Tag Archive | depression

Feeling helpless 

Heres the deal….tonight I feel helpless. After already telling my husband I was HANGRY literally the moment I walked in the door…..he proceeds to tell me about a conversation that I had with him yesterday that made him feel bad. It was not my intention to make him feel bad, it wasn’t my intention to make him miss his mom more. If anything I would’ve thought he would’ve gotten out of the conversation that I indeed understand that the woman in most families are generally the “rock” do to speak. He said I was repeating things he already knew. I, on the other hand was merely describing how overwhelmed I feel by all the hats that I am required to wear to keep this family together. To top it off not only do I have to keep the family together and actually TRY, like PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY TRY. I have depression, I have BPD, and I get the pleasure of dealing with its sister with bipolar II. And that in and of itself is not a pity party it is fact. I take two doses of medication that are supposed to help and tonight they do not feel like they’re helping at all. I seriously feel like I could pull my hair out. And truly I haven’t even had that bad of a day, it’s just that when you deal with mental illness everything is heightened by a million. I have gotten him article after article to read about this.

He should know by now that when I say I’m PMSing that is never a good time to bring up something that’s upset him. 

I have no idea how this is escalated out-of-control, but I do know for certain his feelings are not my fault. I’m so sick of everything turning into a damn pity party. 

It’s extremely clear that I don’t feel good, mentally, I was extremely hungry, I had this stupid thing I have to watch online for my kids for the school, I’m stressed out about 1 million different things but all he can think about is himself. 

OVER IT……

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I’m sorry to say Bridget…..your Fired….

I Woke up to a really weird message on fb. Took care of it.I was fired by a client in a strange series of weird and unfortunate events. I’ve been fired and I’ve fired clients. The difference? I’ve talked with my clients before shafting them. It generally works itself out. Others, on the other hand, would prefer just to bottle things up, leave and make it look like we’re all winning. 

Everything is how it should be. I’m learning very quickly that people come in and out of our lives. I’m learning that people’s opinions just can’t matter to me or it’ll just drive me bonkers. I’ll never be good enough for everyone. My work won’t always please everyone. Where one person leaves it allows another to walk in that I may have not ever met otherwise. I’m thankful for the things I learn from each person that comes through my doors. When ladies choose to leave or find someone else it’s not always a direct reflection of me. I have to remember this especially if nothing was said to me prior. 

On the plus side I did get up and exercise with the encouragement of my friend. I also went to coffee with a longtime friend. 
Depression comes in many forms. After coffee, I picked up my daughter, we watched Keeping up with the Kardashians. Then, I slept most of the afternoon. I’m hoping my doctor can help me this week.

Got Mental Meds? 

I just got my blood levels back from my doctor and they are extremely low as far as the medication in my blood system. she is upping my dosage by another hundred milligrams. The Anxiety, depression, and paranoia are becoming overbearing. Hopefully this helps a great deal….

I encourage anyone who is on medication to ask the doctors about getting a blood level done for the medication they’re on. It’s Just a simple blood test can be done for pretty much any medication that you use for mental health. Most medications have a range, if you’re on the low end of that range it means that they can up your medication safely. I also encourage you to only go to a psychiatrist not a family practitioner. Family practitioners are not solely schooled in the area of mental health. They are schooled in the area of general medicine.

~B

Depression and the Holidays……This Shit is REAL……

Depression is a debilitating illness. One that strikes everyone at some point in there lives. Clinical depression is where depression cycles continually affecting a persons life. Then there’s circumstantial depression. The depression that comes on merely by circumstances. I call it circumstantial depression. I don’t know if that’s a real term but I’m using it. And if it’s not a term and it becomes one….I’m OWNING that! I’m totally getting recognized for making up some amazing psychological term! Ok, back to my point, Lets face it, the holidays are hard for most people. The more the years go on the more pressure there is to buy your kids the latest this or that. Who can make their house sing? Who can build the best ANYTHING…..I feel like humanity is in this competition and I’m melting under the pressure. 
 Here’s my issue…..(please feel free to share yours when I’m done), The pressure of extended family….for some people this isn’t an issue at all. Some people LOVE and look forward to everyone coming over. As I talk to more people I’m realizing that I’m not alone. So many people feel the obligation to have the holidays with people they only see or talk to once or twice a year. Personally, I’m over it. I’m really close to just canceling Thanksgiving altogether this year. No one in my family gets along…they just “pretend” to like each other so we can bullshit our way through the one day that makes us feel like a family all the while knowing that most of us are silently judging each other. Sad huh? I used to LOVE the holidays. I remember when we’d have Christmas and Thanksgiving and it was fun. Then it stopped. People started fighting, drudging up shit from the past….I CAN’T HANDLE IT ANYMORE!

You know what I would do if it were up to me? I’d find my friends who don’t have plans for Thanksgiving and invite them over! This would be FUN! Like SOOOOO fun! (And drink wine, sing and dance to Taylor Swift….ok maybe Tay-Tay is taking it a bit far; well for some people. But this is my daydream do I can pretty much do whatever I want). 

 One of the most memorable Thanksgivings I ever had was just after my first husband passed away. I spent it with some friends who had some of our other friends over as well. It was a BLAST! No awkward conversation, no pretending that you like each other. It was by far the most genuine Thanksgiving I remember thus far. I asked my husband if we could do that this year and he looks at me like I was crazy. I don’t think it’s crazy. I think it’s about choosing who you want to spend your valuable time with. And for me….that my circumstantial depression. Please tell me I’m not alone.  
Ps….I just started running. I’m hoping that helps.

~B
  

Waiting for the Paint to Dry….

I’m remodeling my shop and I’m waiting for the paint to dry. So I thought I would take the opportunity to write this piece. It’s been a subject I’ve wanted to tackle for quite sometime.

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down to write a real piece. I thought I would take criticism pretty good, but I don’t. Here’s the deal….if you don’t like my blog then it’s simple….JUST DONT READ IT….unsubscribe….please! With that being said….here we go!…

For many months I have felt like I have been just “going through the motions” at work and at home. Get what I need to do done, don’t invest much….and move on to the next daunting thing on my list. I’ve been plagued with depression my whole life which sucks. I really don’t have anything to be depressed about. Unfortunately for some people it is completely out of their control and they just feel how they feel. For me it goes much deeper than depression. In May, of this year, I was told that it was becoming clear that I did indeed have something more serious than depression….and this is the first time I have been brave enough to speak of it publicly. I was told that I “suffer” from Borderline Personality Disorder.  So there it is…..I can’t believe I said it. I am a little scared, but there it is.

I’ve “suffered in silence” (except for a few close friends and my husband), so to speak, since May. There is no medication that magically makes the symptoms of BPD magically disappear. NONE…..so hears a funny story (kinda) about the day I was hit with this diagnosis. I walked into my psychiatrists office, ready to tackle all of life’s problems, being completely 100% open with him for really the first time EVER in 10 years. He told me there was no medication to fix BPD….not.even.one. My soul was literally crushed into a million pieces. Here I had been working on my hormone problems and got all that fixed. So when I realized some of my other problems weren’t disappearing now that my hormones were fixed I was LIGIT ready to pop some pills. Because seriously…who likes to feel crazy? Anyone? A show of hands would be great! No one? Just me? GREEEAAAT……lol. There is nothing more debilitating than feeling like you are one ticking time bomb away from a nervous breakdown ESPECIALLY when every other aspect of your life is pretty fantastic. So what did I do? What any other NORMAL CRAZY person would do…..I wallowed. I have wallowed in MISERY for MONTHS. I just can’t do it anymore. I have to take control of my life back. There is some light for people with BPD; it’s called DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Here is a quick breakdown of what it is:

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a well researched and comprehensive treatment approach designed to help people who have difficulty in regulating their emotions. This often results in a high degree of impulsive reactivity, self-destructive behaviors, and volatile relationships with others in their lives. DBT works by teaching participants to become more aware of their particular sensitivity to negative emotions such as anger and shame. At the same time, it provides the skills necessary to tolerate these feelings and then begin to regulate them. DBT also teaches assertiveness skills to enable participants to effectively begin asking for what they want from others and saying no to things they don’t want.

Who can benefit from DBT?

Studies have shown that DBT reduces:

  • Suicidal behaviors
  • Intentional self-injury
  • Depression
  • Hopelessness
  • Anger
  • Eating Disorders
  • Substance Dependence
  • Impulsiveness

And Increases:

  • Adjustment in general and especially improved social functioning
  • Positive self-esteem

Fortunately I don’t really think aboout suicide nor do I inflict self-harm, BUT I do have a lot of the other signs. I called up my local DBT center and talked with the director. I wish I had not indeed wallowed in self pity for so many months and had just picked up the phone and called. But I didn’t, and the past is the past so I am now moving forward. I feel like I have some hope. The director made me feel so HOPEFUL! She told me there are people who have put their BPD into complete REMISSION!!!! YOU CAN DO THAT?? She went on to tell me that people who really put in the hard work (it’s a 24 week commitment minimum) can actually be completely 100% free of any BPD symptoms! I thought I was going to cry right then and there; I never dreamed in a million years that I could be freed from depression, anxiety, and oh the biggest one….the anger. Anger is one of the most debilitating feelings in the world because I don’t even know WHY I’ angry most of the time. When I told the director that I ran my own business and that I’m busy and successful she was very surprised. I can tend to keep it pretty together for 7 hours a day. I get my own therapy in talking to my clients and bouncing my stuff off of them.

I feel like I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel because tunnels without a light are dark, and scary.

Don’t be afraid to get help if you feel lost. Don’t wait months and months like I did. Help is out there. There is no shame in depression. It’s not your fault, you didn’t ask for it and there is help.

I have included a link to my local DBT center. It also gives a list of other DBT therapy places all over the United States.

http://www.dbtcenterso.com/index.html

I’ve had a lot on my mind these last few months as you can see. I’m super excited to say that my business of doing nails is absolutely ROCKING! I have some of the BEST clients EVER! So much has happened this year and I only had a few clients disappear. Was it due to the fluctuation of my mood because I had a lot going on in my life? I think so. But that’s ok. I’m learning fast that every single person comes into our lives for a reason; they also leave for a reason.

I plan to update this blog a lot more. I am hoping to empower more people to take control of their lives! I am looking for encouragement and would love to hear what you have to say.

Lots of love,

~B

Depression Can Hurt….

I have been ashamed of my depression pretty much my entire life. Why? Because in essence I was always made to believe that it makes me weak. Basically if I really believed that it was all in my head that eventually it would go away. I also believe my depression is for the most part circumstantial. Yes, every month I go through about 10 days where I feel emotionally crazy. But I think MOST woman feel like this! We are not crazy. We are overwhelmed. Depression is hard and can be shameful to the person experiencing it. So don’t judge. Just love!

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