My life today, on all accounts, as of right now, is really wonderful. I have a very loving, hard-working, amazing, and supportive husband. I’ve never met anyone in my life who works harder than that man does. My husband provides me with the opportunity to work part time. I know that he knows that I only work part time. It’s not a secret when you’re only working 12 to 5.
Part of me wonders if my husband even knows this. Does Gary know that because of him I get to live such a beautiful, simple life? It’s not extravagant, but it’s comfortable, tranquil. I love
my life. Because of my husband, I am able to give myself more self-care. This is a luxury not very many people are afforded.What do I do with my time otherwise? I do various things. I play with my bird a lot. Oliver keeps me very entertained. I’m going to start going through things in my house that I just don’t need anymore. Do the happiness cleanse so to speak.  apparently you ask something if it brings you joy and if it doesn’t then you get rid of it. I think it’s brilliant! 
Self-care is going to be the focus of 2020. In more ways than one. Mainly mentally. But I would like to start incorporating some healthier eating and healthier thinking habits. However if I still wanna piece of cheesecake I’m going to eat that damn piece of cheesecake. Because seriously, it’s cheesecake.
I’d like to get one small task done a weekend that I don’t want to do. So, at the end of the day, taking care of something that you don’t want to take care of lifts a feeling of burden and that ends up being self care. For me at least.
I’m not gonna lie. I really do hope 2020 is kinder than 2019. I PRAY it. I came out stronger at the end of 2019. I have done battle scars. I know many other people who have battle scars from 2019 as well. I really, really PRAY that 2020 is kinder to all of us.
I guess now is the time to go do a little closet organizing! 

Tag Archive | blogging
Go Love Yourself
This morning one of my friends told me I inspired her. I think those were the words she used. My jaw about dropped to the floor since I don’t look at myself as inspiring in any way. However, as I sit here and write this, I think “why can’t I be inspiring?” I have confessed my mental illness, I most definitely have an eating disorder from years of being told I needed to lose weight. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind for pretty much the last 15 years. I want to be healthy, but it’s certainly not healthy to obsess either. INSTEAD, I am going to work on loving myself right now and taking off the conditions I have put on myself. Like “I’ll love myself more when I lose 10 pounds.” As I write this I realize how RIDICULOUS that even sounds. We want other people to love us unconditionally, but many of us, including myself, aren’t willing to love ourselves unconditionally.
Today is a pretty good day for me mentally. I have woken up all week with 10+ hours of sleep and feeling guilty for not going to the gym. You know what? FUCK IT…..I’m OK!!! The gym does not validate me. GOD validates me. If you don’t believe in God then find something higher than yourself, but also including yourself, and put your value in that. It’s 11:55am and I’m still in my bathrobe, drinking my coffee. I need to go put dinner in the crock pot and get ready to start my day. I work in 30 minutes and I could be telling myself what a loser I am for having done nothing of real importance yet this morning but you know what? Someone told me I inspire them, and that inspired me to write this blog. If it wasn’t for my friend Dawn’s small amount of validation this morning I never would have taken a few minutes to sit down and write this blog. I LOVE to blog. It’s my favorite hobby. I get to sit here and put my thoughts out into the world and hope that someone reads them. Maybe my words will resognate with soemone else. I also get to sit here and watch my cat be a spaz.
Go out and be a FUCKING dragon or a unicorn! Just don’t be an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be intimidated to love yourself. I’m still working on it.
Love,
~B
Blogging…
I was thinking about a girl I know at my gym. She’s so Encouraging and sweet. She came up to me one day last week and told me that she can relate to what I write and that she feels better reading my posts. (OK maybe not those exact words but close). I figure that even if this page/blog only touches ONE person…it’s worth it. To hear that you’ve made a difference is humbling because I don’t look at myself that way. I’m just a girl, with a lot of baggage, STILL figure out where I fit in. I’m in my late 30’s and STILL trying to figure this out. If that means fitting into someone’s life online so they feel better, I guess at the end of the day I accomplished something. ❤️
Giant Boobs….EVERYWHERE!
So I totally have permission to tell this story and I find it absolutely hilarious! I am a nail tech if you haven’t caught onto that already. I could not stop laughing because I work in a 12 x 12 shop all alone so these things just never cease to amaze me! I was sitting in my chair doing this clients nails. And we’re talking about boobs. We were talking about how she does not have the crease that most bras create because her boobs are so ginormous!
Looking down at my own boobs I thought I really don’t have a crease either, although I’m a double D but not a huge double D. My poor friend sitting in the chair really doesn’t have any boobs at all so she just wishes that she had something. As we’re sitting there talking my client literally lifts up her shirt to show us that she has zero crease in her bra!!! But what I did notice is that her bra and was extremely pretty and her boobs were enormous! What TOPS it all off, is that she not only pulls up her shirt, but she pulls up her entire bra and LAYS her boobs ON my table and proceeds to inform me that they are indeed 12 pounds each!
So, I casually ask as I am dying laughing, “how do you know they are 12 pounds each?” Her response was absolutely priceless! She responds, “I weighed them on my pot scale, of course!” At this point I absolutely think I am going to Piss my pants from laughing so hard and now I am running like 15 minutes behind because I am distracted by Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” playing in the background and these giant boobs laying on my desk!
You do see how incredibly hard it would be here to work on somebody’s hands when they’re huge size F boobs are in your face RIGHT?! It was like a train wreck…. you just can’t look away! And here’s the deal, there are real. If they were fake I would totally be feeling those up, but they’re not, there real so I really didn’t have any interest except in her putting them away so I could finish her nails and I am laughing just writing this! My friend who is visiting me is dying just witnessing this Mayham! I get her to put away her boobs, I finished her nails, and by far that is one of the funniest stories I have being a nail tech!
~B
“Life Hacks” Mom-Style….
You’re welcome! No one ever shared this information with me, so simple yet…..
I, for the first time, was teaching my daughter how to separate her darks from her lights when doing laundry. She tends to build up a lot of laundry since she is a 13-year-old girl! When she realized that I was going to sit next to the washing machine, and help her differentiate what was light and what was dark, she informed me that she knew how to do her own laundry. I told her she had enough laundry that she was going to have to do two loads anyway so she needed to learn how to separate her lights from her darks. She reluctantly let me help her, asking periodically if something was light or dark.
When we finished, I told her that it wasn’t that I was trying to tell her what to do….it was just that I was trying to help her realize that clothes are getting more expensive, they aren’t made as well as they used to be, and if you can save something from being ruined because you worked hard to buy it then you should. I think she realized I just wanted to help her and she thanked me.
I told her to look at it this way, look at it as though I’m giving her “Life Hacks”. Not really trying to tell you what to do, just trying to make your life a little easier in the long run for when you get older and move out. “Life Hacks, not “my way or the highway!” Well at least until curfew is an issue anyway….. But that’s another story for when she’s a little older.
Every….Single…Day…For the Last 7 years….
“This Love”
~lyrics by Taylor Swift
Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in
And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will
Skies grew darker, currents swept you out again
And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone
Skies grew darker, currents swept you out again
And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone
In silent screams,
in wildest dreams
I never dreamed of this
This love is good, this love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me
Tossing, turning, struggled through the night with someone new
And I could go on and on, on and on
Lantern burning, flickered in my mind for only you
But you’re still gone, gone, gone
Been losing grip,
oh, sinking ships
You showed up just in time
This love is good, this love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me
This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me
Your kiss, my cheek, I watched you leave
Your smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees
When you’re young you just run
But you come back to what you need
This love is good, this love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me
This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me
Love,
~B
I Just Want These Feelings Back Someday….
“Everything Has Changed”
(duet with Ed Sheeran)
[Taylor Swift]
All I knew this morning when I woke
Is I know something now, know something now I didn’t before.
And all I’ve seen since eighteen hours ago
Is green eyes and freckles and your smile
In the back of my mind making me feel like
All I knew this morning when I woke
Is I know something now, know something now I didn’t before.
And all I’ve seen since eighteen hours ago
Is green eyes and freckles and your smile
In the back of my mind making me feel like
[Taylor Swift]
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
[Both]
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you, know you, know you
[Both]
‘Cause all I know is we said, “Hello.”
And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed
All I know is you held the door
You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed
[Ed Sheeran]
And all my walls stood tall painted blue
And I’ll take them down, take them down and open up the door for you
[Taylor Swift (Album version) / Ed Sheeran (Remix version):]
And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies
The beautiful kind, making up for lost time,
[Album version:] Taking flight, making me feel right
[Remix version:] Taking flight, making me feel right like
[Both]
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you, know you, know you
[Both]
‘Cause all I know is we said, “Hello.”
And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed
All I know is you held the door
And you’ll be mine and I’ll be yours
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed
[Bridge]
Come back and tell me why
I’m feeling like I’ve missed you all this time, oh, oh, oh.
And meet me there tonight
And let me know that it’s not all in my mind.
[Taylor Swift]
I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you, know you, know you
[Both]
All I know is we said, “Hello.”
And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed
All I know is you held the door
You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed
[Taylor Swift]
All I know is we said, “Hello.”
So dust off your highest hopes
All I know is pouring rain and everything has changed
All I know is a new found grace
All my days I’ll know your face
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed
Love,
~B
Week 1 of DBT.
Today I went and did my first appointment for dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). Today was the intake process, and very overwhelming. My therapist name is Candace. Every time I told her a concern I was afraid of, and wanted to work on, she assured me that everybody with borderline personality disorder completely feels the same way and it can be dealt with. I told her that I was very judgmental, and she said that’s one of the most common traits. (Please don’t let that scare you!) ☺️
She gave me some homework, and tonight I looked it over. I started to cry, because I’m realizing that my entire way of thinking and behaving is going to be completely overhauled. While I thought this was a 24 week commitment, she told me today that I need to commit to a minimum of one year. That is a long time! However, in all reality, isn’t it a short amount of time compared to the rest of my life? If I could devote 1 to 3 years of DBT, and be free of all of the negative responses that go on in my life, wouldn’t that be worth it? The answer is yes!
This is a very short brief of the 2 hours I spent In there. But I’m very tired and want to go to bed. I figured something was better than nothing. 👍☺️
I will continue to update you on my journey!
~B
Negativity…
This whole blog thing was so
That I could write without judgment. I shouldn’t care what people think about what I write but it’s been brought to my attention by a couple people in my world. It makes me want to delete this and start a new one that no one knows me on. Is this blog really making people view me more negatively? I must wonder what people are t saying but thinking. But then I think, do I really care? The whole point was to NOT care. That’s turning out to be harder than I expected. Unexpected criticism is a blow…. Any thoughts on this? Please?
This and That…
I always wanted to write a book….Apparently this is extremely cliche. Apparently EVERYONE on WordPress wants to write a book. I will settle for blogging because it gets my thoughts out into the world like RIGHT NOW…Would I sell out to something that isn’t me? What is me? I am 36 almost 37 and just when I think I have “me” kinda figured out…I don’t. I feel like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde sometimes in this world. People say “Be the Change You Wish to See”, “Think positive and you will gain positivity!” Do THIS and you will gain THAT! But what is THAT exactly? My theory is that if I am supposed to do the one thing that I feel like I was born to do, and that it write, then somehow it will be. When I started blogging, just 45 short days ago, I had NO idea what kind of world blogging held. I thought I had all these amazing ideas and truly I did but, someone else has thought of so many of them as well. So I guess I will just go on, being me and hoping people like to read my work…
~B
Just me….
I really just want some peace and quiet. I LOVE my family but there was a time in which my husband worked every other weekend and on those same exact weekends I had methodically made it possible for those to be the EXACT same weekends that my children went to their dads. I’m not a very good “married” person. I tend to like my space, I don’t want to hear Ax-Men playing in the living room while I’m trying to write this post…The guy that narrarates Ax-men makes me want to poke my eye out with a VERY SHARPN stick! Since my kids are teens and they know I am super emotional tonight, they have both come down and given me kisses and hugs and have retired to their rooms for the remainder of the evening. I fee like I would love to rent a cabin on th beach all by myself and just get lost in writing. I don’t know that I am very good at writing, but I love to write nonetheless which is clearly why I started this blog.
I do wish I could generate some damn comments, I won’t lie. It would be nice to interact with other bloggers in the world. But you know what I have discovered since I have been blogging these last few weeks? I skim….I skim until something catches my eye. In my opinion I have written LOTS of good blog posts, but in all reality I am just another random girl, lying in her bed, writing about my life. And just when I thought I’ve come up with an original idea, BOOM!!!! someone or 50,000 someones have already written about the exact same thing and sometimes I swear they came into MY head and stole my BRILLIANT ideas. Like how none of this related? It’s because I am writing literally whatever comes to mind, because its MY blog and pretty much the only place in my life that I can do whatever I want….which I won’t lie…is a pretty amazing feeling.
I also didn’t take the time to edit this because I’m feeling lazy…and a little depressed.
Peace out~
~B
Cyber STD’s
I found this to be HILARIOUS!
My Pledge for Blog for Mental Health 2014
“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2014 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”
http//:http://acanvasoftheminds.com/2014/01/07/blog-for-mental-health-2014/
My Love for Photographing Nature….
Love this edited image of tree in a cemetery….
Love how the mountain reflects in the water……
Another view of Mt. Thielson….
Awesome Bridge I found hiking with my husband…
And another view of the beautiful Mt. Thielson
Friends and Blogging….
Is it just me, or does anyone out there write pieces and put them in their “drafts” for a while? Is anyone even reading this? I am a TINY ant amongst MILLIONS of bloggers out there. I had this preconceived, DELUSIONAL notion that my writings would be so riveting that people would flock to my page! Oh….how I was sadly mistaken. I get ridiculously excited when other bloggers “like” my posts, or OH MY GOD……FOLLOW ME! I’ve only been at this blogging thing for a few weeks and I have met a couple of really nice people. I want to ask them to follow me because I LOVE their writings so much! I want to be a blog people want to read. I want to be a blog people want to follow….lol. I feel like I’m back in school when we would move to a new place and I was the “new kid on the block” and I would be looking for other kids who wanted to be friends with me….I SUCKED at making friends!
I like the writing challenges I am seeing like Zero to Hero….I didn’t see this until a few days ago. Maybe I’ll catch the next go-around if there is one.
I’m new, I’m nerdy, I write a lot of inspirational stories, and a lot of very real stories. I’m getting ready to post some that are very personal to me. This is my way of “venting.” I want to make friends….hey YOU….yes YOU….reading this….”Want to be friends?”
How I feel Starting out in the blogging world….
Confessions of a Nail Tech 