Tag Archive | Suicide

Every….Single…Day…For the Last 7 years….

“This Love”

~lyrics by Taylor Swift

Clear blue water, high tide came and brought you in

And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will
Skies grew darker, currents swept you out again
And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone

In silent screams,
in wildest dreams
I never dreamed of this

This love is good, this love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

Tossing, turning, struggled through the night with someone new
And I could go on and on, on and on
Lantern burning, flickered in my mind for only you
But you’re still gone, gone, gone

Been losing grip,
oh, sinking ships
You showed up just in time

This love is good, this love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

Your kiss, my cheek, I watched you leave
Your smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees
When you’re young you just run
But you come back to what you need

This love is good, this love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

Love,
~B
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Last Kiss…..

If I could go back and say some final words…..

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go away?
Away

I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th 
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

But now I’ll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don’t know how to be something you miss
I never thought we’d have a last kiss
Never imagined we’d end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you’re showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I’m not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There’s not a day I don’t miss those rude interruptions

And I’ll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don’t know how to be something you miss
Never thought we’d have a last kiss
Never imagined we’d end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it’s nice where you are….

And I hope the sun shines
And it’s a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind…..

So I’ll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don’t know how to be something you miss
Never thought we’d have a last kiss
Never imagined we’d end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips

Just like our last…Kiss…..

Lyrics~ Taylor Swift

Love,

~B

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A permanent solution to a temporary problem…..that’s suicide…..

Suicide….I Will Never Be the Same…This Is A State Of Grace…

“Haunted”

You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
but I never thought I’d live to see it break
It’s getting dark and it’s all too quiet
And I can’t trust anything now
And it’s coming over you like it’s all a big mistake

Oh, I’m holding my breath
Won’t lose you again
something’s made your eyes go cold

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I said to you
He would try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead

Oh, I’m holding my breath
Won’t see you again
something keeps me holding on to nothing

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

I know, I know, I just know
You’re not gone. You can’t be gone. Noooooooo.

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
Won’t finish what you started
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t go back, I’m haunted

You and I walked a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I’d see it break.
Never thought I’d see it…

*A Taylor Swift song that PERFECTLY describes my EXACT feelings for my husband who committed suicide…

Changed

Let me know it’s not all in my mind

I want to go there and have you to find…

Everything has changed

All I know is that I want to say hello…

You and I walk a fragile line

it’s so dark and I can’t trust anything now…

I’m holding my breath

But I lose you again

Don’t leave me like this…

I still mean everything I said

I’m holding my breath

Your all I wanted…

I feel so haunted…

I know….I know…

your no good, you can’t be good…

Something went terribly wrong

I can’t breathe now that your gone…

The pain from the suicide has me trapped and walking a fragile line….

Kay…”You teach people how to treat you…”

Kay and I met at our friend Pam’s son’s first birthday party on a June day in 2005. I remember there was four of us girls that got to know each other that day and have, in one way or another, been a HUGE part of each others lives. Kay says she will always remember what I was wearing when she met me. It was a little red and white plaid jumper…Kay, Pam and I became fast friends. Kay and I had a connection that I will never be able to explain. We were able to talk over one another, yet still complete the conversation like pros. We could finish each other sentences, it was amazing. It’s rare in this life that your able to find a girlfriend that can complete you in so many ways as Kay has for me over the years.

In 2006, Kay and I took our first road trip together, we packed our bags and headed to Portland, Or where we were going to see BON JOVI! We were like two 16 year-old girls that day. We played his newest album so we’d know the lyrics to all the songs. I remember laughing so hard on that trip. It was one of the best memories of my entire life. This was a friend I would have for life…I mean this woman taught me how to make DRINKABLE coffee without flavored creamer! YOU CAN DO THAT? “With enough milk and sugar, you can do anything.” she said. This road trip was only the beginning of something special between the two of us.

On my birthday, May 2, 2006, Kay took me shopping. She was determined to get me out of my “Ugly Jesus shoes” (they were brown Birkenstocks), and I LOVED THEM….Kay hated them. She said I had “amazing calves” and I needed a heel that would “elongate my calves.” At that point in my life I was lucky to have an elongated WAIST, let alone CALVES! I still chuckle as I remember her words. I will remember that day forever, it was so much fun, We shopped for HOURS, ate lunch, and she found me the perfect heels to go with all my dresses…I still have them…and I will keep them forever…

Later that year, Kay, Pam, and I all went to a Christian conference together called Women of Faith with our church. I remember that conference taking my faith in God to new heights. I believe the three of us shared a hotel room that year….but I could be wrong, I can’t remember. We sat together, we walked together, we encouraged one another. I had just gotten married, to Craig, the year before and it was an extremely tumultuous marriage. Kay and Pam were always encouraging me to be better….to do better. These woman had been at this whole “God thing” quite a bit longer than I had. They never once made me feel like a burden when I would call them crying, but would bounce me between them so neither one of them got burnt out. I totally can’t blame them; I was a complete basket case almost the entire 2 year that I was married to my first husband.

Kay and I spent a lot of time together having coffee and tea and talking about what life means and how we could continually to grow in God. She was my INSPIRATION to be a better person. I remember her giving me the analogy that the holy spirit is like a seed, if you water it, it will grow, but if you neglect it, it will shrivel. I was always struggling to water my seed and I still struggle to this day. I struggle with why God allows certain events to take place in our lives…

In the summer of 2007, my entire world came crashing down around me….I recieved the news, on a Monday, August 27, 2007, at work, that my husband had committed suicide. I remember my world completely stopping. (I will write more on this one day, but not today). I called another friend at the time to come get me from work, and I went to stay with her. Pam took my kids that night and I think they spent the night with her. I remember calling Kay and begging her to please come get me as I needed her, as I wasn’t in the right home at that point. Kay and her husband came and gathered me up. The moment I walked into their house a sense of peace came over me, as this would be my home for the next week. Kay made sure I ate, I remember her feeding me crackers…they were these sweetish kind of crackers that I could nibble on as I wasn’t eating much (go figure). I think she made me eat a weird salad the next night because I needed “My veggies.” Kay drove me around to every appointment I had that week. I barely remember a thing from that week as it all happened so fast. I remember she drove me to the funeral home and I just couldn’t make any decisions, and she kept telling me “No decision have to be made today.” I think we left and went back another day. Kay helped me with all the phone calls, hosted a brunch for me and Craig’s family, found me a lawyer, and walked me through the entire grieving process. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. I believe, if my memory serves me correctly, the funeral was the following Monday, Labor day, 2007. I believe Kay and Web sat behind me at the funeral, but I really don’t remember. I stayed one more night at their house the day of the funeral, and was gently encouraged to return home the next day. A week had gone by; in fact I’m pretty sure I would’ve stayed longer, but my children needed me and Kay and Web assured me that I was going to be ok. They told me they were only a phone call away if I needed them.

I returned home from Kay’s to a completely SPOTLESS home, Pam came in and completely wiped it clean with the power of her soul. My floors were mopped, my carpets vacuumed, everything dusted, bathroom cleaned, and mine and the kids’ rooms were cleaned. Pam is a “behind the scenes” person. She is like a little angel, she always popped in when I least expected it, but somehow always knew when I needed it most. (She has a huge role in my life and will get her own story one of these days). These are the only two women I have remained friends with after all these year. The only two women who never turned their backs on me when things got rough over the years.

In the summer of 2008, I remarried to my current husband Gary. Kay and Pam were my Matrons of Honor, and my sister was my maid of honor. See, I couldn’t choose just one. My sister was a given, but Kay and Pam were my backbone, my sisters in Christ, Kay being the older sister, Pam being the middle sister, and I the youngest. Web, Kay’s husband gave me away; he will always be the brother I never had. Kay gave the most beautiful speech as she cried, and we all struggled to hear what she was saying. Because that’s Kay, ALWAYS crying in sadness and joy. I don’t think there is a moment that I can think of when we haven’t been together and Kay hasn’t cried from SOMETHING. Generally it’s laughter and joy, but oftentimes it’s just her heart. She has one of the purist hearts I have ever witnessed. She CONSTANTLY was trying to keep me on the straight and narrow path as I constantly tested her patience with my zigging and zagging. Oh the stories she could tell you!

In January of 2010, we got the news that Kay had stage three colon cancer, I remember being so scared. I returned only a fraction of what she did for me by taking her to several chemo appointments, and visiting her as often as I could. She is one of the strongest fighters I have ever witnessed a day in my life. Kay praised God every step of the way, sometimes wondering why her, but I also remember her saying “Why not me?” Kay never thought she was above anything or any situation; Kay just constantly said, “I don’t know why this is happening, but God will see me through it!” and He did…..after a surgery and 8 months of chemo, she was cancer free. She BEAT COLON CANCER!!! We were all so incredibly relieved.

I think I’m still in denial. It can’t be true, one of my best friends, longest friends, one of my timeless friends….was diagnosed with brain cancer on the eve of her 50th birthday…December 6, 2013. Kay has been given only 6-9 short months to live. Kay has decided to forgo radiation and try to beat this with a very special, extremely restricted, diet called the Gerson diet. It’s been proven over and over that cancer can, and does, get beaten with an organic, special blend diet that is VERY EXPENSIVE. When I talked to her last she had been on the diet for 4 days and felt FANTASTIC! I believe that through the power of prayer, family, and a good wholesome diet with the certain organic foods, SHE CAN BEAT THIS!!! And YES, I am going to ask for YOUR HELP! See, we are all on this earth to help one another. If we all gave just $10 (that’s TWO STARBUCKS COFFEES) that would be enough to continue to feed her this very expensive, special diet and hopefully will save her life.

I just don’t understand how this can happen to such a beautiful person. Kay has been an inspiration to me for YEARS. She’s the one who taught me, “You teach people how to treat you.” Those words will be passed down from generation to generation in my family…all from this ONE person. HOW CAN ONE PERSON HAVE SUCH AN AMAZING EFFECT ON SOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE I WILL NEVER KNOW……

See, all things happen for a reason, If I hadn’t met Craig chances are I wouldn’t have 2 of my best friends now, Pam and Kay. I can’t imagine these two women NOT being in my life forever. PLEASE help me, help my inspiration. Kay is one of the reasons I continue to walk with God even when I am so angry and would like to turn my back on Him.

I humbly ask that you take a moment to pray, or if your spiritual, then to just ask whatever high power you believe in, to touch your heart and donate to one of the most worthy people I have ever met….The link is posted right here….

http://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/y3q3/susan-kay-beeman-cancer-fund#

Kay and her husband Web

Kay and her husband Web


Kay and her husband and Gary and I's wedding 2008....never seen two people more in love!

Kay and her husband at Gary and I’s wedding 2008….never seen two people more in love!


Kay giving her Maid of Honor speech...

Kay giving her Maid of Honor speech…


Kay leading us in prayer before my wedding...

Kay leading us in prayer before my wedding…


Me, Kay, and Pam and my wedding shower...T

Me, Kay, and Pam at my wedding shower…


Kay and Web

Kay and Web

It’s a Fine Balance…

I believe a balanced life is a difficult life to obtain. Balance is extremely delicate. Balance means knowing what you can personally handle and when you need a break. Balance means knowing when to schedule “you” time. I’m not very good with balance. I tend to be over focused on work, my kids, and running my business which is a nail salon located next door to my house. I feel like I live a very privileged life and I am by no means complaining. I have children who are good kids, a wonderful husband, and dedicated friends who constantly have my back. I created this blog to give me some “me” time. It’s my way of sorting out my thoughts while receiving feedback from my readers.

A little about my current life, I have two teenagers who are almost 13 and almost 15. I was a pretty disconnected mom when they were little causing me to feel like I needed to overcompensate for my inactivity in their lives once their step-dad died. When my husband passed away when they were 6 and 8 I realized how I needed to step up my game as a mom and earn the title….so to speak. I promised my son and daughter that I would NEVER again allow someone to come between us the way I had allowed my former husband to. In response to this my 8-year-old son says to me, and I quote, “Your here now mom and that’s all that matters.” Children are so forgiving. Please don’t mistake me as a mother who abandoned her children for that was not the case. However, you know those moments when your present but you’re not really present? That was me…I would use the tv as a babysitter, I would call their dad or my mom to come get them as I was selfish and wanted to hang out with my then boyfriend whom I later married….big mistake in some ways, but in others I’m not sure I would be who I am today without that experience. So maybe God saw an opportunity to teach me a few things along the way since I I was hellbent on being stubborn.

I got married to a man I’d known for years 10 months after my first husband passed away.Gary and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. For the record, I never cheated. Some people assume that since I got married so fast that I must have been cheating; that was not the case. In our case, I was involved a church that preached heavily about not having sex before marriage which was pretty much the basis of why we got married so fast. Don’t get me wrong, I believe Gary and I would have ended up getting married eventually, just not as fast as we did. But since we did, “honor God” I do believe that God helps us out when things are sticky around here.And this last year has been hell. I think I started to develop a drinking problem this past year, and suffered horribly from depression. As I have stepped back, I have realized that I don’t have a drinking problem. My problem is that I was horribly depressed for many reasons which made me want to drink. Since I have gotten my hormones and depression under control this is no longer an issue. THANK GOD!

My point is this, I am a mom FIRST, because my kids did not ask to be brought into this world, a wife second and everything else comes after that. My husband would argue that he comes last, and in all reality he is probably right. See, I am OBSESSIVE about raising good human beings, I’m extremely dedicated to my job, and friends, and when it comes to my husband (who is AMAZING) I am typically stretched so thin that I oftentimes just want to retreat to being alone so I can just veg out. BECAUSE I AM HORRIBLE WITH BALANCE!

For example, we had quite the bombshell dropped on us several weeks ago. Since it had to do with one of my children it’s all I have been dealing with for the last several weeks…which is totally fine. My son desperately needed me and I was happy to be there for him. However, I am EXHAUSTED mentally! Between that situation and working an extreme amount of hours during the holidays, I have had NO downtime. This is the first weekend my kids have not been home in several weeks. Their dad and I used to split them one week on and one week off; we’ve been on that schedule, for the most part, since they were one and three; so their entire lives. They came to live with Gary and I full-time in May of this last year. It was quite a change having them full-time. It was overwhelming but ultimately the best decision for the children. Honestly, I was ELATED that this was the new plan, because I am ultimately the better parent (Brian, their dad, says the same thing). My kids and I have developed a new-found bond that is tighter than ever. Now that they have reached junior high and high school they need someone who can focus their full attention on where they are, what they are doing, and it works out perfectly.

However; I still need to find balance, I need to find a better balance, one that makes my husband feel more included, and part of me wonders if it really exists…..Any thoughts?

This post only gave you a tip of the iceberg on my background. I promise to continue to post posts that will put a lot of detail in more perspective. If you would like me write a specific post, on something you would like to know more about, please feel free to comment and ask.

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Me…..an Inspiration???

I’ve recently been called an “inspiration” by several people. This ALWAYS and forever will throw me out of my seat. I don’t look at myself that way. I just look at myself as someone who has been through a lot for someone my age (I’m 36, I’ll be 37 May 2). But honestly there are people out there who have been through far worse than I’ve been through. I mean let’s face it…..people have been through worse than I’ve been through…..cancer (one of my best friends is battling brain cancer), this same woman just battled stage 3 colon cancer 3 years ago! She’s a survivor. I have no doubt she’ll kick brain cancers ASS!

I suppose I should take Ash Beckham’s advice and not measure “my hard against other people’s hard and commiserate on the fact that we all have hard” Which by the way….changed how I view my life; I’ve said this several times now….and I mean it.If you had met me 2-5 years ago you probably would’ve hated me. In fact I look back and feel disappointed with who I was. I was a judgmental, uptight, church going JERK……if you did something that I remotely thought you’d go to hell for I would pretty much tell you just that. I know, I know….NOT a good quality to portray. For we are called NOT to JUDGE but to LOVE. Unfortunately the ASSHOLE pastor, who cannot be named, (see what I did there?😉) did not preach the same. He CLAIMED to preach love for all, but when it really boiled down to it, he was a hypocritical, judgmental, only looking out for himself, and what he could get from others….ASSHOLE!! (I hope he reads this someday). I look back and feel like my soul had been molested. (Harsh I know, but totally how I view it). I’ve been a pretty bitter bitch for about 3 years over that whole matter. And bitter for years BEFORE that due to a million other mishaps in my life. BUT….I do have control to move on from those experiences and realize that this pastor is a sad, broken, and lonely man who needs Jesus more than anyone I’ve ever met. (He’s still an asshole though)….yes in areas I’m still a judgmental bitch….but I’m working on it! Progress not perfection right!? 

Let’s see….I have my own battles I’ve fought. I cheated on my children’s dad (whom I wasn’t married to) with a man 16 years older than me whom I married only for him to eventually commit suicide by shooting himself IN THE HEART, IN OUR BED!!!!….karma? Maybe. Talk about leaving a girl FUCKED UP!!!! (I told you there would be language). My poor husband now has had quite a ride since we got married 10 months after my first husband died. (More on that later).  My husband now is seriously somewhat of a saint depending on the day and whether or not I’m PMSing! Lol. Ok…that’s enough for tonight. But I PROMISE I will elaborate on these stories over time! I can’t feed you to much in one session right? 

~B

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