Tag Archive | God

Go Love Yourself

This morning one of my friends told me I inspired her. I think those were the words she used. My jaw about dropped to the floor since I don’t look ay myself as inspiring in any way. However, as I sit here and write this, I think “why can’t I be inspiring?” I have confessed my mental illness, I most definitely have an eating disorder from years of being told I needed to lose weight. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind for pretty much the last 15 years. I want to be healthy, but it’s certainly not healthy to obsess either. INSTEAD, I am going to work on loving myself right now and taking off the conditions I have put on myself. Like “I’ll love myself more when I lose 10 pounds.” As I write this I realize how RIDICULOUS that even sounds. We want other people to love us unconditionally, but many of us, including myself, aren’t willing to love ourselves unconditionally.

Today is a pretty good day for me mentally. I have woken up all week with 10+ hours of sleep and feeling guilty for not going to the gym. You know what? FUCK IT…..I’m OK!!! The gym does not validate me. GOD validates me. If you don’t believe in God then find something higher than yourself, but also including yourself, and put your value in that. It’s 11:55am and I’m still in my bathrobe, drinking my coffee. I need to go put dinner in the crock pot and get ready to start my day. I work in 30 minutes and I could be telling myself what a loser I am for having done nothing of real importance yet this morning but you know what? Someone told me I inspire them, and that inspired me to write this blog. If it wasn’t for my friend Dawn’s small amount of validation this morning I never would have taken a few minutes to sit down and write this blog. I LOVE to blog. It’s my favorite hobby. I get to sit here and put my thoughts out into the world and hope that someone reads them. Maybe my words will resognate with soemone else. I also get to sit here and watch my cat be a spaz.

Go out and be a FUCKING dragon or a unicorn! Just don’t be an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be intimidated to love yourself. I’m still working on it.

Love,

~B

We’re all a Little ‘Cray Cray’….Life is About Creating Paths and Relationships…

OK, So I just recently started this new journey of therapy. If you haven’t already, there is a whole post dedicated to DBT therapy you can go read on. Simply put? AMAZING!!!! I’ve only been 4 times but I have learned a plethora of information! Isn’t it logical that if your going to walk someone through all the non so warm and fuzzy times of their lives that you would at least prepare them with tools for emotional success and have them practice these before the real therapy begins?

I went to traditional therapy for SIX years people and I am right back where I was but actually I’m worse because that woman totally screwed me up. Anyway….I’ve been to this one 4 time and I think between this and the small amount of medication I let my doctor put me  on, I’m suddenly feeling FANTASTIC for the most part this last week! I struggle with anxiety and actively noticed that my anxiety level was at like practical non-existent compared to my high-strung, if it doesn’t go as it should…everything is.going.to.end.FOREVER……

I’M TOTALLY ROCKING OUT TO BANG BANG BY ARIANA GRANDE….(THANKS SON)….LOL

Anyway, I feel great so I’m totally not going to over think it too much and just roll with it because whatever I’m doing is WORKING! lol.

It is hard work though, I’ll be honest. It’s a lot of constant redirection of thinking. It can be a little exhausting BUT it’s getting a little easier each day with practice patience, self acceptance, self-love, etc…..kinda like the whole nail art adventure I’ve currently embarked upon! I mean if I’m going to live this life I want it to be the best, most influential one I can lead!

If I can change from who I was to who I want to be it’ll be the greatest accomplishment I could even make! I also had a BREAKTHROUGH business idea tonight! More on that later….! Seriously, I think it’s borderline genius and I wouldn’t have to quit my job doing nails to do it if I could make it work. But that’s WAY later down the road, BUT exciting nonetheless!

I’ve also gotten to form some really neat connections lately. I never know how long I’ll ever get with a person before they’ll move, on, have to stop getting their nails done for some reason etc. The BEST part of my job HANDS DOWN is sharing life stories and experiences! Doesn’t it make this life not feel so lonely and scary!? Oh, and we can all realize we’re not crazy because there is someone else out there who is just as ‘cray cray’ as they are on some level! I love the relatability factor I have with 95% of my clients. It’s hard to even say the word client and not refer to my clients as “this friend of mine” which oftentimes I do!

Ok, I really am going to try to keep up my blog a little more consistently!

Love

B~

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I’ve Been a Little Lost…

I haven’t written in quite a few days. I have had a severe case of writers block. This doesn’t generally happen to me. For the most part I have been eager to blog with lots to say; to let you know what’s going on in my life. But lately many things have happened and I have not had the desire to write.

One of my very best friends lost her battle to brain cancer…

Another friend is fighting appendicitis and a liver issue…

My best friends sister has kidney cancer….thankfully it doesn’t look like its spread…

Another friend is in severe back pain and mental pain…

Another friend has something funky going on with her TOE! Hurts like hell!

I know I am missing a few, but you get the point.

I feel very lucky to be healthy. I feel overwhelmed with joy that I am on the right track with my mental health. I have been on my knees for these people in my prayers.

I am so very tired but I have been eager to write SOMETHING….thank you for reading.

Love,

~B

She Earned Her Wings This Peaceful Night….

It’s 9:13 on this peaceful night

This is the time your wings took flight…

God called you home for he needs you up there

It’s not for my understanding the pain is hard to bear….

You were the greatest friend; always truthful and honest

Your smile was infectious your
laughter was contagious….

We all were blessed to know you….

I have no feelings; I’m just so numb

I called it today and now I wish that was dumb…

But God needed you home more than we needed you here

You did so much steering over the years.

Please give the people we know up
There a giant hug.

Until we see each other again my friend…..

Dedicated to Kay Beeman
December 7, 1963 – January 20, 2014

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Straddling Faith…Do you?

I had the pleasure of seeing my client/friend Amy today. It is always a pleasure talking to her, but today was different. We talked about the trials and tribulations of life, we talked about the ups and downs and how we deal with each. As we sat and chatted it became quickly apparent that we are very much alike. When sadness falls we tend to withdraw from the world and hide.

She made a very striking point today. She said, “I find myself straddling faith most times.” I asked her what she meant. She said, “When times are dark, I notice how I praise the Lord and put all my faith in Him, but when times are good, I barely acknowledge his presence in my life!” I was dumbfounded when she said this because it struck so close to home for me. Now you don’t have to believe in God to understand what she’s saying here. When times are BAD we tend to pray to God, the universe, Buddha, or whatever higher power you believe in; for me it’s God. But when things are GOOD we don’t give credit where credit is due. I don’t hear myself thanking God when I’m doing wonderful, or anyone else just “thanking the universe” for a great day.

Amy said, I believe that God is allowing me to go through a valley in order for me to refocus on Him. My thoughts on this are “This is a pretty shitty Valley, Amy….but ok” lol. But….she’s RIGHT! God gives us valleys to draw us closer to Him. Which in some ways really freaks me out since I have strayed from God, and haven’t had any major valleys lately. I’d like to think that I always give God the credit for everything, but unfortunately that is not true. How can we take so much responsibility for all the blessings we are given?

I suppose this is where atheists believe that “fate” comes in. I don’t necessarily believe in fate or karma, however you will here me speak of it. When I say the words fate and karma, what I am truly saying is “God.”

Ever since I left my church I have become increasingly ashamed of my faith in God. Why is this? And more importantly, how AWFUL is this? Why should I be ashamed of what I believe? Because there are people out there who have given God a bad name? No one goes around giving the “universe” a bad name! I HATE the word Christian because there are so many HORRIBLE Christians in the world. I know several atheists who are better people than some of the Christians I know. Just because you claim to believe in God or anything else for that matter doesn’t automatically make you a good person. But I truly am a GOOD person. I am NOT perfect, I have tons of flaws, but I am a human being who generally has good intentions when it comes to others.

I would like to think that my friend, Amy, has given me a lot to think about when it comes to straddling faith. Do you straddle? I would love to hear other thoughts and opinions on this….

~B

The Church and It’s People…

This morning I am sitting here so quiet and so still

Wondering why God has brought me to this place in my life

A transition for sure as I examine my will…

So much pain, so much sorrow, happiness too…

In my world I’m content which seems so taboo

I’d like to think I’ve made a nice life for myself

Then a man points out I’ve put God on a shelf

I won’t deny that part of this statement is true

The church that I went to often made me feel blue

Church is supposed to be an uplifting place

I would leave most Sundays with a confused look on my face

He’d say; “Go out and love others as Jesus would do”

Then say, but But don’t hang with sinners for their a bad influence on you

I was constantly confused for I never knew my place

For many good reasons I stopped attending this place

For me it’s about what God does in your heart

A church is just a building as I see it for the most part

I do miss the fellowship with like-minded people

But I don’t need the building to find such people

I have many clients I have found who love God

Most all of us have been hurt and feel like we’re in some kind of fog

Don’t let one man stand in your way you say

He has no business pastoring in my opinion anyway

He is a self righteous, arrogant man

Who has no business being up on the stand

He is not a people person you say to me

Then why is he pastoring people to lead?

It confuses me as to why God has chosen this man to lead

But I suppose I should not question the one higher than me

I will find out my answers when he calls me home

Until then I’d like to be left alone

Alone meaning not badgered for what I feel or believe

For just because its right for you does not mean its right for me

I think that your view of me is not quite as it should be

But I also believe church has done this to keep you away from me

You made judgements that aren’t even remotely true

For friends don’t do that they come and listen to you

10 years of friendship and you don’t come ask me straight up

You just assume that you see me for what you think you should see

I will tell you my friend that yesterday was quite hurtful as you told me to give up things I don’t even frequently do

We have barely seen each other these last few years so don’t assume that you know me like you used to

Just because you can get past the hurt and the pain

Does not mean that I can do the same

I do not feel like my anger is all consuming

I just wont put myself in the same position to be hurt once again

You say, “She doesn’t know that she hurt you so bad”

Well yes she does because I told her my brother

She appologized for the way she behaved 11 months later

But 11 months is so long when you finally loathe her

She slowly turned everyone against me, I think even you, though you don’t seem to see

Which is a travesty because you are like a brother to me

You can not raise your voice thinking I will listen

It makes me shut down and lash out later as I’ve given myself some time to reason

Who do you think you are accusing me of such things?

You clearly don’t know me and the rest is history….

Maybe someday we can see eye to eye

But please don’t assume I sit around and just lie

I feel like I’m nothing but brutally honest

And for you to question me is what is the oddest

I will come to the funeral my brother

But it will be the last time I step foot in that place

For no one who matters cares enough to see the hurt in my face

I feel so happy you are in a peaceful place

But the hurt that I have was written all over my face

All you could do was tell me I was wrong

Feelings are feelings regardless of fault

Maybe I can say you are a better person than I

But I think many people like me for me

I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not

Not saying you do I just feel so caught

My silence is about to be no more

I will end this here as I say I love you once more….

Ode to a Special Friendship…

I don’t know how you stay so strong

I wish I knew how to be strong; like the rock your upon…

Your friendship is like no other I’ve seen

I want to put you in my pocket and just keep you with me…

How do you know just when to care?

When all I can do is just stand at a distance and stare…

God has you so closely wrapped in his hands

I know you will be safe when reality lands…

You have grown so much in all of these years

Through triumph, happiness and all of our fears…

I didn’t believe that we would always be friends

But now I know that we’ll be friends till the end…

I want you to know I will always be here for you

I know in my heart you’ll be there for me to…

“I love you” comes only once in awhile

But when I hear you say it it just makes me smile…

You are but a rock that I see so mighty and strong

And I know that our friendship will carry on…

Through years of happiness, troubles, and grief

You are the rock in many of my beliefs…

While one was to you, believe me, you are to another

I can’t imagine you not in my life like a baby to it’s mother…

Once grown apart and brought together again

I will never take our friendship again in vain…

Soon this will pass and we will be left with our tears

But I know we will have each other to share our fears…

You are my friend and many years have passed

I just want you know Pam, I believe our friendship will last…

Why I hate being a wife….

Simply put? Because I’m not good at it and I hate to fail….

OK, just so you know, I approach most hard-to-deal-with subjects with humor, because it makes me feel better about my short-comings as a human being, because quite frankly I SUCK at this human thing quite a bit…especially the wife part….

Let see…Me as a wife in a nutshell… I am controlling, stubborn, mean, always right, egotistical, self-centered, impulsive, narcissistic, and sometimes down-right cruel.

My husband? Completely the opposite of me….kind, loving, thoughtful, others-centered, patient, good-natured, WONDERFUL overall husband!

How we’re still together? It can ONLY be GOD! It is the ONLY explanation I have….

I won’t lie, I pride myself on the inside about being good at many things that I do. I feel I am good at raising well-balanced children, maintaining a decent small business, and being a good friend. The one thing I SUCK the most at? Being a wife. It’s the one area that I contradict myself the most on. I expect things out of marriage that I am not necessarily always willing to give in return. I am not good with compromise, and I’m not good with forgiveness. Now…don’t get me wrong, I expect all of these from my husband, BUT I am not always great about returning the grace. It’s a terrible quality to have, I am NOT bragging clearly. Being a mother did not come naturally to me either. It took me YEARS to figure it out. I won’t say I have mastered it, but I think I am pretty good. But being a wife? Not so much….

Ugh….I have been married (this time) for 5 1/2 years (I don’t count the first one since he passed away, and I wasn’t married to the kids dad). Now and I can tell you that it’s been pretty miserable for my husband. It hasn’t ALL been bad, and I absolutely do not take full responsibility for where things have gone wrong. I wish I put my foot down FASTER in some areas, would’ve been more assertive in other areas, BUT the one thing I WASN’T, was NICE and LOVING. I feel like I was generally nice at first (like in the beginning), but when the results weren’t what I thought they should be; I was a venomous snake. See, I believe that I am right about things like 90% of the time, and truly I do believe this. I have had a lot of life experience and I think I am very smart, and intuitive most of the time. I had a marriage counselor once tell me, “You can be 100% right and be dead WRONG at the same time.” I was very confused by this statement. What she meant was, you can be right about something but completely wrong in your delivery, making the other person not even wanting to hear you out. How true is that? I will agree with her that it is true, but I am hot-headed with a short temper. Ask anyone who’s ever dated me.

I am working on this and I have a VERY patient husband. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like everyday of his life has been a living hell, CLOSE…(lol) but not everyday. I have done some things to make it better, and I will share these with you.

1. Kids, I learned early on that our kids are our kids SEPARATELY, meaning “You parent yours and I’ll parent mine.” We have very different parenting styles and I prefer mine. Clearly my kids have to do what they’re told by him, and be respectful to him, but for the most part I do the “parenting” portion with my children…I prefer it this way. It’s not the way I WANTED it when we got married but it is unfortunately the way it ended up. Step-families are very complicated and just because you think you have it all figured out BEFORE you get married, well I hate to say it my friends, but I bet you are sorely disappointed if you, yourself, are in a step-family situation. If you CAN parent together in this situation, my hats are off to you!

2. Money, You make yours and I will make mine. If it were up to me, we’d have separate accounts and just split all the bills evenly, but it’s working OK how it is jointly, we just don’t see eye to eye on how to handle our finances. I say that if this is the case, and you make a fairly equal amount of money or can split the bills evenly so that its overall fair, and everyone is happy…DO IT! Finances are NOT worth fighting about especially when it can be solved with separate checking accounts. I am completely for this. My husband is not, which is fine, we shall continue to see how this works out….

3. Sex, I have a TERRIBLE sex drive. There are 5 MILLION different reasons why this is and I will only list a couple…I think a lot of this is attributed to the fact that my estrogen was sky-high at 654 (it should be at 124, and is currently at 234). According to my doctor this is what has made me want to KILL anyone and everyone in my path (my whole life) about 2 weeks out of the month. She actually asked me how I wasn’t locked up in a loony bin with these numbers. (I asked her if she could admit me to the loony bin just so I could “go on vacation” for a few days. She got a good chuckle out of that. I also had like NO progesterone. Sky high estrogen – no progesterone = a VERY BITCHY woman! My doctor has me on progesterone, an estrogen blocker, and just before Thanksgiving I recently asked for an anti-depressant because the hormone control was not working solely as a problem solver like I thought it would. I LOVE my anti-depressant! I would eat that stuff like it was damn candy! If you’re wondering, so you can get yourself some happiness, and will-power to live, I am on Wellbutrin (300mg) BEST SHIT EVER!!! No weight gain side effects, and I think my sex drive has slightly improved.

I really am trying a harder to be a better wife but sometimes its just HARD! I don’t want to compromise and most of the time, lately, I just want to be alone, which isn’t fair to my husband obviously. It’s not like I don’t like him or love him, I totally do, but sometimes being married interferes with what I want to do, decisions I want to make without consulting another human being etc. I KNOW this is selfish so you don’t have to tell me. I am a MAJOR work in process and quite frankly I don’t know how he does it most weeks. Personally I don’t want to put up with me most days, so I really think God sent an angel because ONLY an angel could put up with me 99% of the time. Clearly I am very difficult….but hey, like I said, I am a work in progress…

So Husband, IF you read this, please know that I love you, I am completely aware of my shortcomings, and I am working on trying to be better…but I think it is going to take my whole life to really get it right….So for all the things I may do in the future that are shitty, I would like to take the time NOW to apologize…just to save time. lol

Love,

~B

Talk around the shop….(Or is it therapy?)

Some of the topics I discussed this week with my beloved clients…I build STRONG bonds with people everyday. Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry. It’s more like 1 1/2 hours of therapy than clients coming to get their nails done. I love that they can open up so easily to me with such personal information…I have the BEST “job” ever!

1. I am going to court about my divorce this week…

2. I named my tumor “Bob”, so now I just blame everything on “Bob”

3. I had a baby that died at the hands of his father at 6 months old…

4. I am working to save my marriage because I know it’s what God wants

5. My granddaughter is getting her bone marrow tests done…she has leukemia

6. I woke up to my boyfriend slamming his elbow into my back when I was 4 months pregnant because he was drunk

7. My husband might have to go on deployment to Afganistan

8. I’m moving to Arizona…I will miss you Bridget and hope we can stay friends. (I am SOOO sad)….

9. I’m meeting Norman Reedus this weekend!

10. I have a step-daughter that thinks her father is dead….

11.My niece died from an accidental overdose on Tuesday…

12. I’m pretty sure I failed as a mother even though I loved them so much. I loved them to much by giving them whatever they want….

View from my shop...Perks of working from home.

View from my shop…Perks of working from home.

Love….

I’m feeling so sad tonight. Love can be so tragic, so mind-blowing, so altering of our every existence. It is beautiful, heart warming, and phenomenal, and at the same time it can be draining and heartbreaking. Two of my most favorite people in the world are most likely breaking up. One of these people I am much closer to than the other, but he became a brother to me of sorts. He always made me stop and think about my actions when I was disgruntled in my own marriage….He always made me think about the ramifications of divorce and loss. I guess it’s hard to understand how two beautiful people can’t coexist due to difficulties that can’t be seen eye to eye on. How can we be so stubborn that we can’t just lie down what the other person needs from us and realize that healthy relationships are based on compromise? Now don’t get me wrong, I am NO expert on love. I am one of the most selfish people on the planet when it comes to getting my way. I really am trying to work on this, but in a blended family that can be hard. I wish I could have had a better model for what love should’ve been growing up, but I didn’t, and I suppose that’s ok. It is what it is. I’ve been through lots of years of counseling and love has been the sole topic of conversation more times than I can count. I’ve always been one of those people to have “One foot out the door” so to speak. I know that is not an awesome quality to portray so I am again, “working on it.” When it comes to “bad relationships” I am full of advice and wit, as I have been in lots of those. I listen to women all day long talk about how their husbands have cheated on them, how their boyfriends are mean and selfish, story after story about heartache and pain. Most of these girls are young and just have to learn by going through it and realizing nothing will probably ever change. My heart aches for each one of these young ladies because I have been in their exact same shoes before and, like them, I probably wouldn’t have listened to advice either. I just want to take each of these young ladies under my wing, play movie clips of my former marriage, so they can see what I have been through, because it parodies their life so incredibly much.

The problem? We all learn on our own and at our own rate. We all think that “our situation” will be different, that we will be the ones to show everyone that they were wrong and we CAN change the person we’re with. If we leave just ONE MORE TIME, then maybe the other person will turn their life around and quit being selfish. Sometimes it works, I know a girl about my age that it did work for, but he WANTED his family more than his alcoholic behavior; he’s a new man, a man that has allowed his testimony to be used for the good of others, she is one of the few and lucky ones.

It’s hard when you realize that you really love both people involved in a (potential) breakup and in this instance it’s even harder as my heart can only be loyal to one. I sit here and I cry, a deep cry, because I feel the loss and the pain. Maybe something can be done to save it…I will hold out hope because I never saw this coming….

I didn’t bother to edit this piece much, so it’s raw and not grammatically completely correct I’m sure. I’m trying to type through all the tears. Many of the pieces I have written I have cried during, but since they were so personal I took several days to edit. This is just raw….

~B

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First Song My Husband Ever Played For Me….

“The One”

No rush though I need your touch
I won’t rush your heart
Until you feel on solid ground
Until your strength is found, girl

I’ll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I’ll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Somebody else was here before
He treated you unkind
And broken wings need time to heal
Before a heart can fly, girl

I’ll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I’ll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Trust in me and you’ll find a heart so true
All I want to do is give the best of me to you
And stand beside you

Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Lyrics ~ Gary Allan

Our first date....

Our first date….

Hi, My Name is Victoria….

My mom is giving me permission to share my story with her followers in hopes maybe someone out there would like to help me….

Hi my name is Victoria, I am almost 13 years old and I am here to tell you my story… I’ve dreamt to do 4-H ever since I was about 8. I got this amazing offer to do 4-H and be in the fair this year by leasing a horse from my mom’s friend. My mom is making me raise $700 of it to teach me hard work and dedication… Here is my story, hope you enjoy.

My mom got my first horse when I was 8. When I rode her I just knew that my love was for horses. I remember my mom, my brother, and I we were at Costco and my mom told us that we got a horse. I literally jumped up from the table and hugged her so tight. That was the most exciting day for me. My horse’s name was Bella, but she didn’t really work out so we had to give her away. It was a very sad day for me…She was to stubborn and not the right horse for me.

When I was 9 my mom got us another horse named Tonka. She would always say “His name is Tonka, like a Tonka truck.” Tonka was the perfect horse. I loved him so much. I remember me and my mom use to go on trail rides with him. I used to ride him in an arena and I just kinda felt free when I was riding him. I felt like nothing could get in my path when I was riding Tonka. My mom and I would go to the barn every other day to clean out stalls to work off some of his board. I never once complained that we had to go out there and clean the stalls, even if it was night time. I was so determined that I would make the owner of the barn happy and pleased with who she picked to clean her stalls. I even made my mom come over and check if it was good enough to call it good and go on to the next stall. I was so determined to do a good job. But Tonka had a cribbing problem and my mom couldn’t find a new place to board him. So we had to sell him. I didn’t get to say goodbye to him (that’s not my moms fault though). The lady who came to get him could only come when I was in school. I cried so hard that night. Even to this day when I even talk about him, think about him, or even see a picture of him I still cry.

I’m in 7th grade and it’s a really hard year for me. But I’m getting the hang of it. I have a 3.8 GPA, I’m on the honor role, I made the basketball team and I haven’t played basketball a day in my life, but I was determined that I really wanted to play. I worked really hard, and practiced and I made the team. I am hoping I can do the same thing with 4-H. I’m strong, determined, and passionate. Last year I really wanted to go to this Summer camp but I needed about $150 to pay for it. So I decided to make scarves and charge $12 for each one. I earned a little bit over $200. That is how determined I was. When I want something I go after it no matter how much work it takes or how much time it takes. I plan on doing this with 4-H. I’m making scarves for $15, I’m babysitting, doing more house/yard work around my house. I will do whatever people want me to do. I will do whatever it takes to earn the $700 I need.

I feel that I am going to learn a lot doing 4-H because it takes time and patience. If i don’t get it right the first time I’ll just keep practicing till I do. I realize that all these hours at the barn everyday, all the riding lessons I take, all the work I do outside the barn is going to pay off. In the end I will be in 4-H, I will be in the fair and all of the work I did will definitely pay off in the end. I feel like doing this will make me feel like I can achieve anything that life throws at me. I also heard that 4-H gives out scholarships for college, maybe I can apply for one since I will be going to college after high school.

Since I have to earn part of the money to pay for this and my mom is paying for a lot to, I am willing to give up my big 13th Birthday party I was planning and my Summer. I am totally fine with doing this. In the Summer it is going to be hot and I’m going to be in pants, shirt, and helmet. I am going to be spending about 7-10 hours at the barn 5 days a week, but if I’m with a horse I am perfectly fine. I don’t care if it is hot. I am so dedicated to this I will do whatever it takes to have my dream come true.

I hope you can see my passion and determination, I will work whatever I have to do in order to earn the money. I know there are a lot of people who ask for donations. I will do whatever you want me to do to earn the money, I don’t expect it to be handed to me.

My mom has set me up a gofundme.com account for people who might want to donated money to me who see my story and want to help me but are not local people. I want you to know that I wrote this letter by myself, my mom only edited my misspelled words.

Sincerely,

Victoria D.

Here is the link to my donation account….

http://www.gofundme.com/66u5cc

Me and my first horse, Bella when I was 7....

Me and my first horse, Bella….

This is Tonka....I miss him...

This is Tonka….I miss him…

Me leading my older brother around on Bella...

Me leading my older brother around on Bella when I was 7…

Kay…”You teach people how to treat you…”

Kay and I met at our friend Pam’s son’s first birthday party on a June day in 2005. I remember there was four of us girls that got to know each other that day and have, in one way or another, been a HUGE part of each others lives. Kay says she will always remember what I was wearing when she met me. It was a little red and white plaid jumper…Kay, Pam and I became fast friends. Kay and I had a connection that I will never be able to explain. We were able to talk over one another, yet still complete the conversation like pros. We could finish each other sentences, it was amazing. It’s rare in this life that your able to find a girlfriend that can complete you in so many ways as Kay has for me over the years.

In 2006, Kay and I took our first road trip together, we packed our bags and headed to Portland, Or where we were going to see BON JOVI! We were like two 16 year-old girls that day. We played his newest album so we’d know the lyrics to all the songs. I remember laughing so hard on that trip. It was one of the best memories of my entire life. This was a friend I would have for life…I mean this woman taught me how to make DRINKABLE coffee without flavored creamer! YOU CAN DO THAT? “With enough milk and sugar, you can do anything.” she said. This road trip was only the beginning of something special between the two of us.

On my birthday, May 2, 2006, Kay took me shopping. She was determined to get me out of my “Ugly Jesus shoes” (they were brown Birkenstocks), and I LOVED THEM….Kay hated them. She said I had “amazing calves” and I needed a heel that would “elongate my calves.” At that point in my life I was lucky to have an elongated WAIST, let alone CALVES! I still chuckle as I remember her words. I will remember that day forever, it was so much fun, We shopped for HOURS, ate lunch, and she found me the perfect heels to go with all my dresses…I still have them…and I will keep them forever…

Later that year, Kay, Pam, and I all went to a Christian conference together called Women of Faith with our church. I remember that conference taking my faith in God to new heights. I believe the three of us shared a hotel room that year….but I could be wrong, I can’t remember. We sat together, we walked together, we encouraged one another. I had just gotten married, to Craig, the year before and it was an extremely tumultuous marriage. Kay and Pam were always encouraging me to be better….to do better. These woman had been at this whole “God thing” quite a bit longer than I had. They never once made me feel like a burden when I would call them crying, but would bounce me between them so neither one of them got burnt out. I totally can’t blame them; I was a complete basket case almost the entire 2 year that I was married to my first husband.

Kay and I spent a lot of time together having coffee and tea and talking about what life means and how we could continually to grow in God. She was my INSPIRATION to be a better person. I remember her giving me the analogy that the holy spirit is like a seed, if you water it, it will grow, but if you neglect it, it will shrivel. I was always struggling to water my seed and I still struggle to this day. I struggle with why God allows certain events to take place in our lives…

In the summer of 2007, my entire world came crashing down around me….I recieved the news, on a Monday, August 27, 2007, at work, that my husband had committed suicide. I remember my world completely stopping. (I will write more on this one day, but not today). I called another friend at the time to come get me from work, and I went to stay with her. Pam took my kids that night and I think they spent the night with her. I remember calling Kay and begging her to please come get me as I needed her, as I wasn’t in the right home at that point. Kay and her husband came and gathered me up. The moment I walked into their house a sense of peace came over me, as this would be my home for the next week. Kay made sure I ate, I remember her feeding me crackers…they were these sweetish kind of crackers that I could nibble on as I wasn’t eating much (go figure). I think she made me eat a weird salad the next night because I needed “My veggies.” Kay drove me around to every appointment I had that week. I barely remember a thing from that week as it all happened so fast. I remember she drove me to the funeral home and I just couldn’t make any decisions, and she kept telling me “No decision have to be made today.” I think we left and went back another day. Kay helped me with all the phone calls, hosted a brunch for me and Craig’s family, found me a lawyer, and walked me through the entire grieving process. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. I believe, if my memory serves me correctly, the funeral was the following Monday, Labor day, 2007. I believe Kay and Web sat behind me at the funeral, but I really don’t remember. I stayed one more night at their house the day of the funeral, and was gently encouraged to return home the next day. A week had gone by; in fact I’m pretty sure I would’ve stayed longer, but my children needed me and Kay and Web assured me that I was going to be ok. They told me they were only a phone call away if I needed them.

I returned home from Kay’s to a completely SPOTLESS home, Pam came in and completely wiped it clean with the power of her soul. My floors were mopped, my carpets vacuumed, everything dusted, bathroom cleaned, and mine and the kids’ rooms were cleaned. Pam is a “behind the scenes” person. She is like a little angel, she always popped in when I least expected it, but somehow always knew when I needed it most. (She has a huge role in my life and will get her own story one of these days). These are the only two women I have remained friends with after all these year. The only two women who never turned their backs on me when things got rough over the years.

In the summer of 2008, I remarried to my current husband Gary. Kay and Pam were my Matrons of Honor, and my sister was my maid of honor. See, I couldn’t choose just one. My sister was a given, but Kay and Pam were my backbone, my sisters in Christ, Kay being the older sister, Pam being the middle sister, and I the youngest. Web, Kay’s husband gave me away; he will always be the brother I never had. Kay gave the most beautiful speech as she cried, and we all struggled to hear what she was saying. Because that’s Kay, ALWAYS crying in sadness and joy. I don’t think there is a moment that I can think of when we haven’t been together and Kay hasn’t cried from SOMETHING. Generally it’s laughter and joy, but oftentimes it’s just her heart. She has one of the purist hearts I have ever witnessed. She CONSTANTLY was trying to keep me on the straight and narrow path as I constantly tested her patience with my zigging and zagging. Oh the stories she could tell you!

In January of 2010, we got the news that Kay had stage three colon cancer, I remember being so scared. I returned only a fraction of what she did for me by taking her to several chemo appointments, and visiting her as often as I could. She is one of the strongest fighters I have ever witnessed a day in my life. Kay praised God every step of the way, sometimes wondering why her, but I also remember her saying “Why not me?” Kay never thought she was above anything or any situation; Kay just constantly said, “I don’t know why this is happening, but God will see me through it!” and He did…..after a surgery and 8 months of chemo, she was cancer free. She BEAT COLON CANCER!!! We were all so incredibly relieved.

I think I’m still in denial. It can’t be true, one of my best friends, longest friends, one of my timeless friends….was diagnosed with brain cancer on the eve of her 50th birthday…December 6, 2013. Kay has been given only 6-9 short months to live. Kay has decided to forgo radiation and try to beat this with a very special, extremely restricted, diet called the Gerson diet. It’s been proven over and over that cancer can, and does, get beaten with an organic, special blend diet that is VERY EXPENSIVE. When I talked to her last she had been on the diet for 4 days and felt FANTASTIC! I believe that through the power of prayer, family, and a good wholesome diet with the certain organic foods, SHE CAN BEAT THIS!!! And YES, I am going to ask for YOUR HELP! See, we are all on this earth to help one another. If we all gave just $10 (that’s TWO STARBUCKS COFFEES) that would be enough to continue to feed her this very expensive, special diet and hopefully will save her life.

I just don’t understand how this can happen to such a beautiful person. Kay has been an inspiration to me for YEARS. She’s the one who taught me, “You teach people how to treat you.” Those words will be passed down from generation to generation in my family…all from this ONE person. HOW CAN ONE PERSON HAVE SUCH AN AMAZING EFFECT ON SOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE I WILL NEVER KNOW……

See, all things happen for a reason, If I hadn’t met Craig chances are I wouldn’t have 2 of my best friends now, Pam and Kay. I can’t imagine these two women NOT being in my life forever. PLEASE help me, help my inspiration. Kay is one of the reasons I continue to walk with God even when I am so angry and would like to turn my back on Him.

I humbly ask that you take a moment to pray, or if your spiritual, then to just ask whatever high power you believe in, to touch your heart and donate to one of the most worthy people I have ever met….The link is posted right here….

http://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/y3q3/susan-kay-beeman-cancer-fund#

Kay and her husband Web

Kay and her husband Web


Kay and her husband and Gary and I's wedding 2008....never seen two people more in love!

Kay and her husband at Gary and I’s wedding 2008….never seen two people more in love!


Kay giving her Maid of Honor speech...

Kay giving her Maid of Honor speech…


Kay leading us in prayer before my wedding...

Kay leading us in prayer before my wedding…


Me, Kay, and Pam and my wedding shower...T

Me, Kay, and Pam at my wedding shower…


Kay and Web

Kay and Web

A Baby….Seriously God?

I’ve always been the rebellious one in my family…the black sheep so to speak. No one ever set a single boundary for me, as a child, and in essence I grew up getting my way on EVERYTHING. I would pout for HOURS until I obtained whatever it was I was after. I constantly refused to do things just to be difficult, and prove no one could make me do anything I, myself, didn’t want to do. Because the adults in my life didn’t know how to handle a child of such defiance I was given whatever I wanted just to get me to behave. Well I don’t have to tell you that it basically turned me into a self-entitled little brat! This unfortunately carried into my adult years…FUN!

Now, to my credit, I graduated high school in 3 years due to taking college courses (out of pure boredom and not wanting to be home) with my then, highschool boyfriend. I only took these classes so my boyfriend and I could spend time together. I had no idea that at the beginning of my junior year of high school my counselor would tell me that I had the opportunity to graduate that year. Due to taking college classes such as math and english I was eligible for early graduation. I accepted that offer at the drop of the hat. I HATED high school and wanted nothing more than to be done. I graduated from highschool and started my life at 17. I proceeded to move out almost immediately; I worked 2-3 jobs during this time just to make ends meet. I may have never had discipline growing up, but we were poor. So I didn’t have a singe person I could call and ask for help from. Looking back, I’m glad I didn;t have anyone, but at the time I TOTALLY wished I did. Having no one to rely on made me work a million times harder since I had an apartment to pay for, power, phone (like old school, plug-into-the-wall type phone). I pretty much had to bike everywhere or occasionally get a ride from my mom. I was finally able to afford to by a cheap car. I think I paid $1000 for it and made the guy $100 payments for 10 months; it was a 1985 UGLY brown Chevy Chevette. While it might have been ugly, that car traipsed me and my close friend all over the place. I lived in Crescent City, CA back then (my mom moved us there when I was 12). I have no clue why my mom would move us to such desolate, horrible place, where pretty much everyone was mean…especially the kids. Oh yes, she wanted to live near the OCEAN! She couldn’t have moved us to MALIBU? OK, rabbit trail….sorry, I do that all the time…

I got out of Crescent Shitty…*cough, cough* I mean Crescent City when I was 21. I moved 3 hours north to a valley in Oregon. It is beautiful here in Southern Oregon. I got pregnant with Taylor pretty quick, because agin, I had no boundaries. Looking back this is probably comes from being molested when I was 12, but that’s an entire OTHER story that I do not feel like discussing tonight. Anyway, needless to say pregnancy was quite the shock. Keep in mind for later, that the day I found out I was prego, was the first time I had laid foot in a church in YEARS. I don’t remember what the service was about, but I do know my roommate talked me into going to church with her and her friend that morning. I got sick eating pizza at the mall after church and I immediately knew something was wrong. I had the immediate feeling that I was pregnant, and I was right. I was freaking out about how I would provide for a child on $$6.95 an hour. I had no idea what I should do. I went back and forth about my options, and at one point decided I would keep it and then later had a FREAK OUT and decided to get a late-term abortion. I was 4 1/2 months pregnant, and I scheduled the procedure for the following week. I just couldn’t be a mom, I could barely take care of myself. At that time I pretty much knew nothing about God. I owe the credit of my son’s entire existence to a local pastor. It was just about closing time when this man came through my line. Our exchange went as follows:

Pastor: “Good evening young lady, how are you tonight?” (He did introduce himself as a local pastor of a church in my area).
Me: “Fine” (in my head thinking, “please don’t make small talk, I’m not in the mood dude”)
Pastor: I rarely get the inclination to do something like this, but I want you to know that God wants me to deliver a very important message to you.”
Me: *thinking dude, your crazy* But also a bit awe-struck and curious…I had no idea that what he was about to say would change my life forever.
Pastor: God knows that you are going through something extremely difficult and wants you to know that he wants you to do what HE would want you to do.”
Me: With tears in my eyes and completely dumbfounded as my chin I’m pretty sure hit the floor, I said, “I’m sorry, WHAT?”
Pastor: May I pray with you?”
Me: “sure”
Pastor: Dear heavenly Father, I pray that you pour your wisdom into this young lady so that she will honor you.” (Short and sweet)
Me: (tears now abundantly clear) I whisper… “thank you”
Pastor; young lady, things will be ok, just listen to God.”

And just like that he walked away….

I went home that night and prayed for, pretty much, the first time in my entire life. I think it went something like this:
“God, I have no idea what happened tonight, and I am pretty freaked out. I have no business keeping this baby. I have a crappy job and no money to raise a kid on, you DO NOT want me to be a mother, I ASSURE you!!!” And without the skip of a beat I heard a voice that said, “This child will come into the world to do great things.” I was SO FREAKED OUT I jumped up out of bed, turned on my light, because I was POSITIVE someone was in my room….but there was no one. Just me, and my bed, and my now wildly crazy thoughts that I am CLEARLY schizophrenic, because I am hearing voices in my head! I went and got a drink of water; my heart was beating so fast I was sure I was going to have a heart attack. I mildly calmed myself down, I get back into bed, and I say “OK God, if that was REALLY YOU, then you need to show me a sign that this is something I am really supposed to do…A CLEAR SIGN…(Picture this: I am shouting out loud…I knew I sounded like a lunatic!) But what happened next would change fate forever. I was lying there, and all of a sudden I felt what felt like butterflies in my stomach. It was the first time I ever felt him move, the flutters lasted for about 30 minutes. I had my sign….I laid in my bed and cried for hours, knowing I had just committed to becoming a mother. I had never felt so scared in that moment, than I have ever felt in my entire life.

4 1/2 months later I gave birth to a son, Taylor. My ENTIRE family was in the delivery room…(Imagine my big fat greek wedding), seriously….even my 14 year-old sister AND her boyfriend were in there (BIRTH CONTROL)! Which must have worked since she’s 29 with no plans to have children. After 15 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing, All was quiet as Taylor was making his appearance into the world…and all of a sudden I hear my mother yell “WHY IS HE BLUE?” The doctor looked at her and said, “YOU….OUT….NOW!” Seriously, why would you yell that? If you knew my mother you would understand. Taylor was born a healthy baby boy (I wish I could remember his stats, but I don’t). I do remember however that he was born on 3/31, at 3:33am, in room 3, in the Chinese NEW Year of the Rabbit (luckiest year), and most importantly the blessing of the LORD. I’m pretty sure that 3 is his lucky number…

I wish I could go on to say that I found God, and was a phenomenal mother, but that is far from the truth; I was still the same self-centered girl I was 9 months before…

In case you’re wondering, I just told my son this full story on this most recent Christmas night. It was the right timing as he has been dealing with some very personal issues. I never want him to doubt that there isn’t a God…because that would be a travesty all things considering. I’m not sure anyone in my family knows this story because none of them believe in God, and I’m not sure they would believe me anyhow.

I promise I will continue the story of what happened next, but the story of ones life can not be written in a whole night….

loves,

~B

Taylor became my INSPIRATION….

Taylor and I when he was around 4.

Taylor and I when he was around 4.

Taylor, Age 3

Taylor, Age 3

Taylor, age 1 1/2

Taylor, age 1 1/2

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, today, Age 14 1/2

Taylor, today, Age 14 1/2