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I am Narcissism…You May Hear Me Roar…

Feb12

I was going to start a different blog to talk about this because it is fairly hard for me to discuss. I wanted it to be anonymous but I realized the reason for this is so that I didn’t have to be accountable to the many people who know me and are following me. It doesn’t happen all the time, but there are times where I go into a super self-righteous, bitch mode.(generally never at work). There are many areas of my life that I have fixed and sometimes I can’t understand why people don’t LISTEN to me….If you are ever caught in this cross-fire, I apologize now…..maybe…

See, I have had a TON of life experience. I don’t understand sometimes why people don’t listen to me more often. Now I don’t claim to know EVERYTHING, but I do claim to know A LOT….Unfortunately this doesn’t always come out loving and kind. Sometimes it comes out as a know-it-a-l-l-….Generally this side of me only comes out to immediate family members (Sorry hubby) but sometimes it can come across to family and friends as crazy narcissism.

I still might start another blog for such conversations because I have so much to say and sometimes I just don’t know how to come across “politically correct” nor do I feel like I should have to. But because so many clients and friends are following me, I just don’t know how comfortable I am talking about such personal things even though this is why I designed this blog! I feel super sad, and super confused….

I would love some insight….Do you have another blog that no one knows about?

Narcissist

The Church and It’s People…

Feb9

This morning I am sitting here so quiet and so still

Wondering why God has brought me to this place in my life

A transition for sure as I examine my will…

So much pain, so much sorrow, happiness too…

In my world I’m content which seems so taboo

I’d like to think I’ve made a nice life for myself

Then a man points out I’ve put God on a shelf

I won’t deny that part of this statement is true

The church that I went to often made me feel blue

Church is supposed to be an uplifting place

I would leave most Sundays with a confused look on my face

He’d say; “Go out and love others as Jesus would do”

Then say, but But don’t hang with sinners for their a bad influence on you

I was constantly confused for I never knew my place

For many good reasons I stopped attending this place

For me it’s about what God does in your heart

A church is just a building as I see it for the most part

I do miss the fellowship with like-minded people

But I don’t need the building to find such people

I have many clients I have found who love God

Most all of us have been hurt and feel like we’re in some kind of fog

Don’t let one man stand in your way you say

He has no business pastoring in my opinion anyway

He is a self righteous, arrogant man

Who has no business being up on the stand

He is not a people person you say to me

Then why is he pastoring people to lead?

It confuses me as to why God has chosen this man to lead

But I suppose I should not question the one higher than me

I will find out my answers when he calls me home

Until then I’d like to be left alone

Alone meaning not badgered for what I feel or believe

For just because its right for you does not mean its right for me

I think that your view of me is not quite as it should be

But I also believe church has done this to keep you away from me

You made judgements that aren’t even remotely true

For friends don’t do that they come and listen to you

10 years of friendship and you don’t come ask me straight up

You just assume that you see me for what you think you should see

I will tell you my friend that yesterday was quite hurtful as you told me to give up things I don’t even frequently do

We have barely seen each other these last few years so don’t assume that you know me like you used to

Just because you can get past the hurt and the pain

Does not mean that I can do the same

I do not feel like my anger is all consuming

I just wont put myself in the same position to be hurt once again

You say, “She doesn’t know that she hurt you so bad”

Well yes she does because I told her my brother

She appologized for the way she behaved 11 months later

But 11 months is so long when you finally loathe her

She slowly turned everyone against me, I think even you, though you don’t seem to see

Which is a travesty because you are like a brother to me

You can not raise your voice thinking I will listen

It makes me shut down and lash out later as I’ve given myself some time to reason

Who do you think you are accusing me of such things?

You clearly don’t know me and the rest is history….

Maybe someday we can see eye to eye

But please don’t assume I sit around and just lie

I feel like I’m nothing but brutally honest

And for you to question me is what is the oddest

I will come to the funeral my brother

But it will be the last time I step foot in that place

For no one who matters cares enough to see the hurt in my face

I feel so happy you are in a peaceful place

But the hurt that I have was written all over my face

All you could do was tell me I was wrong

Feelings are feelings regardless of fault

Maybe I can say you are a better person than I

But I think many people like me for me

I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not

Not saying you do I just feel so caught

My silence is about to be no more

I will end this here as I say I love you once more….

Thank you….

Feb9

I’d like to thank the people who follow my blog

It’s just an account of the voices that I sit here and log….

I don’t feel worthy to have 50+ peeps

Thank you for sharing this journey and taking the leap!

The things that I write just come off the top of my head

I don’t spend a lot if time editing; I just write what I feel needs to be said…

So many blogs you could choose to follow

You’ve chosen mine and I thought I’d fly solo…

Thank you to everyone who Likes my posts

Comments are fun for I love to interact; it makes this whole blog thing so fun to host!

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The Pain

Feb8

Crying brings such an emotional relief

Relief that can come when your really in need….

God knows the pain that’s so deep within

I’m crying and crying over my friend…

True friends only come but once in awhile

She was one person who could always make me smile….

The anguish I feel is so deep and unreal

I want it to be over and for my soul to heal…

She’s not even passed but the moment is soon

I saw her today at 9:30 and left around noon….

She will no longer be in pain, as she gets to go hang with Jesus

But it’s hard for us here when we don’t want her to leave us….

The River

Feb8

The river is beautiful just as God planned

Beautiful waters rushing over the rocks and the sand….

Waterfalls rushing into beautiful streams

I then see the river rushing towards me…..

Scenery so beautiful you just stop in the glare

It’s a beauty you see rarely so it’s hard not to stare…

Waterfalls and rivers are all Gods creation

Feeling so grateful to live in such a beautiful region….

Southern Oregon has some of the most beautiful places

Take some time to explore these extraordinary destinations….

~B

I’d Like to Kick Cancers A–!!

Feb8

I sit hear thinking and feeling so sad

Thinking I’d like to kick cancers ass…

With all the advancements I don’t understand

Why people are dying in doctors hands…..

It’s just so unfair and I’m angry and scared

For what if I’m next and completely impaired…

Fighting for life and in the blink of an eye

Now we are forced to say goodbye….

I know cancer happens and this is not the last

But I’d really just love to be able to kick cancers ass…..

Face it, We all Have Closets

Feb7

I think everyone should take a moment to examine their own closets….

Confessions of a Nail Tech's avatarConfessions of a Nail Tech

This is one of the most inspirational videos I have ever watched. It has helped me realize how we all “have closets” and we need to not measure our hard to everyone else’s hard and just commiserate that we all have closets.”

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Moments Like These….

Feb7

In moments like these I feel so lost

You were my best friend and now I’m just in a fog….

I don’t know what to say, and surely don’t know what to do

But what I do know is how much I really love you….

You were my voice of reason more often than not

And all I knew then was I loved you a lot….

Heaven is just but a blink away

But here on earth forever I wish you could stay….

If you’d throw in a good word for me while your up there

Forever I’d be grateful from way down here….

I bet Heaven is more beautiful than any if us can imagine

Know that in time we can’t wait to join you in the Lord’s giant mansion…

Saying goodbye for now just seems so final

But I know I’ll see you again when I make my arrival….

Love,

~B

Kay…

Feb5

How do we process death being so final?

It seems like only yesterday when all I did with you was smile…

Now the world seems to be fading away

But I know when you go, with God you will stay…

How amazing you will feel no longer in pain

But without you hear there will be so much pain…

You are an angel on earth who has taught so many

I can’t believe there will be a day that there isn’t any…

You are but one of the most amazing people I have met

I feel lucky that God put us both in his net…

Until the next time I see you again

I want you to know Kay, your forever my friend….

Ode to a Special Friendship…

Feb5

I don’t know how you stay so strong

I wish I knew how to be strong; like the rock your upon…

Your friendship is like no other I’ve seen

I want to put you in my pocket and just keep you with me…

How do you know just when to care?

When all I can do is just stand at a distance and stare…

God has you so closely wrapped in his hands

I know you will be safe when reality lands…

You have grown so much in all of these years

Through triumph, happiness and all of our fears…

I didn’t believe that we would always be friends

But now I know that we’ll be friends till the end…

I want you to know I will always be here for you

I know in my heart you’ll be there for me to…

“I love you” comes only once in awhile

But when I hear you say it it just makes me smile…

You are but a rock that I see so mighty and strong

And I know that our friendship will carry on…

Through years of happiness, troubles, and grief

You are the rock in many of my beliefs…

While one was to you, believe me, you are to another

I can’t imagine you not in my life like a baby to it’s mother…

Once grown apart and brought together again

I will never take our friendship again in vain…

Soon this will pass and we will be left with our tears

But I know we will have each other to share our fears…

You are my friend and many years have passed

I just want you know Pam, I believe our friendship will last…

Teachers in my area plan to strike AND I SUPPORT IT!

Feb4

OK, two days ago I was on the phone for over an hour with one of Victoria’s teachers. Here is what I got out of the conversation: Phil Long states that our kids will continue to receive a “quality education.” My response to this is” “How will my kids receive a quality education when they are being BUSSED to a DIFFERENT school for 4 hours a day! That is absolutely absurd. We are in a different society now than we were many years ago and it is very scary. What if some random act of violence happens because of this. I know this is a possibility regardless, but it could REALLY be a possibility now! I could go into all of the “what if’s” but I’m not going to. Also, our kids will be getting packets to learn with and that is not a quality education. The strike will continue for as long as there is no agreement Amber. Also, this is going to cost the school board 500k a WEEK to hire and put up these 600 substitute teachers! Why won’t the district put that money into OUR teachers instead of bullying them into signing an unfair contract!? The district also came to the Medford teacher 5 years ago and said they were going to be 11 million dollars short. The Medford teachers decided they would help the district by paying more in benefits, and making some other compromises; the district PROMISED the teachers that when the economy got better and they received more money they would go in and take care of the teachers who made these compromises in order to help the district. The district received 9 MILLION DOLLARS a little over a year ago and NOT ONE PENNY went to the teachers. INSTEAD, administrators got quite a stealthy raise, money was put into several programs, and they hired 14 new teachers! I am just sickened by what I am hearing because the media is not reflecting the TRUTH from the teachers, they are only enlightening the public on what the district WANTS the public to THINK. I am so incredibly glad that I dug deep tonight and had this in depth conversation with my daughters teacher. I have made my decision…my kids will NOT be attending school while the strike is happening. I want to keep my kids safe, and I want to send a message to the district AND my kids that you can not BULLY people into doing what you want them to do! Isn’t this what we teach our children in the first place? This isn’t about money, this is about what is RIGHT and JUST! I personally feel that this is an opportunity to teach my kids to stick up for what is right. To dig deep and find out the answers!

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Mantra Monday: Perfectly Imperfect

Feb3

Wonderful message

Meg Everingham's avataryogalina

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Can’t we all benefit from this simple reminder? Constantly striving for perfection is an unrealistic & burdensome way to live. Letting your authentic self shine, cracks and all, will inspire others to let go of the confines of the perfection game too.

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Dear Craig….Did You Know?

Feb2

This was published on another blog site. I was so honored…

Dear Craig,

I was 24 and fairly naive when you met me. You were 16 years my senior. Did you really think it would work out with me? Did you have any idea the kind of corruption that you would leave on a fairly innocent young girl? You were my mailman at work, we had an instant connection, I know you felt it too. I met you in August 2002, by February 2003 we were having sex in the backseat of my car while our significant others were at home taking care of our children. I look back and feel so horribly guilty…..

I look back now and think about how selfish we were. There is no denying how much fun we had together that summer in 2003. We were so carefree and so incredibly selfish. It was the first time I ever tried smoking pot and decided I LOVED it. It was the first time I tried almost anything we ever did together. It was the first time I ever fished, camped as an adult, jet skied, played cribbage with someone other than my grandparents. The first time I traveled out of the country, the first time I went to a baseball game, the first time I went to San Francisco. The first time I ever had a step-daughter whom I loved so dearly. The first time I shot a gun….the same gun that you committed suicide with. You shot yourself in the HEART, in OUR BED I guess I should thank you for not ruining your viewing. How could you leave me to clean up such a mess? How dare you! Did you know that I was called that evening and blamed for your death because I chose to move out in hopes that you would clean up your act?

Did you know how much I loved you? Did you know that I gave up everything in my world to make you happy, but at the expense of my young children? You didn’t care, you were self-involved. When things were good, they were really great, but when things were bad they were really bad. You were always giving me false hope. Do you remember getting so drunk that you hit your chin and bled all over our floors for 2 days before you called me…it ended up that you broke your neck….one millemeter over and you would’ve been paralyzed forever. Do you remember tearing the wine bottle out of my hands as I cried and my knee got shoved into a screw? You were arrested and forced into rehab. But still, 4 months later you didn’t change.

Do you remember our first Christmas as a married couple? You were drunk….and the next year you were drunk again….it was a never-ending cycle with you. I look back and wonder why I loved you so much. Why did I put so much effort into someone who clearly didn’t give a shit about me or my children. I pretty much missed the first 6 and 8 years of my children’s lives by trying to take care of you, before I realized that YOU had to want it. But you didn’t want it. You chose the cowardly way out. You chose to get drunk, load your gun, put it up to your chest and SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEART! HOW???? No note, no anything, just leaving all of us with unanswered questions, hurt and pain. Do you care? Are you remorseful? Would you take it back? Did you have second thoughts as you pulled the trigger?

Did you know that I had to go back to our house the day you committed suicide because we grabbed the wrong paperwork in the garage…the real paperwork I needed was under our bed. Did you know that I bravely walked into our bedroom, saw the hole in the mattress and touched it to see if it was real? Did you know I looked under the bed to see if the bullet went all the way through? Did you know I cried next to your bullet hole until Kay had to drag me out of our bedroom? Did you know that I missed you for years? I missed our fun, I didn’t miss the drama. I focused for years on the fun, because it was too hard to focus on all the bad. I glorified you like you were such a great husband when in reality you were the WORST husband. Did you know that every time you told me I needed to lose weight that I would starve myself for days? Did you know that everyday that I came home I wondered what I was going to be coming home to?

I can’t help but wonder why God allowed you into my life. Maybe it was to make me realize that I needed to be a devoted mother. Was it a lesson in cheating? Did God allow you to commit suicide because we started out as an affair? Did God take you from me because he knew I needed permanent relief from your addict ways? Did God know that you were hurting more people than it was worth? I will never understand why you did what you did. I can’t imagine the hurt and pain you must have felt when you decided to load that cold gun. How many bullets did you load it with? 1….3….6? Did you know I was required to go pick up the gun from evidence? It sat in my garage for a year before I decided to call the police department and have them pick it up and destroy it. I don’t know why it even took me that long.

Did you know that I got married 10 months after you died? I think it was God’s way of saving me from going off the deep end. I think that he knew that Gary could handle everything that life was going to throw at us due to the ramifications of being with you for six years. I have seen Gary inebriated TWICE….he has taken care of me though more times than I can count. Did you know that your horrible ways rubbed off on me and I became a mean, nasty, horrible bitch? I blame you, but I also know I have to take responsiblity for allowing myself to go into such a space. Did you know that because of you I suffer from a mild eating disorder and self-image problems. Did you know that Gary is always telling me I am beautiful? Something you never said until I lost 62 pounds. Did you know that Gary knew he was going to have to be patient so my wings could heal?…For I had 2 very broken wings and could barely pick myself up off the ground.

Did you know that all our friends approved of Gary as being good for me just months after you died? Did you know that Gary and I met in early 2003? I dumped the relationship because you left your wife…again, and wanted to make it work with me. Gary has known me for YEARS, while you never really knew me at all. You just knew how you wanted me to be. You wanted a young, hot wife that you could brag about and spoil. You bought me anything I wanted but never could fully give me the one thing I needed and wanted so desperatly….and that was love. Did you know that Gary gives me that one thing I have always been looking for….love? Did you know that he’s never expected more than I can give? Did you know that he deserves the best wife in the world, but he gets a broken one instead. BUT….I am working on becoming a better wife. I’ve pretty much mastered the mom part….You always told me that I was a terrible mother, but for all the wrong reasons. I am a phenomenal mother with a bond that can never be broken with these children.

However, I struggle with being a wife. I struggle with compromise, I struggle with respect, and love, and kindness, and self-control. But, would I know my struggles if it weren’t for you? I may never know….what I do know is that you had a sick hold on me. I feel sorry for your family, but so much of a part of me is glad you died so I could move on. I wonder if you hadn’t died if I ever would’ve been strong enough to escape you….it’s been 6 1/2 years since you died…

Did you know I only told a FRACTION of what I went through in our marriage? Did you know this is the hardest thing I have ever written…..

Goodbye Craig….I hope you found the peace you were looking for….

Trust your Instincts….

Jan30

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Emotions….

Jan30

So many if us are led by our emotions especially if your a girl. No matter how old I am, or how logical I am I still fight my emotions. I fight the urge to make compulsive decisions based solely on my emotions. I know this isn’t necessarily healthy, but my children tend to rule my emotions the most. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so incredibly connected to them?

My daughter just texted me to tell me that she just got an “A” on her science test and yesterday she got an “A” on her social studies test. This is phenomenal accomplishment for her. She has been working so hard to earn the right to take her riding lessons. Because it doesn’t matter if she has the money, she has to get good grades on all her tests in order to ride over the weekend. It’s a motivator.

My husbands job is hanging in the balance causing me to not be able to fully commit to the lease of her horse. The owner of the horse is an incredible human being. She’s allowing me to lease her for February knowing it could be the only month we lease her for. Can you imagine telling YOUR daughter “I’m sorry honey, the dream I do desperately want to give you is over because we can’t afford it.” My daughter is also a phenomenal human being. There will he tears but ultimately her maturity will allow her to understand. There is also the possibility that she could still take the riding lessons without actually being in 4-H. It’s just hard to imagine how painful it will be to tell her that something I could readily afford for the most part just got ripped away from us.

How awful is it that money is the one thing standing in the way if my daughters dream to ride? Money is seriously the root of all evil. We work and work to earn a descent living and in the blink if an eye someone can come in and rip it out from underneath you.

~B

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