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Dreams and Nonsense 

Dec29

Disclaimer: I deal with uncomfortable topics about myself with humor. I don’t know if anyone will find the humor in this…but here it goes….

I did some blood work and my body was burning through my meds pretty fast. So my doctor upped my dose of medication. Slowly obviously. I’m on an anti-psychotic. Ok, now take that in….I have to sometimes laugh at this. ANTI-PSYCHOTIC…..to quote my favorite author Jenny Lawson, “Just tell everyone in the pharmacy line that your impatiently waiting to get your anti-psychotic and watch the line part like Moses and the Red Sea!” 

(Let me wipe my tears of laughter). 

Quick side note; I just sneezed/laughed and half my anti-anxiety meds just came out. I think it’s justifiable to grab another. I need a good nights sleep which is where this post is going eventually…..

Ok, soooo, I’ve been taking these meds at night because their supposed to make you tired. However; I’ve been having the most VIVID weirdest dreams. I have a friend Jaimie who does nails and I dreamt that she could do an entire sea sculpture on someone’s nails! (She’s fantastic, but wow!) If she could do what I dreamt she’d be a millionaire. Or….people would have sea horses on their nails. Either way it’s a win/win. Because really, who WOULDN’T want a cute little sea horse on their nails! Maybe I should call her….

Ok, I’m getting off track. And for the record, until I started this new dose of medication, I NEVER dreamt. I see as a common theme in the dreams lately is that just before I wake up in the morning my dream usually pertains to my situation currently. Many of you know my children so I’ll protect their privacy…(that won’t last long). One day when I have a book published I promise they’ll get a cut. Actually they probably won’t, because if my son gets into a musical theatre school, and my daughter becomes a veterinarian, this book MIGHT pay for that! Except this isn’t a book. But if you want to pay to read this I can send you my address as to where you can mail a check. It’s for a good cause….children’s education!

ANYWAY….I have these dreams and their so vivid, some are disturbing and some I wake up going “huh”???? I’m still thinking I need to call Jaimie to see if she knows about this ocean sculpture nail stuff….maybe I have telepathy!? 

So, here’s the real test. TONIGHT I’m not taking it. (I really need to sleep). Instead I’m going to take it in the morning. (Will I day dream?) 🤔

Side note: did you know your in REM sleep when your dreaming? I wouldn’t think so because if I can REMEMBER my dreams on a nightly basis, I’m thinking I’m not getting much quality sleep.

I’ll let you know what I find out. Oh, and I changed Siri to the make British dude today because that’s what it was in one of my dreams….that’s right folks! Following my dreams!!! 
~B😏

Mental Health and Meds 

Dec10

I just got my blood levels back from my doctor and they are extremely low as far as the medication in my blood system. she is upping my dosage by another hundred milligrams. The Anxiety, depression, and paranoia are becoming overbearing. Hopefully this helps a great deal….

I encourage anyone who is on medication to ask the doctors about getting a blood level done for the medication they’re on. It’s Just a simple blood test can be done for pretty much any medication that you use for mental health. Most medications have a range, if you’re on the low end of that range it means that they can up your medication safely. I also encourage you to only go to a psychiatrist not a family practitioner. Family practitioners are not solely schooled in the area of mental health. They are schooled in the area of general medicine.

Got Mental Meds? 

Dec9

I just got my blood levels back from my doctor and they are extremely low as far as the medication in my blood system. she is upping my dosage by another hundred milligrams. The Anxiety, depression, and paranoia are becoming overbearing. Hopefully this helps a great deal….

I encourage anyone who is on medication to ask the doctors about getting a blood level done for the medication they’re on. It’s Just a simple blood test can be done for pretty much any medication that you use for mental health. Most medications have a range, if you’re on the low end of that range it means that they can up your medication safely. I also encourage you to only go to a psychiatrist not a family practitioner. Family practitioners are not solely schooled in the area of mental health. They are schooled in the area of general medicine.

~B

Got Facebook?

Dec6

Come like a new page! Where mental illness is not a “taboo” subject….and truly, I’m looking to not feel alone in this journey. Don’t want to post because it’s public? Send me a message, we could chat anonymously and decide to   post it to get feedback (anonymously)….I’m hoping to build a community…..plus we need to talk about relationships, friends, CHILDREN….I love to talk and blog. I’m a tad socially awkward but hopefully you can look beyond that…..I think I’m funny……come laugh, and maybe spend some time on a new page that’s looking for some love and acceptance. 😁🙏😏 you can’t just like this post, you have to come INTO the page and LIKE the page🙏 this is just a promotional post that reaches thousands more people than promoting the page itself. Weird, I know….come on in! 

Confessions of a Nail Tech- The Blog 

~B❤️

  

Confession of a Nail Tech- The Blog

Stepping Off My Soapbox…

Nov27

 I have a lot to be grateful for…. I don’t see the blessings of my extended family until their upon me. I complain a lot and threaten that one day I’ll disown them. Here’s what I learned tonight….*wait, I need to step off my soap box…..* there. That’s better. 

I’m thankful for my mom- she’s crazy, I try not to be like her but as I get older I know I am like her. I want to be involved in my kids’ lives and I want people to like me and I just want to fit in. Nuff said….

I’m thankful for my first born son- he’s taught me so much about acceptance, love, and tolerance. He’s one of my best friends. We have so much in common it’s mind boggling. We are a mother/son success story. One that I’ll tell someday. 

I’m thankful for my only daughter- she’s taught me that having a teenage daughter doesn’t have to be hard all the time. While we are still trying to figure out how to become friends and keep the mom card in tact; she is a constant reminder that I can break the cycle….she is pure….I will treasure that while it lasts. 

I’m thankful for my little sister!!! She is 7 years younger and she’s so incredible!! She’s free-spirited, beautiful, can tell the best stories, and has a compassion for helping people; that is beautiful. She’s incredible. 

I’m thankful for my youngest Aunt- he love has been a humbling experience. No story in this to ever come….

I’m thankful for my cousin Zac- 5 months sober off a very addictive drug and seeking the wisdom and security of the lord. I looked at him tonight and saw a light in his eyes I haven’t seen in years. He is so handsome and I hope he goes on to fulfill all his hopes and dreams. 

I’m thankful for my Grandma- she helped raise me. She has some cooky thoughts and ideas (I blame her for mine) but she’s 77 so she’s entitled. (I, on the other hand… I’m just self entitled). She makes me laugh. Tonight I had to accept that she is indeed sicker than I want to admit. Denial is a safe place to hide out. BUT….she did look better than last year and she even said so herself. I can’t write anything else without crying so I’m moving on….
 

I’m thankful for my step-son- I’m thankful that he chose to hang out with us and his dad today. 

Last but certainly NOT LEAST I am so incredibly thankful for my husband. We’ve had our fair share of “this is the end!” Over the last 7 years. But we’ve made it this far!!! He had NO idea he was marrying someone who was slightly (*slightly make it sound better) unadjusted by a form of mental illness that’s just debilitating enough to be a problem. I feel lucky he’s chosen to hang out and be by my side. I feel lucky that he’s recognizing when I’ve had to much. Medication adjustments and trialing new ones are the worst. I have to hand it to him for sticking it out. He’s not perfect but I’m pretty sure he’s the perfect one for me. 🙏

*I’m thankful for my friends….I’m
Hoping my transparency weeds out the ones not willing to see me through life’s challenges. I’m 100% in or 100% out. I’m thankful for non-high maintenance friends. We can pick up right where we left off without feeling weird or guilty. Sometimes I fall off the planet due to my head. It’s noticeable when your friends just text you a “hello” or an encouraging word. I try not to be that high maintenance friend who’s needy. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and convinces me that every look, tone of voice, or interaction with someone I care about is more that what it is. The analytical portion of my brain is exhausting. BRAVO…., if you’ve kept up or are wanting to. Relationships are what drive me; my Family, friends and work. I love you all; Even in the moments I crawl into a hole for up to as much as a week at a time. Which is pretty much just my bed those days after Work. I’m going to work on this….

~B

  

We All Possess A Trunk! 

Nov24

Random fact….”The Trunk or torso is an anatomical term for the central part of the many animal bodies (including that of the human) from which extend the neck and limbs. The trunk includes the thorax and the abdomen.”
So in my screwy way of thinking…I possess a TRUNK! Either way that’s what elephants possess. Just a different body part! SOOOOO…….elephants are BRILLIANT! Which means technically I’ve been right my whole life…I am brilliant! Now if everyone could see this that’d be great! 🙏
(Let’s face it, God HAD to give us a different kind of trunk or we’d all go around looking like we had penis’ on our faces, and THAT would be weird)!😜

Blogging…

Nov24

I was thinking about a girl I know at my gym. She’s so Encouraging and sweet. She came up to me one day last week and told me that she can relate to what I write and that she feels better reading my posts. (OK maybe not those exact words but close). I figure that even if this page/blog only touches ONE person…it’s worth it. To hear that you’ve made a difference is humbling because I don’t look at myself that way. I’m just a girl, with a lot of baggage, STILL figure out where I fit in. I’m in my late 30’s and STILL trying to figure this out. If that means fitting into someone’s life online so they feel better, I guess at the end of the day I accomplished something. ❤️

My Dream Thanksgiving….

Nov22

It saddens me deep to my core that my husband and I feel the same way about the holidays. Neither one of us are close to our immediate families. He was close with his until his mom passed away about 1 1/2 years ago. She was the rock….the foundation. This’ll be our first year not attending Thanksgiving at all with his side. It feels weird. My family is coming over, but not my mom or sister. Both for different reasons. But I’m closer to my mom and sister than anyone else who’s coming. It makes me sad that the two people I love won’t be here. Luckily, my mom gets to come teach me and my kids to make pies on Thanksgiving day in the morning. I’m trying hard to have a relationship with my mom as we’ve never been overly close. I’d like to make some family memories with her and my kids. Life is short. You never know when it’s going to end. (I know your prob wondering where I’m going with this). 

Here’s the deal; when my grandmother passes away we will (most likely) stop having Thansgiving my extended family. (Please don’t feel bad for me yet). I have HOPES AND DREAMS of what Thanksgiving will look like in the FUTURE! See, my kids will be adults in 2 and 3 years. Both off to college. My DREAM Thanksgivings would be as follows:

Both kids will arrive home from college; maybe with a friend who doesn’t have a family to go home to. They’ll unpack in their rooms and come tell me everything I don’t already know about their lives. (Because the multiple phone calls home a day won’t be enough). 😉

Upon arrival we will bake in preparation for Thanksgiving; hopefully with my mom, my sister, my sisters husband, and his mom. The husbands will sit back and watch football all day with a drink in their hand. My husband admiralty watching how happy his wife is to have the children home for a short time. 

We will watch movies, visit, and reminance about old times…..This would be the most PERFECT and ideal Thanksgiving…..

I may or may not have cried while writing this…..hoping that someday we’ll look forward to the holidays again because our kids will bring back the significance. While someday bringing home their significant others for us to meet. (For some reason Thanksgiving seems like an opportune time to introduce a SO. (Prob all the sappy movies I watch).  It’ll just blossom…..THAT is my hope and prayer..
  

Depression and the Holidays……This Shit is REAL……

Nov17

Depression is a debilitating illness. One that strikes everyone at some point in there lives. Clinical depression is where depression cycles continually affecting a persons life. Then there’s circumstantial depression. The depression that comes on merely by circumstances. I call it circumstantial depression. I don’t know if that’s a real term but I’m using it. And if it’s not a term and it becomes one….I’m OWNING that! I’m totally getting recognized for making up some amazing psychological term! Ok, back to my point, Lets face it, the holidays are hard for most people. The more the years go on the more pressure there is to buy your kids the latest this or that. Who can make their house sing? Who can build the best ANYTHING…..I feel like humanity is in this competition and I’m melting under the pressure. 
 Here’s my issue…..(please feel free to share yours when I’m done), The pressure of extended family….for some people this isn’t an issue at all. Some people LOVE and look forward to everyone coming over. As I talk to more people I’m realizing that I’m not alone. So many people feel the obligation to have the holidays with people they only see or talk to once or twice a year. Personally, I’m over it. I’m really close to just canceling Thanksgiving altogether this year. No one in my family gets along…they just “pretend” to like each other so we can bullshit our way through the one day that makes us feel like a family all the while knowing that most of us are silently judging each other. Sad huh? I used to LOVE the holidays. I remember when we’d have Christmas and Thanksgiving and it was fun. Then it stopped. People started fighting, drudging up shit from the past….I CAN’T HANDLE IT ANYMORE!

You know what I would do if it were up to me? I’d find my friends who don’t have plans for Thanksgiving and invite them over! This would be FUN! Like SOOOOO fun! (And drink wine, sing and dance to Taylor Swift….ok maybe Tay-Tay is taking it a bit far; well for some people. But this is my daydream do I can pretty much do whatever I want). 

 One of the most memorable Thanksgivings I ever had was just after my first husband passed away. I spent it with some friends who had some of our other friends over as well. It was a BLAST! No awkward conversation, no pretending that you like each other. It was by far the most genuine Thanksgiving I remember thus far. I asked my husband if we could do that this year and he looks at me like I was crazy. I don’t think it’s crazy. I think it’s about choosing who you want to spend your valuable time with. And for me….that my circumstantial depression. Please tell me I’m not alone.  
Ps….I just started running. I’m hoping that helps.

~B
  

Confessions of a Nail Tech- The blog is now on Facebook! 

Nov16

Confessions of a nail tech- the blog

I’m excited to share my journey of being a mom, wife, and business owner with people all over the world. My children are 14 (girl), 16 (boy). I struggle with mental clarity. There’s a diagnosis (for the most part) but I don’t fit just one model….I guess that makes me special and my family LUCKY! 
Much of the material you see is taken from my blog….if needed I will date the material and give a prologue…
A little more about me….I have a Bachelors degree in psychology. I use my degree everyday BECAUSE I’m a nail tech (Hence the page name). 😉 I get to sit and share stories with women all day. I have heard some of the most fascinating life stories! While I wanted to get my PhD and become a psychologist; I decided that raising my children needed to be my first priority. 
I was married to my first husband for just under 2 years before he committed suicide. I have since remarried to a wonderful man (even though we drive each other crazy…A LOT 🙈). He has chosen to love and accept me for who I am; and in my opinion I can be a handful at times. 
Thank GOD for my amazing psychiatrist. The medication seems to be working. 
A little about my children….My son is gay (if this bothers you this is not the place for you). He is one of my best friends, when I’m not wearing my “mom hat.” I’m developing that friendship with my daughter but must use my “mom hat” a bit more often with her. My daughter is fierce; she’s a go getter and wants to become a rescue veterinarian. My son is meant to be on stage. He plans to study musical theatre. 
I support the right for people to be who they are individually. Gay, straight, trans, pan sexual, A sexual etc. Finding who you are and where you belong in this world can be scary and uncertain. I wish it didn’t need to be this way. 
I am respectful of all beliefs even if mine is not the same as yours. I believe in Jesus. If you don’t, please don’t leave….I carry NO judgement. Judgement is not my cross to bear. I’m liberal and believe in women’s rights and feminism. (And I believe in Jesus) Crazy….I know. 
This is a supportive, positive environment. No bullying will be tolerated. Please play nice and share your stories….support one another. It’s going to feel nice knowing I’m not alone in this “The struggle we call life”; especially when dealing with any form of mental illness while trying to make our lives as normal as we can tends to bear some form of weight for everyone. 
Please keep in mind this is a public page. The reason I decided to do this was so I could promote it. Invite people to join me….A closed group does not allow me to promote the page. 
Trolls will be deleted and banned. Please message me if you have a concern. I will respond as soon as I’m able.
And if you’ve managed to stay and read this far….maybe you’ll share this page with your friends. ❤️
Let the journey begin!!!!!
For those of you who know me I have chosen to keep my identity private from the public who doesn’t know me, only because it is I’d like to protect my children at this age. I’m not putting any sensitive material on there but there might be a little bit from time to time. Mostly I want to protect the identity of the people around me that I tell stories about.😂

The “Heart of Judy” 

Oct3

My forever inspiration....Judy....

My forever inspiration….Judy….

Tonight I went to my former hairdresser’s Celebration of Life. When she started doing my hair she was 60, I had just turned 21. She died at a young age of 71. Judy was incredible. Judy walked me through the pregnancy of my first child and how incredibly scared I was. The shock of finding out I was pregnant AGAIN less than 2 years later (again scared to death). She was supportive in my reasons to leave my children’s dad, then watched me have an affair, marry that man, and then helped me walk through the agonizing death of that same husband who committed suicide. She then encouraged me through the courtship and marriage of my current husband Gary.

In the 12 years that Judy was my hairdresser she heard many MANY stories about my life as you can see. Constantly walking me through the weathering of storms. And clearly, as you can imagine just from the above, brief description, she held my hand through a lot. She wiped my tears, hugged me like a second mom/grandmother. I NEVER once felt judged for anything I did even though I knew that she knew some paths I was/had taken were wrong. Judy would listen, nod, and give gentle words of encouragement; gentle words of wisdom. If I could describe it, I would describe it as playing the “devils advocate, with the heart of Jesus.” So tender and loving, but always speaking the truth even if wasn’t what I wanted to hear; It’s what I needed to hear. She ALWAYS spoke truth in love and prayer.

Tonight, as I reminisced in my head all the accounts of my life I had shared with Judy, I had what some would call a “come to Jesus moment”. You see, Judy loved fiercely. She never judged; 12 years I spent with Judy. In 2009 I became a nail technician. In that time I started working in a salon with my dearest friend Tina. I decided it was time to “try someone new” (as I recently heard from one of my own long-time clients). With Judy I felt like I had reached the end of an era. I made an appointment to go talk with her. As I told her I was going to try Tina, she looked at me with the utmost love in her beautiful eyes and told me she understood, would miss me so much, asked me to please come visit, and gave me the most beautiful and fierce hug I will never forget.

As I walk in the same shoes, as a nail tech, being a “sober man’s bartender” for lack of a better term; experiencing and embracing my clients lives; I’ve come to realize I have not extended that same grace to my clients who’ve left. I’ve had several clients leave, all for different reasons. Two specifically were very painful, as I loved them fiercely, and walked with them through many journeys in their lives. I have to wonder…..why didn’t they come to me as I had Judy? Was it because they thought or knew I would be upset? As I sat tonight pondering my most recent encounter with my friend/client Tricia, I realized maybe she didn’t think she could tell me. After prying enough, through what I knew was coming, she told me she wanted to “try someone new” that it wasn’t personal, she loved my work, and that she still wanted to be friends. I wasn’t Judy in that moment. I wasn’t the heart of Jesus. I was angry, I felt betrayed, I took it personally because she had been with me for 4 years. We spent time together outside the salon; just like Judy had with me. I was with Judy THREE TIMES longer than Tricia has been with me. To top it off I ranted on Facebook about it leaving out her name. I know she had to have seen it and it probably really hurt her. It probably solidified what she thought might happen if she’d just told me the truth. I do believe I would still have been hurt; but less hurt had she come to me in person; however maybe she didn’t know this.

I want to be a Judy. See….if things didn’t work out with Tina, Judy would’ve taken me back in a split second. No awkwardness. I made it awkward for Tricia to ever possibly come back. But what I want her to know is that I learned tonight that no matter how much you care for someone; they may decide it’s the end of their era with me. Maybe they’ll be back. Maybe they won’t. But it’s my job to make sure everyone feels as though they would be welcomed back. I plan to apologize. I don’t know what will happen. But whatever does happen…..I’ll be ok with it. I know I messed up after tonight. I feel terrible.

Tonight I gained perspective, moments of clarity, and knowing I have the ability to make new choices and become wiser. I hope she can forgive me, that we can have that dinner and drinks she originally suggested. I hope it’s not irreparable. However; if it is….I’ll gracefully take the blame. 99% of this could have been avoided if I had approached it with a “Judy” heart.

I think I might make a sign for my shop that is always in my sight that says “approach this from a “Judy’s heart” knowing that means no judgment, no hard feelings. I plan to attempt this in all aspects of my life. Not just my business life. Many people have extended grace to me when I’ve messed up. It’s time to have Judy and Jesus’s heart and do the same…..
~B💗