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The “Heart of Judy” 

Oct3

My forever inspiration....Judy....

My forever inspiration….Judy….

Tonight I went to my former hairdresser’s Celebration of Life. When she started doing my hair she was 60, I had just turned 21. She died at a young age of 71. Judy was incredible. Judy walked me through the pregnancy of my first child and how incredibly scared I was. The shock of finding out I was pregnant AGAIN less than 2 years later (again scared to death). She was supportive in my reasons to leave my children’s dad, then watched me have an affair, marry that man, and then helped me walk through the agonizing death of that same husband who committed suicide. She then encouraged me through the courtship and marriage of my current husband Gary.

In the 12 years that Judy was my hairdresser she heard many MANY stories about my life as you can see. Constantly walking me through the weathering of storms. And clearly, as you can imagine just from the above, brief description, she held my hand through a lot. She wiped my tears, hugged me like a second mom/grandmother. I NEVER once felt judged for anything I did even though I knew that she knew some paths I was/had taken were wrong. Judy would listen, nod, and give gentle words of encouragement; gentle words of wisdom. If I could describe it, I would describe it as playing the “devils advocate, with the heart of Jesus.” So tender and loving, but always speaking the truth even if wasn’t what I wanted to hear; It’s what I needed to hear. She ALWAYS spoke truth in love and prayer.

Tonight, as I reminisced in my head all the accounts of my life I had shared with Judy, I had what some would call a “come to Jesus moment”. You see, Judy loved fiercely. She never judged; 12 years I spent with Judy. In 2009 I became a nail technician. In that time I started working in a salon with my dearest friend Tina. I decided it was time to “try someone new” (as I recently heard from one of my own long-time clients). With Judy I felt like I had reached the end of an era. I made an appointment to go talk with her. As I told her I was going to try Tina, she looked at me with the utmost love in her beautiful eyes and told me she understood, would miss me so much, asked me to please come visit, and gave me the most beautiful and fierce hug I will never forget.

As I walk in the same shoes, as a nail tech, being a “sober man’s bartender” for lack of a better term; experiencing and embracing my clients lives; I’ve come to realize I have not extended that same grace to my clients who’ve left. I’ve had several clients leave, all for different reasons. Two specifically were very painful, as I loved them fiercely, and walked with them through many journeys in their lives. I have to wonder…..why didn’t they come to me as I had Judy? Was it because they thought or knew I would be upset? As I sat tonight pondering my most recent encounter with my friend/client Tricia, I realized maybe she didn’t think she could tell me. After prying enough, through what I knew was coming, she told me she wanted to “try someone new” that it wasn’t personal, she loved my work, and that she still wanted to be friends. I wasn’t Judy in that moment. I wasn’t the heart of Jesus. I was angry, I felt betrayed, I took it personally because she had been with me for 4 years. We spent time together outside the salon; just like Judy had with me. I was with Judy THREE TIMES longer than Tricia has been with me. To top it off I ranted on Facebook about it leaving out her name. I know she had to have seen it and it probably really hurt her. It probably solidified what she thought might happen if she’d just told me the truth. I do believe I would still have been hurt; but less hurt had she come to me in person; however maybe she didn’t know this.

I want to be a Judy. See….if things didn’t work out with Tina, Judy would’ve taken me back in a split second. No awkwardness. I made it awkward for Tricia to ever possibly come back. But what I want her to know is that I learned tonight that no matter how much you care for someone; they may decide it’s the end of their era with me. Maybe they’ll be back. Maybe they won’t. But it’s my job to make sure everyone feels as though they would be welcomed back. I plan to apologize. I don’t know what will happen. But whatever does happen…..I’ll be ok with it. I know I messed up after tonight. I feel terrible.

Tonight I gained perspective, moments of clarity, and knowing I have the ability to make new choices and become wiser. I hope she can forgive me, that we can have that dinner and drinks she originally suggested. I hope it’s not irreparable. However; if it is….I’ll gracefully take the blame. 99% of this could have been avoided if I had approached it with a “Judy” heart.

I think I might make a sign for my shop that is always in my sight that says “approach this from a “Judy’s heart” knowing that means no judgment, no hard feelings. I plan to attempt this in all aspects of my life. Not just my business life. Many people have extended grace to me when I’ve messed up. It’s time to have Judy and Jesus’s heart and do the same…..
~B💗

Suicide….I Will Never Be the Same…This Is A State Of Grace…

Mar1

“Haunted”

You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
but I never thought I’d live to see it break
It’s getting dark and it’s all too quiet
And I can’t trust anything now
And it’s coming over you like it’s all a big mistake

Oh, I’m holding my breath
Won’t lose you again
something’s made your eyes go cold

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I said to you
He would try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead

Oh, I’m holding my breath
Won’t see you again
something keeps me holding on to nothing

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

I know, I know, I just know
You’re not gone. You can’t be gone. Noooooooo.

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
Won’t finish what you started
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t go back, I’m haunted

You and I walked a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I’d see it break.
Never thought I’d see it…

*A Taylor Swift song that PERFECTLY describes my EXACT feelings for my husband who committed suicide…

Dear Craig….

Mar1

“Dear Craig”

Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
And my mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight
Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let you know why

Dear Craig, I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home, I should’ve known.

Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love then take it away

And you’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret how I ignored when they said,
“Run as fast as you can.”

Dear Craig, I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home

Dear Craig, I see it all now it was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games?
When I loved you so, I should’ve known.

You are an expert at “Sorry”
And keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you’ve run dry have tired lifeless eyes
Cause you’ve burned them out

But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don’t look now
I’m shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

Dear Craig, I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home

I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?

*Taylor Swift song….I just changed a couple words to make it fit my feelings…

~B

Lives Changed Forever

Mar1

You really did it this time

Caught yourself in your war path…

lost you balance on the tight rope

lost your mind trying to get it back…

It was easier when you believed in everything

When everyone believed in you…

Are you innocent?

Did some things you couldn’t speak of…

The bottle makes you live it all again

Wasn’t it easier in your childhood days…

Wasn’t it beautiful before the monsters came after you

Your lights still shines for me…

Who you are is not what you did

Everyone of us has messed up too…

Lives changed forever

Changed

Mar1

Let me know it’s not all in my mind

I want to go there and have you to find…

Everything has changed

All I know is that I want to say hello…

You and I walk a fragile line

it’s so dark and I can’t trust anything now…

I’m holding my breath

But I lose you again

Don’t leave me like this…

I still mean everything I said

I’m holding my breath

Your all I wanted…

I feel so haunted…

I know….I know…

your no good, you can’t be good…

Something went terribly wrong

I can’t breathe now that your gone…

The pain from the suicide has me trapped and walking a fragile line….

Kay…”You teach people how to treat you…”

Jan7

Kay and I met at our friend Pam’s son’s first birthday party on a June day in 2005. I remember there was four of us girls that got to know each other that day and have, in one way or another, been a HUGE part of each others lives. Kay says she will always remember what I was wearing when she met me. It was a little red and white plaid jumper…Kay, Pam and I became fast friends. Kay and I had a connection that I will never be able to explain. We were able to talk over one another, yet still complete the conversation like pros. We could finish each other sentences, it was amazing. It’s rare in this life that your able to find a girlfriend that can complete you in so many ways as Kay has for me over the years.

In 2006, Kay and I took our first road trip together, we packed our bags and headed to Portland, Or where we were going to see BON JOVI! We were like two 16 year-old girls that day. We played his newest album so we’d know the lyrics to all the songs. I remember laughing so hard on that trip. It was one of the best memories of my entire life. This was a friend I would have for life…I mean this woman taught me how to make DRINKABLE coffee without flavored creamer! YOU CAN DO THAT? “With enough milk and sugar, you can do anything.” she said. This road trip was only the beginning of something special between the two of us.

On my birthday, May 2, 2006, Kay took me shopping. She was determined to get me out of my “Ugly Jesus shoes” (they were brown Birkenstocks), and I LOVED THEM….Kay hated them. She said I had “amazing calves” and I needed a heel that would “elongate my calves.” At that point in my life I was lucky to have an elongated WAIST, let alone CALVES! I still chuckle as I remember her words. I will remember that day forever, it was so much fun, We shopped for HOURS, ate lunch, and she found me the perfect heels to go with all my dresses…I still have them…and I will keep them forever…

Later that year, Kay, Pam, and I all went to a Christian conference together called Women of Faith with our church. I remember that conference taking my faith in God to new heights. I believe the three of us shared a hotel room that year….but I could be wrong, I can’t remember. We sat together, we walked together, we encouraged one another. I had just gotten married, to Craig, the year before and it was an extremely tumultuous marriage. Kay and Pam were always encouraging me to be better….to do better. These woman had been at this whole “God thing” quite a bit longer than I had. They never once made me feel like a burden when I would call them crying, but would bounce me between them so neither one of them got burnt out. I totally can’t blame them; I was a complete basket case almost the entire 2 year that I was married to my first husband.

Kay and I spent a lot of time together having coffee and tea and talking about what life means and how we could continually to grow in God. She was my INSPIRATION to be a better person. I remember her giving me the analogy that the holy spirit is like a seed, if you water it, it will grow, but if you neglect it, it will shrivel. I was always struggling to water my seed and I still struggle to this day. I struggle with why God allows certain events to take place in our lives…

In the summer of 2007, my entire world came crashing down around me….I recieved the news, on a Monday, August 27, 2007, at work, that my husband had committed suicide. I remember my world completely stopping. (I will write more on this one day, but not today). I called another friend at the time to come get me from work, and I went to stay with her. Pam took my kids that night and I think they spent the night with her. I remember calling Kay and begging her to please come get me as I needed her, as I wasn’t in the right home at that point. Kay and her husband came and gathered me up. The moment I walked into their house a sense of peace came over me, as this would be my home for the next week. Kay made sure I ate, I remember her feeding me crackers…they were these sweetish kind of crackers that I could nibble on as I wasn’t eating much (go figure). I think she made me eat a weird salad the next night because I needed “My veggies.” Kay drove me around to every appointment I had that week. I barely remember a thing from that week as it all happened so fast. I remember she drove me to the funeral home and I just couldn’t make any decisions, and she kept telling me “No decision have to be made today.” I think we left and went back another day. Kay helped me with all the phone calls, hosted a brunch for me and Craig’s family, found me a lawyer, and walked me through the entire grieving process. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. I believe, if my memory serves me correctly, the funeral was the following Monday, Labor day, 2007. I believe Kay and Web sat behind me at the funeral, but I really don’t remember. I stayed one more night at their house the day of the funeral, and was gently encouraged to return home the next day. A week had gone by; in fact I’m pretty sure I would’ve stayed longer, but my children needed me and Kay and Web assured me that I was going to be ok. They told me they were only a phone call away if I needed them.

I returned home from Kay’s to a completely SPOTLESS home, Pam came in and completely wiped it clean with the power of her soul. My floors were mopped, my carpets vacuumed, everything dusted, bathroom cleaned, and mine and the kids’ rooms were cleaned. Pam is a “behind the scenes” person. She is like a little angel, she always popped in when I least expected it, but somehow always knew when I needed it most. (She has a huge role in my life and will get her own story one of these days). These are the only two women I have remained friends with after all these year. The only two women who never turned their backs on me when things got rough over the years.

In the summer of 2008, I remarried to my current husband Gary. Kay and Pam were my Matrons of Honor, and my sister was my maid of honor. See, I couldn’t choose just one. My sister was a given, but Kay and Pam were my backbone, my sisters in Christ, Kay being the older sister, Pam being the middle sister, and I the youngest. Web, Kay’s husband gave me away; he will always be the brother I never had. Kay gave the most beautiful speech as she cried, and we all struggled to hear what she was saying. Because that’s Kay, ALWAYS crying in sadness and joy. I don’t think there is a moment that I can think of when we haven’t been together and Kay hasn’t cried from SOMETHING. Generally it’s laughter and joy, but oftentimes it’s just her heart. She has one of the purist hearts I have ever witnessed. She CONSTANTLY was trying to keep me on the straight and narrow path as I constantly tested her patience with my zigging and zagging. Oh the stories she could tell you!

In January of 2010, we got the news that Kay had stage three colon cancer, I remember being so scared. I returned only a fraction of what she did for me by taking her to several chemo appointments, and visiting her as often as I could. She is one of the strongest fighters I have ever witnessed a day in my life. Kay praised God every step of the way, sometimes wondering why her, but I also remember her saying “Why not me?” Kay never thought she was above anything or any situation; Kay just constantly said, “I don’t know why this is happening, but God will see me through it!” and He did…..after a surgery and 8 months of chemo, she was cancer free. She BEAT COLON CANCER!!! We were all so incredibly relieved.

I think I’m still in denial. It can’t be true, one of my best friends, longest friends, one of my timeless friends….was diagnosed with brain cancer on the eve of her 50th birthday…December 6, 2013. Kay has been given only 6-9 short months to live. Kay has decided to forgo radiation and try to beat this with a very special, extremely restricted, diet called the Gerson diet. It’s been proven over and over that cancer can, and does, get beaten with an organic, special blend diet that is VERY EXPENSIVE. When I talked to her last she had been on the diet for 4 days and felt FANTASTIC! I believe that through the power of prayer, family, and a good wholesome diet with the certain organic foods, SHE CAN BEAT THIS!!! And YES, I am going to ask for YOUR HELP! See, we are all on this earth to help one another. If we all gave just $10 (that’s TWO STARBUCKS COFFEES) that would be enough to continue to feed her this very expensive, special diet and hopefully will save her life.

I just don’t understand how this can happen to such a beautiful person. Kay has been an inspiration to me for YEARS. She’s the one who taught me, “You teach people how to treat you.” Those words will be passed down from generation to generation in my family…all from this ONE person. HOW CAN ONE PERSON HAVE SUCH AN AMAZING EFFECT ON SOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE I WILL NEVER KNOW……

See, all things happen for a reason, If I hadn’t met Craig chances are I wouldn’t have 2 of my best friends now, Pam and Kay. I can’t imagine these two women NOT being in my life forever. PLEASE help me, help my inspiration. Kay is one of the reasons I continue to walk with God even when I am so angry and would like to turn my back on Him.

I humbly ask that you take a moment to pray, or if your spiritual, then to just ask whatever high power you believe in, to touch your heart and donate to one of the most worthy people I have ever met….The link is posted right here….

http://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/y3q3/susan-kay-beeman-cancer-fund#

Kay and her husband Web

Kay and her husband Web


Kay and her husband and Gary and I's wedding 2008....never seen two people more in love!

Kay and her husband at Gary and I’s wedding 2008….never seen two people more in love!


Kay giving her Maid of Honor speech...

Kay giving her Maid of Honor speech…


Kay leading us in prayer before my wedding...

Kay leading us in prayer before my wedding…


Me, Kay, and Pam and my wedding shower...T

Me, Kay, and Pam at my wedding shower…


Kay and Web

Kay and Web

A Baby….Seriously God?

Jan4

I’ve always been the rebellious one in my family…the black sheep so to speak. No one ever set a single boundary for me, as a child, and in essence I grew up getting my way on EVERYTHING. I would pout for HOURS until I obtained whatever it was I was after. I constantly refused to do things just to be difficult, and prove no one could make me do anything I, myself, didn’t want to do. Because the adults in my life didn’t know how to handle a child of such defiance I was given whatever I wanted just to get me to behave. Well I don’t have to tell you that it basically turned me into a self-entitled little brat! This unfortunately carried into my adult years…FUN!

Now, to my credit, I graduated high school in 3 years due to taking college courses (out of pure boredom and not wanting to be home) with my then, highschool boyfriend. I only took these classes so my boyfriend and I could spend time together. I had no idea that at the beginning of my junior year of high school my counselor would tell me that I had the opportunity to graduate that year. Due to taking college classes such as math and english I was eligible for early graduation. I accepted that offer at the drop of the hat. I HATED high school and wanted nothing more than to be done. I graduated from highschool and started my life at 17. I proceeded to move out almost immediately; I worked 2-3 jobs during this time just to make ends meet. I may have never had discipline growing up, but we were poor. So I didn’t have a singe person I could call and ask for help from. Looking back, I’m glad I didn;t have anyone, but at the time I TOTALLY wished I did. Having no one to rely on made me work a million times harder since I had an apartment to pay for, power, phone (like old school, plug-into-the-wall type phone). I pretty much had to bike everywhere or occasionally get a ride from my mom. I was finally able to afford to by a cheap car. I think I paid $1000 for it and made the guy $100 payments for 10 months; it was a 1985 UGLY brown Chevy Chevette. While it might have been ugly, that car traipsed me and my close friend all over the place. I lived in Crescent City, CA back then (my mom moved us there when I was 12). I have no clue why my mom would move us to such desolate, horrible place, where pretty much everyone was mean…especially the kids. Oh yes, she wanted to live near the OCEAN! She couldn’t have moved us to MALIBU? OK, rabbit trail….sorry, I do that all the time…

I got out of Crescent Shitty…*cough, cough* I mean Crescent City when I was 21. I moved 3 hours north to a valley in Oregon. It is beautiful here in Southern Oregon. I got pregnant with Taylor pretty quick, because agin, I had no boundaries. Looking back this is probably comes from being molested when I was 12, but that’s an entire OTHER story that I do not feel like discussing tonight. Anyway, needless to say pregnancy was quite the shock. Keep in mind for later, that the day I found out I was prego, was the first time I had laid foot in a church in YEARS. I don’t remember what the service was about, but I do know my roommate talked me into going to church with her and her friend that morning. I got sick eating pizza at the mall after church and I immediately knew something was wrong. I had the immediate feeling that I was pregnant, and I was right. I was freaking out about how I would provide for a child on $$6.95 an hour. I had no idea what I should do. I went back and forth about my options, and at one point decided I would keep it and then later had a FREAK OUT and decided to get a late-term abortion. I was 4 1/2 months pregnant, and I scheduled the procedure for the following week. I just couldn’t be a mom, I could barely take care of myself. At that time I pretty much knew nothing about God. I owe the credit of my son’s entire existence to a local pastor. It was just about closing time when this man came through my line. Our exchange went as follows:

Pastor: “Good evening young lady, how are you tonight?” (He did introduce himself as a local pastor of a church in my area).
Me: “Fine” (in my head thinking, “please don’t make small talk, I’m not in the mood dude”)
Pastor: I rarely get the inclination to do something like this, but I want you to know that God wants me to deliver a very important message to you.”
Me: *thinking dude, your crazy* But also a bit awe-struck and curious…I had no idea that what he was about to say would change my life forever.
Pastor: God knows that you are going through something extremely difficult and wants you to know that he wants you to do what HE would want you to do.”
Me: With tears in my eyes and completely dumbfounded as my chin I’m pretty sure hit the floor, I said, “I’m sorry, WHAT?”
Pastor: May I pray with you?”
Me: “sure”
Pastor: Dear heavenly Father, I pray that you pour your wisdom into this young lady so that she will honor you.” (Short and sweet)
Me: (tears now abundantly clear) I whisper… “thank you”
Pastor; young lady, things will be ok, just listen to God.”

And just like that he walked away….

I went home that night and prayed for, pretty much, the first time in my entire life. I think it went something like this:
“God, I have no idea what happened tonight, and I am pretty freaked out. I have no business keeping this baby. I have a crappy job and no money to raise a kid on, you DO NOT want me to be a mother, I ASSURE you!!!” And without the skip of a beat I heard a voice that said, “This child will come into the world to do great things.” I was SO FREAKED OUT I jumped up out of bed, turned on my light, because I was POSITIVE someone was in my room….but there was no one. Just me, and my bed, and my now wildly crazy thoughts that I am CLEARLY schizophrenic, because I am hearing voices in my head! I went and got a drink of water; my heart was beating so fast I was sure I was going to have a heart attack. I mildly calmed myself down, I get back into bed, and I say “OK God, if that was REALLY YOU, then you need to show me a sign that this is something I am really supposed to do…A CLEAR SIGN…(Picture this: I am shouting out loud…I knew I sounded like a lunatic!) But what happened next would change fate forever. I was lying there, and all of a sudden I felt what felt like butterflies in my stomach. It was the first time I ever felt him move, the flutters lasted for about 30 minutes. I had my sign….I laid in my bed and cried for hours, knowing I had just committed to becoming a mother. I had never felt so scared in that moment, than I have ever felt in my entire life.

4 1/2 months later I gave birth to a son, Taylor. My ENTIRE family was in the delivery room…(Imagine my big fat greek wedding), seriously….even my 14 year-old sister AND her boyfriend were in there (BIRTH CONTROL)! Which must have worked since she’s 29 with no plans to have children. After 15 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing, All was quiet as Taylor was making his appearance into the world…and all of a sudden I hear my mother yell “WHY IS HE BLUE?” The doctor looked at her and said, “YOU….OUT….NOW!” Seriously, why would you yell that? If you knew my mother you would understand. Taylor was born a healthy baby boy (I wish I could remember his stats, but I don’t). I do remember however that he was born on 3/31, at 3:33am, in room 3, in the Chinese NEW Year of the Rabbit (luckiest year), and most importantly the blessing of the LORD. I’m pretty sure that 3 is his lucky number…

I wish I could go on to say that I found God, and was a phenomenal mother, but that is far from the truth; I was still the same self-centered girl I was 9 months before…

In case you’re wondering, I just told my son this full story on this most recent Christmas night. It was the right timing as he has been dealing with some very personal issues. I never want him to doubt that there isn’t a God…because that would be a travesty all things considering. I’m not sure anyone in my family knows this story because none of them believe in God, and I’m not sure they would believe me anyhow.

I promise I will continue the story of what happened next, but the story of ones life can not be written in a whole night….

loves,

~B

Taylor became my INSPIRATION….

Taylor and I when he was around 4.

Taylor and I when he was around 4.

Taylor, Age 3

Taylor, Age 3

Taylor, age 1 1/2

Taylor, age 1 1/2

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, today, Age 14 1/2

Taylor, today, Age 14 1/2