My life today, on all accounts, as of right now, is really wonderful. I have a very loving, hard-working, amazing, and supportive husband. I’ve never met anyone in my life who works harder than that man does. My husband provides me with the opportunity to work part time. I know that he knows that I only work part time. It’s not a secret when you’re only working 12 to 5￼￼.
Part of me wonders if my husband even knows this. Does Gary know that because of him I get to live such a beautiful, simple life? It’s not extravagant, but it’s comfortable, tranquil. I love
my life. Because of my husband, I am able to give myself more self-care. This is a luxury not very many people are afforded.￼
What do I do with my time otherwise? I do various things. I play with my bird a lot. Oliver keeps me very entertained. I’m going to start going through things in my house that I just don’t need anymore. Do the happiness cleanse so to speak. ￼ apparently you ask something if it brings you joy and if it doesn’t then you get rid of it. I think it’s brilliant! ￼
Self-care is going to be the focus of 2020. In more ways than one. Mainly mentally. But I would like to start incorporating some healthier eating and healthier thinking habits. However if I still wanna piece of cheesecake I’m going to eat that damn piece of cheesecake. Because seriously, it’s cheesecake.
I’d like to ￼get one small task done a weekend that I don’t want to do. So, at the end of the day, taking care of something that you don’t want to take care of lifts a feeling of burden and that ends up being self care. For me at least.
I’m not gonna lie. I really do hope 2020 is kinder than 2019. I PRAY it. I came out stronger at the end of 2019. I have done battle scars. I know many other people who have battle scars from 2019 as well. ￼I really, really PRAY that 2020 is kinder to all of us.
I guess now is the time to go do a little closet organizing! ￼
This year’s word:
Hey! I’m back. For now. I’d like to commit to blogging again. Mental health has always been my passion to write about. I skip around a lot in this blog. I’m not sorry. I used to be but mot anymore. At least I’m writing again.
I was challenged by a blogger friend I know, to write about one word every day this year. I chose self-care. I’m not sure I can commit to every day. I’m going to try my best to do as much as I can. Try to stay off social media a little bit more. Try to tame the anxiety that runs through me on a daily basis.
Whooo, what a year 2019 was! I know many who would agree! It was it was a time for massive growth and personal reflection.
So, many changes have gone on for me this year. My dearest friend Becky- passed away from a stroke. 2 1/2 weeks later my grandmother passed away. These were deeply devastating events. I miss
both of them so much.
Becky went to soon. THAT was and is devastating.
Grammy was ready. I just miss her wisdom and contagious laugh. I still have voicemails and memos that I can listen to. And that means the world to me.
This year I decided to quit drinking and start therapy after I tried to commit suicide on May 15, 2019. I was in a very dark place. Not taking my medication, and not realizing it because the alcohol was masking it. Or so I thought. You would’ve thought me falling down our wooden staircase drunk, breaking my tailbone, might’ve been the final rock bottom. I guess not.
It is what it is. I’m glad I found my bottom. I’ve never valued my life more. Has it tested my strength? Absolutely. I’ve had a sip here and there. Some people consider I broke my sobriety, but what I learned is that it’s to each their own whether or not we decide that we have broken it.
Well, last night on New Year’s Eve, I broke it. And I’m not sorry. I am the curious cat. I had a drink of wine the other night dinner and about puked. Last night I wanted to try a hard cider. I drank a SMALL glass, and I feel like shit today. I had zero desire to finish it. I suppose that counts because I had a glass. I’m not gonna count months anymore. I’m just going to count my blessings. I have a massively amazing support system. I have many people who tell me that they are proud of me on a regular basis. If I didn’t have this I much support I could’ve relapsed a long time ago. But I didn’t. I’m PROUD OF ME. Even if curiosity got the best of me. I found that after 7 1/2 months of being sober that alcohol is GROSS. I’m happy to report that I have zero desire to drink. I’m lethargic today and just not feeling great. Is it from the alcohol? Who knows, but I’m not willing to do that again. It wasn’t worth it and didn’t even taste that great. I guess I just wanted to see if I could do it. And I did, without overdoing it, but I have no desire to do it again anytime soon. If ever.
This year, I am going to be very careful about the hours that I work, take regular me time, and not allow other people dictate how I should feel about any situation. The people who are in my life right now are who I need. The people who are not in my life, for whatever reason, will always be in my heart. And I believe that we’ll reconnect someday.
For now, I’m going to continue to live my life day by day, minute by minute, second by second. I’ll do what feels right, live my life to the best of my ability. I’m enjoying a quiet life now that my children are adults and have left the nest.
If you happen to know me, I went through a phase this year of getting a miniature pig for 14 hours, that story can come another time. I got a conure who ended up being the devil. So he went back. However, I did end up with the sweetest cockatiel. His name is Oliver and I am obsessed. He is the only lil chicken I’ll ever need. He should live well into his 20s. He’s literally my best friend. We take a ton of silly videos and pictures. He keeps me entertained for hours.
Oliver is part of my self-care. He relaxes me. I love watching him play and all of his different facial expressions and all of his new discoveries. It’s like watching a baby develop. I’ve had him since he was 11 weeks old.
Anyway, I think that’s all for now. I feels good to be back in writing. I hope I can keep it up. I hope that whoever reads this as a beautiful new year. Very prosperous and Gentle to all of us. I know many many people who had a tough 2019. Like 2020 be a little more gentle on us.
Much love to all of you,
This morning one of my friends told me I inspired her. I think those were the words she used. My jaw about dropped to the floor since I don’t look ay myself as inspiring in any way. However, as I sit here and write this, I think “why can’t I be inspiring?” I have confessed my mental illness, I most definitely have an eating disorder from years of being told I needed to lose weight. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind for pretty much the last 15 years. I want to be healthy, but it’s certainly not healthy to obsess either. INSTEAD, I am going to work on loving myself right now and taking off the conditions I have put on myself. Like “I’ll love myself more when I lose 10 pounds.” As I write this I realize how RIDICULOUS that even sounds. We want other people to love us unconditionally, but many of us, including myself, aren’t willing to love ourselves unconditionally.
Today is a pretty good day for me mentally. I have woken up all week with 10+ hours of sleep and feeling guilty for not going to the gym. You know what? FUCK IT…..I’m OK!!! The gym does not validate me. GOD validates me. If you don’t believe in God then find something higher than yourself, but also including yourself, and put your value in that. It’s 11:55am and I’m still in my bathrobe, drinking my coffee. I need to go put dinner in the crock pot and get ready to start my day. I work in 30 minutes and I could be telling myself what a loser I am for having done nothing of real importance yet this morning but you know what? Someone told me I inspire them, and that inspired me to write this blog. If it wasn’t for my friend Dawn’s small amount of validation this morning I never would have taken a few minutes to sit down and write this blog. I LOVE to blog. It’s my favorite hobby. I get to sit here and put my thoughts out into the world and hope that someone reads them. Maybe my words will resognate with soemone else. I also get to sit here and watch my cat be a spaz.
Go out and be a FUCKING dragon or a unicorn! Just don’t be an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be intimidated to love yourself. I’m still working on it.
Meet Florence….She has a slight partying problem. Everyday I come out to see this….I stand her back up; but every night she keeps falling over. I’ve decided that the problem is real. She’s got a drinking problem. I’ve threatened to put her in Roosters anonymous, because I LOVE Florence! A tin rooster intervention! Why does she keep falling over!? Doesn’t she love me too!!??? Ugh. The failing relationship between a human and her rooster…..
I’m a realist. Everything is what it is. We have the power to changer certain aspects of our lives. We can exercise more, eat less junk, read more books etc….you get the point. What can we not change? Our mental health. We can do things to HELP; like see a psychiatrist, counseling, take medication, meditate, or pray. I personally struggle with social anxiety. I’m super social. I love people. I love random conversations. I love when my fitness instructor pushes me in class. These are empowering. The most empowering tool I have to reduce anxiety is to write.
I take anxiety meds, medication to control my ever changing moods. But at the end of the day, blogging/writing is the therapy that gets me through. I started this blog so I wouldn’t feel alone. I know I’m not alone. It’s scary putting yourself out there for all the world to see. To be vulnerable to criticism. People might think “wow! She’s brave” and if you think that then thank you. But at then end of the day I don’t necessarily see myself as brave. I see myself as a broken individual who is happy to have friends who Accept me for who I am. People I can rely on to be my cheerleaders. I encourage you to find your own cheerleaders. Even if it’s just one or two people. Which is really all we need. We have different people for different areas of our lives. I have my cheerleaders at the gym, my cheerleaders in my personal struggles, my cheerleaders for my mental health….etc. I surround myself with all of these people because it’s what I personally need. What I need may be drastically different than what you need. It’s not wrong it’s just different. I also encourage you to be your own cheerleader!
Disclaimer: I deal with uncomfortable topics about myself with humor. I don’t know if anyone will find the humor in this…but here it goes….
I did some blood work and my body was burning through my meds pretty fast. So my doctor upped my dose of medication. Slowly obviously. I’m on an anti-psychotic. Ok, now take that in….I have to sometimes laugh at this. ANTI-PSYCHOTIC…..to quote my favorite author Jenny Lawson, “Just tell everyone in the pharmacy line that your impatiently waiting to get your anti-psychotic and watch the line part like Moses and the Red Sea!”
(Let me wipe my tears of laughter).
Quick side note; I just sneezed/laughed and half my anti-anxiety meds just came out. I think it’s justifiable to grab another. I need a good nights sleep which is where this post is going eventually…..
Ok, soooo, I’ve been taking these meds at night because their supposed to make you tired. However; I’ve been having the most VIVID weirdest dreams. I have a friend Jaimie who does nails and I dreamt that she could do an entire sea sculpture on someone’s nails! (She’s fantastic, but wow!) If she could do what I dreamt she’d be a millionaire. Or….people would have sea horses on their nails. Either way it’s a win/win. Because really, who WOULDN’T want a cute little sea horse on their nails! Maybe I should call her….
Ok, I’m getting off track. And for the record, until I started this new dose of medication, I NEVER dreamt. I see as a common theme in the dreams lately is that just before I wake up in the morning my dream usually pertains to my situation currently. Many of you know my children so I’ll protect their privacy…(that won’t last long). One day when I have a book published I promise they’ll get a cut. Actually they probably won’t, because if my son gets into a musical theatre school, and my daughter becomes a veterinarian, this book MIGHT pay for that! Except this isn’t a book. But if you want to pay to read this I can send you my address as to where you can mail a check. It’s for a good cause….children’s education!
ANYWAY….I have these dreams and their so vivid, some are disturbing and some I wake up going “huh”???? I’m still thinking I need to call Jaimie to see if she knows about this ocean sculpture nail stuff….maybe I have telepathy!?
So, here’s the real test. TONIGHT I’m not taking it. (I really need to sleep). Instead I’m going to take it in the morning. (Will I day dream?) 🤔
Side note: did you know your in REM sleep when your dreaming? I wouldn’t think so because if I can REMEMBER my dreams on a nightly basis, I’m thinking I’m not getting much quality sleep.
I’ll let you know what I find out. Oh, and I changed Siri to the make British dude today because that’s what it was in one of my dreams….that’s right folks! Following my dreams!!!
Come like a new page! Where mental illness is not a “taboo” subject….and truly, I’m looking to not feel alone in this journey. Don’t want to post because it’s public? Send me a message, we could chat anonymously and decide to post it to get feedback (anonymously)….I’m hoping to build a community…..plus we need to talk about relationships, friends, CHILDREN….I love to talk and blog. I’m a tad socially awkward but hopefully you can look beyond that…..I think I’m funny……come laugh, and maybe spend some time on a new page that’s looking for some love and acceptance. 😁🙏😏 you can’t just like this post, you have to come INTO the page and LIKE the page🙏 this is just a promotional post that reaches thousands more people than promoting the page itself. Weird, I know….come on in!
Welcome to my family thanksgiving conversations…..😂😂😂
(All I was trying to do was show the changing LED lights) lol
Random fact….”The Trunk or torso is an anatomical term for the central part of the many animal bodies (including that of the human) from which extend the neck and limbs. The trunk includes the thorax and the abdomen.”
So in my screwy way of thinking…I possess a TRUNK! Either way that’s what elephants possess. Just a different body part! SOOOOO…….elephants are BRILLIANT! Which means technically I’ve been right my whole life…I am brilliant! Now if everyone could see this that’d be great! 🙏
(Let’s face it, God HAD to give us a different kind of trunk or we’d all go around looking like we had penis’ on our faces, and THAT would be weird)!😜
I was thinking about a girl I know at my gym. She’s so Encouraging and sweet. She came up to me one day last week and told me that she can relate to what I write and that she feels better reading my posts. (OK maybe not those exact words but close). I figure that even if this page/blog only touches ONE person…it’s worth it. To hear that you’ve made a difference is humbling because I don’t look at myself that way. I’m just a girl, with a lot of baggage, STILL figure out where I fit in. I’m in my late 30’s and STILL trying to figure this out. If that means fitting into someone’s life online so they feel better, I guess at the end of the day I accomplished something. ❤️
So last night I attended my FIRST Portland Blazers game with my husband for his birthday weekend. We had a blast! We were told to put on our best “game face” and post it on Twitter with the #ripcity. So I did!!! I LOVE Twitter! Later that evening we made it on the local Portland news!!! Just wanted to share! We saw it when we stopped in a bar a little while later! We wish we could’ve heard what they were saying about us!!!
2015 did not start out the way that I thought it was going to. In fact it started out in what I thought would be the most amazing way and actually really started out in the most disastrous way. I feel hesitant to get into how much of that is the reason because so many people I know read my blog. But what I can say I’ve learned is that in 2014 and in all the years probably prior to that, I’ve just had a very negative undertone to my life. Things never really went the way that I felt like they should. I never had the job that I wanted; things never turned out in my love life the way I wanted them to. I never really wanted to be a wife or a mother and I am indeed a wife and a mother. And I wouldn’t change this for the world PLEASE let me clarify THAT. I think the children I have were brought into my life to settle me down.
However, I’ve recently learned that when you sit with your thoughts you tend to get angry about the way your life has turned out because you dwell on the “this isn’t fair, this is not the way it was supposed to turn out!” Type of thinking. When I got back from LA at the beginning of the year I still was not in a very good space, it took losing a client (even though there were faults on both sides) it took me almost getting divorced like REALLY, REALLY almost getting divorced to shock me back into reality. And when I say shock me back into reality and shake me back into what I want out of life I mean that I actively had to start seeking out what were the most positive things I had going in my life which is really hard to do when you’ve been thinking about all of the negativity in your life for so long.
It’s not an easy task to just start thinking positively overnight! I went into dialectical behavioral therapy for all the wrong reasons, I went into it as a last ditch effort to save my marriage. I never really went into it for just me; for just the improvements it would do for my life. I guess it’s really no wonder why I was still miserable after two or three months of going to this class and going to therapy and not getting anywhere. I wasn’t applying it to MY life.
There’s a lot of things that I have become extremely bitter about over the years since my first husband died, I have taken them out on my husband now who doesn’t deserve it in the least BIT, if anything he’s just tried to be there for me as a shoulder to lean on and all I do is push him away and be mean to him because I’m angry at my life and the way it turned out which is certainly NOT his fault.
See blame is an easy thing to do because it puts the focus onto something or someone else and never really ever puts the focus back on yourself. The blame causes you to never have to take responsibility for any situation. And while I never really thought that I was doing this, unconsciously and consciously I was doing this the the extreme.
Right now I’m just learning to live in the moment, I’ve never really done that before, I’ve always lived in the past, or lived in the future. I’ve always thought about what could’ve been or thought about how I want things to turn out in the future. But I’ve never really sat in the present and really embraced it. This is the longest I have ever kept one job. As of February 2015 I will have been a nail tech for six years. It is the longest I have ever had a career. I will be honest it has not been my first choice in careers. I have a bachelors degree in psychology and it has been my dream to go on to get my Masters and my PhD. I really hope that I can make those dreams comes true, but for now I really want to enjoy every single person who walks through my doors and listen to their stories and embrace each person with the love, kindness, respect, so that the leave my shop feeling better than when they came in. I know that I will have rough days because I do struggle with borderline personality disorder, but I’m getting better and I can feel it. I was so resistant to medications for so long, but I can feel them working, and as I am applying the dialectical behavioral therapy to my life; in the last week I can also see it working. I am also starting to use a little bit of prayer and meditation. I used to be extremely close to God but that’s a whole Nother story for another time. I still love God very much it’s just another story.
I am learning to think before I speak. I’m learning that I don’t have to be so quick to react, I am learning that I don’t have to fix the situation right now. I’m learning I don’t have to prove that I’m right in every situation even if I feel like I am. Sometimes it’s just better to let things go and roll with it. And if you know me that’s a really hard one….lol.
I hope to prove that a Chemical in balance in the brain does not have to overtake you; that you can be stronger and better than what you’re given in this lifetime. This is just one of the many struggles that I have chosen to write about. To be honest I didn’t realize how incredibly difficult it was going to be to put my whole self out there into the world and talk about myself so blatantly honest the way I have; knowing that I have so many people following me on my blog who know me personally.
Be kind to one another, when you’re out in the world, give a half smile to a stranger, it’s not weird it’s KIND. It’s not flirty it’s just being kind. We live in a time where smiling at people is now considered flirting or a half smile at somebody is interpreted in a devious way. This is so sad to me. Kindness should be so much more implemented in our world and that’s what I would like to see in my life going forward. The children of our society need to see us be kind to one another so that they can grow up and pass that forward. Don’t you want your children or your neighbor children to grow up learning how to be kind and loving? Ponder that today as you go through your day.
How the FUCK…..do we lose a plane? Omg. We are retarded!!!!
So I totally have permission to tell this story and I find it absolutely hilarious! I am a nail tech if you haven’t caught onto that already. I could not stop laughing because I work in a 12 x 12 shop all alone so these things just never cease to amaze me! I was sitting in my chair doing this clients nails. And we’re talking about boobs. We were talking about how she does not have the crease that most bras create because her boobs are so ginormous!
Looking down at my own boobs I thought I really don’t have a crease either, although I’m a double D but not a huge double D. My poor friend sitting in the chair really doesn’t have any boobs at all so she just wishes that she had something. As we’re sitting there talking my client literally lifts up her shirt to show us that she has zero crease in her bra!!! But what I did notice is that her bra and was extremely pretty and her boobs were enormous! What TOPS it all off, is that she not only pulls up her shirt, but she pulls up her entire bra and LAYS her boobs ON my table and proceeds to inform me that they are indeed 12 pounds each!
So, I casually ask as I am dying laughing, “how do you know they are 12 pounds each?” Her response was absolutely priceless! She responds, “I weighed them on my pot scale, of course!” At this point I absolutely think I am going to Piss my pants from laughing so hard and now I am running like 15 minutes behind because I am distracted by Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” playing in the background and these giant boobs laying on my desk!
You do see how incredibly hard it would be here to work on somebody’s hands when they’re huge size F boobs are in your face RIGHT?! It was like a train wreck…. you just can’t look away! And here’s the deal, there are real. If they were fake I would totally be feeling those up, but they’re not, there real so I really didn’t have any interest except in her putting them away so I could finish her nails and I am laughing just writing this! My friend who is visiting me is dying just witnessing this Mayham! I get her to put away her boobs, I finished her nails, and by far that is one of the funniest stories I have being a nail tech!