Tag Archive | relationships

Self-Care Saturday

My life today, on all accounts, as of right now, is really wonderful. I have a very loving, hard-working, amazing, and supportive husband. I’ve never met anyone in my life who works harder than that man does. My husband provides me with the opportunity to work part time. I know that he knows that I only work part time. It’s not a secret when you’re only working 12 to 5.

Part of me wonders if my husband even knows this. Does Gary know that because of him I get to live such a beautiful, simple life? It’s not extravagant, but it’s comfortable, tranquil. I love
my life. Because of my husband, I am able to give myself more self-care. This is a luxury not very many people are afforded.

What do I do with my time otherwise? I do various things. I play with my bird a lot. Oliver keeps me very entertained. I’m going to start going through things in my house that I just don’t need anymore. Do the happiness cleanse so to speak.  apparently you ask something if it brings you joy and if it doesn’t then you get rid of it. I think it’s brilliant! 

Self-care is going to be the focus of 2020. In more ways than one. Mainly mentally. But I would like to start incorporating some healthier eating and healthier thinking habits. However if I still wanna piece of cheesecake I’m going to eat that damn piece of cheesecake. Because seriously, it’s cheesecake.

I’d like to get one small task done a weekend that I don’t want to do. So, at the end of the day, taking care of something that you don’t want to take care of lifts a feeling of burden and that ends up being self care. For me at least.

I’m not gonna lie. I really do hope 2020 is kinder than 2019. I PRAY it. I came out stronger at the end of 2019. I have done battle scars. I know many other people who have battle scars from 2019 as well. I really, really PRAY that 2020 is kinder to all of us.

I guess now is the time to go do a little closet organizing! 

Go Love Yourself

This morning one of my friends told me I inspired her. I think those were the words she used. My jaw about dropped to the floor since I don’t look ay myself as inspiring in any way. However, as I sit here and write this, I think “why can’t I be inspiring?” I have confessed my mental illness, I most definitely have an eating disorder from years of being told I needed to lose weight. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind for pretty much the last 15 years. I want to be healthy, but it’s certainly not healthy to obsess either. INSTEAD, I am going to work on loving myself right now and taking off the conditions I have put on myself. Like “I’ll love myself more when I lose 10 pounds.” As I write this I realize how RIDICULOUS that even sounds. We want other people to love us unconditionally, but many of us, including myself, aren’t willing to love ourselves unconditionally.

Today is a pretty good day for me mentally. I have woken up all week with 10+ hours of sleep and feeling guilty for not going to the gym. You know what? FUCK IT…..I’m OK!!! The gym does not validate me. GOD validates me. If you don’t believe in God then find something higher than yourself, but also including yourself, and put your value in that. It’s 11:55am and I’m still in my bathrobe, drinking my coffee. I need to go put dinner in the crock pot and get ready to start my day. I work in 30 minutes and I could be telling myself what a loser I am for having done nothing of real importance yet this morning but you know what? Someone told me I inspire them, and that inspired me to write this blog. If it wasn’t for my friend Dawn’s small amount of validation this morning I never would have taken a few minutes to sit down and write this blog. I LOVE to blog. It’s my favorite hobby. I get to sit here and put my thoughts out into the world and hope that someone reads them. Maybe my words will resognate with soemone else. I also get to sit here and watch my cat be a spaz.

Go out and be a FUCKING dragon or a unicorn! Just don’t be an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be intimidated to love yourself. I’m still working on it.

Love,

~B

Blogging…

I was thinking about a girl I know at my gym. She’s so Encouraging and sweet. She came up to me one day last week and told me that she can relate to what I write and that she feels better reading my posts. (OK maybe not those exact words but close). I figure that even if this page/blog only touches ONE person…it’s worth it. To hear that you’ve made a difference is humbling because I don’t look at myself that way. I’m just a girl, with a lot of baggage, STILL figure out where I fit in. I’m in my late 30’s and STILL trying to figure this out. If that means fitting into someone’s life online so they feel better, I guess at the end of the day I accomplished something. ❤️

Journey of Life….

So, I’m on this journey of a sense of self discovery. It’s not as fun as it sounds, but I’m trying to approach it with a glass half full attitude. Life goes through these weird phases where everything is in alignment and going along, seems to be “ok.” Then BAM!!! something comes along to derail your plans or shatters your world. I hear stories everyday of women who are going through “stuff.” What might be big deals to some people may not faze other people. I have some REALLY good friends in my life right now. You know what I love about my best friend? Her grace. She went into our friendship knowing exactly who I was. I never hid myself from her and she continues to love me in spite of myself everyday. She is amazing and I feel lucky that we have each other to confide in.

So, as I’m sitting here having all these amazing discoveries. My surroundings are so funny right now. Hubby watching football, kids and friends houses, and my dogs hanging out. You know what sounds good? Hashbrowns. I have frozen hashbrowns, I think I’m going to go cook some up!

Peace out for now!

~B

Feeling Defeated

All I wanted to do was write. Now I feel self conscious writing about myself. Criticism rarely bothers me. But if you’ve been wondering this is why I haven’t been blogging. It’s not criticism from people I don’t know…it’s criticism from the people I DO know. I don’t know if there is a way to block certain people from reading my blog but if there is would you let me know!?

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I’ve Been a Little Lost…

I haven’t written in quite a few days. I have had a severe case of writers block. This doesn’t generally happen to me. For the most part I have been eager to blog with lots to say; to let you know what’s going on in my life. But lately many things have happened and I have not had the desire to write.

One of my very best friends lost her battle to brain cancer…

Another friend is fighting appendicitis and a liver issue…

My best friends sister has kidney cancer….thankfully it doesn’t look like its spread…

Another friend is in severe back pain and mental pain…

Another friend has something funky going on with her TOE! Hurts like hell!

I know I am missing a few, but you get the point.

I feel very lucky to be healthy. I feel overwhelmed with joy that I am on the right track with my mental health. I have been on my knees for these people in my prayers.

I am so very tired but I have been eager to write SOMETHING….thank you for reading.

Love,

~B

Suicide….I Will Never Be the Same…This Is A State Of Grace…

“Haunted”

You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
but I never thought I’d live to see it break
It’s getting dark and it’s all too quiet
And I can’t trust anything now
And it’s coming over you like it’s all a big mistake

Oh, I’m holding my breath
Won’t lose you again
something’s made your eyes go cold

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted

Come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I said to you
He would try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead

Oh, I’m holding my breath
Won’t see you again
something keeps me holding on to nothing

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
You’re all I wanted
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

I know, I know, I just know
You’re not gone. You can’t be gone. Noooooooo.

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something’s gone terribly wrong
Won’t finish what you started
Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone
Can’t go back, I’m haunted

You and I walked a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I’d see it break.
Never thought I’d see it…

*A Taylor Swift song that PERFECTLY describes my EXACT feelings for my husband who committed suicide…

Dear Craig….

“Dear Craig”

Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
And my mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight
Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let you know why

Dear Craig, I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home, I should’ve known.

Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love then take it away

And you’ll add my name to your long list of traitors who don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret how I ignored when they said,
“Run as fast as you can.”

Dear Craig, I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home

Dear Craig, I see it all now it was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games?
When I loved you so, I should’ve known.

You are an expert at “Sorry”
And keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you’ve run dry have tired lifeless eyes
Cause you’ve burned them out

But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don’t look now
I’m shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

Dear Craig, I see it all now that you’re gone.
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home

I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with?

*Taylor Swift song….I just changed a couple words to make it fit my feelings…

~B

Lives Changed Forever

You really did it this time

Caught yourself in your war path…

lost you balance on the tight rope

lost your mind trying to get it back…

It was easier when you believed in everything

When everyone believed in you…

Are you innocent?

Did some things you couldn’t speak of…

The bottle makes you live it all again

Wasn’t it easier in your childhood days…

Wasn’t it beautiful before the monsters came after you

Your lights still shines for me…

Who you are is not what you did

Everyone of us has messed up too…

Lives changed forever

Changed

Let me know it’s not all in my mind

I want to go there and have you to find…

Everything has changed

All I know is that I want to say hello…

You and I walk a fragile line

it’s so dark and I can’t trust anything now…

I’m holding my breath

But I lose you again

Don’t leave me like this…

I still mean everything I said

I’m holding my breath

Your all I wanted…

I feel so haunted…

I know….I know…

your no good, you can’t be good…

Something went terribly wrong

I can’t breathe now that your gone…

The pain from the suicide has me trapped and walking a fragile line….

Negativity…

This whole blog thing was so
That I could write without judgment. I shouldn’t care what people think about what I write but it’s been brought to my attention by a couple people in my world. It makes me want to delete this and start a new one that no one knows me on. Is this blog really making people view me more negatively? I must wonder what people are t saying but thinking. But then I think, do I really care? The whole point was to NOT care. That’s turning out to be harder than I expected. Unexpected criticism is a blow…. Any thoughts on this? Please?

Seize Every Opportunity……

Tonight my son, Taylor, was telling me about one of the new friends he’s made at school. My son is a freshman and has never really hung out with a group of “guys” until just recently. Anyway, he was telling me how humbly this young man and his father live due to his father not making a lot of money. This young man had to grow up fast because his mother abandoned him and his father. They are Hispanic, and it sounds like the father works a crazy amount of hours 6 days a week to provide for his son. Taylor was telling me that they had some deep conversations a few nights ago. One of them caught my ear. He said his friend LOVES to cook, and would make a whole chicken and cornbread every night if he could.

I found this to be an EXCELLENT opportunity to teach my son about human conectivity….seeing a need and helping if possible. I got on Facebook, placed a wanted ad for a free or small fee rotisserie for this young man and his father. In about 10 minutes we got a response from a lady that had one she was willing to donate. Taylor was FLOORED that I cared enough to help his friend. But I know what it’s like to be that kid. I grew up very poor with a single mom who worked whatever hours she could get. It was hard.

I am NOT writing this post to get kudos for doing a good deed. I am writing it because I am hoping to inspire other parents to teach their children about kindness. We are living in a world that’s so “all about me” anymore and it’s sad. We should be helping one another where we can. I use EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY I can get to teach my kids a lesson in something. Every conversation can lead to a moment of opportunity to TEACH.

This conversation turned into me telling Taylor how many times I used to overdraft my checking account when I was a young adult because no one ever taught me what a budget was. This turned into giving him examples of several ways banks work.

I feel fortunate that I am so incredibly close with my children. When I talk, they listen. It’s important to build this foundation of trust from an early age.

I am also learning how to give them a LOT more freedom than I ever thought I would be giving them at their ages. They have earned these privileges. But that’s exactly what they are PRIVILEGES; because as fast as they earn them, if they mess up, they can be taken away. Lack of consistency in your discipline will cause your child to question whether you will stick to what you say. Let your YES be YES and your NO mean NO….PERIOD. DO NOT GIVE IN! Let them cry, throw fits, whatever, but do not give in because the second you do, they just learned that they can manipulate you to get what they want if their persistent long enough.

Every single moment is a learning opportunity; it’s your job to spot them and work the conversation into that opportunity without making it sound like a lecture. I’m a total softie when it comes to my kids when they are doing well, but I am a total hard-ass when they are screwing up. It’s a fine balance. It’s not easy and sometimes I stop to question if I am doing it right. But I know that I am doing the best I know how. My goal is to teach my kids all the lessons that I didn’t learn as growing up. Isn’t that the point? To break the cycle of dysfunction and help our children achieve their lives dreams?

So commit….if you are a mom or a dad it is your DUTY to commit to your child everyday. I know I am not perfect but I do give a lot of good advice I’m told. If you have a parenting question that you would like to ask please feel free to email me at nailtechconfessionals@gmail.com. Your question might be something someone else if wondering as well. We are a community, let’s help one another! If I don’t know the answer to your question, I will simply tell you. I won’t make you THINK I know what I’m talking about. I will write more on this later but I am really tired and gonna head to bed.

Loves,

~B

Straddling Faith…Do you?

I had the pleasure of seeing my client/friend Amy today. It is always a pleasure talking to her, but today was different. We talked about the trials and tribulations of life, we talked about the ups and downs and how we deal with each. As we sat and chatted it became quickly apparent that we are very much alike. When sadness falls we tend to withdraw from the world and hide.

She made a very striking point today. She said, “I find myself straddling faith most times.” I asked her what she meant. She said, “When times are dark, I notice how I praise the Lord and put all my faith in Him, but when times are good, I barely acknowledge his presence in my life!” I was dumbfounded when she said this because it struck so close to home for me. Now you don’t have to believe in God to understand what she’s saying here. When times are BAD we tend to pray to God, the universe, Buddha, or whatever higher power you believe in; for me it’s God. But when things are GOOD we don’t give credit where credit is due. I don’t hear myself thanking God when I’m doing wonderful, or anyone else just “thanking the universe” for a great day.

Amy said, I believe that God is allowing me to go through a valley in order for me to refocus on Him. My thoughts on this are “This is a pretty shitty Valley, Amy….but ok” lol. But….she’s RIGHT! God gives us valleys to draw us closer to Him. Which in some ways really freaks me out since I have strayed from God, and haven’t had any major valleys lately. I’d like to think that I always give God the credit for everything, but unfortunately that is not true. How can we take so much responsibility for all the blessings we are given?

I suppose this is where atheists believe that “fate” comes in. I don’t necessarily believe in fate or karma, however you will here me speak of it. When I say the words fate and karma, what I am truly saying is “God.”

Ever since I left my church I have become increasingly ashamed of my faith in God. Why is this? And more importantly, how AWFUL is this? Why should I be ashamed of what I believe? Because there are people out there who have given God a bad name? No one goes around giving the “universe” a bad name! I HATE the word Christian because there are so many HORRIBLE Christians in the world. I know several atheists who are better people than some of the Christians I know. Just because you claim to believe in God or anything else for that matter doesn’t automatically make you a good person. But I truly am a GOOD person. I am NOT perfect, I have tons of flaws, but I am a human being who generally has good intentions when it comes to others.

I would like to think that my friend, Amy, has given me a lot to think about when it comes to straddling faith. Do you straddle? I would love to hear other thoughts and opinions on this….

~B

Happy Valentine’s Day Hubby….

You saved me when I needed it most

I know that God was our host…

You are the most patient man I know

I think God knew you were the perfect beau…

Marriage has been quite tiresome it seems

BUT you now have me on your baseball team!

I don’t feel lonely on this day

Probably because you spoil me everyday…

You are my hero there is no doubt

You love me even when I’m acting out…

Thank you for putting up with me

I can’t imagine life without you Gary…

I love you…

~B

Our first date....

Our first date….