Exposing my Vulnerabilities 

Good evening; as the founder and creator of the group, Confession of Wonderful Women on Facebook, I’ve only disclosed is that I struggle with “mental clarity”. That doesn’t tell you much. I will now make myself extremely vulnerable like you many of you have. This is incredibly difficult for me. As its probably was for many of you. It’s also scary. I put off a somewhat Perfect perception I’ve been told. This is far from the truth. 

I was molested at age 11. It didn’t go on for very long but enough to leave permanent scars. I started becoming promiscuous in my latter teen years. I had 2 unplanned pregnancies at age 21 and 23. Best thing possible as it settle me down but only a little. I had ZERO interest in being a mom. A host of problems followed. 

I had an affair with a married man his name was Craig. He left his wife, I left the kids dad. We were together 6 years, married for two. He committed suicide  Aug of 2007. Worst day of my life thus far. 

My husband now, Gary and I, actually dated when Craig decided to go make it work with his then wife. As soon as he decided he missed me to much and left again I was gone. He was my addiction. Literally. I miss the fun times. I do not miss the alcoholic, mental abuse. I developed an eating disorder because I was never good enough. 

I reconnected with Gary when I was separated from Craig. I had no intention of getting divorced as I was so in love I believed he’d get better. He didn’t.

I remarried 10 months after he passed away. I think it was God’s way of keeping me from self destruction. I have sabotaged this marriage in every way. Convinced Gary would leave me just like Craig did. Maybe not in the same way; but convinced he would. In my hindsight I can’t understand why he’s stayed. I’ve been down right nasty, venomous with my tongue. Lashing out at him and taking out on him all the hurt Craig left behind. It hasn’t been easy for him to stay; but he continues to say that he sees my potential. It baffles me. 

In 2008 I was dismissed with bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, depression, PTSD, and onset of bipolar depression. I told Gary we could call off the wedding; it was 6 weeks away but he refused. I’m not sure why. I denied the acceptance of these diagnoses and used marijuana to ease my troubled mind. It worked, but I quit using it for its purpose and started using it recreationally. I found that’s while it calmed my angry storms I no longer used it to calm me. I WANTED to sit in my anger. I didn’t want to be snapped out of it. I was JUSTIFIED in how I felt. Because of this I started lashing out not only at Gary but now my kids. That had NEVER happened before. My kids had become my entire world after Craig died. 

I decided to get real help. I quit using marijuana Jan 28th, 2015. I switched psychiatrists; she that took an entire hour to listen to me. She validated me and empathized with me. I NEEDED this to want to get better. I developed a trust in her that I didn’t have with my previous psychiatrist. She put me on medication. We’ve had to tweak it. I’ve still had meltdowns BUT they’re less frequent. My venomous tongue is controlled 99% of the time. I’m still edgy at times. However instead of taking it out on people I engulf myself into my clients (I’m a nail tech). My clients keep me sane. I don’t know where I’d be without them. Many say they don’t know what they’d do without me. That’s so weird for me to hear. I don’t fell worthy of that statement. 

This is a fraction of me. It’s why I started this group. I wanted a place to be me. To share this journey with others who struggle. Thank you for being here; not just for me but for each other. You ladies are incredible. Each of you bring something wonderful and unique to this group. 

Much love and blessings on you all,
Love, 
~B

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