I’m feeling so sad tonight. Love can be so tragic, so mind-blowing, so altering of our every existence. It is beautiful, heart warming, and phenomenal, and at the same time it can be draining and heartbreaking. Two of my most favorite people in the world are most likely breaking up. One of these people I am much closer to than the other, but he became a brother to me of sorts. He always made me stop and think about my actions when I was disgruntled in my own marriage….He always made me think about the ramifications of divorce and loss. I guess it’s hard to understand how two beautiful people can’t coexist due to difficulties that can’t be seen eye to eye on. How can we be so stubborn that we can’t just lie down what the other person needs from us and realize that healthy relationships are based on compromise? Now don’t get me wrong, I am NO expert on love. I am one of the most selfish people on the planet when it comes to getting my way. I really am trying to work on this, but in a blended family that can be hard. I wish I could have had a better model for what love should’ve been growing up, but I didn’t, and I suppose that’s ok. It is what it is. I’ve been through lots of years of counseling and love has been the sole topic of conversation more times than I can count. I’ve always been one of those people to have “One foot out the door” so to speak. I know that is not an awesome quality to portray so I am again, “working on it.” When it comes to “bad relationships” I am full of advice and wit, as I have been in lots of those. I listen to women all day long talk about how their husbands have cheated on them, how their boyfriends are mean and selfish, story after story about heartache and pain. Most of these girls are young and just have to learn by going through it and realizing nothing will probably ever change. My heart aches for each one of these young ladies because I have been in their exact same shoes before and, like them, I probably wouldn’t have listened to advice either. I just want to take each of these young ladies under my wing, play movie clips of my former marriage, so they can see what I have been through, because it parodies their life so incredibly much.

The problem? We all learn on our own and at our own rate. We all think that “our situation” will be different, that we will be the ones to show everyone that they were wrong and we CAN change the person we’re with. If we leave just ONE MORE TIME, then maybe the other person will turn their life around and quit being selfish. Sometimes it works, I know a girl about my age that it did work for, but he WANTED his family more than his alcoholic behavior; he’s a new man, a man that has allowed his testimony to be used for the good of others, she is one of the few and lucky ones.

It’s hard when you realize that you really love both people involved in a (potential) breakup and in this instance it’s even harder as my heart can only be loyal to one. I sit here and I cry, a deep cry, because I feel the loss and the pain. Maybe something can be done to save it…I will hold out hope because I never saw this coming….

I didn’t bother to edit this piece much, so it’s raw and not grammatically completely correct I’m sure. I’m trying to type through all the tears. Many of the pieces I have written I have cried during, but since they were so personal I took several days to edit. This is just raw….

~B