Week 1 Unappologetically Me

46 weeks until I’m 40. I’m going to do this right. Well I’m going to try anyway, I won’t be perfect, I’ll decide at some point no one cares that I have 47 weeks and counting until I’m 40 but then I’ll remind myself that at the end of the day I am publishing this book for me. Noone else but me. I’m still convincing myself of this because what’s a book if no one reads it or buys it. FEAR, has driven me my entire life. If I don’t start now I never will. This is my dream. To write a book. Funny, heartwarming and totally stupid at times I’m sure.

Once upon a time in a place called Medford, Oregon lived this bat-shit, crazy nail tech/wife/mom/friend/daughter/sister….well you get the point. I think everyone thinks ,y niche is being a nail tech. Like thats how I’m creative and passionate. That’s a giant lie, I have never even pretended that was true. Anyone who has ever listened to me talk about how I got into nails in the first place already knows this story. Which of that happens to be you then you can probably skip to a more relavant chapter, OR you can relive again.

We all have a past. I can tell you where I was born and raised and blah, blah, blah, but none of that is really interesting. I actually don’t know where to start, well actually I do, but its an awkward place to start. Honestly everything before it was just your typical twisted, I cam frim a broken home, kinda family stuff. Typical. I guess. I’m going to bounce around a lot, but I know I’m a good writer so you should be able to follow along. Especially if your ADD them this book will be TOTALLY up your ally.

About eight years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, and depression. A FUN cocktail of mental disorders! Can I get an AMEN!? It’s been a struggle. I was in denial for the first five years. It wasn’t until it started to affect my kids and my work life that I decided I needed to get help. I left my first psychiatrist, mainly because he was retiring and a total asshole, and found my new psychiatrist who’s kinda hippy-ish but so incredibly awesome. She spent a solid hour with me going over my history. My first psychiatrist barely gave me the time of day; he just threw me whatever prescription of the month he thought would help me. Because I din’t trust him I rarely took my medications a prescibed. I litterly loathed the man who said I had these disorder but acted like he could give a rats ass about how I was doing. So after awhile,  I would go in for my monthly visits and tell him things were perfectly fine. I was done feeling uncared about nut it never occured to me to find another psychiatrist until I was forced to when he retired. What an incredible GOD SEND! My new doctor has fed me a cocktail of medications trying to figure out what will work for me. The problem is that they work for about three to six months and then they just seem to stop working. In saying this, she is constanly listening to me and genuinly cares about my well being.

Lets start when I was 12. I was molested and my life changed forever. Why? Because when something like that happens to a child it just flips a switch and everything is forever changed. This is relevant because I feel like I have linked this experience to my inability to trust men, hell even women. Now, if you know me, then you think I am WONDERFUL at making connections which is true. What is also true is that I have a hard time finding and keeping deep rooted connections. I KNOW a lot of women, and I love many of them dearly, and if their lucky (or unlucky) they might find their name in this book along the way. All of the women I have encountered in the last seven years have changed my life for the better, Seven years ago I became a nail tech. I was in school to be a psychologist as well, but I needed to make money while I was in school. I was “let go” from my job as an insurance agent. I did that job for six years. An answer to prayer in many ways and without that leas I would not be sitting here today writing this memoir. Now where do I go? OK, I’ll skip through some mumbo jumbo. I was 21 and new to Medford when I got pregnant with my son (more on that in his chapter). I was 23 when I got prego with my daughter and swore my world was ending. Youknow how I found out I was pregnant with Victoria? I was going in for a breast reduction and did a quick pregnancy test two days before I went in and BOOM! No breast reduction for me. I had VERY large breasts. I think they’re smaller now, honestly I can’t remember. But I DO remember being very pissed that I was no longer going to be able to get smaller breasts AND I was going to have another baby when at 23 I was practically a baby myself. Serioulsy, I know more than my fair share of, young, scared,  inteligent, underpridledged single mommies. Almost ALL of them are more mature at this whole baby thing than I ever was. The moment I realized my mom and their dad didn’t care if I left the babies at home while I hauled my ass down to Ground Zero Dance club (remember that place Medfordians???). Fun times right there. Now I know I should look back and feel a little guilty for going out while my kids were at home sleeping but thats exactly what they were doing….SLEEPING. What was I supposed to do? Watch them sleep? Boooooring. So I went with my friends to Ground Zero and danced aways most of the weekends all while never buying a drink for myself. Now I’m over here at almost 40 watching girls who were my age being WAY more responsibnle and taking their kids to the park, hanging out at home. Now mind you, I didn’t have, facebook, instagram, twitter, or snapchat to pass away the time at that age. I had the internet, AOL, chatrooms, and online games like cribbage. So this alone tells you how old I am! I had to go OUT to socialize. There was no TindR, plenty of fish, match.com etc to “hook up” or even try to find a date. BACK THEN we had to LEAVE THE HOUSE to meet people. I don’t even know how we did it. Anyway it was just a matter of time before Match.com came alonf and I met my now husband. But he’s irrelevant until much later. Well kind of. He was relevant when we hooked up in 2004, but then nothing more happned until 2007. More on that later.

In the last 39 almost for years I have had several life altering events happen. All in which I will get to eventually. So, if you’ve read this far and feel so inclined to stay, I would love to share the rest of the journey with you. Because that’s what life is. Life is a jouney.

 

 

 

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