Tag Archive | faith

Faith

  

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Straddling Faith…Do you?

I had the pleasure of seeing my client/friend Amy today. It is always a pleasure talking to her, but today was different. We talked about the trials and tribulations of life, we talked about the ups and downs and how we deal with each. As we sat and chatted it became quickly apparent that we are very much alike. When sadness falls we tend to withdraw from the world and hide.

She made a very striking point today. She said, “I find myself straddling faith most times.” I asked her what she meant. She said, “When times are dark, I notice how I praise the Lord and put all my faith in Him, but when times are good, I barely acknowledge his presence in my life!” I was dumbfounded when she said this because it struck so close to home for me. Now you don’t have to believe in God to understand what she’s saying here. When times are BAD we tend to pray to God, the universe, Buddha, or whatever higher power you believe in; for me it’s God. But when things are GOOD we don’t give credit where credit is due. I don’t hear myself thanking God when I’m doing wonderful, or anyone else just “thanking the universe” for a great day.

Amy said, I believe that God is allowing me to go through a valley in order for me to refocus on Him. My thoughts on this are “This is a pretty shitty Valley, Amy….but ok” lol. But….she’s RIGHT! God gives us valleys to draw us closer to Him. Which in some ways really freaks me out since I have strayed from God, and haven’t had any major valleys lately. I’d like to think that I always give God the credit for everything, but unfortunately that is not true. How can we take so much responsibility for all the blessings we are given?

I suppose this is where atheists believe that “fate” comes in. I don’t necessarily believe in fate or karma, however you will here me speak of it. When I say the words fate and karma, what I am truly saying is “God.”

Ever since I left my church I have become increasingly ashamed of my faith in God. Why is this? And more importantly, how AWFUL is this? Why should I be ashamed of what I believe? Because there are people out there who have given God a bad name? No one goes around giving the “universe” a bad name! I HATE the word Christian because there are so many HORRIBLE Christians in the world. I know several atheists who are better people than some of the Christians I know. Just because you claim to believe in God or anything else for that matter doesn’t automatically make you a good person. But I truly am a GOOD person. I am NOT perfect, I have tons of flaws, but I am a human being who generally has good intentions when it comes to others.

I would like to think that my friend, Amy, has given me a lot to think about when it comes to straddling faith. Do you straddle? I would love to hear other thoughts and opinions on this….

~B

Why I hate being a wife….

Simply put? Because I’m not good at it and I hate to fail….

OK, just so you know, I approach most hard-to-deal-with subjects with humor, because it makes me feel better about my short-comings as a human being, because quite frankly I SUCK at this human thing quite a bit…especially the wife part….

Let see…Me as a wife in a nutshell… I am controlling, stubborn, mean, always right, egotistical, self-centered, impulsive, narcissistic, and sometimes down-right cruel.

My husband? Completely the opposite of me….kind, loving, thoughtful, others-centered, patient, good-natured, WONDERFUL overall husband!

How we’re still together? It can ONLY be GOD! It is the ONLY explanation I have….

I won’t lie, I pride myself on the inside about being good at many things that I do. I feel I am good at raising well-balanced children, maintaining a decent small business, and being a good friend. The one thing I SUCK the most at? Being a wife. It’s the one area that I contradict myself the most on. I expect things out of marriage that I am not necessarily always willing to give in return. I am not good with compromise, and I’m not good with forgiveness. Now…don’t get me wrong, I expect all of these from my husband, BUT I am not always great about returning the grace. It’s a terrible quality to have, I am NOT bragging clearly. Being a mother did not come naturally to me either. It took me YEARS to figure it out. I won’t say I have mastered it, but I think I am pretty good. But being a wife? Not so much….

Ugh….I have been married (this time) for 5 1/2 years (I don’t count the first one since he passed away, and I wasn’t married to the kids dad). Now and I can tell you that it’s been pretty miserable for my husband. It hasn’t ALL been bad, and I absolutely do not take full responsibility for where things have gone wrong. I wish I put my foot down FASTER in some areas, would’ve been more assertive in other areas, BUT the one thing I WASN’T, was NICE and LOVING. I feel like I was generally nice at first (like in the beginning), but when the results weren’t what I thought they should be; I was a venomous snake. See, I believe that I am right about things like 90% of the time, and truly I do believe this. I have had a lot of life experience and I think I am very smart, and intuitive most of the time. I had a marriage counselor once tell me, “You can be 100% right and be dead WRONG at the same time.” I was very confused by this statement. What she meant was, you can be right about something but completely wrong in your delivery, making the other person not even wanting to hear you out. How true is that? I will agree with her that it is true, but I am hot-headed with a short temper. Ask anyone who’s ever dated me.

I am working on this and I have a VERY patient husband. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like everyday of his life has been a living hell, CLOSE…(lol) but not everyday. I have done some things to make it better, and I will share these with you.

1. Kids, I learned early on that our kids are our kids SEPARATELY, meaning “You parent yours and I’ll parent mine.” We have very different parenting styles and I prefer mine. Clearly my kids have to do what they’re told by him, and be respectful to him, but for the most part I do the “parenting” portion with my children…I prefer it this way. It’s not the way I WANTED it when we got married but it is unfortunately the way it ended up. Step-families are very complicated and just because you think you have it all figured out BEFORE you get married, well I hate to say it my friends, but I bet you are sorely disappointed if you, yourself, are in a step-family situation. If you CAN parent together in this situation, my hats are off to you!

2. Money, You make yours and I will make mine. If it were up to me, we’d have separate accounts and just split all the bills evenly, but it’s working OK how it is jointly, we just don’t see eye to eye on how to handle our finances. I say that if this is the case, and you make a fairly equal amount of money or can split the bills evenly so that its overall fair, and everyone is happy…DO IT! Finances are NOT worth fighting about especially when it can be solved with separate checking accounts. I am completely for this. My husband is not, which is fine, we shall continue to see how this works out….

3. Sex, I have a TERRIBLE sex drive. There are 5 MILLION different reasons why this is and I will only list a couple…I think a lot of this is attributed to the fact that my estrogen was sky-high at 654 (it should be at 124, and is currently at 234). According to my doctor this is what has made me want to KILL anyone and everyone in my path (my whole life) about 2 weeks out of the month. She actually asked me how I wasn’t locked up in a loony bin with these numbers. (I asked her if she could admit me to the loony bin just so I could “go on vacation” for a few days. She got a good chuckle out of that. I also had like NO progesterone. Sky high estrogen – no progesterone = a VERY BITCHY woman! My doctor has me on progesterone, an estrogen blocker, and just before Thanksgiving I recently asked for an anti-depressant because the hormone control was not working solely as a problem solver like I thought it would. I LOVE my anti-depressant! I would eat that stuff like it was damn candy! If you’re wondering, so you can get yourself some happiness, and will-power to live, I am on Wellbutrin (300mg) BEST SHIT EVER!!! No weight gain side effects, and I think my sex drive has slightly improved.

I really am trying a harder to be a better wife but sometimes its just HARD! I don’t want to compromise and most of the time, lately, I just want to be alone, which isn’t fair to my husband obviously. It’s not like I don’t like him or love him, I totally do, but sometimes being married interferes with what I want to do, decisions I want to make without consulting another human being etc. I KNOW this is selfish so you don’t have to tell me. I am a MAJOR work in process and quite frankly I don’t know how he does it most weeks. Personally I don’t want to put up with me most days, so I really think God sent an angel because ONLY an angel could put up with me 99% of the time. Clearly I am very difficult….but hey, like I said, I am a work in progress…

So Husband, IF you read this, please know that I love you, I am completely aware of my shortcomings, and I am working on trying to be better…but I think it is going to take my whole life to really get it right….So for all the things I may do in the future that are shitty, I would like to take the time NOW to apologize…just to save time. lol

Love,

~B

Talk around the shop….(Or is it therapy?)

Some of the topics I discussed this week with my beloved clients…I build STRONG bonds with people everyday. Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry. It’s more like 1 1/2 hours of therapy than clients coming to get their nails done. I love that they can open up so easily to me with such personal information…I have the BEST “job” ever!

1. I am going to court about my divorce this week…

2. I named my tumor “Bob”, so now I just blame everything on “Bob”

3. I had a baby that died at the hands of his father at 6 months old…

4. I am working to save my marriage because I know it’s what God wants

5. My granddaughter is getting her bone marrow tests done…she has leukemia

6. I woke up to my boyfriend slamming his elbow into my back when I was 4 months pregnant because he was drunk

7. My husband might have to go on deployment to Afganistan

8. I’m moving to Arizona…I will miss you Bridget and hope we can stay friends. (I am SOOO sad)….

9. I’m meeting Norman Reedus this weekend!

10. I have a step-daughter that thinks her father is dead….

11.My niece died from an accidental overdose on Tuesday…

12. I’m pretty sure I failed as a mother even though I loved them so much. I loved them to much by giving them whatever they want….

View from my shop...Perks of working from home.

View from my shop…Perks of working from home.

Love….

I’m feeling so sad tonight. Love can be so tragic, so mind-blowing, so altering of our every existence. It is beautiful, heart warming, and phenomenal, and at the same time it can be draining and heartbreaking. Two of my most favorite people in the world are most likely breaking up. One of these people I am much closer to than the other, but he became a brother to me of sorts. He always made me stop and think about my actions when I was disgruntled in my own marriage….He always made me think about the ramifications of divorce and loss. I guess it’s hard to understand how two beautiful people can’t coexist due to difficulties that can’t be seen eye to eye on. How can we be so stubborn that we can’t just lie down what the other person needs from us and realize that healthy relationships are based on compromise? Now don’t get me wrong, I am NO expert on love. I am one of the most selfish people on the planet when it comes to getting my way. I really am trying to work on this, but in a blended family that can be hard. I wish I could have had a better model for what love should’ve been growing up, but I didn’t, and I suppose that’s ok. It is what it is. I’ve been through lots of years of counseling and love has been the sole topic of conversation more times than I can count. I’ve always been one of those people to have “One foot out the door” so to speak. I know that is not an awesome quality to portray so I am again, “working on it.” When it comes to “bad relationships” I am full of advice and wit, as I have been in lots of those. I listen to women all day long talk about how their husbands have cheated on them, how their boyfriends are mean and selfish, story after story about heartache and pain. Most of these girls are young and just have to learn by going through it and realizing nothing will probably ever change. My heart aches for each one of these young ladies because I have been in their exact same shoes before and, like them, I probably wouldn’t have listened to advice either. I just want to take each of these young ladies under my wing, play movie clips of my former marriage, so they can see what I have been through, because it parodies their life so incredibly much.

The problem? We all learn on our own and at our own rate. We all think that “our situation” will be different, that we will be the ones to show everyone that they were wrong and we CAN change the person we’re with. If we leave just ONE MORE TIME, then maybe the other person will turn their life around and quit being selfish. Sometimes it works, I know a girl about my age that it did work for, but he WANTED his family more than his alcoholic behavior; he’s a new man, a man that has allowed his testimony to be used for the good of others, she is one of the few and lucky ones.

It’s hard when you realize that you really love both people involved in a (potential) breakup and in this instance it’s even harder as my heart can only be loyal to one. I sit here and I cry, a deep cry, because I feel the loss and the pain. Maybe something can be done to save it…I will hold out hope because I never saw this coming….

I didn’t bother to edit this piece much, so it’s raw and not grammatically completely correct I’m sure. I’m trying to type through all the tears. Many of the pieces I have written I have cried during, but since they were so personal I took several days to edit. This is just raw….

~B

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First Song My Husband Ever Played For Me….

“The One”

No rush though I need your touch
I won’t rush your heart
Until you feel on solid ground
Until your strength is found, girl

I’ll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I’ll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Somebody else was here before
He treated you unkind
And broken wings need time to heal
Before a heart can fly, girl

I’ll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I’ll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Trust in me and you’ll find a heart so true
All I want to do is give the best of me to you
And stand beside you

Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Lyrics ~ Gary Allan

Our first date....

Our first date….

Never Grow Up…..

Your little eyelids flutter cause you’re dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything’s funny, you got nothing to regret
I’d give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won’t let nobody hurt you, won’t let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You’re in the car on the way to the movies
And you’re mortified your mom’s dropping you off
At 14 there’s just so much you can’t do
And you can’t wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don’t make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she’s getting older too
And don’t lose the way that you dance around in your pj’s getting ready for school

Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
No one’s ever burned you, nothing’s ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother’s favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It’s so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I’d never grown up
I wish I’d never grown up

Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won’t let nobody hurt you
Won’t let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don’t you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up

Lyrics~ Taylor Swift

Love,

Mom

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tori