This was published on another blog site. I was so honored…
I was 24 and fairly naive when you met me. You were 16 years my senior. Did you really think it would work out with me? Did you have any idea the kind of corruption that you would leave on a fairly innocent young girl? You were my mailman at work, we had an instant connection, I know you felt it too. I met you in August 2002, by February 2003 we were having sex in the backseat of my car while our significant others were at home taking care of our children. I look back and feel so horribly guilty…..
I look back now and think about how selfish we were. There is no denying how much fun we had together that summer in 2003. We were so carefree and so incredibly selfish. It was the first time I ever tried smoking pot and decided I LOVED it. It was the first time I tried almost anything we ever did together. It was the first time I ever fished, camped as an adult, jet skied, played cribbage with someone other than my grandparents. The first time I traveled out of the country, the first time I went to a baseball game, the first time I went to San Francisco. The first time I ever had a step-daughter whom I loved so dearly. The first time I shot a gun….the same gun that you committed suicide with. You shot yourself in the HEART, in OUR BED I guess I should thank you for not ruining your viewing. How could you leave me to clean up such a mess? How dare you! Did you know that I was called that evening and blamed for your death because I chose to move out in hopes that you would clean up your act?
Did you know how much I loved you? Did you know that I gave up everything in my world to make you happy, but at the expense of my young children? You didn’t care, you were self-involved. When things were good, they were really great, but when things were bad they were really bad. You were always giving me false hope. Do you remember getting so drunk that you hit your chin and bled all over our floors for 2 days before you called me…it ended up that you broke your neck….one millemeter over and you would’ve been paralyzed forever. Do you remember tearing the wine bottle out of my hands as I cried and my knee got shoved into a screw? You were arrested and forced into rehab. But still, 4 months later you didn’t change.
Do you remember our first Christmas as a married couple? You were drunk….and the next year you were drunk again….it was a never-ending cycle with you. I look back and wonder why I loved you so much. Why did I put so much effort into someone who clearly didn’t give a shit about me or my children. I pretty much missed the first 6 and 8 years of my children’s lives by trying to take care of you, before I realized that YOU had to want it. But you didn’t want it. You chose the cowardly way out. You chose to get drunk, load your gun, put it up to your chest and SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEART! HOW???? No note, no anything, just leaving all of us with unanswered questions, hurt and pain. Do you care? Are you remorseful? Would you take it back? Did you have second thoughts as you pulled the trigger?
Did you know that I had to go back to our house the day you committed suicide because we grabbed the wrong paperwork in the garage…the real paperwork I needed was under our bed. Did you know that I bravely walked into our bedroom, saw the hole in the mattress and touched it to see if it was real? Did you know I looked under the bed to see if the bullet went all the way through? Did you know I cried next to your bullet hole until Kay had to drag me out of our bedroom? Did you know that I missed you for years? I missed our fun, I didn’t miss the drama. I focused for years on the fun, because it was too hard to focus on all the bad. I glorified you like you were such a great husband when in reality you were the WORST husband. Did you know that every time you told me I needed to lose weight that I would starve myself for days? Did you know that everyday that I came home I wondered what I was going to be coming home to?
I can’t help but wonder why God allowed you into my life. Maybe it was to make me realize that I needed to be a devoted mother. Was it a lesson in cheating? Did God allow you to commit suicide because we started out as an affair? Did God take you from me because he knew I needed permanent relief from your addict ways? Did God know that you were hurting more people than it was worth? I will never understand why you did what you did. I can’t imagine the hurt and pain you must have felt when you decided to load that cold gun. How many bullets did you load it with? 1….3….6? Did you know I was required to go pick up the gun from evidence? It sat in my garage for a year before I decided to call the police department and have them pick it up and destroy it. I don’t know why it even took me that long.
Did you know that I got married 10 months after you died? I think it was God’s way of saving me from going off the deep end. I think that he knew that Gary could handle everything that life was going to throw at us due to the ramifications of being with you for six years. I have seen Gary inebriated TWICE….he has taken care of me though more times than I can count. Did you know that your horrible ways rubbed off on me and I became a mean, nasty, horrible bitch? I blame you, but I also know I have to take responsiblity for allowing myself to go into such a space. Did you know that because of you I suffer from a mild eating disorder and self-image problems. Did you know that Gary is always telling me I am beautiful? Something you never said until I lost 62 pounds. Did you know that Gary knew he was going to have to be patient so my wings could heal?…For I had 2 very broken wings and could barely pick myself up off the ground.
Did you know that all our friends approved of Gary as being good for me just months after you died? Did you know that Gary and I met in early 2003? I dumped the relationship because you left your wife…again, and wanted to make it work with me. Gary has known me for YEARS, while you never really knew me at all. You just knew how you wanted me to be. You wanted a young, hot wife that you could brag about and spoil. You bought me anything I wanted but never could fully give me the one thing I needed and wanted so desperatly….and that was love. Did you know that Gary gives me that one thing I have always been looking for….love? Did you know that he’s never expected more than I can give? Did you know that he deserves the best wife in the world, but he gets a broken one instead. BUT….I am working on becoming a better wife. I’ve pretty much mastered the mom part….You always told me that I was a terrible mother, but for all the wrong reasons. I am a phenomenal mother with a bond that can never be broken with these children.
However, I struggle with being a wife. I struggle with compromise, I struggle with respect, and love, and kindness, and self-control. But, would I know my struggles if it weren’t for you? I may never know….what I do know is that you had a sick hold on me. I feel sorry for your family, but so much of a part of me is glad you died so I could move on. I wonder if you hadn’t died if I ever would’ve been strong enough to escape you….it’s been 6 1/2 years since you died…
Did you know I only told a FRACTION of what I went through in our marriage? Did you know this is the hardest thing I have ever written…..
Goodbye Craig….I hope you found the peace you were looking for….