My life today, on all accounts, as of right now, is really wonderful. I have a very loving, hard-working, amazing, and supportive husband. I’ve never met anyone in my life who works harder than that man does. My husband provides me with the opportunity to work part time. I know that he knows that I only work part time. It’s not a secret when you’re only working 12 to 5￼￼.
Part of me wonders if my husband even knows this. Does Gary know that because of him I get to live such a beautiful, simple life? It’s not extravagant, but it’s comfortable, tranquil. I love
my life. Because of my husband, I am able to give myself more self-care. This is a luxury not very many people are afforded.￼
What do I do with my time otherwise? I do various things. I play with my bird a lot. Oliver keeps me very entertained. I’m going to start going through things in my house that I just don’t need anymore. Do the happiness cleanse so to speak. ￼ apparently you ask something if it brings you joy and if it doesn’t then you get rid of it. I think it’s brilliant! ￼
Self-care is going to be the focus of 2020. In more ways than one. Mainly mentally. But I would like to start incorporating some healthier eating and healthier thinking habits. However if I still wanna piece of cheesecake I’m going to eat that damn piece of cheesecake. Because seriously, it’s cheesecake.
I’d like to ￼get one small task done a weekend that I don’t want to do. So, at the end of the day, taking care of something that you don’t want to take care of lifts a feeling of burden and that ends up being self care. For me at least.
I’m not gonna lie. I really do hope 2020 is kinder than 2019. I PRAY it. I came out stronger at the end of 2019. I have done battle scars. I know many other people who have battle scars from 2019 as well. ￼I really, really PRAY that 2020 is kinder to all of us.
I guess now is the time to go do a little closet organizing! ￼
This year’s word:
Hey! I’m back. For now. I’d like to commit to blogging again. Mental health has always been my passion to write about. I skip around a lot in this blog. I’m not sorry. I used to be but mot anymore. At least I’m writing again.
I was challenged by a blogger friend I know, to write about one word every day this year. I chose self-care. I’m not sure I can commit to every day. I’m going to try my best to do as much as I can. Try to stay off social media a little bit more. Try to tame the anxiety that runs through me on a daily basis.
Whooo, what a year 2019 was! I know many who would agree! It was it was a time for massive growth and personal reflection.
So, many changes have gone on for me this year. My dearest friend Becky- passed away from a stroke. 2 1/2 weeks later my grandmother passed away. These were deeply devastating events. I miss
both of them so much.
Becky went to soon. THAT was and is devastating.
Grammy was ready. I just miss her wisdom and contagious laugh. I still have voicemails and memos that I can listen to. And that means the world to me.
This year I decided to quit drinking and start therapy after I tried to commit suicide on May 15, 2019. I was in a very dark place. Not taking my medication, and not realizing it because the alcohol was masking it. Or so I thought. You would’ve thought me falling down our wooden staircase drunk, breaking my tailbone, might’ve been the final rock bottom. I guess not.
It is what it is. I’m glad I found my bottom. I’ve never valued my life more. Has it tested my strength? Absolutely. I’ve had a sip here and there. Some people consider I broke my sobriety, but what I learned is that it’s to each their own whether or not we decide that we have broken it.
Well, last night on New Year’s Eve, I broke it. And I’m not sorry. I am the curious cat. I had a drink of wine the other night dinner and about puked. Last night I wanted to try a hard cider. I drank a SMALL glass, and I feel like shit today. I had zero desire to finish it. I suppose that counts because I had a glass. I’m not gonna count months anymore. I’m just going to count my blessings. I have a massively amazing support system. I have many people who tell me that they are proud of me on a regular basis. If I didn’t have this I much support I could’ve relapsed a long time ago. But I didn’t. I’m PROUD OF ME. Even if curiosity got the best of me. I found that after 7 1/2 months of being sober that alcohol is GROSS. I’m happy to report that I have zero desire to drink. I’m lethargic today and just not feeling great. Is it from the alcohol? Who knows, but I’m not willing to do that again. It wasn’t worth it and didn’t even taste that great. I guess I just wanted to see if I could do it. And I did, without overdoing it, but I have no desire to do it again anytime soon. If ever.
This year, I am going to be very careful about the hours that I work, take regular me time, and not allow other people dictate how I should feel about any situation. The people who are in my life right now are who I need. The people who are not in my life, for whatever reason, will always be in my heart. And I believe that we’ll reconnect someday.
For now, I’m going to continue to live my life day by day, minute by minute, second by second. I’ll do what feels right, live my life to the best of my ability. I’m enjoying a quiet life now that my children are adults and have left the nest.
If you happen to know me, I went through a phase this year of getting a miniature pig for 14 hours, that story can come another time. I got a conure who ended up being the devil. So he went back. However, I did end up with the sweetest cockatiel. His name is Oliver and I am obsessed. He is the only lil chicken I’ll ever need. He should live well into his 20s. He’s literally my best friend. We take a ton of silly videos and pictures. He keeps me entertained for hours.
Oliver is part of my self-care. He relaxes me. I love watching him play and all of his different facial expressions and all of his new discoveries. It’s like watching a baby develop. I’ve had him since he was 11 weeks old.
Anyway, I think that’s all for now. I feels good to be back in writing. I hope I can keep it up. I hope that whoever reads this as a beautiful new year. Very prosperous and Gentle to all of us. I know many many people who had a tough 2019. Like 2020 be a little more gentle on us.
Much love to all of you,
This morning one of my friends told me I inspired her. I think those were the words she used. My jaw about dropped to the floor since I don’t look ay myself as inspiring in any way. However, as I sit here and write this, I think “why can’t I be inspiring?” I have confessed my mental illness, I most definitely have an eating disorder from years of being told I needed to lose weight. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind for pretty much the last 15 years. I want to be healthy, but it’s certainly not healthy to obsess either. INSTEAD, I am going to work on loving myself right now and taking off the conditions I have put on myself. Like “I’ll love myself more when I lose 10 pounds.” As I write this I realize how RIDICULOUS that even sounds. We want other people to love us unconditionally, but many of us, including myself, aren’t willing to love ourselves unconditionally.
Today is a pretty good day for me mentally. I have woken up all week with 10+ hours of sleep and feeling guilty for not going to the gym. You know what? FUCK IT…..I’m OK!!! The gym does not validate me. GOD validates me. If you don’t believe in God then find something higher than yourself, but also including yourself, and put your value in that. It’s 11:55am and I’m still in my bathrobe, drinking my coffee. I need to go put dinner in the crock pot and get ready to start my day. I work in 30 minutes and I could be telling myself what a loser I am for having done nothing of real importance yet this morning but you know what? Someone told me I inspire them, and that inspired me to write this blog. If it wasn’t for my friend Dawn’s small amount of validation this morning I never would have taken a few minutes to sit down and write this blog. I LOVE to blog. It’s my favorite hobby. I get to sit here and put my thoughts out into the world and hope that someone reads them. Maybe my words will resognate with soemone else. I also get to sit here and watch my cat be a spaz.
Go out and be a FUCKING dragon or a unicorn! Just don’t be an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be intimidated to love yourself. I’m still working on it.
So, for those of you that may not be aware…I just started participating in a year-long therapy journey called DBT. It stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. In one word? AMAZING! But at the same time….extremely difficult. This is my second week participating in the group portion of the therapy which I thought I would hate but I totally LOVE! Tonight we talked about RADICAL ACCEPTANCE……take that in for a minute….Radical Acceptance…..
Accepting any situation that you don’t WANT to accept is going to difficult right? Losing a loved one, discovering you have cancer, finding out your spouse has been having an affair, finding out your child is being bullied at school, just the tough stuff that is thrown at us on a daily basis. Even the smaller things like the dishwasher breaking, our child getting sick etc. BUT….to RADICALLY ACCEPT these situations and commit to not focusing on the bad, but accepting that the situation purely “is what it is.” That is HARD!!!!
Tonight we did this activity where we had to write down 5 or 6 adjectives that we felt described us. Then we had to write down the opposite of those adjectives. Our group leader then told us to digest that in fact BOTH lists were true of ourselves. I looked at my lists and at first I was really sad, then I was kind of irritated because I didn’t want the opposites (the negatives) to be true. However, no one is perfect. My list made me a human being and I’m working on improving the negative stuff.
With radical acceptance I can take my problem, and start to solve it, by changing how I feel about it. I can choose to accept it and work on it, or I can stay miserable. Suffering is less intense with acceptance. Let that sink in for a minute. ”
I’ll leave you with this…..but I will write more soon. In the meantime….Is there a situation in your life you can work on radically accepting?
OK, So I just recently started this new journey of therapy. If you haven’t already, there is a whole post dedicated to DBT therapy you can go read on. Simply put? AMAZING!!!! I’ve only been 4 times but I have learned a plethora of information! Isn’t it logical that if your going to walk someone through all the non so warm and fuzzy times of their lives that you would at least prepare them with tools for emotional success and have them practice these before the real therapy begins?
I went to traditional therapy for SIX years people and I am right back where I was but actually I’m worse because that woman totally screwed me up. Anyway….I’ve been to this one 4 time and I think between this and the small amount of medication I let my doctor put me on, I’m suddenly feeling FANTASTIC for the most part this last week! I struggle with anxiety and actively noticed that my anxiety level was at like practical non-existent compared to my high-strung, if it doesn’t go as it should…everything is.going.to.end.FOREVER……
I’M TOTALLY ROCKING OUT TO BANG BANG BY ARIANA GRANDE….(THANKS SON)….LOL
Anyway, I feel great so I’m totally not going to over think it too much and just roll with it because whatever I’m doing is WORKING! lol.
It is hard work though, I’ll be honest. It’s a lot of constant redirection of thinking. It can be a little exhausting BUT it’s getting a little easier each day with practice patience, self acceptance, self-love, etc…..kinda like the whole nail art adventure I’ve currently embarked upon! I mean if I’m going to live this life I want it to be the best, most influential one I can lead!
If I can change from who I was to who I want to be it’ll be the greatest accomplishment I could even make! I also had a BREAKTHROUGH business idea tonight! More on that later….! Seriously, I think it’s borderline genius and I wouldn’t have to quit my job doing nails to do it if I could make it work. But that’s WAY later down the road, BUT exciting nonetheless!
I’ve also gotten to form some really neat connections lately. I never know how long I’ll ever get with a person before they’ll move, on, have to stop getting their nails done for some reason etc. The BEST part of my job HANDS DOWN is sharing life stories and experiences! Doesn’t it make this life not feel so lonely and scary!? Oh, and we can all realize we’re not crazy because there is someone else out there who is just as ‘cray cray’ as they are on some level! I love the relatability factor I have with 95% of my clients. It’s hard to even say the word client and not refer to my clients as “this friend of mine” which oftentimes I do!
Ok, I really am going to try to keep up my blog a little more consistently!
I’m watching Julie and Julia, (well I was until my husband came home and changed it to the Oregon ducks game).What a terrific movie about a young woman’s life who decides she is going to cook an entire cookbook of Julia Child’s in 365 days! What a concept! Can you imagine dedicating yourself to something totally new to you…. like cooking everyday? I just got an idea! What if I do 365 days of yoga moves? I could learn 1 new position a day and add-on to each position each day! I totally think I’m onto something! My passion is writing…and getting better. My doctor is encouraging yoga to help with my mental health. She said to me “If you don’t take care of you, you can’t take care of anyone else.” How true is that? So seriously, 1 yoga move a day for like what 6 months…. a year? How interesting would that be? Be mind, body and spirit for a few minutes each day. I wonder if I could do it. I wonder if I could commit to anything that long. I think as of now in my life I am coming up on a bunch of commitment firsts…here is a colorful list….
1. Been married for 6 years and 3 months…(I can’t believe he’s put up with me that long….seriously)…
2. I have kept TWO kids ALIVE so far! Shocking, to some, I know…..
3. I have 2 dogs, and 2 cats who are also alive!….I killed my bird 7 years ago BY ACCIDENT! He was this really cool finch my son found outside, like tiny baby. Still had its down feathers. Oh I loved Mr. Dicky!
4. I have managed to contribute in paying a mortgage. I feel like a real adult.
5. I have TEENAGERS….I think that also makes me an adult.
I’m 37. I don’t necessarily FEEL like an adult. I feel like this awkward teenager who is suddenly became an adult with two teen children, 2 dogs, 2 cats, only ONE dead bird and a husband of 6 years.
Does anyone else feel like adulthood got thrown on them? LITERALLY!!!??
I learned a few coping skills at my first appointment on Thursday. I can tell you that I did NOT tap into those skills today AT ALL! I should have, but I was so blinded by anger and hurt that my head was spinning like something you would see in a Poltergeist movie! The fury that arose from being so blinded by fear and injustice was overwhelming; especially for someone with BPD. I will admit that while I had every right to FEEL the way I did, that my REACTION should have been different; instead of screaming and blowing up on my family member, I should have taken a break, grouped my thoughts together, and taken a more productive approach. But I didn’t. I blew a gasket. You know who this really hurts? Just me. My shoulders are tight, anxiety is high, I’m embarrassed and feel icky inside. I’m so tired of feeling like this and it’s just fueling me to turn my “Sadness into gladness” as my dear friend Lori put it today.
The world is sometimes a really scary feeling place and that is really hard for someone like me to admit. On the outside, I’m most of the time, sweet, bubbly, talkative, and friendly. Please hear me when I tell you this….I am not fake….I really, truly am all of those things. However, sometimes I have to force those behaviors in order to hide other behaviors such as fear, anxiety, depression etc.
I didn’t mention this in my last post because my head was a mess and I was just writing because I find writing soothing. On Thursday, my therapist asked me a TON of yes/no questions. Turns out, (so she says) that I have PTSD, and major depressive disorder. Now the PTSD I could not have predicted, but MDD? I rarely feel the need to stay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. However, that is not what MDD really means. MDD is as follows:
• Depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than two weeks.
• Mood represents a change from the person’s baseline.
• Impaired function: social, occupational, educational.
• Specific symptoms, at least 5 of these 9, present nearly every day:
1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report
(e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).
2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day
3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite
4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia
5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation
6. Fatigue or loss of energy
7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness
9. Suicidality: Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan
I would like to be clear to my friends and family who follow me here. I DO NOT struggle with self harm or suicidal thoughts and tendencies or dissociation. Thank the LORD! My therapy plan is a ONE YEAR commitment. Every Tuesday morning I will go individually, and group therapy every Wednesday evening. Group therapy sounds scary, but I’m trying to remember that everyone in this group is like me which is why we’re all there. We all have a common goal…and that is to get better.
One of the things I struggle with the most is commitment. I commit and then I flake. Mainly I flake out of the “what if” fear. I go into irrational thinking and talk myself right out of the thing I committed to. I am making a COMMITMENT to myself first and my family to do this. I WANT to get better! 1 year of my life and I can most likely be BPD symptom free? YES PLEASE! It’s not going to be easy but it’s going to be totally worth it.
If you or someone you know struggles with depression I encourage you to seek help. While I haven’t seen the effects of this work yet, I also don’t have any tools to work with quite yet. Oh, I do have one thing…..I can call my therapist 24/7 in the event that I need coping skills immediately. I exercised this phone call last night, and I should have done it today. Honestly it didn’t even cross my mind to call her today. I think it’s because this whole thing is so new to me.
Loves until next time,