My life today, on all accounts, as of right now, is really wonderful. I have a very loving, hard-working, amazing, and supportive husband. I’ve never met anyone in my life who works harder than that man does. My husband provides me with the opportunity to work part time. I know that he knows that I only work part time. It’s not a secret when you’re only working 12 to 5￼￼.
Part of me wonders if my husband even knows this. Does Gary know that because of him I get to live such a beautiful, simple life? It’s not extravagant, but it’s comfortable, tranquil. I love
my life. Because of my husband, I am able to give myself more self-care. This is a luxury not very many people are afforded.￼
What do I do with my time otherwise? I do various things. I play with my bird a lot. Oliver keeps me very entertained. I’m going to start going through things in my house that I just don’t need anymore. Do the happiness cleanse so to speak. ￼ apparently you ask something if it brings you joy and if it doesn’t then you get rid of it. I think it’s brilliant! ￼
Self-care is going to be the focus of 2020. In more ways than one. Mainly mentally. But I would like to start incorporating some healthier eating and healthier thinking habits. However if I still wanna piece of cheesecake I’m going to eat that damn piece of cheesecake. Because seriously, it’s cheesecake.
I’d like to ￼get one small task done a weekend that I don’t want to do. So, at the end of the day, taking care of something that you don’t want to take care of lifts a feeling of burden and that ends up being self care. For me at least.
I’m not gonna lie. I really do hope 2020 is kinder than 2019. I PRAY it. I came out stronger at the end of 2019. I have done battle scars. I know many other people who have battle scars from 2019 as well. ￼I really, really PRAY that 2020 is kinder to all of us.
I guess now is the time to go do a little closet organizing! ￼
So, for those of you that may not be aware…I just started participating in a year-long therapy journey called DBT. It stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. In one word? AMAZING! But at the same time….extremely difficult. This is my second week participating in the group portion of the therapy which I thought I would hate but I totally LOVE! Tonight we talked about RADICAL ACCEPTANCE……take that in for a minute….Radical Acceptance…..
Accepting any situation that you don’t WANT to accept is going to difficult right? Losing a loved one, discovering you have cancer, finding out your spouse has been having an affair, finding out your child is being bullied at school, just the tough stuff that is thrown at us on a daily basis. Even the smaller things like the dishwasher breaking, our child getting sick etc. BUT….to RADICALLY ACCEPT these situations and commit to not focusing on the bad, but accepting that the situation purely “is what it is.” That is HARD!!!!
Tonight we did this activity where we had to write down 5 or 6 adjectives that we felt described us. Then we had to write down the opposite of those adjectives. Our group leader then told us to digest that in fact BOTH lists were true of ourselves. I looked at my lists and at first I was really sad, then I was kind of irritated because I didn’t want the opposites (the negatives) to be true. However, no one is perfect. My list made me a human being and I’m working on improving the negative stuff.
With radical acceptance I can take my problem, and start to solve it, by changing how I feel about it. I can choose to accept it and work on it, or I can stay miserable. Suffering is less intense with acceptance. Let that sink in for a minute. ”
I’ll leave you with this…..but I will write more soon. In the meantime….Is there a situation in your life you can work on radically accepting?
OK, So I just recently started this new journey of therapy. If you haven’t already, there is a whole post dedicated to DBT therapy you can go read on. Simply put? AMAZING!!!! I’ve only been 4 times but I have learned a plethora of information! Isn’t it logical that if your going to walk someone through all the non so warm and fuzzy times of their lives that you would at least prepare them with tools for emotional success and have them practice these before the real therapy begins?
I went to traditional therapy for SIX years people and I am right back where I was but actually I’m worse because that woman totally screwed me up. Anyway….I’ve been to this one 4 time and I think between this and the small amount of medication I let my doctor put me on, I’m suddenly feeling FANTASTIC for the most part this last week! I struggle with anxiety and actively noticed that my anxiety level was at like practical non-existent compared to my high-strung, if it doesn’t go as it should…everything is.going.to.end.FOREVER……
I’M TOTALLY ROCKING OUT TO BANG BANG BY ARIANA GRANDE….(THANKS SON)….LOL
Anyway, I feel great so I’m totally not going to over think it too much and just roll with it because whatever I’m doing is WORKING! lol.
It is hard work though, I’ll be honest. It’s a lot of constant redirection of thinking. It can be a little exhausting BUT it’s getting a little easier each day with practice patience, self acceptance, self-love, etc…..kinda like the whole nail art adventure I’ve currently embarked upon! I mean if I’m going to live this life I want it to be the best, most influential one I can lead!
If I can change from who I was to who I want to be it’ll be the greatest accomplishment I could even make! I also had a BREAKTHROUGH business idea tonight! More on that later….! Seriously, I think it’s borderline genius and I wouldn’t have to quit my job doing nails to do it if I could make it work. But that’s WAY later down the road, BUT exciting nonetheless!
I’ve also gotten to form some really neat connections lately. I never know how long I’ll ever get with a person before they’ll move, on, have to stop getting their nails done for some reason etc. The BEST part of my job HANDS DOWN is sharing life stories and experiences! Doesn’t it make this life not feel so lonely and scary!? Oh, and we can all realize we’re not crazy because there is someone else out there who is just as ‘cray cray’ as they are on some level! I love the relatability factor I have with 95% of my clients. It’s hard to even say the word client and not refer to my clients as “this friend of mine” which oftentimes I do!
Ok, I really am going to try to keep up my blog a little more consistently!
I learned a few coping skills at my first appointment on Thursday. I can tell you that I did NOT tap into those skills today AT ALL! I should have, but I was so blinded by anger and hurt that my head was spinning like something you would see in a Poltergeist movie! The fury that arose from being so blinded by fear and injustice was overwhelming; especially for someone with BPD. I will admit that while I had every right to FEEL the way I did, that my REACTION should have been different; instead of screaming and blowing up on my family member, I should have taken a break, grouped my thoughts together, and taken a more productive approach. But I didn’t. I blew a gasket. You know who this really hurts? Just me. My shoulders are tight, anxiety is high, I’m embarrassed and feel icky inside. I’m so tired of feeling like this and it’s just fueling me to turn my “Sadness into gladness” as my dear friend Lori put it today.
The world is sometimes a really scary feeling place and that is really hard for someone like me to admit. On the outside, I’m most of the time, sweet, bubbly, talkative, and friendly. Please hear me when I tell you this….I am not fake….I really, truly am all of those things. However, sometimes I have to force those behaviors in order to hide other behaviors such as fear, anxiety, depression etc.
I didn’t mention this in my last post because my head was a mess and I was just writing because I find writing soothing. On Thursday, my therapist asked me a TON of yes/no questions. Turns out, (so she says) that I have PTSD, and major depressive disorder. Now the PTSD I could not have predicted, but MDD? I rarely feel the need to stay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. However, that is not what MDD really means. MDD is as follows:
• Depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than two weeks.
• Mood represents a change from the person’s baseline.
• Impaired function: social, occupational, educational.
• Specific symptoms, at least 5 of these 9, present nearly every day:
1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report
(e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).
2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day
3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite
4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia
5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation
6. Fatigue or loss of energy
7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness
9. Suicidality: Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan
I would like to be clear to my friends and family who follow me here. I DO NOT struggle with self harm or suicidal thoughts and tendencies or dissociation. Thank the LORD! My therapy plan is a ONE YEAR commitment. Every Tuesday morning I will go individually, and group therapy every Wednesday evening. Group therapy sounds scary, but I’m trying to remember that everyone in this group is like me which is why we’re all there. We all have a common goal…and that is to get better.
One of the things I struggle with the most is commitment. I commit and then I flake. Mainly I flake out of the “what if” fear. I go into irrational thinking and talk myself right out of the thing I committed to. I am making a COMMITMENT to myself first and my family to do this. I WANT to get better! 1 year of my life and I can most likely be BPD symptom free? YES PLEASE! It’s not going to be easy but it’s going to be totally worth it.
If you or someone you know struggles with depression I encourage you to seek help. While I haven’t seen the effects of this work yet, I also don’t have any tools to work with quite yet. Oh, I do have one thing…..I can call my therapist 24/7 in the event that I need coping skills immediately. I exercised this phone call last night, and I should have done it today. Honestly it didn’t even cross my mind to call her today. I think it’s because this whole thing is so new to me.
Loves until next time,
I’m remodeling my shop and I’m waiting for the paint to dry. So I thought I would take the opportunity to write this piece. It’s been a subject I’ve wanted to tackle for quite sometime.
It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down to write a real piece. I thought I would take criticism pretty good, but I don’t. Here’s the deal….if you don’t like my blog then it’s simple….JUST DONT READ IT….unsubscribe….please! With that being said….here we go!…
For many months I have felt like I have been just “going through the motions” at work and at home. Get what I need to do done, don’t invest much….and move on to the next daunting thing on my list. I’ve been plagued with depression my whole life which sucks. I really don’t have anything to be depressed about. Unfortunately for some people it is completely out of their control and they just feel how they feel. For me it goes much deeper than depression. In May, of this year, I was told that it was becoming clear that I did indeed have something more serious than depression….and this is the first time I have been brave enough to speak of it publicly. I was told that I “suffer” from
Borderline Personality Disorder.
I’ve “suffered in silence” (except for a few close friends and my husband), so to speak, since May. There is no medication that magically makes the symptoms of BPD magically disappear. NONE…..so hears a funny story (kinda) about the day I was hit with this diagnosis. I walked into my psychiatrists office, ready to tackle all of life’s problems, being completely 100% open with him for really the first time EVER in 10 years. He told me there was no medication to fix BPD….not.even.one. My soul was literally crushed into a million pieces. Here I had been working on my hormone problems and got all that fixed. So when I realized some of my other problems weren’t disappearing now that my hormones were fixed I was LIGIT ready to pop some pills. Because seriously…who likes to feel crazy? Anyone? A show of hands would be great! No one? Just me? GREEEAAAT……lol. There is nothing more debilitating than feeling like you are one ticking time bomb away from a nervous breakdown ESPECIALLY when every other aspect of your life is pretty fantastic. So what did I do? What any other
NORMAL CRAZY person would do…..I wallowed. I have wallowed in MISERY for MONTHS. I just can’t do it anymore. I have to take control of my life back. There is some light for people with BPD; it’s called DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Here is a quick breakdown of what it is:
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a well researched and comprehensive treatment approach designed to help people who have difficulty in regulating their emotions. This often results in a high degree of impulsive reactivity, self-destructive behaviors, and volatile relationships with others in their lives. DBT works by teaching participants to become more aware of their particular sensitivity to negative emotions such as anger and shame. At the same time, it provides the skills necessary to tolerate these feelings and then begin to regulate them. DBT also teaches assertiveness skills to enable participants to effectively begin asking for what they want from others and saying no to things they don’t want.
Who can benefit from DBT?
Studies have shown that DBT reduces:
- Suicidal behaviors
- Intentional self-injury
- Eating Disorders
- Substance Dependence
- Adjustment in general and especially improved social functioning
- Positive self-esteem
Fortunately I don’t really think aboout suicide nor do I inflict self-harm, BUT I do have a lot of the other signs. I called up my local DBT center and talked with the director. I wish I had not indeed wallowed in self pity for so many months and had just picked up the phone and called. But I didn’t, and the past is the past so I am now moving forward. I feel like I have some hope. The director made me feel so HOPEFUL! She told me there are people who have put their BPD into complete REMISSION!!!! YOU CAN DO THAT?? She went on to tell me that people who really put in the hard work (it’s a 24 week commitment minimum) can actually be completely 100% free of any BPD symptoms! I thought I was going to cry right then and there; I never dreamed in a million years that I could be freed from depression, anxiety, and oh the biggest one….the anger. Anger is one of the most debilitating feelings in the world because I don’t even know WHY I’ angry most of the time. When I told the director that I ran my own business and that I’m busy and successful she was very surprised. I can tend to keep it pretty together for 7 hours a day. I get my own therapy in talking to my clients and bouncing my stuff off of them.
I feel like I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel because tunnels without a light are dark, and scary.
Don’t be afraid to get help if you feel lost. Don’t wait months and months like I did. Help is out there. There is no shame in depression. It’s not your fault, you didn’t ask for it and there is help.
I have included a link to my local DBT center. It also gives a list of other DBT therapy places all over the United States.
I’ve had a lot on my mind these last few months as you can see. I’m super excited to say that my business of doing nails is absolutely ROCKING! I have some of the BEST clients EVER! So much has happened this year and I only had a few clients disappear. Was it due to the fluctuation of my mood because I had a lot going on in my life? I think so. But that’s ok. I’m learning fast that every single person comes into our lives for a reason; they also leave for a reason.
I plan to update this blog a lot more. I am hoping to empower more people to take control of their lives! I am looking for encouragement and would love to hear what you have to say.
Lots of love,
My mom is giving me permission to share my story with her followers in hopes maybe someone out there would like to help me….
Hi my name is Victoria, I am almost 13 years old and I am here to tell you my story… I’ve dreamt to do 4-H ever since I was about 8. I got this amazing offer to do 4-H and be in the fair this year by leasing a horse from my mom’s friend. My mom is making me raise $700 of it to teach me hard work and dedication… Here is my story, hope you enjoy.
My mom got my first horse when I was 8. When I rode her I just knew that my love was for horses. I remember my mom, my brother, and I we were at Costco and my mom told us that we got a horse. I literally jumped up from the table and hugged her so tight. That was the most exciting day for me. My horse’s name was Bella, but she didn’t really work out so we had to give her away. It was a very sad day for me…She was to stubborn and not the right horse for me.
When I was 9 my mom got us another horse named Tonka. She would always say “His name is Tonka, like a Tonka truck.” Tonka was the perfect horse. I loved him so much. I remember me and my mom use to go on trail rides with him. I used to ride him in an arena and I just kinda felt free when I was riding him. I felt like nothing could get in my path when I was riding Tonka. My mom and I would go to the barn every other day to clean out stalls to work off some of his board. I never once complained that we had to go out there and clean the stalls, even if it was night time. I was so determined that I would make the owner of the barn happy and pleased with who she picked to clean her stalls. I even made my mom come over and check if it was good enough to call it good and go on to the next stall. I was so determined to do a good job. But Tonka had a cribbing problem and my mom couldn’t find a new place to board him. So we had to sell him. I didn’t get to say goodbye to him (that’s not my moms fault though). The lady who came to get him could only come when I was in school. I cried so hard that night. Even to this day when I even talk about him, think about him, or even see a picture of him I still cry.
I’m in 7th grade and it’s a really hard year for me. But I’m getting the hang of it. I have a 3.8 GPA, I’m on the honor role, I made the basketball team and I haven’t played basketball a day in my life, but I was determined that I really wanted to play. I worked really hard, and practiced and I made the team. I am hoping I can do the same thing with 4-H. I’m strong, determined, and passionate. Last year I really wanted to go to this Summer camp but I needed about $150 to pay for it. So I decided to make scarves and charge $12 for each one. I earned a little bit over $200. That is how determined I was. When I want something I go after it no matter how much work it takes or how much time it takes. I plan on doing this with 4-H. I’m making scarves for $15, I’m babysitting, doing more house/yard work around my house. I will do whatever people want me to do. I will do whatever it takes to earn the $700 I need.
I feel that I am going to learn a lot doing 4-H because it takes time and patience. If i don’t get it right the first time I’ll just keep practicing till I do. I realize that all these hours at the barn everyday, all the riding lessons I take, all the work I do outside the barn is going to pay off. In the end I will be in 4-H, I will be in the fair and all of the work I did will definitely pay off in the end. I feel like doing this will make me feel like I can achieve anything that life throws at me. I also heard that 4-H gives out scholarships for college, maybe I can apply for one since I will be going to college after high school.
Since I have to earn part of the money to pay for this and my mom is paying for a lot to, I am willing to give up my big 13th Birthday party I was planning and my Summer. I am totally fine with doing this. In the Summer it is going to be hot and I’m going to be in pants, shirt, and helmet. I am going to be spending about 7-10 hours at the barn 5 days a week, but if I’m with a horse I am perfectly fine. I don’t care if it is hot. I am so dedicated to this I will do whatever it takes to have my dream come true.
I hope you can see my passion and determination, I will work whatever I have to do in order to earn the money. I know there are a lot of people who ask for donations. I will do whatever you want me to do to earn the money, I don’t expect it to be handed to me.
My mom has set me up a gofundme.com account for people who might want to donated money to me who see my story and want to help me but are not local people. I want you to know that I wrote this letter by myself, my mom only edited my misspelled words.
Here is the link to my donation account….