I’m a HUGE Taylor Swift fan, like I swear half the time she writes her songs with my personal life in mind. Yes, I know half of America who love her feel the same way.

Right now I’m in escape mode and I’m using her new album 1989 to do so. I feel stretched in like 500 million different directions and none of them are good enough for anyone (or so it feels). My children and 13 and 15 and other than their infant stage this is the most needy they’ve ever really been, yet trying to spread their wings. Lots of questions on my part like, “where are you going, what are you doing, who are you with…etc. Not just with MY kids but several of my daughters friends as well because that’s what being a good mom does…..she nests ALL the little chicks in her nest! I just feel a duty to these kids to keep them on the straight and narrow (trying at least)!

I have a dream about my business that I am trying to look at making a reality, but since no one has ever done it, it looks like I would be developing a brand new idea in the realm of psychology which is exciting yet terrifying since apparently I’m not giving enough attention to the areas that are important. I THINK about what it would be like to not be married anymore….what would that look like for me? What would that look like for my children? Would we be happier? Would there be no more tension? No more eggshell walking? I’m not easy to live with, I’m sure I could be worse but I am sometimes LITERALLY “A nightmare dressed like a daydream.” I’m pretty on the outside but fiercely vicious on the inside. I’m currently working on this in therapy. Anger is powerful……so is love…..so is narcissism….it all feel goods because it’s safe, if makes you feel in control…..theres something to be said for my favorite lyrics:

“Screaming, crying, perfect storms
I can make all the tables turn
Rose garden filled with thorns
Keep you second guessing like
“Oh my God, who is she?”                                                                                                                                                                                   But you’ll come back each time you leave                                                                                                                                               ‘Cause, darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream”

Here’s the deal…..I’m EXTREMELLY black and white. I WANT to work on myself. Make myself a better person I feel like the only way to get this accomplished is to take a hiatus after my kids graduate high school. BUT…..there is a constant risk…..what if this…..what if that? Like these lyrics…..that speak so true….

“We’re all bored, we’re all so tired of everything
We wait for trains that just aren’t coming
We show off our different scarlet letters
Trust me, mine is better

We’re so young but we’re on the road to ruin
We play dumb but we know exactly what we’re doing
We cry tears of mascara in the bathroom
Honey, life is just a classroom

‘Cause, baby, I could build a castle
Out of all the bricks they threw at me
And every day is like a battle
But every night with us is like a dream”
We need love, but all we want is danger
We team up then switch sides like a record changer
The rumors are terrible and cruel
But, honey, most of them are true….

~B

‘Cause, darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream’

This is EXACLY how it felt to be with my first husband (The one who committed suicide)….

Flashing lights and we

Took a wrong turn and we

Fell down a rabbit hole.

You held on tight to me
‘Cause nothing’s as it seems
I’m spinning out of control.

Didn’t they tell us don’t rush into things?
Didn’t you flash your green eyes at me?
Haven’t you heard what becomes of curious minds?

So we went on our way
Too in love to think straight
All alone or so it seemed.

But there were strangers watching
And whispers turned to talking
And talking turned to screams.

Didn’t they tell us don’t rush into things?
Didn’t you flash your green eyes at me?
Didn’t you calm my fears with the Cheshire cat smile?

Didn’t it all seem new and exciting?
I felt your arms twisting ’round me
It’s all fun and games ’til somebody loses their mind.

But darling, we found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And we pretended it could last forever

We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And life was never worse but never better

I reached for you but you were gone
I knew I had to go back home
You search the world for something else to make you feel like what we had
And in the end in wonderland we both went mad……

Lyrics~ Taylor Swift

Love,

~B