Tag Archive | BPD

Exposing my Vulnerabilities 

Good evening; as the founder and creator of the group, Confession of Wonderful Women on Facebook, I’ve only disclosed is that I struggle with “mental clarity”. That doesn’t tell you much. I will now make myself extremely vulnerable like you many of you have. This is incredibly difficult for me. As its probably was for many of you. It’s also scary. I put off a somewhat Perfect perception I’ve been told. This is far from the truth. 

I was molested at age 11. It didn’t go on for very long but enough to leave permanent scars. I started becoming promiscuous in my latter teen years. I had 2 unplanned pregnancies at age 21 and 23. Best thing possible as it settle me down but only a little. I had ZERO interest in being a mom. A host of problems followed. 

I had an affair with a married man his name was Craig. He left his wife, I left the kids dad. We were together 6 years, married for two. He committed suicide  Aug of 2007. Worst day of my life thus far. 

My husband now, Gary and I, actually dated when Craig decided to go make it work with his then wife. As soon as he decided he missed me to much and left again I was gone. He was my addiction. Literally. I miss the fun times. I do not miss the alcoholic, mental abuse. I developed an eating disorder because I was never good enough. 

I reconnected with Gary when I was separated from Craig. I had no intention of getting divorced as I was so in love I believed he’d get better. He didn’t.

I remarried 10 months after he passed away. I think it was God’s way of keeping me from self destruction. I have sabotaged this marriage in every way. Convinced Gary would leave me just like Craig did. Maybe not in the same way; but convinced he would. In my hindsight I can’t understand why he’s stayed. I’ve been down right nasty, venomous with my tongue. Lashing out at him and taking out on him all the hurt Craig left behind. It hasn’t been easy for him to stay; but he continues to say that he sees my potential. It baffles me. 

In 2008 I was dismissed with bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, depression, PTSD, and onset of bipolar depression. I told Gary we could call off the wedding; it was 6 weeks away but he refused. I’m not sure why. I denied the acceptance of these diagnoses and used marijuana to ease my troubled mind. It worked, but I quit using it for its purpose and started using it recreationally. I found that’s while it calmed my angry storms I no longer used it to calm me. I WANTED to sit in my anger. I didn’t want to be snapped out of it. I was JUSTIFIED in how I felt. Because of this I started lashing out not only at Gary but now my kids. That had NEVER happened before. My kids had become my entire world after Craig died. 

I decided to get real help. I quit using marijuana Jan 28th, 2015. I switched psychiatrists; she that took an entire hour to listen to me. She validated me and empathized with me. I NEEDED this to want to get better. I developed a trust in her that I didn’t have with my previous psychiatrist. She put me on medication. We’ve had to tweak it. I’ve still had meltdowns BUT they’re less frequent. My venomous tongue is controlled 99% of the time. I’m still edgy at times. However instead of taking it out on people I engulf myself into my clients (I’m a nail tech). My clients keep me sane. I don’t know where I’d be without them. Many say they don’t know what they’d do without me. That’s so weird for me to hear. I don’t fell worthy of that statement. 

This is a fraction of me. It’s why I started this group. I wanted a place to be me. To share this journey with others who struggle. Thank you for being here; not just for me but for each other. You ladies are incredible. Each of you bring something wonderful and unique to this group. 

Much love and blessings on you all,
Love, 
~B

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Feeling helpless 

Heres the deal….tonight I feel helpless. After already telling my husband I was HANGRY literally the moment I walked in the door…..he proceeds to tell me about a conversation that I had with him yesterday that made him feel bad. It was not my intention to make him feel bad, it wasn’t my intention to make him miss his mom more. If anything I would’ve thought he would’ve gotten out of the conversation that I indeed understand that the woman in most families are generally the “rock” do to speak. He said I was repeating things he already knew. I, on the other hand was merely describing how overwhelmed I feel by all the hats that I am required to wear to keep this family together. To top it off not only do I have to keep the family together and actually TRY, like PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY TRY. I have depression, I have BPD, and I get the pleasure of dealing with its sister with bipolar II. And that in and of itself is not a pity party it is fact. I take two doses of medication that are supposed to help and tonight they do not feel like they’re helping at all. I seriously feel like I could pull my hair out. And truly I haven’t even had that bad of a day, it’s just that when you deal with mental illness everything is heightened by a million. I have gotten him article after article to read about this.

He should know by now that when I say I’m PMSing that is never a good time to bring up something that’s upset him. 

I have no idea how this is escalated out-of-control, but I do know for certain his feelings are not my fault. I’m so sick of everything turning into a damn pity party. 

It’s extremely clear that I don’t feel good, mentally, I was extremely hungry, I had this stupid thing I have to watch online for my kids for the school, I’m stressed out about 1 million different things but all he can think about is himself. 

OVER IT……

Mental Health and Meds 

I just got my blood levels back from my doctor and they are extremely low as far as the medication in my blood system. she is upping my dosage by another hundred milligrams. The Anxiety, depression, and paranoia are becoming overbearing. Hopefully this helps a great deal….

I encourage anyone who is on medication to ask the doctors about getting a blood level done for the medication they’re on. It’s Just a simple blood test can be done for pretty much any medication that you use for mental health. Most medications have a range, if you’re on the low end of that range it means that they can up your medication safely. I also encourage you to only go to a psychiatrist not a family practitioner. Family practitioners are not solely schooled in the area of mental health. They are schooled in the area of general medicine.

Radical Acceptance…..

So, for those of you that may not be aware…I just started participating in a year-long therapy journey called DBT. It stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. In one word? AMAZING! But at the same time….extremely difficult. This is my second week participating in the group portion of the therapy which I thought I would hate but I totally LOVE! Tonight we talked about RADICAL ACCEPTANCE……take that in for a minute….Radical Acceptance…..

Accepting any situation that you don’t WANT to accept is going to difficult right? Losing a loved one, discovering you have cancer, finding out your spouse has been having an affair, finding out your child is being bullied at school, just the tough stuff that is thrown at us on a daily basis. Even the smaller things like the dishwasher breaking, our child getting sick etc. BUT….to RADICALLY ACCEPT these situations and commit to not focusing on the bad, but accepting that the situation purely “is what it is.” That is HARD!!!!

Tonight we did this activity where we had to write down 5 or 6 adjectives that we felt described us. Then we had to write down the opposite of those adjectives. Our group leader then told us to digest that in fact BOTH lists were true of ourselves. I looked at my lists and at first I was really sad, then I was kind of irritated because I didn’t want the opposites (the negatives) to be true. However, no one is perfect. My list made me a human being and I’m working on improving the negative stuff.

With radical acceptance I can take my problem, and start to solve it, by changing how I feel about it. I can choose to accept it and work on it, or I can stay miserable. Suffering is less intense with acceptance. Let that sink in for a minute. ”

I’ll leave you with this…..but I will write more soon. In the meantime….Is there a situation in your life you can work on radically accepting?

Love,

B~

acceptance-image

BPD and DBT…

I learned a few coping skills at my first appointment on Thursday. I can tell you that I did NOT tap into those skills today AT ALL! I should have, but I was so blinded by anger and hurt that my head was spinning like something you would see in a Poltergeist movie! The fury that arose from being so blinded by fear and injustice was overwhelming; especially for someone with BPD. I will admit that while I had every right to FEEL the way I did, that my REACTION should have been different; instead of screaming and blowing up on my family member, I should have taken a break, grouped my thoughts together, and taken a more productive approach. But I didn’t. I blew a gasket. You know who this really hurts? Just me. My shoulders are tight, anxiety is high, I’m embarrassed and feel icky inside. I’m so tired of feeling like this and it’s just fueling me to turn my “Sadness into gladness” as my dear friend Lori put it today.

The world is sometimes a really scary feeling place and that is really hard for someone like me to admit. On the outside, I’m most of the time, sweet, bubbly, talkative, and friendly. Please hear me when I tell you this….I am not fake….I really, truly am all of those things. However, sometimes I have to force those behaviors in order to hide other behaviors such as fear, anxiety, depression etc.

I didn’t mention this in my last post because my head was a mess and I was just writing because I find writing soothing. On Thursday, my therapist asked me a TON of yes/no questions. Turns out, (so she says) that I have PTSD, and major depressive disorder. Now the PTSD I could not have predicted, but MDD? I rarely feel the need to stay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. However, that is not what MDD really means. MDD is as follows:

 

• Depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than two weeks.
• Mood represents a change from the person’s baseline.
• Impaired function: social, occupational, educational.
• Specific symptoms, at least 5 of these 9, present nearly every day:
1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report
(e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).
2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day
3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite
4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia
5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation
6. Fatigue or loss of energy
7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness
9. Suicidality: Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan

 

I would like to be clear to my friends and family who follow me here. I DO NOT struggle with self harm or suicidal thoughts and tendencies or dissociation. Thank the LORD! My therapy plan is a ONE YEAR commitment. Every Tuesday morning I will go individually, and group therapy every Wednesday evening. Group therapy sounds scary, but I’m trying to remember that everyone in this group is like me which is why we’re all there. We all have a common goal…and that is to get better.

 

One of the things I struggle with the most is commitment. I commit and then I flake. Mainly I flake out of the “what if” fear. I go into irrational thinking and talk myself right out of the thing I committed to. I am making a COMMITMENT to myself first and my family to do this. I WANT to get better! 1 year of my life and I can most likely be BPD symptom free? YES PLEASE! It’s not going to be easy but it’s going to be totally worth it.

 

If you or someone you know struggles with depression I encourage you to seek help. While I haven’t seen the effects of this work yet, I also don’t have any tools to work with quite yet. Oh, I do have one thing…..I can call my therapist 24/7 in the event that I need coping skills immediately. I exercised this phone call last night, and I should have done it today. Honestly it didn’t even cross my mind to call her today. I think it’s because this whole thing is so new to me.

Loves until next time,

~B

bpd recovery reality