real therapy begins?

I went to traditional therapy for SIX years people and I am right back where I was but actually I’m worse because that woman totally screwed me up. Anyway….I’ve been to this one 4 time and I think between this and the small amount of medication I let my doctor put me  on, I’m suddenly feeling FANTASTIC for the most part this last week! I struggle with anxiety and actively noticed that my anxiety level was at like practical non-existent compared to my high-strung, if it doesn’t go as it should…everything is.going.to.end.FOREVER……

I’M TOTALLY ROCKING OUT TO BANG BANG BY ARIANA GRANDE….(THANKS SON)….LOL

Anyway, I feel great so I’m totally not going to over think it too much and just roll with it because whatever I’m doing is WORKING! lol.

It is hard work though, I’ll be honest. It’s a lot of constant redirection of thinking. It can be a little exhausting BUT it’s getting a little easier each day with practice patience, self acceptance, self-love, etc…..kinda like the whole nail art adventure I’ve currently embarked upon! I mean if I’m going to live this life I want it to be the best, most influential one I can lead!

If I can change from who I was to who I want to be it’ll be the greatest accomplishment I could even make! I also had a BREAKTHROUGH business idea tonight! More on that later….! Seriously, I think it’s borderline genius and I wouldn’t have to quit my job doing nails to do it if I could make it work. But that’s WAY later down the road, BUT exciting nonetheless!

I’ve also gotten to form some really neat connections lately. I never know how long I’ll ever get with a person before they’ll move, on, have to stop getting their nails done for some reason etc. The BEST part of my job HANDS DOWN is sharing life stories and experiences! Doesn’t it make this life not feel so lonely and scary!? Oh, and we can all realize we’re not crazy because there is someone else out there who is just as ‘cray cray’ as they are on some level! I love the relatability factor I have with 95% of my clients. It’s hard to even say the word client and not refer to my clients as “this friend of mine” which oftentimes I do!

Ok, I really am going to try to keep up my blog a little more consistently!

Love

B~

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BPD and DBT…

I learned a few coping skills at my first appointment on Thursday. I can tell you that I did NOT tap into those skills today AT ALL! I should have, but I was so blinded by anger and hurt that my head was spinning like something you would see in a Poltergeist movie! The fury that arose from being so blinded by fear and injustice was overwhelming; especially for someone with BPD. I will admit that while I had every right to FEEL the way I did, that my REACTION should have been different; instead of screaming and blowing up on my family member, I should have taken a break, grouped my thoughts together, and taken a more productive approach. But I didn’t. I blew a gasket. You know who this really hurts? Just me. My shoulders are tight, anxiety is high, I’m embarrassed and feel icky inside. I’m so tired of feeling like this and it’s just fueling me to turn my “Sadness into gladness” as my dear friend Lori put it today.

The world is sometimes a really scary feeling place and that is really hard for someone like me to admit. On the outside, I’m most of the time, sweet, bubbly, talkative, and friendly. Please hear me when I tell you this….I am not fake….I really, truly am all of those things. However, sometimes I have to force those behaviors in order to hide other behaviors such as fear, anxiety, depression etc.

I didn’t mention this in my last post because my head was a mess and I was just writing because I find writing soothing. On Thursday, my therapist asked me a TON of yes/no questions. Turns out, (so she says) that I have PTSD, and major depressive disorder. Now the PTSD I could not have predicted, but MDD? I rarely feel the need to stay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. However, that is not what MDD really means. MDD is as follows:

 

• Depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than two weeks.
• Mood represents a change from the person’s baseline.
• Impaired function: social, occupational, educational.
• Specific symptoms, at least 5 of these 9, present nearly every day:
1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report
(e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).
2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day
3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite
4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia
5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation
6. Fatigue or loss of energy
7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness
9. Suicidality: Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan

 

I would like to be clear to my friends and family who follow me here. I DO NOT struggle with self harm or suicidal thoughts and tendencies or dissociation. Thank the LORD! My therapy plan is a ONE YEAR commitment. Every Tuesday morning I will go individually, and group therapy every Wednesday evening. Group therapy sounds scary, but I’m trying to remember that everyone in this group is like me which is why we’re all there. We all have a common goal…and that is to get better.

 

One of the things I struggle with the most is commitment. I commit and then I flake. Mainly I flake out of the “what if” fear. I go into irrational thinking and talk myself right out of the thing I committed to. I am making a COMMITMENT to myself first and my family to do this. I WANT to get better! 1 year of my life and I can most likely be BPD symptom free? YES PLEASE! It’s not going to be easy but it’s going to be totally worth it.

 

If you or someone you know struggles with depression I encourage you to seek help. While I haven’t seen the effects of this work yet, I also don’t have any tools to work with quite yet. Oh, I do have one thing…..I can call my therapist 24/7 in the event that I need coping skills immediately. I exercised this phone call last night, and I should have done it today. Honestly it didn’t even cross my mind to call her today. I think it’s because this whole thing is so new to me.

Loves until next time,

~B

bpd recovery reality

Week 1 of DBT.

Today I went and did my first appointment for dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). Today was the intake process, and very overwhelming. My therapist name is Candace. Every time I told her a concern I was afraid of, and wanted to work on, she assured me that everybody with borderline personality disorder completely feels the same way and it can be dealt with. I told her that I was very judgmental, and she said that’s one of the most common traits. (Please don’t let that scare you!) ☺️

She gave me some homework, and tonight I looked it over. I started to cry, because I’m realizing that my entire way of thinking and behaving is going to be completely overhauled. While I thought this was a 24 week commitment, she told me today that I need to commit to a minimum of one year. That is a long time! However, in all reality, isn’t it a short amount of time compared to the rest of my life? If I could devote 1 to 3 years of DBT, and be free of all of the negative responses that go on in my life, wouldn’t that be worth it? The answer is yes!

This is a very short brief of the 2 hours I spent In there. But I’m very tired and want to go to bed. I figured something was better than nothing. 👍☺️

I will continue to update you on my journey!

~B

Waiting for the Paint to Dry….

I’m remodeling my shop and I’m waiting for the paint to dry. So I thought I would take the opportunity to write this piece. It’s been a subject I’ve wanted to tackle for quite sometime.

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down to write a real piece. I thought I would take criticism pretty good, but I don’t. Here’s the deal….if you don’t like my blog then it’s simple….JUST DONT READ IT….unsubscribe….please! With that being said….here we go!…

For many months I have felt like I have been just “going through the motions” at work and at home. Get what I need to do done, don’t invest much….and move on to the next daunting thing on my list. I’ve been plagued with depression my whole life which sucks. I really don’t have anything to be depressed about. Unfortunately for some people it is completely out of their control and they just feel how they feel. For me it goes much deeper than depression. In May, of this year, I was told that it was becoming clear that I did indeed have something more serious than depression….and this is the first time I have been brave enough to speak of it publicly. I was told that I “suffer” from Borderline Personality Disorder.  So there it is…..I can’t believe I said it. I am a little scared, but there it is.

I’ve “suffered in silence” (except for a few close friends and my husband), so to speak, since May. There is no medication that magically makes the symptoms of BPD magically disappear. NONE…..so hears a funny story (kinda) about the day I was hit with this diagnosis. I walked into my psychiatrists office, ready to tackle all of life’s problems, being completely 100% open with him for really the first time EVER in 10 years. He told me there was no medication to fix BPD….not.even.one. My soul was literally crushed into a million pieces. Here I had been working on my hormone problems and got all that fixed. So when I realized some of my other problems weren’t disappearing now that my hormones were fixed I was LIGIT ready to pop some pills. Because seriously…who likes to feel crazy? Anyone? A show of hands would be great! No one? Just me? GREEEAAAT……lol. There is nothing more debilitating than feeling like you are one ticking time bomb away from a nervous breakdown ESPECIALLY when every other aspect of your life is pretty fantastic. So what did I do? What any other NORMAL CRAZY person would do…..I wallowed. I have wallowed in MISERY for MONTHS. I just can’t do it anymore. I have to take control of my life back. There is some light for people with BPD; it’s called DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Here is a quick breakdown of what it is:

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a well researched and comprehensive treatment approach designed to help people who have difficulty in regulating their emotions. This often results in a high degree of impulsive reactivity, self-destructive behaviors, and volatile relationships with others in their lives. DBT works by teaching participants to become more aware of their particular sensitivity to negative emotions such as anger and shame. At the same time, it provides the skills necessary to tolerate these feelings and then begin to regulate them. DBT also teaches assertiveness skills to enable participants to effectively begin asking for what they want from others and saying no to things they don’t want.

Who can benefit from DBT?

Studies have shown that DBT reduces:

  • Suicidal behaviors
  • Intentional self-injury
  • Depression
  • Hopelessness
  • Anger
  • Eating Disorders
  • Substance Dependence
  • Impulsiveness

And Increases:

  • Adjustment in general and especially improved social functioning
  • Positive self-esteem

Fortunately I don’t really think aboout suicide nor do I inflict self-harm, BUT I do have a lot of the other signs. I called up my local DBT center and talked with the director. I wish I had not indeed wallowed in self pity for so many months and had just picked up the phone and called. But I didn’t, and the past is the past so I am now moving forward. I feel like I have some hope. The director made me feel so HOPEFUL! She told me there are people who have put their BPD into complete REMISSION!!!! YOU CAN DO THAT?? She went on to tell me that people who really put in the hard work (it’s a 24 week commitment minimum) can actually be completely 100% free of any BPD symptoms! I thought I was going to cry right then and there; I never dreamed in a million years that I could be freed from depression, anxiety, and oh the biggest one….the anger. Anger is one of the most debilitating feelings in the world because I don’t even know WHY I’ angry most of the time. When I told the director that I ran my own business and that I’m busy and successful she was very surprised. I can tend to keep it pretty together for 7 hours a day. I get my own therapy in talking to my clients and bouncing my stuff off of them.

I feel like I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel because tunnels without a light are dark, and scary.

Don’t be afraid to get help if you feel lost. Don’t wait months and months like I did. Help is out there. There is no shame in depression. It’s not your fault, you didn’t ask for it and there is help.

I have included a link to my local DBT center. It also gives a list of other DBT therapy places all over the United States.

http://www.dbtcenterso.com/index.html

I’ve had a lot on my mind these last few months as you can see. I’m super excited to say that my business of doing nails is absolutely ROCKING! I have some of the BEST clients EVER! So much has happened this year and I only had a few clients disappear. Was it due to the fluctuation of my mood because I had a lot going on in my life? I think so. But that’s ok. I’m learning fast that every single person comes into our lives for a reason; they also leave for a reason.

I plan to update this blog a lot more. I am hoping to empower more people to take control of their lives! I am looking for encouragement and would love to hear what you have to say.

Lots of love,

~B

Lives Changed Forever

You really did it this time

Caught yourself in your war path…

lost you balance on the tight rope

lost your mind trying to get it back…

It was easier when you believed in everything

When everyone believed in you…

Are you innocent?

Did some things you couldn’t speak of…

The bottle makes you live it all again

Wasn’t it easier in your childhood days…

Wasn’t it beautiful before the monsters came after you

Your lights still shines for me…

Who you are is not what you did

Everyone of us has messed up too…

Lives changed forever