Archives
Stepping Off My Soapbox…
I have a lot to be grateful for…. I don’t see the blessings of my extended family until their upon me. I complain a lot and threaten that one day I’ll disown them. Here’s what I learned tonight….*wait, I need to step off my soap box…..* there. That’s better.
I’m thankful for my mom- she’s crazy, I try not to be like her but as I get older I know I am like her. I want to be involved in my kids’ lives and I want people to like me and I just want to fit in. Nuff said….
I’m thankful for my first born son- he’s taught me so much about acceptance, love, and tolerance. He’s one of my best friends. We have so much in common it’s mind boggling. We are a mother/son success story. One that I’ll tell someday.
I’m thankful for my only daughter- she’s taught me that having a teenage daughter doesn’t have to be hard all the time. While we are still trying to figure out how to become friends and keep the mom card in tact; she is a constant reminder that I can break the cycle….she is pure….I will treasure that while it lasts.
I’m thankful for my little sister!!! She is 7 years younger and she’s so incredible!! She’s free-spirited, beautiful, can tell the best stories, and has a compassion for helping people; that is beautiful. She’s incredible.
I’m thankful for my youngest Aunt- he love has been a humbling experience. No story in this to ever come….
I’m thankful for my cousin Zac- 5 months sober off a very addictive drug and seeking the wisdom and security of the lord. I looked at him tonight and saw a light in his eyes I haven’t seen in years. He is so handsome and I hope he goes on to fulfill all his hopes and dreams.
I’m thankful for my Grandma- she helped raise me. She has some cooky thoughts and ideas (I blame her for mine) but she’s 77 so she’s entitled. (I, on the other hand… I’m just self entitled). She makes me laugh. Tonight I had to accept that she is indeed sicker than I want to admit. Denial is a safe place to hide out. BUT….she did look better than last year and she even said so herself. I can’t write anything else without crying so I’m moving on….
I’m thankful for my step-son- I’m thankful that he chose to hang out with us and his dad today.
Last but certainly NOT LEAST I am so incredibly thankful for my husband. We’ve had our fair share of “this is the end!” Over the last 7 years. But we’ve made it this far!!! He had NO idea he was marrying someone who was slightly (*slightly make it sound better) unadjusted by a form of mental illness that’s just debilitating enough to be a problem. I feel lucky he’s chosen to hang out and be by my side. I feel lucky that he’s recognizing when I’ve had to much. Medication adjustments and trialing new ones are the worst. I have to hand it to him for sticking it out. He’s not perfect but I’m pretty sure he’s the perfect one for me. 🙏
*I’m thankful for my friends….I’m
Hoping my transparency weeds out the ones not willing to see me through life’s challenges. I’m 100% in or 100% out. I’m thankful for non-high maintenance friends. We can pick up right where we left off without feeling weird or guilty. Sometimes I fall off the planet due to my head. It’s noticeable when your friends just text you a “hello” or an encouraging word. I try not to be that high maintenance friend who’s needy. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and convinces me that every look, tone of voice, or interaction with someone I care about is more that what it is. The analytical portion of my brain is exhausting. BRAVO…., if you’ve kept up or are wanting to. Relationships are what drive me; my Family, friends and work. I love you all; Even in the moments I crawl into a hole for up to as much as a week at a time. Which is pretty much just my bed those days after Work. I’m going to work on this….
~B
My Son Gets a Learning Lesson on $400 worth of “Debt”…
My 16 year old son got a job over the summer at a local restaurant chain. He started collecting quite a bit of money in his tip outs at the end of each week. I told him that he should start letting his checks go into the bank and spend only his tip money. He reluctantly agreed; but soon realized the tip money was more than enough. He also decided that since he got a job he wanted to upgrade his phone which would cost $45 a month for the phone and insurance. I told him that as long as he was certain he could pay the $45 I didn’t care. (I pay for the service).
About 4 weeks ago I got onto his online banking account and realized there was WAY more debits than there should be since he has cash to spend. I totaled it up and he had spent about $400 in unauthorized (by me)debits. I spoke to him and we talked about how easy it is to whip out a card when you don’t have cash. Then I broke the news…I said to him, “$400 adds up fast over a few months when it’s $5 here and $5-$10 there huh? He was shocked that he spent so much that he was completely unaware of. I told him the right thing to do was to pay it back. He immediately started freaking out! “I don’t have $400!” My response was, “if this was a credit card you’d have to pay it back. And since you spent money on your card that wasn’t supposed to be used then you need to pay it back.” He protested that it was his money. I agreed, however the agreement was that he would only spend his cash. He was really upset with me but agreed he’d pay it back in installments. I told him the longer he took to pay it off the more interest it collects. He replied, “I have to pay interest on my own money!” I told him it was the responsible thing to do. I told him this was a great opportunity to learn how “debt” works. A high risk credit owner usually has an annual interest rate of around 22%. That’s about $88 a year in interest on $400. We sat down and I explained that if he divided $88 over 12 months that equals a monthly interest charge of about $7.35 per month. (I didn’t bother trying to explain that monthly interest rate amount decreases as the balance goes down). I’ll get into that another time.
I told my son stories upon stories of how I constantly over drafted my checking account in my 20’s. No one taught me how to be smart with money. I got my first credit card at 21. I had 3….all maxed out and I was in about $5,000 worth of debt until tax time rolled around and I paid it off and started over. (I was a single mom and I got a lot of money back). I never learned until I got married to a financially savvy guy at 28. He taught me everything I know about investments and, savings, and NOT using a credit card to get what you want. I explained to my son a “need vs a want.” It sank in and he totally started to see the picture I was painting! He went to the bank later that week and paid off all but $170 of the $400. He told me a few days ago That he’s been setting 70% of his tip money aside to pay back his “debt”. I was SHOCKED, he was PAYING ATTENTION!
Next week he plans to pay off the rest (including the interest). I told him…”At least your paying yourself back and not a credit card company right?” His response? “Thank God!!!”
I had him put his debit card in a safe place outside of his wallet so the temptation to pull it out was no longer there. In just 4 short weeks he’s been so amazing at saving money to pay his phone bill due on the 3rd of December and pay back the rest of his debt.
This has opened the door to us talking quite a bit about finances, what college expenses will possibly entail, future household bills etc, interest on cars, homes etc. we’ve talked about debt vs equity. I told him that if I didn’t teach him about wise spending and saving habits he’d have to learn the hard way like I did. Not to say it still can’t happen, but at least he can never come to me and say “why didn’t you tell me about this major part of life!”
So this Happened Today…..
My daughter (14): “Mom we HAVE to go Black Friday shopping this year! Last year I went with _____ and it was sooooo fun!
Me: “Sweetheart, I don’t need anything bad enough to stand in line for hours….”
Daughter: “But it’s FUN! AND……….(wait for it…) it’s on a FRIDAY!
Me: *baffled and laughing* “Seriously!!!??? It’s on a Friday!!! SHUT UP!!!” *dying laughing now*
Daughter: *laughing and embarrassed* *I can’t believe that just happened”
Me: “Yeah….me neither…..”😏
“Life Hacks” Mom-Style….
You’re welcome! No one ever shared this information with me, so simple yet…..
I, for the first time, was teaching my daughter how to separate her darks from her lights when doing laundry. She tends to build up a lot of laundry since she is a 13-year-old girl! When she realized that I was going to sit next to the washing machine, and help her differentiate what was light and what was dark, she informed me that she knew how to do her own laundry. I told her she had enough laundry that she was going to have to do two loads anyway so she needed to learn how to separate her lights from her darks. She reluctantly let me help her, asking periodically if something was light or dark.
When we finished, I told her that it wasn’t that I was trying to tell her what to do….it was just that I was trying to help her realize that clothes are getting more expensive, they aren’t made as well as they used to be, and if you can save something from being ruined because you worked hard to buy it then you should. I think she realized I just wanted to help her and she thanked me.
I told her to look at it this way, look at it as though I’m giving her “Life Hacks”. Not really trying to tell you what to do, just trying to make your life a little easier in the long run for when you get older and move out. “Life Hacks, not “my way or the highway!” Well at least until curfew is an issue anyway….. But that’s another story for when she’s a little older.
Daughters….so much to learn…God bless them…
I have a new parenting note I’d like to share. I, for the first time, was teaching my daughter how to separate her darks from her lights when doing laundry. She tends to build up a lot of laundry since she is a 13-year-old girl! When she realized that I was going to sit next to the washing machine, and help her differentiate what was light and what was dark, she informed me that she knew how to do her own laundry. I told her she had enough laundry that she was going to have to do two loads anyway so she needed to learn how to separate her lights from her darks. She reluctantly let me help her, asking periodically if something was light or dark.
When we finished, I told her that it wasn’t that I was trying to tell her what to do….it was just that I was trying to help her realize that clothes are getting more expensive, they aren’t made as well as they used to be, and if you can save something from being ruined because you worked hard to buy it then you should. I think she realized I just wanted to help her and she thanked me.
I told her to look at it this way, look at it as though I’m giving her “Life Hacks”. Not really trying to tell you what to do, just trying to make your life a little easier in the long run for when you get older and move out. “Life Hacks, not “my way or the highway!” Well at least until curfew is an issue anyway….. But that’s another story for when she’s a little older.
Love,
B~
Seize Every Opportunity……
Tonight my son, Taylor, was telling me about one of the new friends he’s made at school. My son is a freshman and has never really hung out with a group of “guys” until just recently. Anyway, he was telling me how humbly this young man and his father live due to his father not making a lot of money. This young man had to grow up fast because his mother abandoned him and his father. They are Hispanic, and it sounds like the father works a crazy amount of hours 6 days a week to provide for his son. Taylor was telling me that they had some deep conversations a few nights ago. One of them caught my ear. He said his friend LOVES to cook, and would make a whole chicken and cornbread every night if he could.
I found this to be an EXCELLENT opportunity to teach my son about human conectivity….seeing a need and helping if possible. I got on Facebook, placed a wanted ad for a free or small fee rotisserie for this young man and his father. In about 10 minutes we got a response from a lady that had one she was willing to donate. Taylor was FLOORED that I cared enough to help his friend. But I know what it’s like to be that kid. I grew up very poor with a single mom who worked whatever hours she could get. It was hard.
I am NOT writing this post to get kudos for doing a good deed. I am writing it because I am hoping to inspire other parents to teach their children about kindness. We are living in a world that’s so “all about me” anymore and it’s sad. We should be helping one another where we can. I use EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY I can get to teach my kids a lesson in something. Every conversation can lead to a moment of opportunity to TEACH.
This conversation turned into me telling Taylor how many times I used to overdraft my checking account when I was a young adult because no one ever taught me what a budget was. This turned into giving him examples of several ways banks work.
I feel fortunate that I am so incredibly close with my children. When I talk, they listen. It’s important to build this foundation of trust from an early age.
I am also learning how to give them a LOT more freedom than I ever thought I would be giving them at their ages. They have earned these privileges. But that’s exactly what they are PRIVILEGES; because as fast as they earn them, if they mess up, they can be taken away. Lack of consistency in your discipline will cause your child to question whether you will stick to what you say. Let your YES be YES and your NO mean NO….PERIOD. DO NOT GIVE IN! Let them cry, throw fits, whatever, but do not give in because the second you do, they just learned that they can manipulate you to get what they want if their persistent long enough.
Every single moment is a learning opportunity; it’s your job to spot them and work the conversation into that opportunity without making it sound like a lecture. I’m a total softie when it comes to my kids when they are doing well, but I am a total hard-ass when they are screwing up. It’s a fine balance. It’s not easy and sometimes I stop to question if I am doing it right. But I know that I am doing the best I know how. My goal is to teach my kids all the lessons that I didn’t learn as growing up. Isn’t that the point? To break the cycle of dysfunction and help our children achieve their lives dreams?
So commit….if you are a mom or a dad it is your DUTY to commit to your child everyday. I know I am not perfect but I do give a lot of good advice I’m told. If you have a parenting question that you would like to ask please feel free to email me at nailtechconfessionals@gmail.com. Your question might be something someone else if wondering as well. We are a community, let’s help one another! If I don’t know the answer to your question, I will simply tell you. I won’t make you THINK I know what I’m talking about. I will write more on this later but I am really tired and gonna head to bed.
Loves,
~B
Top 10 Ways to be a GREAT Parent…(in my opinion)…
1. ALWAYS DISCIPLINE
2. YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST…THEY DIDN’T ASK TO BE BORN OUT OF YOUR VAGINA….Don’t be a douche and put them last
3. DON’T BE SCARED OF YOUR CHILDREN…Make them fear you like you fear the Lord (or whatever you believe in…Like karma)
4. SET BOUNDARIES EARLY…AS SOON AS THEY CAN UNDERSTAND THE WORD “NO!” This hands off parenting is bull crap!
5. MAKE YOUR CHILDREN WORK FOR WHAT THEY WANT…NOTHING SHOULD BE FREE (they want a new toy? Make them help you do something you wouldn’t normally have them do like wash windows or dust)
6. YOU ARE THE MOM….YOU MAKE THE RULES…NOT YOUR KIDS (Do NOT give in to whining! They are smart! Your life will be ruled by a whining brat in public, do you really want that?)
7 . TEENAGERS ARE NOT SCARY IF YOU TEACH THEM “NO” AS TODDLERS (Ask my kids what happens if they pester me after I have told them “no”) I promise it’s not good….
8. YOUR CHILD HAS A SYNDROME? THINK ABOUT SOME MEDICATION SO THE REST OF SOCIETY CAN FUNCTION (I’m not saying to medicate your kids like zombies, but a good ADHD or anxiety medication never hurt a kid!)
9. YOUR KIDS WILL DO WHAT THEY WANT AS TEENS…DO NOT ENABLE ( I just had a talk with my kids…I said, “If you screw up, I WILL NOT rescue you! You will suffer your consequences”
10. FOLLOW STEPS 1-9 AND YOU WILL BE A GREAT MOM/PARENT!
She is My Daughter…
My daughter is like a breath of fresh air
I look at her sometimes and it’s just so hard not to stare…
She is such a remarkable, wonderful girl
I know someday a boy will make her head whirl…
I worry so much about her heart getting hurt
He better make his feelings plain and overt…
She will forever be eight in my head and my eyes
He will be very sorry if he should make her cry…
I will whisper to him “I’m not afraid to BACK to prison
For pissing this mother off is deeply forbidden…
I will not hesitate to slowly make you suffer in pain
So do not hurt my daughter it’s not worth what you think you might gain…
Parenting a Teen
Overprotective I am, for it’s not hard to admit
This world is so scary I just want to throw a big fit…
My son is one of the most amazing people in this place
I would be so transformed to never, ever again see his face…
I try not to let the fear paralyze me
But sometimes it’s so hard to just let him be…
I picture my world without his sweet face
A blanket of fear rides in all over this place…
I must let him spread his wings in this very big world
He’s not getting into trouble; I know this for sure
His teen years will go by in a very fast blur…
I worry thinking “Did I teach him just right?”
Then I remember he has his mothers courageous fight…
It’s just so hard to let go of his precious hand
But, I have raised a good boy and a wonderful young man…
I find myself lucky that he’s just drinking soda not beer
Hanging out with his choir class members; I really need not be in fear…
This is his first sleepover since probably fifth grade
I know it’s ok, and my fear needs to be kept at bay….
I raised him and guided him to make good choices
Now its up to him to listen to those voices…
We All Deserve to Feel Healthy…..
I look at my friends around me. One has brain cancer and on other had lupus. They are forced to eat healthy because their bodies give them no choice. I was in yoga today barely able to move. I feel inflamed throughout my body. I thought what an I doing to my body by eating all this man made crap? I won’t be perfect but I’m going to try eating as clean and gluten free as possible. Last year in March-May when did this I was by far the healthiest I ever felt. Don’t I owe to myself and to my friends and family to eat healthy? It’s not all that hard. Just takes a little more planning. I know I can do this! It’s time to listen to my body and start giving it what it NEEDS. NOT what it wants!
Teachers in my area plan to strike AND I SUPPORT IT!
OK, two days ago I was on the phone for over an hour with one of Victoria’s teachers. Here is what I got out of the conversation: Phil Long states that our kids will continue to receive a “quality education.” My response to this is” “How will my kids receive a quality education when they are being BUSSED to a DIFFERENT school for 4 hours a day! That is absolutely absurd. We are in a different society now than we were many years ago and it is very scary. What if some random act of violence happens because of this. I know this is a possibility regardless, but it could REALLY be a possibility now! I could go into all of the “what if’s” but I’m not going to. Also, our kids will be getting packets to learn with and that is not a quality education. The strike will continue for as long as there is no agreement Amber. Also, this is going to cost the school board 500k a WEEK to hire and put up these 600 substitute teachers! Why won’t the district put that money into OUR teachers instead of bullying them into signing an unfair contract!? The district also came to the Medford teacher 5 years ago and said they were going to be 11 million dollars short. The Medford teachers decided they would help the district by paying more in benefits, and making some other compromises; the district PROMISED the teachers that when the economy got better and they received more money they would go in and take care of the teachers who made these compromises in order to help the district. The district received 9 MILLION DOLLARS a little over a year ago and NOT ONE PENNY went to the teachers. INSTEAD, administrators got quite a stealthy raise, money was put into several programs, and they hired 14 new teachers! I am just sickened by what I am hearing because the media is not reflecting the TRUTH from the teachers, they are only enlightening the public on what the district WANTS the public to THINK. I am so incredibly glad that I dug deep tonight and had this in depth conversation with my daughters teacher. I have made my decision…my kids will NOT be attending school while the strike is happening. I want to keep my kids safe, and I want to send a message to the district AND my kids that you can not BULLY people into doing what you want them to do! Isn’t this what we teach our children in the first place? This isn’t about money, this is about what is RIGHT and JUST! I personally feel that this is an opportunity to teach my kids to stick up for what is right. To dig deep and find out the answers!
Adult children….is it strange?
It’s a weird feeling to think that in several years I will have grown children. What is that like? What is it like to have children that are adults. They can make their own choices legally, yet you see them make mistakes? How hard is that? Most every parent experiences this with their kids. I don’t look forward to that day. I envy so many woman who open up to me and discuss their children with them. We all parent the way we do for certain reasons due to, generally, something in our childhood…good…or bad. I really respect all the types of moms out there because we are raising our kids in diffrent worlds than when we were kids. IT’S HARD. How do we even do it? I won’t lie, I’m more scared about my kids become adults than I am about them being teenagers.
But then I think…I’ve raised very responsible children. I’ve raised children to use their inner voice. I’ve raised children who know right from wrong. I’m super involved in their lives, I’m their mother first and their friend last. It’s always fun when I can take a moment to be their friend. But general speaking I’m mom. I’d like to believe their friends like me. I know for a fact my kids like hanging out with me. I have a terrific relationship with them.
So really, why am I afraid? I’m giving them all the tools they need to become responsible adults. I really don’t need to worry. Will they make mistakes? Absolutely! And hopefully they will learn from them. Right now I’m just going to sit back and enjoy the last years I have left. I only have 3 1/2 with my son and 5 1/2 years left with my daughter. That time is going to go by so incredibly fast. Don’t take moments for granted. Enjoy your time with your children.
I love you!
~Mom
Emotions….
So many if us are led by our emotions especially if your a girl. No matter how old I am, or how logical I am I still fight my emotions. I fight the urge to make compulsive decisions based solely on my emotions. I know this isn’t necessarily healthy, but my children tend to rule my emotions the most. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so incredibly connected to them?
My daughter just texted me to tell me that she just got an “A” on her science test and yesterday she got an “A” on her social studies test. This is phenomenal accomplishment for her. She has been working so hard to earn the right to take her riding lessons. Because it doesn’t matter if she has the money, she has to get good grades on all her tests in order to ride over the weekend. It’s a motivator.
My husbands job is hanging in the balance causing me to not be able to fully commit to the lease of her horse. The owner of the horse is an incredible human being. She’s allowing me to lease her for February knowing it could be the only month we lease her for. Can you imagine telling YOUR daughter “I’m sorry honey, the dream I do desperately want to give you is over because we can’t afford it.” My daughter is also a phenomenal human being. There will he tears but ultimately her maturity will allow her to understand. There is also the possibility that she could still take the riding lessons without actually being in 4-H. It’s just hard to imagine how painful it will be to tell her that something I could readily afford for the most part just got ripped away from us.
How awful is it that money is the one thing standing in the way if my daughters dream to ride? Money is seriously the root of all evil. We work and work to earn a descent living and in the blink if an eye someone can come in and rip it out from underneath you.
~B
I am NOT perfect…
It recently came to my attention that someone close to me in my life believes that I think I am “perfect.” While I strive hard to achieve certain goals in my life I do not by any means believe I am perfect. I think I am a well-balanced mother, I think I have developed a business I can be proud of. I am not a very good daughter and I am not a very good wife. I struggle with these two roles because of my past and things that are beyond my control. I would like to get better at these roles, and I do believe that I have made excellent strides in doing so over the last 7 months.
DO I wish that sometimes I didn’t drink so much, once in a while, causing me to be mean to my husband….absolutely. Maybe I just shouldn’t drink and maybe that is something that could be worth looking into. HOWEVER; I feel like I take on a very heavy load of activities all week-long such as work and raising my two kids. I will FREELY admit that my husband is fairly neglected because I am a mom FIRST. These kids didn’t ask to be brought into this world and it is my job to make sure that I raise the best humans possible. I have to succeed at my job or I will have no income to help provide for my family. I rarely do anything for myself any more because I am so wrapped up in what is going on with everyone else….I have become THAT person. Anyone who knows me personally know I am pretty selfish and putting anyone elses needs before my own is a travesty. I have also come to understand that being selfish just is not a good trait to have.
We live in a step-family situation. Did you know that due to our personal situation that our pastor told us before we got married that we have an 80% chance of getting divorced? I can totally see why now that I have been married for almost 6 years.
Why?
1. My kids come first…
2. I have a full-time job….and to me it’s not just ANY job. It’s a job that is mentally draining due to all the conversations I have all week with people. I LOVE my job. Plus, I am self-employed so if I don’t work, I don’t get PAID!
3. My kids came to live with us last May full-time. Their dad and I used to split them 50/50. This definitely leaves less time for my husband and I, and a lot less time just for me to get things done. Now I am cooking dinner EVERY night and making sure the kids have homework done, chores done, running around to different sporting events and practices. This is really exhausting, and new to me since I used to split this responsibility with their dad.
4. I rarely have time to even think about sex, or have a sex drive for that matter! My energy is zapped from all the other shit I’m doing which is clearly a problem. I will have to work on this…but not today. Honestly if ANYONE knows how I can magically make this better I would LOVE to know!
Apparently because I know how to parent and do a few other things well this equivalates to me believing I am perfect. Anyone who knows me well knows damn well that I have no problem pointing out my own flaws and inadequacies. I am the FIRST person to apologize SPECIFICALLY for what I have done wrong in a given situation. Does this mean I am NEVER going to screw up again in a like fashion and manner? Absolutely not! And why? Because I am HUMAN and NOT perfect. This really hurt my feelings. First of all I by no means believe that I am perfect, nor do I even remotely act like I am perfect. I protect the layers of myself from harmful surroundings. I can be mean, hurtful and demanding….but I know for a fact that I am NOT alone in this. If you are in a step-family you can probably relate to this especially if you got remarried when your kids were a little older.
It’s like “Hey, let’s blend these 4-5 people together who don’t really know each other that well and see how long they can keep it together without getting divorced. Maybe we set ourselves up for failure by getting remarried once we have brought children into the mix. But I will say this about MY children. They are ALWAYS respectful, they do as they are asked with no fuss, they get great grades and are involved in many positive activities.
I will say this one more time….I AM NOT PERFECT!!!!! I will say however, that I feel slightly like I’m going off the deep end…so if anyone has a rope and would like to throw it over for me to grab onto I would really appreciate the grace…..
Oh, did I mention that I struggle with severe anxiety and depression as well? No? Ok, well throw that into the mix as well…
~B