Tag Archive | bipolar

Exposing my Vulnerabilities 

Good evening; as the founder and creator of the group, Confession of Wonderful Women on Facebook, I’ve only disclosed is that I struggle with “mental clarity”. That doesn’t tell you much. I will now make myself extremely vulnerable like you many of you have. This is incredibly difficult for me. As its probably was for many of you. It’s also scary. I put off a somewhat Perfect perception I’ve been told. This is far from the truth. 

I was molested at age 11. It didn’t go on for very long but enough to leave permanent scars. I started becoming promiscuous in my latter teen years. I had 2 unplanned pregnancies at age 21 and 23. Best thing possible as it settle me down but only a little. I had ZERO interest in being a mom. A host of problems followed. 

I had an affair with a married man his name was Craig. He left his wife, I left the kids dad. We were together 6 years, married for two. He committed suicide  Aug of 2007. Worst day of my life thus far. 

My husband now, Gary and I, actually dated when Craig decided to go make it work with his then wife. As soon as he decided he missed me to much and left again I was gone. He was my addiction. Literally. I miss the fun times. I do not miss the alcoholic, mental abuse. I developed an eating disorder because I was never good enough. 

I reconnected with Gary when I was separated from Craig. I had no intention of getting divorced as I was so in love I believed he’d get better. He didn’t.

I remarried 10 months after he passed away. I think it was God’s way of keeping me from self destruction. I have sabotaged this marriage in every way. Convinced Gary would leave me just like Craig did. Maybe not in the same way; but convinced he would. In my hindsight I can’t understand why he’s stayed. I’ve been down right nasty, venomous with my tongue. Lashing out at him and taking out on him all the hurt Craig left behind. It hasn’t been easy for him to stay; but he continues to say that he sees my potential. It baffles me. 

In 2008 I was dismissed with bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, depression, PTSD, and onset of bipolar depression. I told Gary we could call off the wedding; it was 6 weeks away but he refused. I’m not sure why. I denied the acceptance of these diagnoses and used marijuana to ease my troubled mind. It worked, but I quit using it for its purpose and started using it recreationally. I found that’s while it calmed my angry storms I no longer used it to calm me. I WANTED to sit in my anger. I didn’t want to be snapped out of it. I was JUSTIFIED in how I felt. Because of this I started lashing out not only at Gary but now my kids. That had NEVER happened before. My kids had become my entire world after Craig died. 

I decided to get real help. I quit using marijuana Jan 28th, 2015. I switched psychiatrists; she that took an entire hour to listen to me. She validated me and empathized with me. I NEEDED this to want to get better. I developed a trust in her that I didn’t have with my previous psychiatrist. She put me on medication. We’ve had to tweak it. I’ve still had meltdowns BUT they’re less frequent. My venomous tongue is controlled 99% of the time. I’m still edgy at times. However instead of taking it out on people I engulf myself into my clients (I’m a nail tech). My clients keep me sane. I don’t know where I’d be without them. Many say they don’t know what they’d do without me. That’s so weird for me to hear. I don’t fell worthy of that statement. 

This is a fraction of me. It’s why I started this group. I wanted a place to be me. To share this journey with others who struggle. Thank you for being here; not just for me but for each other. You ladies are incredible. Each of you bring something wonderful and unique to this group. 

Much love and blessings on you all,
Love, 
~B

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Feeling helpless 

Heres the deal….tonight I feel helpless. After already telling my husband I was HANGRY literally the moment I walked in the door…..he proceeds to tell me about a conversation that I had with him yesterday that made him feel bad. It was not my intention to make him feel bad, it wasn’t my intention to make him miss his mom more. If anything I would’ve thought he would’ve gotten out of the conversation that I indeed understand that the woman in most families are generally the “rock” do to speak. He said I was repeating things he already knew. I, on the other hand was merely describing how overwhelmed I feel by all the hats that I am required to wear to keep this family together. To top it off not only do I have to keep the family together and actually TRY, like PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY TRY. I have depression, I have BPD, and I get the pleasure of dealing with its sister with bipolar II. And that in and of itself is not a pity party it is fact. I take two doses of medication that are supposed to help and tonight they do not feel like they’re helping at all. I seriously feel like I could pull my hair out. And truly I haven’t even had that bad of a day, it’s just that when you deal with mental illness everything is heightened by a million. I have gotten him article after article to read about this.

He should know by now that when I say I’m PMSing that is never a good time to bring up something that’s upset him. 

I have no idea how this is escalated out-of-control, but I do know for certain his feelings are not my fault. I’m so sick of everything turning into a damn pity party. 

It’s extremely clear that I don’t feel good, mentally, I was extremely hungry, I had this stupid thing I have to watch online for my kids for the school, I’m stressed out about 1 million different things but all he can think about is himself. 

OVER IT……

Mental Health and Meds 

I just got my blood levels back from my doctor and they are extremely low as far as the medication in my blood system. she is upping my dosage by another hundred milligrams. The Anxiety, depression, and paranoia are becoming overbearing. Hopefully this helps a great deal….

I encourage anyone who is on medication to ask the doctors about getting a blood level done for the medication they’re on. It’s Just a simple blood test can be done for pretty much any medication that you use for mental health. Most medications have a range, if you’re on the low end of that range it means that they can up your medication safely. I also encourage you to only go to a psychiatrist not a family practitioner. Family practitioners are not solely schooled in the area of mental health. They are schooled in the area of general medicine.