My life today, on all accounts, as of right now, is really wonderful. I have a very loving, hard-working, amazing, and supportive husband. I’ve never met anyone in my life who works harder than that man does. My husband provides me with the opportunity to work part time. I know that he knows that I only work part time. It’s not a secret when you’re only working 12 to 5￼￼.
Part of me wonders if my husband even knows this. Does Gary know that because of him I get to live such a beautiful, simple life? It’s not extravagant, but it’s comfortable, tranquil. I love
my life. Because of my husband, I am able to give myself more self-care. This is a luxury not very many people are afforded.￼
What do I do with my time otherwise? I do various things. I play with my bird a lot. Oliver keeps me very entertained. I’m going to start going through things in my house that I just don’t need anymore. Do the happiness cleanse so to speak. ￼ apparently you ask something if it brings you joy and if it doesn’t then you get rid of it. I think it’s brilliant! ￼
Self-care is going to be the focus of 2020. In more ways than one. Mainly mentally. But I would like to start incorporating some healthier eating and healthier thinking habits. However if I still wanna piece of cheesecake I’m going to eat that damn piece of cheesecake. Because seriously, it’s cheesecake.
I’d like to ￼get one small task done a weekend that I don’t want to do. So, at the end of the day, taking care of something that you don’t want to take care of lifts a feeling of burden and that ends up being self care. For me at least.
I’m not gonna lie. I really do hope 2020 is kinder than 2019. I PRAY it. I came out stronger at the end of 2019. I have done battle scars. I know many other people who have battle scars from 2019 as well. ￼I really, really PRAY that 2020 is kinder to all of us.
I guess now is the time to go do a little closet organizing! ￼
This year’s word:
Hey! I’m back. For now. I’d like to commit to blogging again. Mental health has always been my passion to write about. I skip around a lot in this blog. I’m not sorry. I used to be but mot anymore. At least I’m writing again.
I was challenged by a blogger friend I know, to write about one word every day this year. I chose self-care. I’m not sure I can commit to every day. I’m going to try my best to do as much as I can. Try to stay off social media a little bit more. Try to tame the anxiety that runs through me on a daily basis.
Whooo, what a year 2019 was! I know many who would agree! It was it was a time for massive growth and personal reflection.
So, many changes have gone on for me this year. My dearest friend Becky- passed away from a stroke. 2 1/2 weeks later my grandmother passed away. These were deeply devastating events. I miss
both of them so much.
Becky went to soon. THAT was and is devastating.
Grammy was ready. I just miss her wisdom and contagious laugh. I still have voicemails and memos that I can listen to. And that means the world to me.
This year I decided to quit drinking and start therapy after I tried to commit suicide on May 15, 2019. I was in a very dark place. Not taking my medication, and not realizing it because the alcohol was masking it. Or so I thought. You would’ve thought me falling down our wooden staircase drunk, breaking my tailbone, might’ve been the final rock bottom. I guess not.
It is what it is. I’m glad I found my bottom. I’ve never valued my life more. Has it tested my strength? Absolutely. I’ve had a sip here and there. Some people consider I broke my sobriety, but what I learned is that it’s to each their own whether or not we decide that we have broken it.
Well, last night on New Year’s Eve, I broke it. And I’m not sorry. I am the curious cat. I had a drink of wine the other night dinner and about puked. Last night I wanted to try a hard cider. I drank a SMALL glass, and I feel like shit today. I had zero desire to finish it. I suppose that counts because I had a glass. I’m not gonna count months anymore. I’m just going to count my blessings. I have a massively amazing support system. I have many people who tell me that they are proud of me on a regular basis. If I didn’t have this I much support I could’ve relapsed a long time ago. But I didn’t. I’m PROUD OF ME. Even if curiosity got the best of me. I found that after 7 1/2 months of being sober that alcohol is GROSS. I’m happy to report that I have zero desire to drink. I’m lethargic today and just not feeling great. Is it from the alcohol? Who knows, but I’m not willing to do that again. It wasn’t worth it and didn’t even taste that great. I guess I just wanted to see if I could do it. And I did, without overdoing it, but I have no desire to do it again anytime soon. If ever.
This year, I am going to be very careful about the hours that I work, take regular me time, and not allow other people dictate how I should feel about any situation. The people who are in my life right now are who I need. The people who are not in my life, for whatever reason, will always be in my heart. And I believe that we’ll reconnect someday.
For now, I’m going to continue to live my life day by day, minute by minute, second by second. I’ll do what feels right, live my life to the best of my ability. I’m enjoying a quiet life now that my children are adults and have left the nest.
If you happen to know me, I went through a phase this year of getting a miniature pig for 14 hours, that story can come another time. I got a conure who ended up being the devil. So he went back. However, I did end up with the sweetest cockatiel. His name is Oliver and I am obsessed. He is the only lil chicken I’ll ever need. He should live well into his 20s. He’s literally my best friend. We take a ton of silly videos and pictures. He keeps me entertained for hours.
Oliver is part of my self-care. He relaxes me. I love watching him play and all of his different facial expressions and all of his new discoveries. It’s like watching a baby develop. I’ve had him since he was 11 weeks old.
Anyway, I think that’s all for now. I feels good to be back in writing. I hope I can keep it up. I hope that whoever reads this as a beautiful new year. Very prosperous and Gentle to all of us. I know many many people who had a tough 2019. Like 2020 be a little more gentle on us.
Much love to all of you,
This morning one of my friends told me I inspired her. I think those were the words she used. My jaw about dropped to the floor since I don’t look ay myself as inspiring in any way. However, as I sit here and write this, I think “why can’t I be inspiring?” I have confessed my mental illness, I most definitely have an eating disorder from years of being told I needed to lose weight. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind for pretty much the last 15 years. I want to be healthy, but it’s certainly not healthy to obsess either. INSTEAD, I am going to work on loving myself right now and taking off the conditions I have put on myself. Like “I’ll love myself more when I lose 10 pounds.” As I write this I realize how RIDICULOUS that even sounds. We want other people to love us unconditionally, but many of us, including myself, aren’t willing to love ourselves unconditionally.
Today is a pretty good day for me mentally. I have woken up all week with 10+ hours of sleep and feeling guilty for not going to the gym. You know what? FUCK IT…..I’m OK!!! The gym does not validate me. GOD validates me. If you don’t believe in God then find something higher than yourself, but also including yourself, and put your value in that. It’s 11:55am and I’m still in my bathrobe, drinking my coffee. I need to go put dinner in the crock pot and get ready to start my day. I work in 30 minutes and I could be telling myself what a loser I am for having done nothing of real importance yet this morning but you know what? Someone told me I inspire them, and that inspired me to write this blog. If it wasn’t for my friend Dawn’s small amount of validation this morning I never would have taken a few minutes to sit down and write this blog. I LOVE to blog. It’s my favorite hobby. I get to sit here and put my thoughts out into the world and hope that someone reads them. Maybe my words will resognate with soemone else. I also get to sit here and watch my cat be a spaz.
Go out and be a FUCKING dragon or a unicorn! Just don’t be an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be intimidated to love yourself. I’m still working on it.
2015 did not start out the way that I thought it was going to. In fact it started out in what I thought would be the most amazing way and actually really started out in the most disastrous way. I feel hesitant to get into how much of that is the reason because so many people I know read my blog. But what I can say I’ve learned is that in 2014 and in all the years probably prior to that, I’ve just had a very negative undertone to my life. Things never really went the way that I felt like they should. I never had the job that I wanted; things never turned out in my love life the way I wanted them to. I never really wanted to be a wife or a mother and I am indeed a wife and a mother. And I wouldn’t change this for the world PLEASE let me clarify THAT. I think the children I have were brought into my life to settle me down.
However, I’ve recently learned that when you sit with your thoughts you tend to get angry about the way your life has turned out because you dwell on the “this isn’t fair, this is not the way it was supposed to turn out!” Type of thinking. When I got back from LA at the beginning of the year I still was not in a very good space, it took losing a client (even though there were faults on both sides) it took me almost getting divorced like REALLY, REALLY almost getting divorced to shock me back into reality. And when I say shock me back into reality and shake me back into what I want out of life I mean that I actively had to start seeking out what were the most positive things I had going in my life which is really hard to do when you’ve been thinking about all of the negativity in your life for so long.
It’s not an easy task to just start thinking positively overnight! I went into dialectical behavioral therapy for all the wrong reasons, I went into it as a last ditch effort to save my marriage. I never really went into it for just me; for just the improvements it would do for my life. I guess it’s really no wonder why I was still miserable after two or three months of going to this class and going to therapy and not getting anywhere. I wasn’t applying it to MY life.
There’s a lot of things that I have become extremely bitter about over the years since my first husband died, I have taken them out on my husband now who doesn’t deserve it in the least BIT, if anything he’s just tried to be there for me as a shoulder to lean on and all I do is push him away and be mean to him because I’m angry at my life and the way it turned out which is certainly NOT his fault.
See blame is an easy thing to do because it puts the focus onto something or someone else and never really ever puts the focus back on yourself. The blame causes you to never have to take responsibility for any situation. And while I never really thought that I was doing this, unconsciously and consciously I was doing this the the extreme.
Right now I’m just learning to live in the moment, I’ve never really done that before, I’ve always lived in the past, or lived in the future. I’ve always thought about what could’ve been or thought about how I want things to turn out in the future. But I’ve never really sat in the present and really embraced it. This is the longest I have ever kept one job. As of February 2015 I will have been a nail tech for six years. It is the longest I have ever had a career. I will be honest it has not been my first choice in careers. I have a bachelors degree in psychology and it has been my dream to go on to get my Masters and my PhD. I really hope that I can make those dreams comes true, but for now I really want to enjoy every single person who walks through my doors and listen to their stories and embrace each person with the love, kindness, respect, so that the leave my shop feeling better than when they came in. I know that I will have rough days because I do struggle with borderline personality disorder, but I’m getting better and I can feel it. I was so resistant to medications for so long, but I can feel them working, and as I am applying the dialectical behavioral therapy to my life; in the last week I can also see it working. I am also starting to use a little bit of prayer and meditation. I used to be extremely close to God but that’s a whole Nother story for another time. I still love God very much it’s just another story.
I am learning to think before I speak. I’m learning that I don’t have to be so quick to react, I am learning that I don’t have to fix the situation right now. I’m learning I don’t have to prove that I’m right in every situation even if I feel like I am. Sometimes it’s just better to let things go and roll with it. And if you know me that’s a really hard one….lol.
I hope to prove that a Chemical in balance in the brain does not have to overtake you; that you can be stronger and better than what you’re given in this lifetime. This is just one of the many struggles that I have chosen to write about. To be honest I didn’t realize how incredibly difficult it was going to be to put my whole self out there into the world and talk about myself so blatantly honest the way I have; knowing that I have so many people following me on my blog who know me personally.
Be kind to one another, when you’re out in the world, give a half smile to a stranger, it’s not weird it’s KIND. It’s not flirty it’s just being kind. We live in a time where smiling at people is now considered flirting or a half smile at somebody is interpreted in a devious way. This is so sad to me. Kindness should be so much more implemented in our world and that’s what I would like to see in my life going forward. The children of our society need to see us be kind to one another so that they can grow up and pass that forward. Don’t you want your children or your neighbor children to grow up learning how to be kind and loving? Ponder that today as you go through your day.
OK, So I just recently started this new journey of therapy. If you haven’t already, there is a whole post dedicated to DBT therapy you can go read on. Simply put? AMAZING!!!! I’ve only been 4 times but I have learned a plethora of information! Isn’t it logical that if your going to walk someone through all the non so warm and fuzzy times of their lives that you would at least prepare them with tools for emotional success and have them practice these before the real therapy begins?
I went to traditional therapy for SIX years people and I am right back where I was but actually I’m worse because that woman totally screwed me up. Anyway….I’ve been to this one 4 time and I think between this and the small amount of medication I let my doctor put me on, I’m suddenly feeling FANTASTIC for the most part this last week! I struggle with anxiety and actively noticed that my anxiety level was at like practical non-existent compared to my high-strung, if it doesn’t go as it should…everything is.going.to.end.FOREVER……
I’M TOTALLY ROCKING OUT TO BANG BANG BY ARIANA GRANDE….(THANKS SON)….LOL
Anyway, I feel great so I’m totally not going to over think it too much and just roll with it because whatever I’m doing is WORKING! lol.
It is hard work though, I’ll be honest. It’s a lot of constant redirection of thinking. It can be a little exhausting BUT it’s getting a little easier each day with practice patience, self acceptance, self-love, etc…..kinda like the whole nail art adventure I’ve currently embarked upon! I mean if I’m going to live this life I want it to be the best, most influential one I can lead!
If I can change from who I was to who I want to be it’ll be the greatest accomplishment I could even make! I also had a BREAKTHROUGH business idea tonight! More on that later….! Seriously, I think it’s borderline genius and I wouldn’t have to quit my job doing nails to do it if I could make it work. But that’s WAY later down the road, BUT exciting nonetheless!
I’ve also gotten to form some really neat connections lately. I never know how long I’ll ever get with a person before they’ll move, on, have to stop getting their nails done for some reason etc. The BEST part of my job HANDS DOWN is sharing life stories and experiences! Doesn’t it make this life not feel so lonely and scary!? Oh, and we can all realize we’re not crazy because there is someone else out there who is just as ‘cray cray’ as they are on some level! I love the relatability factor I have with 95% of my clients. It’s hard to even say the word client and not refer to my clients as “this friend of mine” which oftentimes I do!
Ok, I really am going to try to keep up my blog a little more consistently!
I haven’t written in quite a few days. I have had a severe case of writers block. This doesn’t generally happen to me. For the most part I have been eager to blog with lots to say; to let you know what’s going on in my life. But lately many things have happened and I have not had the desire to write.
One of my very best friends lost her battle to brain cancer…
Another friend is fighting appendicitis and a liver issue…
My best friends sister has kidney cancer….thankfully it doesn’t look like its spread…
Another friend is in severe back pain and mental pain…
Another friend has something funky going on with her TOE! Hurts like hell!
I know I am missing a few, but you get the point.
I feel very lucky to be healthy. I feel overwhelmed with joy that I am on the right track with my mental health. I have been on my knees for these people in my prayers.
I am so very tired but I have been eager to write SOMETHING….thank you for reading.
Tonight my son, Taylor, was telling me about one of the new friends he’s made at school. My son is a freshman and has never really hung out with a group of “guys” until just recently. Anyway, he was telling me how humbly this young man and his father live due to his father not making a lot of money. This young man had to grow up fast because his mother abandoned him and his father. They are Hispanic, and it sounds like the father works a crazy amount of hours 6 days a week to provide for his son. Taylor was telling me that they had some deep conversations a few nights ago. One of them caught my ear. He said his friend LOVES to cook, and would make a whole chicken and cornbread every night if he could.
I found this to be an EXCELLENT opportunity to teach my son about human conectivity….seeing a need and helping if possible. I got on Facebook, placed a wanted ad for a free or small fee rotisserie for this young man and his father. In about 10 minutes we got a response from a lady that had one she was willing to donate. Taylor was FLOORED that I cared enough to help his friend. But I know what it’s like to be that kid. I grew up very poor with a single mom who worked whatever hours she could get. It was hard.
I am NOT writing this post to get kudos for doing a good deed. I am writing it because I am hoping to inspire other parents to teach their children about kindness. We are living in a world that’s so “all about me” anymore and it’s sad. We should be helping one another where we can. I use EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY I can get to teach my kids a lesson in something. Every conversation can lead to a moment of opportunity to TEACH.
This conversation turned into me telling Taylor how many times I used to overdraft my checking account when I was a young adult because no one ever taught me what a budget was. This turned into giving him examples of several ways banks work.
I feel fortunate that I am so incredibly close with my children. When I talk, they listen. It’s important to build this foundation of trust from an early age.
I am also learning how to give them a LOT more freedom than I ever thought I would be giving them at their ages. They have earned these privileges. But that’s exactly what they are PRIVILEGES; because as fast as they earn them, if they mess up, they can be taken away. Lack of consistency in your discipline will cause your child to question whether you will stick to what you say. Let your YES be YES and your NO mean NO….PERIOD. DO NOT GIVE IN! Let them cry, throw fits, whatever, but do not give in because the second you do, they just learned that they can manipulate you to get what they want if their persistent long enough.
Every single moment is a learning opportunity; it’s your job to spot them and work the conversation into that opportunity without making it sound like a lecture. I’m a total softie when it comes to my kids when they are doing well, but I am a total hard-ass when they are screwing up. It’s a fine balance. It’s not easy and sometimes I stop to question if I am doing it right. But I know that I am doing the best I know how. My goal is to teach my kids all the lessons that I didn’t learn as growing up. Isn’t that the point? To break the cycle of dysfunction and help our children achieve their lives dreams?
So commit….if you are a mom or a dad it is your DUTY to commit to your child everyday. I know I am not perfect but I do give a lot of good advice I’m told. If you have a parenting question that you would like to ask please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Your question might be something someone else if wondering as well. We are a community, let’s help one another! If I don’t know the answer to your question, I will simply tell you. I won’t make you THINK I know what I’m talking about. I will write more on this later but I am really tired and gonna head to bed.