My life today, on all accounts, as of right now, is really wonderful. I have a very loving, hard-working, amazing, and supportive husband. I’ve never met anyone in my life who works harder than that man does. My husband provides me with the opportunity to work part time. I know that he knows that I only work part time. It’s not a secret when you’re only working 12 to 5.
Part of me wonders if my husband even knows this. Does Gary know that because of him I get to live such a beautiful, simple life? It’s not extravagant, but it’s comfortable, tranquil. I love
my life. Because of my husband, I am able to give myself more self-care. This is a luxury not very many people are afforded.What do I do with my time otherwise? I do various things. I play with my bird a lot. Oliver keeps me very entertained. I’m going to start going through things in my house that I just don’t need anymore. Do the happiness cleanse so to speak.  apparently you ask something if it brings you joy and if it doesn’t then you get rid of it. I think it’s brilliant! 
Self-care is going to be the focus of 2020. In more ways than one. Mainly mentally. But I would like to start incorporating some healthier eating and healthier thinking habits. However if I still wanna piece of cheesecake I’m going to eat that damn piece of cheesecake. Because seriously, it’s cheesecake.
I’d like to get one small task done a weekend that I don’t want to do. So, at the end of the day, taking care of something that you don’t want to take care of lifts a feeling of burden and that ends up being self care. For me at least.
I’m not gonna lie. I really do hope 2020 is kinder than 2019. I PRAY it. I came out stronger at the end of 2019. I have done battle scars. I know many other people who have battle scars from 2019 as well. I really, really PRAY that 2020 is kinder to all of us.
I guess now is the time to go do a little closet organizing! 

Tag Archive | positivity
One Word 365
This year’s word:
SELF-CARE
Hey! I’m back. For now. I’d like to commit to blogging again. Mental health has always been my passion to write about. I skip around a lot in this blog. I’m not sorry. I used to be but mot anymore. At least I’m writing again.
I was challenged by a blogger friend I know, to write about one word every day this year. I chose self-care. I’m not sure I can commit to every day. I’m going to try my best to do as much as I can. Try to stay off social media a little bit more. Try to tame the anxiety that runs through me on a daily basis.
Whooo, what a year 2019 was! I know many who would agree! It was it was a time for massive growth and personal reflection.
So, many changes have gone on for me this year. My dearest friend Becky- passed away from a stroke. 2 1/2 weeks later my grandmother passed away. These were deeply devastating events. I miss
both of them so much.
Becky went to soon. THAT was and is devastating.
Grammy was ready. I just miss her wisdom and contagious laugh. I still have voicemails and memos that I can listen to. And that means the world to me.
This year I decided to quit drinking and start therapy after I tried to commit suicide on May 15, 2019. I was in a very dark place. Not taking my medication, and not realizing it because the alcohol was masking it. Or so I thought. You would’ve thought me falling down our wooden staircase drunk, breaking my tailbone, might’ve been the final rock bottom. I guess not.
It is what it is. I’m glad I found my bottom. I’ve never valued my life more. Has it tested my strength? Absolutely. I’ve had a sip here and there. Some people consider I broke my sobriety, but what I learned is that it’s to each their own whether or not we decide that we have broken it.
Well, last night on New Year’s Eve, I broke it. And I’m not sorry. I am the curious cat. I had a drink of wine the other night dinner and about puked. Last night I wanted to try a hard cider. I drank a SMALL glass, and I feel like shit today. I had zero desire to finish it. I suppose that counts because I had a glass. I’m not gonna count months anymore. I’m just going to count my blessings. I have a massively amazing support system. I have many people who tell me that they are proud of me on a regular basis. If I didn’t have this I much support I could’ve relapsed a long time ago. But I didn’t. I’m PROUD OF ME. Even if curiosity got the best of me. I found that after 7 1/2 months of being sober that alcohol is GROSS. I’m happy to report that I have zero desire to drink. I’m lethargic today and just not feeling great. Is it from the alcohol? Who knows, but I’m not willing to do that again. It wasn’t worth it and didn’t even taste that great. I guess I just wanted to see if I could do it. And I did, without overdoing it, but I have no desire to do it again anytime soon. If ever.
This year, I am going to be very careful about the hours that I work, take regular me time, and not allow other people dictate how I should feel about any situation. The people who are in my life right now are who I need. The people who are not in my life, for whatever reason, will always be in my heart. And I believe that we’ll reconnect someday.
For now, I’m going to continue to live my life day by day, minute by minute, second by second. I’ll do what feels right, live my life to the best of my ability. I’m enjoying a quiet life now that my children are adults and have left the nest.
If you happen to know me, I went through a phase this year of getting a miniature pig for 14 hours, that story can come another time. I got a conure who ended up being the devil. So he went back. However, I did end up with the sweetest cockatiel. His name is Oliver and I am obsessed. He is the only lil chicken I’ll ever need. He should live well into his 20s. He’s literally my best friend. We take a ton of silly videos and pictures. He keeps me entertained for hours.
Oliver is part of my self-care. He relaxes me. I love watching him play and all of his different facial expressions and all of his new discoveries. It’s like watching a baby develop. I’ve had him since he was 11 weeks old.
Anyway, I think that’s all for now. I feels good to be back in writing. I hope I can keep it up. I hope that whoever reads this as a beautiful new year. Very prosperous and Gentle to all of us. I know many many people who had a tough 2019. Like 2020 be a little more gentle on us.
Much love to all of you,
B~
Go Love Yourself
This morning one of my friends told me I inspired her. I think those were the words she used. My jaw about dropped to the floor since I don’t look at myself as inspiring in any way. However, as I sit here and write this, I think “why can’t I be inspiring?” I have confessed my mental illness, I most definitely have an eating disorder from years of being told I needed to lose weight. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind for pretty much the last 15 years. I want to be healthy, but it’s certainly not healthy to obsess either. INSTEAD, I am going to work on loving myself right now and taking off the conditions I have put on myself. Like “I’ll love myself more when I lose 10 pounds.” As I write this I realize how RIDICULOUS that even sounds. We want other people to love us unconditionally, but many of us, including myself, aren’t willing to love ourselves unconditionally.
Today is a pretty good day for me mentally. I have woken up all week with 10+ hours of sleep and feeling guilty for not going to the gym. You know what? FUCK IT…..I’m OK!!! The gym does not validate me. GOD validates me. If you don’t believe in God then find something higher than yourself, but also including yourself, and put your value in that. It’s 11:55am and I’m still in my bathrobe, drinking my coffee. I need to go put dinner in the crock pot and get ready to start my day. I work in 30 minutes and I could be telling myself what a loser I am for having done nothing of real importance yet this morning but you know what? Someone told me I inspire them, and that inspired me to write this blog. If it wasn’t for my friend Dawn’s small amount of validation this morning I never would have taken a few minutes to sit down and write this blog. I LOVE to blog. It’s my favorite hobby. I get to sit here and put my thoughts out into the world and hope that someone reads them. Maybe my words will resognate with soemone else. I also get to sit here and watch my cat be a spaz.
Go out and be a FUCKING dragon or a unicorn! Just don’t be an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be intimidated to love yourself. I’m still working on it.
Love,
~B
Kindness, Blame, and Optimism……
2015 did not start out the way that I thought it was going to. In fact it started out in what I thought would be the most amazing way and actually really started out in the most disastrous way. I feel hesitant to get into how much of that is the reason because so many people I know read my blog. But what I can say I’ve learned is that in 2014 and in all the years probably prior to that, I’ve just had a very negative undertone to my life. Things never really went the way that I felt like they should. I never had the job that I wanted; things never turned out in my love life the way I wanted them to. I never really wanted to be a wife or a mother and I am indeed a wife and a mother. And I wouldn’t change this for the world PLEASE let me clarify THAT. I think the children I have were brought into my life to settle me down.
However, I’ve recently learned that when you sit with your thoughts you tend to get angry about the way your life has turned out because you dwell on the “this isn’t fair, this is not the way it was supposed to turn out!” Type of thinking. When I got back from LA at the beginning of the year I still was not in a very good space, it took losing a client (even though there were faults on both sides) it took me almost getting divorced like REALLY, REALLY almost getting divorced to shock me back into reality. And when I say shock me back into reality and shake me back into what I want out of life I mean that I actively had to start seeking out what were the most positive things I had going in my life which is really hard to do when you’ve been thinking about all of the negativity in your life for so long.
It’s not an easy task to just start thinking positively overnight! I went into dialectical behavioral therapy for all the wrong reasons, I went into it as a last ditch effort to save my marriage. I never really went into it for just me; for just the improvements it would do for my life. I guess it’s really no wonder why I was still miserable after two or three months of going to this class and going to therapy and not getting anywhere. I wasn’t applying it to MY life.
There’s a lot of things that I have become extremely bitter about over the years since my first husband died, I have taken them out on my husband now who doesn’t deserve it in the least BIT, if anything he’s just tried to be there for me as a shoulder to lean on and all I do is push him away and be mean to him because I’m angry at my life and the way it turned out which is certainly NOT his fault.
See blame is an easy thing to do because it puts the focus onto something or someone else and never really ever puts the focus back on yourself. The blame causes you to never have to take responsibility for any situation. And while I never really thought that I was doing this, unconsciously and consciously I was doing this the the extreme.
Right now I’m just learning to live in the moment, I’ve never really done that before, I’ve always lived in the past, or lived in the future. I’ve always thought about what could’ve been or thought about how I want things to turn out in the future. But I’ve never really sat in the present and really embraced it. This is the longest I have ever kept one job. As of February 2015 I will have been a nail tech for six years. It is the longest I have ever had a career. I will be honest it has not been my first choice in careers. I have a bachelors degree in psychology and it has been my dream to go on to get my Masters and my PhD. I really hope that I can make those dreams comes true, but for now I really want to enjoy every single person who walks through my doors and listen to their stories and embrace each person with the love, kindness, respect, so that the leave my shop feeling better than when they came in. I know that I will have rough days because I do struggle with borderline personality disorder, but I’m getting better and I can feel it. I was so resistant to medications for so long, but I can feel them working, and as I am applying the dialectical behavioral therapy to my life; in the last week I can also see it working. I am also starting to use a little bit of prayer and meditation. I used to be extremely close to God but that’s a whole Nother story for another time. I still love God very much it’s just another story.
I am learning to think before I speak. I’m learning that I don’t have to be so quick to react, I am learning that I don’t have to fix the situation right now. I’m learning I don’t have to prove that I’m right in every situation even if I feel like I am. Sometimes it’s just better to let things go and roll with it. And if you know me that’s a really hard one….lol.
I hope to prove that a Chemical in balance in the brain does not have to overtake you; that you can be stronger and better than what you’re given in this lifetime. This is just one of the many struggles that I have chosen to write about. To be honest I didn’t realize how incredibly difficult it was going to be to put my whole self out there into the world and talk about myself so blatantly honest the way I have; knowing that I have so many people following me on my blog who know me personally.
Be kind to one another, when you’re out in the world, give a half smile to a stranger, it’s not weird it’s KIND. It’s not flirty it’s just being kind. We live in a time where smiling at people is now considered flirting or a half smile at somebody is interpreted in a devious way. This is so sad to me. Kindness should be so much more implemented in our world and that’s what I would like to see in my life going forward. The children of our society need to see us be kind to one another so that they can grow up and pass that forward. Don’t you want your children or your neighbor children to grow up learning how to be kind and loving? Ponder that today as you go through your day.
Love,
~B
Radical Acceptance…..
So, for those of you that may not be aware…I just started participating in a year-long therapy journey called DBT. It stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. In one word? AMAZING! But at the same time….extremely difficult. This is my second week participating in the group portion of the therapy which I thought I would hate but I totally LOVE! Tonight we talked about RADICAL ACCEPTANCE……take that in for a minute….Radical Acceptance…..
Accepting any situation that you don’t WANT to accept is going to difficult right? Losing a loved one, discovering you have cancer, finding out your spouse has been having an affair, finding out your child is being bullied at school, just the tough stuff that is thrown at us on a daily basis. Even the smaller things like the dishwasher breaking, our child getting sick etc. BUT….to RADICALLY ACCEPT these situations and commit to not focusing on the bad, but accepting that the situation purely “is what it is.” That is HARD!!!!
Tonight we did this activity where we had to write down 5 or 6 adjectives that we felt described us. Then we had to write down the opposite of those adjectives. Our group leader then told us to digest that in fact BOTH lists were true of ourselves. I looked at my lists and at first I was really sad, then I was kind of irritated because I didn’t want the opposites (the negatives) to be true. However, no one is perfect. My list made me a human being and I’m working on improving the negative stuff.
With radical acceptance I can take my problem, and start to solve it, by changing how I feel about it. I can choose to accept it and work on it, or I can stay miserable. Suffering is less intense with acceptance. Let that sink in for a minute. ”
I’ll leave you with this…..but I will write more soon. In the meantime….Is there a situation in your life you can work on radically accepting?
Love,
B~
We’re all a Little ‘Cray Cray’….Life is About Creating Paths and Relationships…
OK, So I just recently started this new journey of therapy. If you haven’t already, there is a whole post dedicated to DBT therapy you can go read on. Simply put? AMAZING!!!! I’ve only been 4 times but I have learned a plethora of information! Isn’t it logical that if your going to walk someone through all the non so warm and fuzzy times of their lives that you would at least prepare them with tools for emotional success and have them practice these before the real therapy begins?
I went to traditional therapy for SIX years people and I am right back where I was but actually I’m worse because that woman totally screwed me up. Anyway….I’ve been to this one 4 time and I think between this and the small amount of medication I let my doctor put me on, I’m suddenly feeling FANTASTIC for the most part this last week! I struggle with anxiety and actively noticed that my anxiety level was at like practical non-existent compared to my high-strung, if it doesn’t go as it should…everything is.going.to.end.FOREVER……
I’M TOTALLY ROCKING OUT TO BANG BANG BY ARIANA GRANDE….(THANKS SON)….LOL
Anyway, I feel great so I’m totally not going to over think it too much and just roll with it because whatever I’m doing is WORKING! lol.
It is hard work though, I’ll be honest. It’s a lot of constant redirection of thinking. It can be a little exhausting BUT it’s getting a little easier each day with practice patience, self acceptance, self-love, etc…..kinda like the whole nail art adventure I’ve currently embarked upon! I mean if I’m going to live this life I want it to be the best, most influential one I can lead!
If I can change from who I was to who I want to be it’ll be the greatest accomplishment I could even make! I also had a BREAKTHROUGH business idea tonight! More on that later….! Seriously, I think it’s borderline genius and I wouldn’t have to quit my job doing nails to do it if I could make it work. But that’s WAY later down the road, BUT exciting nonetheless!
I’ve also gotten to form some really neat connections lately. I never know how long I’ll ever get with a person before they’ll move, on, have to stop getting their nails done for some reason etc. The BEST part of my job HANDS DOWN is sharing life stories and experiences! Doesn’t it make this life not feel so lonely and scary!? Oh, and we can all realize we’re not crazy because there is someone else out there who is just as ‘cray cray’ as they are on some level! I love the relatability factor I have with 95% of my clients. It’s hard to even say the word client and not refer to my clients as “this friend of mine” which oftentimes I do!
Ok, I really am going to try to keep up my blog a little more consistently!
Love
B~
Seize Every Opportunity……
Tonight my son, Taylor, was telling me about one of the new friends he’s made at school. My son is a freshman and has never really hung out with a group of “guys” until just recently. Anyway, he was telling me how humbly this young man and his father live due to his father not making a lot of money. This young man had to grow up fast because his mother abandoned him and his father. They are Hispanic, and it sounds like the father works a crazy amount of hours 6 days a week to provide for his son. Taylor was telling me that they had some deep conversations a few nights ago. One of them caught my ear. He said his friend LOVES to cook, and would make a whole chicken and cornbread every night if he could.
I found this to be an EXCELLENT opportunity to teach my son about human conectivity….seeing a need and helping if possible. I got on Facebook, placed a wanted ad for a free or small fee rotisserie for this young man and his father. In about 10 minutes we got a response from a lady that had one she was willing to donate. Taylor was FLOORED that I cared enough to help his friend. But I know what it’s like to be that kid. I grew up very poor with a single mom who worked whatever hours she could get. It was hard.
I am NOT writing this post to get kudos for doing a good deed. I am writing it because I am hoping to inspire other parents to teach their children about kindness. We are living in a world that’s so “all about me” anymore and it’s sad. We should be helping one another where we can. I use EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY I can get to teach my kids a lesson in something. Every conversation can lead to a moment of opportunity to TEACH.
This conversation turned into me telling Taylor how many times I used to overdraft my checking account when I was a young adult because no one ever taught me what a budget was. This turned into giving him examples of several ways banks work.
I feel fortunate that I am so incredibly close with my children. When I talk, they listen. It’s important to build this foundation of trust from an early age.
I am also learning how to give them a LOT more freedom than I ever thought I would be giving them at their ages. They have earned these privileges. But that’s exactly what they are PRIVILEGES; because as fast as they earn them, if they mess up, they can be taken away. Lack of consistency in your discipline will cause your child to question whether you will stick to what you say. Let your YES be YES and your NO mean NO….PERIOD. DO NOT GIVE IN! Let them cry, throw fits, whatever, but do not give in because the second you do, they just learned that they can manipulate you to get what they want if their persistent long enough.
Every single moment is a learning opportunity; it’s your job to spot them and work the conversation into that opportunity without making it sound like a lecture. I’m a total softie when it comes to my kids when they are doing well, but I am a total hard-ass when they are screwing up. It’s a fine balance. It’s not easy and sometimes I stop to question if I am doing it right. But I know that I am doing the best I know how. My goal is to teach my kids all the lessons that I didn’t learn as growing up. Isn’t that the point? To break the cycle of dysfunction and help our children achieve their lives dreams?
So commit….if you are a mom or a dad it is your DUTY to commit to your child everyday. I know I am not perfect but I do give a lot of good advice I’m told. If you have a parenting question that you would like to ask please feel free to email me at nailtechconfessionals@gmail.com. Your question might be something someone else if wondering as well. We are a community, let’s help one another! If I don’t know the answer to your question, I will simply tell you. I won’t make you THINK I know what I’m talking about. I will write more on this later but I am really tired and gonna head to bed.
Loves,
~B
Why I hate being a wife….
Simply put? Because I’m not good at it and I hate to fail….
OK, just so you know, I approach most hard-to-deal-with subjects with humor, because it makes me feel better about my short-comings as a human being, because quite frankly I SUCK at this human thing quite a bit…especially the wife part….
Let see…Me as a wife in a nutshell… I am controlling, stubborn, mean, always right, egotistical, self-centered, impulsive, narcissistic, and sometimes down-right cruel.
My husband? Completely the opposite of me….kind, loving, thoughtful, others-centered, patient, good-natured, WONDERFUL overall husband!
How we’re still together? It can ONLY be GOD! It is the ONLY explanation I have….
I won’t lie, I pride myself on the inside about being good at many things that I do. I feel I am good at raising well-balanced children, maintaining a decent small business, and being a good friend. The one thing I SUCK the most at? Being a wife. It’s the one area that I contradict myself the most on. I expect things out of marriage that I am not necessarily always willing to give in return. I am not good with compromise, and I’m not good with forgiveness. Now…don’t get me wrong, I expect all of these from my husband, BUT I am not always great about returning the grace. It’s a terrible quality to have, I am NOT bragging clearly. Being a mother did not come naturally to me either. It took me YEARS to figure it out. I won’t say I have mastered it, but I think I am pretty good. But being a wife? Not so much….
Ugh….I have been married (this time) for 5 1/2 years (I don’t count the first one since he passed away, and I wasn’t married to the kids dad). Now and I can tell you that it’s been pretty miserable for my husband. It hasn’t ALL been bad, and I absolutely do not take full responsibility for where things have gone wrong. I wish I put my foot down FASTER in some areas, would’ve been more assertive in other areas, BUT the one thing I WASN’T, was NICE and LOVING. I feel like I was generally nice at first (like in the beginning), but when the results weren’t what I thought they should be; I was a venomous snake. See, I believe that I am right about things like 90% of the time, and truly I do believe this. I have had a lot of life experience and I think I am very smart, and intuitive most of the time. I had a marriage counselor once tell me, “You can be 100% right and be dead WRONG at the same time.” I was very confused by this statement. What she meant was, you can be right about something but completely wrong in your delivery, making the other person not even wanting to hear you out. How true is that? I will agree with her that it is true, but I am hot-headed with a short temper. Ask anyone who’s ever dated me.
I am working on this and I have a VERY patient husband. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like everyday of his life has been a living hell, CLOSE…(lol) but not everyday. I have done some things to make it better, and I will share these with you.
1. Kids, I learned early on that our kids are our kids SEPARATELY, meaning “You parent yours and I’ll parent mine.” We have very different parenting styles and I prefer mine. Clearly my kids have to do what they’re told by him, and be respectful to him, but for the most part I do the “parenting” portion with my children…I prefer it this way. It’s not the way I WANTED it when we got married but it is unfortunately the way it ended up. Step-families are very complicated and just because you think you have it all figured out BEFORE you get married, well I hate to say it my friends, but I bet you are sorely disappointed if you, yourself, are in a step-family situation. If you CAN parent together in this situation, my hats are off to you!
2. Money, You make yours and I will make mine. If it were up to me, we’d have separate accounts and just split all the bills evenly, but it’s working OK how it is jointly, we just don’t see eye to eye on how to handle our finances. I say that if this is the case, and you make a fairly equal amount of money or can split the bills evenly so that its overall fair, and everyone is happy…DO IT! Finances are NOT worth fighting about especially when it can be solved with separate checking accounts. I am completely for this. My husband is not, which is fine, we shall continue to see how this works out….
3. Sex, I have a TERRIBLE sex drive. There are 5 MILLION different reasons why this is and I will only list a couple…I think a lot of this is attributed to the fact that my estrogen was sky-high at 654 (it should be at 124, and is currently at 234). According to my doctor this is what has made me want to KILL anyone and everyone in my path (my whole life) about 2 weeks out of the month. She actually asked me how I wasn’t locked up in a loony bin with these numbers. (I asked her if she could admit me to the loony bin just so I could “go on vacation” for a few days. She got a good chuckle out of that. I also had like NO progesterone. Sky high estrogen – no progesterone = a VERY BITCHY woman! My doctor has me on progesterone, an estrogen blocker, and just before Thanksgiving I recently asked for an anti-depressant because the hormone control was not working solely as a problem solver like I thought it would. I LOVE my anti-depressant! I would eat that stuff like it was damn candy! If you’re wondering, so you can get yourself some happiness, and will-power to live, I am on Wellbutrin (300mg) BEST SHIT EVER!!! No weight gain side effects, and I think my sex drive has slightly improved.
I really am trying a harder to be a better wife but sometimes its just HARD! I don’t want to compromise and most of the time, lately, I just want to be alone, which isn’t fair to my husband obviously. It’s not like I don’t like him or love him, I totally do, but sometimes being married interferes with what I want to do, decisions I want to make without consulting another human being etc. I KNOW this is selfish so you don’t have to tell me. I am a MAJOR work in process and quite frankly I don’t know how he does it most weeks. Personally I don’t want to put up with me most days, so I really think God sent an angel because ONLY an angel could put up with me 99% of the time. Clearly I am very difficult….but hey, like I said, I am a work in progress…
So Husband, IF you read this, please know that I love you, I am completely aware of my shortcomings, and I am working on trying to be better…but I think it is going to take my whole life to really get it right….So for all the things I may do in the future that are shitty, I would like to take the time NOW to apologize…just to save time. lol
Love,
~B
Talk around the shop….(Or is it therapy?)
Some of the topics I discussed this week with my beloved clients…I build STRONG bonds with people everyday. Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry. It’s more like 1 1/2 hours of therapy than clients coming to get their nails done. I love that they can open up so easily to me with such personal information…I have the BEST “job” ever!
1. I am going to court about my divorce this week…
2. I named my tumor “Bob”, so now I just blame everything on “Bob”
3. I had a baby that died at the hands of his father at 6 months old…
4. I am working to save my marriage because I know it’s what God wants
5. My granddaughter is getting her bone marrow tests done…she has leukemia
6. I woke up to my boyfriend slamming his elbow into my back when I was 4 months pregnant because he was drunk
7. My husband might have to go on deployment to Afganistan
8. I’m moving to Arizona…I will miss you Bridget and hope we can stay friends. (I am SOOO sad)….
9. I’m meeting Norman Reedus this weekend!
10. I have a step-daughter that thinks her father is dead….
11.My niece died from an accidental overdose on Tuesday…
12. I’m pretty sure I failed as a mother even though I loved them so much. I loved them to much by giving them whatever they want….
View from my shop…Perks of working from home.
Love….
I’m feeling so sad tonight. Love can be so tragic, so mind-blowing, so altering of our every existence. It is beautiful, heart warming, and phenomenal, and at the same time it can be draining and heartbreaking. Two of my most favorite people in the world are most likely breaking up. One of these people I am much closer to than the other, but he became a brother to me of sorts. He always made me stop and think about my actions when I was disgruntled in my own marriage….He always made me think about the ramifications of divorce and loss. I guess it’s hard to understand how two beautiful people can’t coexist due to difficulties that can’t be seen eye to eye on. How can we be so stubborn that we can’t just lie down what the other person needs from us and realize that healthy relationships are based on compromise? Now don’t get me wrong, I am NO expert on love. I am one of the most selfish people on the planet when it comes to getting my way. I really am trying to work on this, but in a blended family that can be hard. I wish I could have had a better model for what love should’ve been growing up, but I didn’t, and I suppose that’s ok. It is what it is. I’ve been through lots of years of counseling and love has been the sole topic of conversation more times than I can count. I’ve always been one of those people to have “One foot out the door” so to speak. I know that is not an awesome quality to portray so I am again, “working on it.” When it comes to “bad relationships” I am full of advice and wit, as I have been in lots of those. I listen to women all day long talk about how their husbands have cheated on them, how their boyfriends are mean and selfish, story after story about heartache and pain. Most of these girls are young and just have to learn by going through it and realizing nothing will probably ever change. My heart aches for each one of these young ladies because I have been in their exact same shoes before and, like them, I probably wouldn’t have listened to advice either. I just want to take each of these young ladies under my wing, play movie clips of my former marriage, so they can see what I have been through, because it parodies their life so incredibly much.
The problem? We all learn on our own and at our own rate. We all think that “our situation” will be different, that we will be the ones to show everyone that they were wrong and we CAN change the person we’re with. If we leave just ONE MORE TIME, then maybe the other person will turn their life around and quit being selfish. Sometimes it works, I know a girl about my age that it did work for, but he WANTED his family more than his alcoholic behavior; he’s a new man, a man that has allowed his testimony to be used for the good of others, she is one of the few and lucky ones.
It’s hard when you realize that you really love both people involved in a (potential) breakup and in this instance it’s even harder as my heart can only be loyal to one. I sit here and I cry, a deep cry, because I feel the loss and the pain. Maybe something can be done to save it…I will hold out hope because I never saw this coming….
I didn’t bother to edit this piece much, so it’s raw and not grammatically completely correct I’m sure. I’m trying to type through all the tears. Many of the pieces I have written I have cried during, but since they were so personal I took several days to edit. This is just raw….
~B
First Song My Husband Ever Played For Me….
“The One”
No rush though I need your touch
I won’t rush your heart
Until you feel on solid ground
Until your strength is found, girl
I’ll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I’ll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”
Somebody else was here before
He treated you unkind
And broken wings need time to heal
Before a heart can fly, girl
I’ll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I’ll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”
Trust in me and you’ll find a heart so true
All I want to do is give the best of me to you
And stand beside you
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”
Lyrics ~ Gary Allan
Our first date….
Never Grow Up…..
Your little eyelids flutter cause you’re dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything’s funny, you got nothing to regret
I’d give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won’t let nobody hurt you, won’t let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up
You’re in the car on the way to the movies
And you’re mortified your mom’s dropping you off
At 14 there’s just so much you can’t do
And you can’t wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don’t make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she’s getting older too
And don’t lose the way that you dance around in your pj’s getting ready for school
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
No one’s ever burned you, nothing’s ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up
Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother’s favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone
So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It’s so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on
Wish I’d never grown up
I wish I’d never grown up
Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won’t let nobody hurt you
Won’t let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don’t you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up
Lyrics~ Taylor Swift
Love,
Mom
Hi, My Name is Victoria….
My mom is giving me permission to share my story with her followers in hopes maybe someone out there would like to help me….
Hi my name is Victoria, I am almost 13 years old and I am here to tell you my story… I’ve dreamt to do 4-H ever since I was about 8. I got this amazing offer to do 4-H and be in the fair this year by leasing a horse from my mom’s friend. My mom is making me raise $700 of it to teach me hard work and dedication… Here is my story, hope you enjoy.
My mom got my first horse when I was 8. When I rode her I just knew that my love was for horses. I remember my mom, my brother, and I we were at Costco and my mom told us that we got a horse. I literally jumped up from the table and hugged her so tight. That was the most exciting day for me. My horse’s name was Bella, but she didn’t really work out so we had to give her away. It was a very sad day for me…She was to stubborn and not the right horse for me.
When I was 9 my mom got us another horse named Tonka. She would always say “His name is Tonka, like a Tonka truck.” Tonka was the perfect horse. I loved him so much. I remember me and my mom use to go on trail rides with him. I used to ride him in an arena and I just kinda felt free when I was riding him. I felt like nothing could get in my path when I was riding Tonka. My mom and I would go to the barn every other day to clean out stalls to work off some of his board. I never once complained that we had to go out there and clean the stalls, even if it was night time. I was so determined that I would make the owner of the barn happy and pleased with who she picked to clean her stalls. I even made my mom come over and check if it was good enough to call it good and go on to the next stall. I was so determined to do a good job. But Tonka had a cribbing problem and my mom couldn’t find a new place to board him. So we had to sell him. I didn’t get to say goodbye to him (that’s not my moms fault though). The lady who came to get him could only come when I was in school. I cried so hard that night. Even to this day when I even talk about him, think about him, or even see a picture of him I still cry.
I’m in 7th grade and it’s a really hard year for me. But I’m getting the hang of it. I have a 3.8 GPA, I’m on the honor role, I made the basketball team and I haven’t played basketball a day in my life, but I was determined that I really wanted to play. I worked really hard, and practiced and I made the team. I am hoping I can do the same thing with 4-H. I’m strong, determined, and passionate. Last year I really wanted to go to this Summer camp but I needed about $150 to pay for it. So I decided to make scarves and charge $12 for each one. I earned a little bit over $200. That is how determined I was. When I want something I go after it no matter how much work it takes or how much time it takes. I plan on doing this with 4-H. I’m making scarves for $15, I’m babysitting, doing more house/yard work around my house. I will do whatever people want me to do. I will do whatever it takes to earn the $700 I need.
I feel that I am going to learn a lot doing 4-H because it takes time and patience. If i don’t get it right the first time I’ll just keep practicing till I do. I realize that all these hours at the barn everyday, all the riding lessons I take, all the work I do outside the barn is going to pay off. In the end I will be in 4-H, I will be in the fair and all of the work I did will definitely pay off in the end. I feel like doing this will make me feel like I can achieve anything that life throws at me. I also heard that 4-H gives out scholarships for college, maybe I can apply for one since I will be going to college after high school.
Since I have to earn part of the money to pay for this and my mom is paying for a lot to, I am willing to give up my big 13th Birthday party I was planning and my Summer. I am totally fine with doing this. In the Summer it is going to be hot and I’m going to be in pants, shirt, and helmet. I am going to be spending about 7-10 hours at the barn 5 days a week, but if I’m with a horse I am perfectly fine. I don’t care if it is hot. I am so dedicated to this I will do whatever it takes to have my dream come true.
I hope you can see my passion and determination, I will work whatever I have to do in order to earn the money. I know there are a lot of people who ask for donations. I will do whatever you want me to do to earn the money, I don’t expect it to be handed to me.
My mom has set me up a gofundme.com account for people who might want to donated money to me who see my story and want to help me but are not local people. I want you to know that I wrote this letter by myself, my mom only edited my misspelled words.
Sincerely,
Victoria D.
Here is the link to my donation account….
http://www.gofundme.com/66u5cc
Me and my first horse, Bella….
This is Tonka….I miss him…
Me leading my older brother around on Bella when I was 7…
In My Daughter’s Eyes….
One of the pictures from the fall photo shoot I took
OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! This little angel with blonde hair and brown eyes was LISTENING and IMPLEMENTING things I was teaching her. She was quickly becoming a confident little girl who accepted nothing less than to be treated with fairness. Soon enough she was telling her friends at school, “If that’s a choice your going to make than I can’t hang out with you.” One of my favorite memories was when my daughter was in 6th grade, she actually TEXTED her friend’s MOM and told the mom that her friend wasn’t wearing her helmet while skateboarding to school. She said to me, “Mom I warned her that I was going to text her mom, I told her that all it takes is ONE time for her to fall off her skateboard and she could get SERIOUSLY INJURED!” I thought I was going to pee my pants from laughing so hard and being so proud of her at the same time! Victoria was quickly becoming a young adult I could respect.
I’ve always desired to be close to my daughter; she will be 13 in March. She has always been more of my stoic child,; not showing as much emotion as my son. She rarely cries except when she’s truly hurt physically or emotionally. However, I would like that to change about her, I would like to see her be more vulnerable…not just to anyone, just to me. While we are very close, I desire to have a closer relationship with her. While I know I can’t be her best friend quite yet, I do desire to find a friendship with her that is more than just being her mom. We have a BLAST together. We are always, laughing and playing around. This year has been our toughest year by far but I also think it’s whats helped draw us closer. Victoria started 7th grade this year…yes I know….middle school nightmares. I will tell you this, I am not sure who was more of a basket case the first 12 weeks of school her or me. Victoria has always struggled academically compared to her brother, but I have never compared them. Victoria just requires studying harder. The first nine weeks of school I thought were going to kill me emotionally. New friends, new grading system, new clothes style, but the newest development???….BOYS (this is new, and its SCARY), and I’m pretty sure that there were a few time I thought I was going to go over the edge of insanity.
She met this boy, we will call him “Jon.” This kids started pursuing my daughter in August before school started. I finally allowed her to have him over when we were having a giant pool party. He was a nice enough kid, but I kept my eye on him. As the story goes he broke her little heart by taking another girl to the movies when she was grounded, and she cried. Then of course, like the douche bag most 13-year-old boys are he declared “I made a mistake, please take me back!” and unbeknownst to me….she did. We sat down and had a real heart to heart talk about boys. I told her, if your willing to accept that this young man took some girl that you can’t stand to the movies then what will you be willing to allow boyfriends in the future to do? I proposed several scenarios in regards to her later years:
Me: “What will you do when your boyfriend of one year tells you that he expects you to have sex with him on the night of your junior prom when you are 16, or 17 years old?
Victoria: Of course I will tell him NO! I won’t be ready for that!”
Me: (playing the boy) “Well if you decide that you’re not going to give it up then we are going to break up, because we’ve been together for over a year and all my friends are having sex and I’m tired of waiting!”…..(as I proceed to look my daughter dead in the eye and say to her with the most absolute seriousness….”THIS-HAPPENS-ALL-THE-TIME.” She looked and me and said, “Seriously?” And I said, “absolutely!” The look in her eyes told me that what I was telling her was CLICKING!
I went on to tell her that she has to learn how to completely ground herself in her morals and values so that she will not be shaken to waver. I told her that if she starts accepting small douche baggy things from boys NOW, that she will eventually start accepting even bigger jack-ass moves as she gets older and it starts running into her adult life…(I wish I would’ve had someone to tell me these things when I was a young adult). She said to me “I never thought about it that way, but that totally makes sense!” I let him stomp all over my heart and then I TOOK HIM BACK!? WHAT WAS I THINKING??? My only response was; “Sweetie, you were thinking with your heart, and not with your head, and this is very common. However, if you condition yourself NOW as to what you will put up with and what you won’t then hopefully you will have less heartache and make better choices when it comes to guys.” (Mind you she isn’t allowed to GO anywhere with a boy at all! This is just what they call it at school…(you remember right)?
I want to teach my daughter to NOT accept what society is telling her is OK, but to accept what she knows to be true and right when it comes to her morals, and integrity. My daughter continues to make me proud, but when she messes up she knows it. Victoria is pretty aware that she is spoiled with “stuff”, but as fast as that “stuff” was given to her, it can be taken away just as fast! I take absolutely no crap from my kids’ I also try to be fair and just. I believe in giving them JUST ENOUGH rope to hang themselves with. My kids also know that if they DO hang themselves the consequences are not remotely worth whatever poor choice they have made. So far, I am very proud of both my kids. I am so proud of Victoria for removing herself from a few girls that didn’t have her best interest in mind and realizing that if a guys breaks your heart he’s out of luck….there is no room to be a douche bag to anyone.
In my daughter’s eyes, I want to be her hero, I want to be her voice of reason, the person she can go to when she needs truth and honesty, because no one else will give it to her….
Enough said….I hope my story can help other parents of young girls….
~B
Victoria sitting with Kay, Victoria made the scarf Kay is wearing….
Learning how to water plants and take care of the water feature in our backyard….
Another pic from the fall photo shoot I did….
Not always…..
I want to make something really clear. I LOVE to write! I love to hear what people have to say in regards to my writings. What I need you to understand is that I will NOT always be inspirational. Sometimes I will be off colored, and possibly a little crude. Inspirational is who I genuinely am, but I am also light-hearted with wit and humor. I sometimes like to go for “shock effect” so to speak. This is also part of who I am. I do NOT want to be thought of as some stuffy, uptight Christian girl who thinks life is all about rainbows and unicorns, because this would NOT be an accurate picture of me as a full person. Sometimes I feel like I have turrets syndrome and say the most RANDOM things like, “You face looks like a giant vagina, you should wax your lip and chin!” (just an example, I have never actually said this…BUT I have thought it!) It’s because I seriously have a weird sense of humor. I’m also very open about my life which is cause for LOTS of feedback, which is fine. If you have the need to tell me that you feel like I and “going to hell” then you are certainly welcome to do that, but know that I will strike back so hot that you will wish that you kept your mouth shut….This is MY blog, and MY life, so I am going to run the show, not my readers. Would I LOVE to have a giant group of followers someday? Absolutely! But that takes time. I am NOT looking for instant fame, or for fame at all. I am looking for people to follow me who are REAL. People who have everyday, shitty problems, that sometimes need a laugh. I want to provide humor, wit AND inspiration. There can be balance. So I will say this now, I am SORRY if I offend you in any way as that is not my intention. However, I am a human being with real thoughts and feelings and I plan to show it off from time to time. Life is short, and I plan to be whoever I want to be without dictation from anyone. As long as I am not hurting anyone than I don’t remotely see a problem. If you start to read a piece I’ve written and decide “This post isn’t for me” then I encourage you to immediately click out of it. BUT….DO NOT JUDGE ME….some of you know me and some of you don’t. I wear many hats and like I said, while I like to be inspirational, I also like to be a bit off colored; its part of what makes me….ME…..
~B
This random psychedelic bus I saw parked at the beach last summer. I was enamored that someone DROVE this! AWESOME!
My friend Cristy and I at a reggae concert last summer! OMG!!! One of the most fun nights ever! (I am on the left).
My children…they TOTALLY take after their mother!
My motto in life…..
Confessions of a Nail Tech 