Tag Archive | inspirational

Go Love Yourself

This morning one of my friends told me I inspired her. I think those were the words she used. My jaw about dropped to the floor since I don’t look ay myself as inspiring in any way. However, as I sit here and write this, I think “why can’t I be inspiring?” I have confessed my mental illness, I most definitely have an eating disorder from years of being told I needed to lose weight. My weight has been in the forefront of my mind for pretty much the last 15 years. I want to be healthy, but it’s certainly not healthy to obsess either. INSTEAD, I am going to work on loving myself right now and taking off the conditions I have put on myself. Like “I’ll love myself more when I lose 10 pounds.” As I write this I realize how RIDICULOUS that even sounds. We want other people to love us unconditionally, but many of us, including myself, aren’t willing to love ourselves unconditionally.

Today is a pretty good day for me mentally. I have woken up all week with 10+ hours of sleep and feeling guilty for not going to the gym. You know what? FUCK IT…..I’m OK!!! The gym does not validate me. GOD validates me. If you don’t believe in God then find something higher than yourself, but also including yourself, and put your value in that. It’s 11:55am and I’m still in my bathrobe, drinking my coffee. I need to go put dinner in the crock pot and get ready to start my day. I work in 30 minutes and I could be telling myself what a loser I am for having done nothing of real importance yet this morning but you know what? Someone told me I inspire them, and that inspired me to write this blog. If it wasn’t for my friend Dawn’s small amount of validation this morning I never would have taken a few minutes to sit down and write this blog. I LOVE to blog. It’s my favorite hobby. I get to sit here and put my thoughts out into the world and hope that someone reads them. Maybe my words will resognate with soemone else. I also get to sit here and watch my cat be a spaz.

Go out and be a FUCKING dragon or a unicorn! Just don’t be an asshole. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be intimidated to love yourself. I’m still working on it.

Love,

~B

We’re all a Little ‘Cray Cray’….Life is About Creating Paths and Relationships…

OK, So I just recently started this new journey of therapy. If you haven’t already, there is a whole post dedicated to DBT therapy you can go read on. Simply put? AMAZING!!!! I’ve only been 4 times but I have learned a plethora of information! Isn’t it logical that if your going to walk someone through all the non so warm and fuzzy times of their lives that you would at least prepare them with tools for emotional success and have them practice these before the real therapy begins?

I went to traditional therapy for SIX years people and I am right back where I was but actually I’m worse because that woman totally screwed me up. Anyway….I’ve been to this one 4 time and I think between this and the small amount of medication I let my doctor put me  on, I’m suddenly feeling FANTASTIC for the most part this last week! I struggle with anxiety and actively noticed that my anxiety level was at like practical non-existent compared to my high-strung, if it doesn’t go as it should…everything is.going.to.end.FOREVER……

I’M TOTALLY ROCKING OUT TO BANG BANG BY ARIANA GRANDE….(THANKS SON)….LOL

Anyway, I feel great so I’m totally not going to over think it too much and just roll with it because whatever I’m doing is WORKING! lol.

It is hard work though, I’ll be honest. It’s a lot of constant redirection of thinking. It can be a little exhausting BUT it’s getting a little easier each day with practice patience, self acceptance, self-love, etc…..kinda like the whole nail art adventure I’ve currently embarked upon! I mean if I’m going to live this life I want it to be the best, most influential one I can lead!

If I can change from who I was to who I want to be it’ll be the greatest accomplishment I could even make! I also had a BREAKTHROUGH business idea tonight! More on that later….! Seriously, I think it’s borderline genius and I wouldn’t have to quit my job doing nails to do it if I could make it work. But that’s WAY later down the road, BUT exciting nonetheless!

I’ve also gotten to form some really neat connections lately. I never know how long I’ll ever get with a person before they’ll move, on, have to stop getting their nails done for some reason etc. The BEST part of my job HANDS DOWN is sharing life stories and experiences! Doesn’t it make this life not feel so lonely and scary!? Oh, and we can all realize we’re not crazy because there is someone else out there who is just as ‘cray cray’ as they are on some level! I love the relatability factor I have with 95% of my clients. It’s hard to even say the word client and not refer to my clients as “this friend of mine” which oftentimes I do!

Ok, I really am going to try to keep up my blog a little more consistently!

Love

B~

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I am NOT perfect…

It recently came to my attention that someone close to me in my life believes that I think I am “perfect.” While I strive hard to achieve certain goals in my life I do not by any means believe I am perfect. I think I am a well-balanced mother, I think I have developed a business I can be proud of. I am not a very good daughter and I am not a very good wife. I struggle with these two roles because of my past and things that are beyond my control. I would like to get better at these roles, and I do believe that I have made excellent strides in doing so over the last 7 months.

DO I wish that sometimes I didn’t drink so much, once in a while, causing me to be mean to my husband….absolutely. Maybe I just shouldn’t drink and maybe that is something that could be worth looking into. HOWEVER; I feel like I take on a very heavy load of activities all week-long such as work and raising my two kids. I will FREELY admit that my husband is fairly neglected because I am a mom FIRST. These kids didn’t ask to be brought into this world and it is my job to make sure that I raise the best humans possible. I have to succeed at my job or I will have no income to help provide for my family. I rarely do anything for myself any more because I am so wrapped up in what is going on with everyone else….I have become THAT person. Anyone who knows me personally know I am pretty selfish and putting anyone elses needs before my own is a travesty. I have also come to understand that being selfish just is not a good trait to have.

We live in a step-family situation. Did you know that due to our personal situation that our pastor told us before we got married that we have an 80% chance of getting divorced? I can totally see why now that I have been married for almost 6 years.

Why?

1. My kids come first…

2. I have a full-time job….and to me it’s not just ANY job. It’s a job that is mentally draining due to all the conversations I have all week with people. I LOVE my job. Plus, I am self-employed so if I don’t work, I don’t get PAID!

3. My kids came to live with us last May full-time. Their dad and I used to split them 50/50. This definitely leaves less time for my husband and I, and a lot less time just for me to get things done. Now I am cooking dinner EVERY night and making sure the kids have homework done, chores done, running around to different sporting events and practices. This is really exhausting, and new to me since I used to split this responsibility with their dad.

4. I rarely have time to even think about sex, or have a sex drive for that matter! My energy is zapped from all the other shit I’m doing which is clearly a problem. I will have to work on this…but not today. Honestly if ANYONE knows how I can magically make this better I would LOVE to know!

Apparently because I know how to parent and do a few other things well this equivalates to me believing I am perfect. Anyone who knows me well knows damn well that I have no problem pointing out my own flaws and inadequacies. I am the FIRST person to apologize SPECIFICALLY for what I have done wrong in a given situation. Does this mean I am NEVER going to screw up again in a like fashion and manner? Absolutely not! And why? Because I am HUMAN and NOT perfect. This really hurt my feelings. First of all I by no means believe that I am perfect, nor do I even remotely act like I am perfect. I protect the layers of myself from harmful surroundings. I can be mean, hurtful and demanding….but I know for a fact that I am NOT alone in this. If you are in a step-family you can probably relate to this especially if you got remarried when your kids were a little older.

It’s like “Hey, let’s blend these 4-5 people together who don’t really know each other that well and see how long they can keep it together without getting divorced. Maybe we set ourselves up for failure by getting remarried once we have brought children into the mix. But I will say this about MY children. They are ALWAYS respectful, they do as they are asked with no fuss, they get great grades and are involved in many positive activities.

I will say this one more time….I AM NOT PERFECT!!!!! I will say however, that I feel slightly like I’m going off the deep end…so if anyone has a rope and would like to throw it over for me to grab onto I would really appreciate the grace…..

Oh, did I mention that I struggle with severe anxiety and depression as well? No? Ok, well throw that into the mix as well…

~B

Talk around the shop….(Or is it therapy?)

Some of the topics I discussed this week with my beloved clients…I build STRONG bonds with people everyday. Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry. It’s more like 1 1/2 hours of therapy than clients coming to get their nails done. I love that they can open up so easily to me with such personal information…I have the BEST “job” ever!

1. I am going to court about my divorce this week…

2. I named my tumor “Bob”, so now I just blame everything on “Bob”

3. I had a baby that died at the hands of his father at 6 months old…

4. I am working to save my marriage because I know it’s what God wants

5. My granddaughter is getting her bone marrow tests done…she has leukemia

6. I woke up to my boyfriend slamming his elbow into my back when I was 4 months pregnant because he was drunk

7. My husband might have to go on deployment to Afganistan

8. I’m moving to Arizona…I will miss you Bridget and hope we can stay friends. (I am SOOO sad)….

9. I’m meeting Norman Reedus this weekend!

10. I have a step-daughter that thinks her father is dead….

11.My niece died from an accidental overdose on Tuesday…

12. I’m pretty sure I failed as a mother even though I loved them so much. I loved them to much by giving them whatever they want….

View from my shop...Perks of working from home.

View from my shop…Perks of working from home.