Tag Archive | relationships

Go Love Yourself

This morning one of my friends told me I inspired her. I think those were the words she used. My jaw about dropped to the floor since I don’t look ay myself as inspiring in any way. However, as I sit here and write this, I think “why can’t I be inspiring?” I have confessed my mental illness, I most definitely have an eating disorder from years of being told I needed to lose weight. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind for pretty much the last 15 years. I want to be healthy, but it’s certainly not healthy to obsess either. INSTEAD, I am going to work on loving myself right now and taking off the conditions I have put on myself. Like “I’ll love myself more when I lose 10 pounds.” As I write this I realize how RIDICULOUS that even sounds. We want other people to love us unconditionally, but many of us, including myself, aren’t willing to love ourselves unconditionally.

Today is a pretty good day for me mentally. I have woken up all week with 10+ hours of sleep and feeling guilty for not going to the gym. You know what? FUCK IT…..I’m OK!!! The gym does not validate me. GOD validates me. If you don’t believe in God then find something higher than yourself, but also including yourself, and put your value in that. It’s 11:55am and I’m still in my bathrobe, drinking my coffee. I need to go put dinner in the crock pot and get ready to start my day. I work in 30 minutes and I could be telling myself what a loser I am for having done nothing of real importance yet this morning but you know what? Someone told me I inspire them, and that inspired me to write this blog. If it wasn’t for my friend Dawn’s small amount of validation this morning I never would have taken a few minutes to sit down and write this blog. I LOVE to blog. It’s my favorite hobby. I get to sit here and put my thoughts out into the world and hope that someone reads them. Maybe my words will resognate with soemone else. I also get to sit here and watch my cat be a spaz.

Go out and be a FUCKING dragon or a unicorn! Just don’t be an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be intimidated to love yourself. I’m still working on it.

Love,

~B

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Blogging…

I was thinking about a girl I know at my gym. She’s so Encouraging and sweet. She came up to me one day last week and told me that she can relate to what I write and that she feels better reading my posts. (OK maybe not those exact words but close). I figure that even if this page/blog only touches ONE person…it’s worth it. To hear that you’ve made a difference is humbling because I don’t look at myself that way. I’m just a girl, with a lot of baggage, STILL figure out where I fit in. I’m in my late 30’s and STILL trying to figure this out. If that means fitting into someone’s life online so they feel better, I guess at the end of the day I accomplished something. ❤️

Journey of Life….

So, I’m on this journey of a sense of self discovery. It’s not as fun as it sounds, but I’m trying to approach it with a glass half full attitude. Life goes through these weird phases where everything is in alignment and going along, seems to be “ok.” Then BAM!!! something comes along to derail your plans or shatters your world. I hear stories everyday of women who are going through “stuff.” What might be big deals to some people may not faze other people. I have some REALLY good friends in my life right now. You know what I love about my best friend? Her grace. She went into our friendship knowing exactly who I was. I never hid myself from her and she continues to love me in spite of myself everyday. She is amazing and I feel lucky that we have each other to confide in.

So, as I’m sitting here having all these amazing discoveries. My surroundings are so funny right now. Hubby watching football, kids and friends houses, and my dogs hanging out. You know what sounds good? Hashbrowns. I have frozen hashbrowns, I think I’m going to go cook some up!

Peace out for now!

~B

Feeling Defeated

All I wanted to do was write. Now I feel self conscious writing about myself. Criticism rarely bothers me. But if you’ve been wondering this is why I haven’t been blogging. It’s not criticism from people I don’t know…it’s criticism from the people I DO know. I don’t know if there is a way to block certain people from reading my blog but if there is would you let me know!?

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I’ve Been a Little Lost…

I haven’t written in quite a few days. I have had a severe case of writers block. This doesn’t generally happen to me. For the most part I have been eager to blog with lots to say; to let you know what’s going on in my life. But lately many things have happened and I have not had the desire to write.

One of my very best friends lost her battle to brain cancer…

Another friend is fighting appendicitis and a liver issue…

My best friends sister has kidney cancer….thankfully it doesn’t look like its spread…

Another friend is in severe back pain and mental pain…

Another friend has something funky going on with her TOE! Hurts like hell!

I know I am missing a few, but you get the point.

I feel very lucky to be healthy. I feel overwhelmed with joy that I am on the right track with my mental health. I have been on my knees for these people in my prayers.

I am so very tired but I have been eager to write SOMETHING….thank you for reading.

Love,

~B

Suicide….I Will Never Be the Same…This Is A State Of Grace…

“Haunted”

You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
but I never thought I’d live to see it break
It’s getting dark and it’s all too quiet
And I can’t trust anything now
And it’s coming over you like it’s all a big mistake

Oh, I’m holding my breath
Won’t lose you again
something’s made your eyes go cold

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I said to you
He would try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead

Oh, I’m holding my breath
Won’t see you again
something keeps me holding on to nothing

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

I know, I know, I just know
You’re not gone. You can’t be gone. Noooooooo.

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
Won’t finish what you started
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t go back, I’m haunted

You and I walked a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I’d see it break.
Never thought I’d see it…

*A Taylor Swift song that PERFECTLY describes my EXACT feelings for my husband who committed suicide…