Tag Archive | poetry

Suicide….I Will Never Be the Same…This Is A State Of Grace…


You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
but I never thought I’d live to see it break
It’s getting dark and it’s all too quiet
And I can’t trust anything now
And it’s coming over you like it’s all a big mistake

Oh, I’m holding my breath
Won’t lose you again
something’s made your eyes go cold

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I said to you
He would try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead

Oh, I’m holding my breath
Won’t see you again
something keeps me holding on to nothing

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

I know, I know, I just know
You’re not gone. You can’t be gone. Noooooooo.

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
Won’t finish what you started
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t go back, I’m haunted

You and I walked a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I’d see it break.
Never thought I’d see it…

*A Taylor Swift song that PERFECTLY describes my EXACT feelings for my husband who committed suicide…

Dear Craig….

“Dear Craig”

Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
And my mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight
Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let you know why

Dear Craig, I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home, I should’ve known.

Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love then take it away

And you’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret how I ignored when they said,
“Run as fast as you can.”

Dear Craig, I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home

Dear Craig, I see it all now it was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games?
When I loved you so, I should’ve known.

You are an expert at “Sorry”
And keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you’ve run dry have tired lifeless eyes
Cause you’ve burned them out

But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don’t look now
I’m shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

Dear Craig, I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home

I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?

*Taylor Swift song….I just changed a couple words to make it fit my feelings…


Lives Changed Forever

You really did it this time

Caught yourself in your war path…

lost you balance on the tight rope

lost your mind trying to get it back…

It was easier when you believed in everything

When everyone believed in you…

Are you innocent?

Did some things you couldn’t speak of…

The bottle makes you live it all again

Wasn’t it easier in your childhood days…

Wasn’t it beautiful before the monsters came after you

Your lights still shines for me…

Who you are is not what you did

Everyone of us has messed up too…

Lives changed forever


Let me know it’s not all in my mind

I want to go there and have you to find…

Everything has changed

All I know is that I want to say hello…

You and I walk a fragile line

it’s so dark and I can’t trust anything now…

I’m holding my breath

But I lose you again

Don’t leave me like this…

I still mean everything I said

I’m holding my breath

Your all I wanted…

I feel so haunted…

I know….I know…

your no good, you can’t be good…

Something went terribly wrong

I can’t breathe now that your gone…

The pain from the suicide has me trapped and walking a fragile line….

Death….It’s Final…..

Life isn’t always what it seems to be,

People pass unexpectantly….

It’s so hard with them not around

Wish I could take back the hands of time…

What a life to take

Someone tell me why…

Tell me why life is so short

Tell me why people die so young…

Every step I take, every move I make, what a life to take….I’ll be missing you….

Thinking of the day, when you went away

On that morning when you went away….

This morning when I woke I knew something I didn’t before

I know that I want to know you better…

There will be no more tomorrow….Never….

Ode to Wine Tasting at Del Rio

I’m so excited for I get to have an adventure today

My friend Cristy and I will do some wine tastings; who knows how long we will stay!

1 bottle, 2 bottles, 3 bottles, floor

Lucky for us Courtney has control over the pours

What a little sassy place

The most inviting, and amazing space

I love how relaxed the atmosphere is on any given day

If the sun was shining in the grass I would lay

Del Rio is by far the most wonderful place

Courtney is our favorite; she always has a smile upon her face

Rose Jolee is by far our favorite wine, and if you could taste it you’d say

This is the most refreshing wine for any time of day!

The girls at Del Rio make it so much fun to relax

It is the best way after filing your income tax…

So if you should happen to be in Southern Oregon

Drop down to Gold Hill and see the girls at Del Rio….


The Church and It’s People…

This morning I am sitting here so quiet and so still

Wondering why God has brought me to this place in my life

A transition for sure as I examine my will…

So much pain, so much sorrow, happiness too…

In my world I’m content which seems so taboo

I’d like to think I’ve made a nice life for myself

Then a man points out I’ve put God on a shelf

I won’t deny that part of this statement is true

The church that I went to often made me feel blue

Church is supposed to be an uplifting place

I would leave most Sundays with a confused look on my face

He’d say; “Go out and love others as Jesus would do”

Then say, but But don’t hang with sinners for their a bad influence on you

I was constantly confused for I never knew my place

For many good reasons I stopped attending this place

For me it’s about what God does in your heart

A church is just a building as I see it for the most part

I do miss the fellowship with like-minded people

But I don’t need the building to find such people

I have many clients I have found who love God

Most all of us have been hurt and feel like we’re in some kind of fog

Don’t let one man stand in your way you say

He has no business pastoring in my opinion anyway

He is a self righteous, arrogant man

Who has no business being up on the stand

He is not a people person you say to me

Then why is he pastoring people to lead?

It confuses me as to why God has chosen this man to lead

But I suppose I should not question the one higher than me

I will find out my answers when he calls me home

Until then I’d like to be left alone

Alone meaning not badgered for what I feel or believe

For just because its right for you does not mean its right for me

I think that your view of me is not quite as it should be

But I also believe church has done this to keep you away from me

You made judgements that aren’t even remotely true

For friends don’t do that they come and listen to you

10 years of friendship and you don’t come ask me straight up

You just assume that you see me for what you think you should see

I will tell you my friend that yesterday was quite hurtful as you told me to give up things I don’t even frequently do

We have barely seen each other these last few years so don’t assume that you know me like you used to

Just because you can get past the hurt and the pain

Does not mean that I can do the same

I do not feel like my anger is all consuming

I just wont put myself in the same position to be hurt once again

You say, “She doesn’t know that she hurt you so bad”

Well yes she does because I told her my brother

She appologized for the way she behaved 11 months later

But 11 months is so long when you finally loathe her

She slowly turned everyone against me, I think even you, though you don’t seem to see

Which is a travesty because you are like a brother to me

You can not raise your voice thinking I will listen

It makes me shut down and lash out later as I’ve given myself some time to reason

Who do you think you are accusing me of such things?

You clearly don’t know me and the rest is history….

Maybe someday we can see eye to eye

But please don’t assume I sit around and just lie

I feel like I’m nothing but brutally honest

And for you to question me is what is the oddest

I will come to the funeral my brother

But it will be the last time I step foot in that place

For no one who matters cares enough to see the hurt in my face

I feel so happy you are in a peaceful place

But the hurt that I have was written all over my face

All you could do was tell me I was wrong

Feelings are feelings regardless of fault

Maybe I can say you are a better person than I

But I think many people like me for me

I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not

Not saying you do I just feel so caught

My silence is about to be no more

I will end this here as I say I love you once more….

Thank you….

I’d like to thank the people who follow my blog

It’s just an account of the voices that I sit here and log….

I don’t feel worthy to have 50+ peeps

Thank you for sharing this journey and taking the leap!

The things that I write just come off the top of my head

I don’t spend a lot if time editing; I just write what I feel needs to be said…

So many blogs you could choose to follow

You’ve chosen mine and I thought I’d fly solo…

Thank you to everyone who Likes my posts

Comments are fun for I love to interact; it makes this whole blog thing so fun to host!


The Husband

My husband is a man of patience and loyalty

He whispers that I’m beautiful and treats me like royalty…

He’s put up with so much as I have worked through my pain

Sometimes I wonder if he stays wondering what’s left to gain…

I don’t know why he puts up with a wretch like me

I think if I were him I would toss me into the sea…

I am not an easy person to love for I wish it was so

Underneath it all I fall way below…

His patience baffles me on a daily basis

I sit and stand and I do lots of pacing

I do not feel worthy as I stop and reflect

It give me chills when he kisses my neck…

My hope is that he’ll stay through thick and through thin

Because I don’t think I’ll find another person like him….

The Pain

Crying brings such an emotional relief

Relief that can come when your really in need….

God knows the pain that’s so deep within

I’m crying and crying over my friend…

True friends only come but once in awhile

She was one person who could always make me smile….

The anguish I feel is so deep and unreal

I want it to be over and for my soul to heal…

She’s not even passed but the moment is soon

I saw her today at 9:30 and left around noon….

She will no longer be in pain, as she gets to go hang with Jesus

But it’s hard for us here when we don’t want her to leave us….

The River

The river is beautiful just as God planned

Beautiful waters rushing over the rocks and the sand….

Waterfalls rushing into beautiful streams

I then see the river rushing towards me…..

Scenery so beautiful you just stop in the glare

It’s a beauty you see rarely so it’s hard not to stare…

Waterfalls and rivers are all Gods creation

Feeling so grateful to live in such a beautiful region….

Southern Oregon has some of the most beautiful places

Take some time to explore these extraordinary destinations….


I’d Like to Kick Cancers A–!!

I sit hear thinking and feeling so sad

Thinking I’d like to kick cancers ass…

With all the advancements I don’t understand

Why people are dying in doctors hands…..

It’s just so unfair and I’m angry and scared

For what if I’m next and completely impaired…

Fighting for life and in the blink of an eye

Now we are forced to say goodbye….

I know cancer happens and this is not the last

But I’d really just love to be able to kick cancers ass…..

Moments Like These….

In moments like these I feel so lost

You were my best friend and now I’m just in a fog….

I don’t know what to say, and surely don’t know what to do

But what I do know is how much I really love you….

You were my voice of reason more often than not

And all I knew then was I loved you a lot….

Heaven is just but a blink away

But here on earth forever I wish you could stay….

If you’d throw in a good word for me while your up there

Forever I’d be grateful from way down here….

I bet Heaven is more beautiful than any if us can imagine

Know that in time we can’t wait to join you in the Lord’s giant mansion…

Saying goodbye for now just seems so final

But I know I’ll see you again when I make my arrival….



She is My Daughter…

My daughter is like a breath of fresh air

I look at her sometimes and it’s just so hard not to stare…

She is such a remarkable, wonderful girl

I know someday a boy will make her head whirl…

I worry so much about her heart getting hurt

He better make his feelings plain and overt…

She will forever be eight in my head and my eyes

He will be very sorry if he should make her cry…

I will whisper to him “I’m not afraid to BACK to prison

For pissing this mother off is deeply forbidden…

I will not hesitate to slowly make you suffer in pain

So do not hurt my daughter it’s not worth what you think you might gain…

Parenting a Teen

Overprotective I am, for it’s not hard to admit

This world is so scary I just want to throw a big fit…

My son is one of the most amazing people in this place

I would be so transformed to never, ever again see his face…

I try not to let the fear paralyze me

But sometimes it’s so hard to just let him be…

I picture my world without his sweet face

A blanket of fear rides in all over this place…

I must let him spread his wings in this very big world

He’s not getting into trouble; I know this for sure

His teen years will go by in a very fast blur…

I worry thinking “Did I teach him just right?”

Then I remember he has his mothers courageous fight…

It’s just so hard to let go of his precious hand

But, I have raised a good boy and a wonderful young man…

I find myself lucky that he’s just drinking soda not beer

Hanging out with his choir class members; I really need not be in fear…

This is his first sleepover since probably fifth grade

I know it’s ok, and my fear needs to be kept at bay….

I raised him and guided him to make good choices

Now its up to him to listen to those voices…