Tag Archive | acceptance

Straddling Faith…Do you?

I had the pleasure of seeing my client/friend Amy today. It is always a pleasure talking to her, but today was different. We talked about the trials and tribulations of life, we talked about the ups and downs and how we deal with each. As we sat and chatted it became quickly apparent that we are very much alike. When sadness falls we tend to withdraw from the world and hide.

She made a very striking point today. She said, “I find myself straddling faith most times.” I asked her what she meant. She said, “When times are dark, I notice how I praise the Lord and put all my faith in Him, but when times are good, I barely acknowledge his presence in my life!” I was dumbfounded when she said this because it struck so close to home for me. Now you don’t have to believe in God to understand what she’s saying here. When times are BAD we tend to pray to God, the universe, Buddha, or whatever higher power you believe in; for me it’s God. But when things are GOOD we don’t give credit where credit is due. I don’t hear myself thanking God when I’m doing wonderful, or anyone else just “thanking the universe” for a great day.

Amy said, I believe that God is allowing me to go through a valley in order for me to refocus on Him. My thoughts on this are “This is a pretty shitty Valley, Amy….but ok” lol. But….she’s RIGHT! God gives us valleys to draw us closer to Him. Which in some ways really freaks me out since I have strayed from God, and haven’t had any major valleys lately. I’d like to think that I always give God the credit for everything, but unfortunately that is not true. How can we take so much responsibility for all the blessings we are given?

I suppose this is where atheists believe that “fate” comes in. I don’t necessarily believe in fate or karma, however you will here me speak of it. When I say the words fate and karma, what I am truly saying is “God.”

Ever since I left my church I have become increasingly ashamed of my faith in God. Why is this? And more importantly, how AWFUL is this? Why should I be ashamed of what I believe? Because there are people out there who have given God a bad name? No one goes around giving the “universe” a bad name! I HATE the word Christian because there are so many HORRIBLE Christians in the world. I know several atheists who are better people than some of the Christians I know. Just because you claim to believe in God or anything else for that matter doesn’t automatically make you a good person. But I truly am a GOOD person. I am NOT perfect, I have tons of flaws, but I am a human being who generally has good intentions when it comes to others.

I would like to think that my friend, Amy, has given me a lot to think about when it comes to straddling faith. Do you straddle? I would love to hear other thoughts and opinions on this….

~B

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I am Narcissism…You May Hear Me Roar…

I was going to start a different blog to talk about this because it is fairly hard for me to discuss. I wanted it to be anonymous but I realized the reason for this is so that I didn’t have to be accountable to the many people who know me and are following me. It doesn’t happen all the time, but there are times where I go into a super self-righteous, bitch mode.(generally never at work). There are many areas of my life that I have fixed and sometimes I can’t understand why people don’t LISTEN to me….If you are ever caught in this cross-fire, I apologize now…..maybe…

See, I have had a TON of life experience. I don’t understand sometimes why people don’t listen to me more often. Now I don’t claim to know EVERYTHING, but I do claim to know A LOT….Unfortunately this doesn’t always come out loving and kind. Sometimes it comes out as a know-it-a-l-l-….Generally this side of me only comes out to immediate family members (Sorry hubby) but sometimes it can come across to family and friends as crazy narcissism.

I still might start another blog for such conversations because I have so much to say and sometimes I just don’t know how to come across “politically correct” nor do I feel like I should have to. But because so many clients and friends are following me, I just don’t know how comfortable I am talking about such personal things even though this is why I designed this blog! I feel super sad, and super confused….

I would love some insight….Do you have another blog that no one knows about?

Narcissist

The Church and It’s People…

This morning I am sitting here so quiet and so still

Wondering why God has brought me to this place in my life

A transition for sure as I examine my will…

So much pain, so much sorrow, happiness too…

In my world I’m content which seems so taboo

I’d like to think I’ve made a nice life for myself

Then a man points out I’ve put God on a shelf

I won’t deny that part of this statement is true

The church that I went to often made me feel blue

Church is supposed to be an uplifting place

I would leave most Sundays with a confused look on my face

He’d say; “Go out and love others as Jesus would do”

Then say, but But don’t hang with sinners for their a bad influence on you

I was constantly confused for I never knew my place

For many good reasons I stopped attending this place

For me it’s about what God does in your heart

A church is just a building as I see it for the most part

I do miss the fellowship with like-minded people

But I don’t need the building to find such people

I have many clients I have found who love God

Most all of us have been hurt and feel like we’re in some kind of fog

Don’t let one man stand in your way you say

He has no business pastoring in my opinion anyway

He is a self righteous, arrogant man

Who has no business being up on the stand

He is not a people person you say to me

Then why is he pastoring people to lead?

It confuses me as to why God has chosen this man to lead

But I suppose I should not question the one higher than me

I will find out my answers when he calls me home

Until then I’d like to be left alone

Alone meaning not badgered for what I feel or believe

For just because its right for you does not mean its right for me

I think that your view of me is not quite as it should be

But I also believe church has done this to keep you away from me

You made judgements that aren’t even remotely true

For friends don’t do that they come and listen to you

10 years of friendship and you don’t come ask me straight up

You just assume that you see me for what you think you should see

I will tell you my friend that yesterday was quite hurtful as you told me to give up things I don’t even frequently do

We have barely seen each other these last few years so don’t assume that you know me like you used to

Just because you can get past the hurt and the pain

Does not mean that I can do the same

I do not feel like my anger is all consuming

I just wont put myself in the same position to be hurt once again

You say, “She doesn’t know that she hurt you so bad”

Well yes she does because I told her my brother

She appologized for the way she behaved 11 months later

But 11 months is so long when you finally loathe her

She slowly turned everyone against me, I think even you, though you don’t seem to see

Which is a travesty because you are like a brother to me

You can not raise your voice thinking I will listen

It makes me shut down and lash out later as I’ve given myself some time to reason

Who do you think you are accusing me of such things?

You clearly don’t know me and the rest is history….

Maybe someday we can see eye to eye

But please don’t assume I sit around and just lie

I feel like I’m nothing but brutally honest

And for you to question me is what is the oddest

I will come to the funeral my brother

But it will be the last time I step foot in that place

For no one who matters cares enough to see the hurt in my face

I feel so happy you are in a peaceful place

But the hurt that I have was written all over my face

All you could do was tell me I was wrong

Feelings are feelings regardless of fault

Maybe I can say you are a better person than I

But I think many people like me for me

I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not

Not saying you do I just feel so caught

My silence is about to be no more

I will end this here as I say I love you once more….

I am NOT perfect…

It recently came to my attention that someone close to me in my life believes that I think I am “perfect.” While I strive hard to achieve certain goals in my life I do not by any means believe I am perfect. I think I am a well-balanced mother, I think I have developed a business I can be proud of. I am not a very good daughter and I am not a very good wife. I struggle with these two roles because of my past and things that are beyond my control. I would like to get better at these roles, and I do believe that I have made excellent strides in doing so over the last 7 months.

DO I wish that sometimes I didn’t drink so much, once in a while, causing me to be mean to my husband….absolutely. Maybe I just shouldn’t drink and maybe that is something that could be worth looking into. HOWEVER; I feel like I take on a very heavy load of activities all week-long such as work and raising my two kids. I will FREELY admit that my husband is fairly neglected because I am a mom FIRST. These kids didn’t ask to be brought into this world and it is my job to make sure that I raise the best humans possible. I have to succeed at my job or I will have no income to help provide for my family. I rarely do anything for myself any more because I am so wrapped up in what is going on with everyone else….I have become THAT person. Anyone who knows me personally know I am pretty selfish and putting anyone elses needs before my own is a travesty. I have also come to understand that being selfish just is not a good trait to have.

We live in a step-family situation. Did you know that due to our personal situation that our pastor told us before we got married that we have an 80% chance of getting divorced? I can totally see why now that I have been married for almost 6 years.

Why?

1. My kids come first…

2. I have a full-time job….and to me it’s not just ANY job. It’s a job that is mentally draining due to all the conversations I have all week with people. I LOVE my job. Plus, I am self-employed so if I don’t work, I don’t get PAID!

3. My kids came to live with us last May full-time. Their dad and I used to split them 50/50. This definitely leaves less time for my husband and I, and a lot less time just for me to get things done. Now I am cooking dinner EVERY night and making sure the kids have homework done, chores done, running around to different sporting events and practices. This is really exhausting, and new to me since I used to split this responsibility with their dad.

4. I rarely have time to even think about sex, or have a sex drive for that matter! My energy is zapped from all the other shit I’m doing which is clearly a problem. I will have to work on this…but not today. Honestly if ANYONE knows how I can magically make this better I would LOVE to know!

Apparently because I know how to parent and do a few other things well this equivalates to me believing I am perfect. Anyone who knows me well knows damn well that I have no problem pointing out my own flaws and inadequacies. I am the FIRST person to apologize SPECIFICALLY for what I have done wrong in a given situation. Does this mean I am NEVER going to screw up again in a like fashion and manner? Absolutely not! And why? Because I am HUMAN and NOT perfect. This really hurt my feelings. First of all I by no means believe that I am perfect, nor do I even remotely act like I am perfect. I protect the layers of myself from harmful surroundings. I can be mean, hurtful and demanding….but I know for a fact that I am NOT alone in this. If you are in a step-family you can probably relate to this especially if you got remarried when your kids were a little older.

It’s like “Hey, let’s blend these 4-5 people together who don’t really know each other that well and see how long they can keep it together without getting divorced. Maybe we set ourselves up for failure by getting remarried once we have brought children into the mix. But I will say this about MY children. They are ALWAYS respectful, they do as they are asked with no fuss, they get great grades and are involved in many positive activities.

I will say this one more time….I AM NOT PERFECT!!!!! I will say however, that I feel slightly like I’m going off the deep end…so if anyone has a rope and would like to throw it over for me to grab onto I would really appreciate the grace…..

Oh, did I mention that I struggle with severe anxiety and depression as well? No? Ok, well throw that into the mix as well…

~B

Love….

I’m feeling so sad tonight. Love can be so tragic, so mind-blowing, so altering of our every existence. It is beautiful, heart warming, and phenomenal, and at the same time it can be draining and heartbreaking. Two of my most favorite people in the world are most likely breaking up. One of these people I am much closer to than the other, but he became a brother to me of sorts. He always made me stop and think about my actions when I was disgruntled in my own marriage….He always made me think about the ramifications of divorce and loss. I guess it’s hard to understand how two beautiful people can’t coexist due to difficulties that can’t be seen eye to eye on. How can we be so stubborn that we can’t just lie down what the other person needs from us and realize that healthy relationships are based on compromise? Now don’t get me wrong, I am NO expert on love. I am one of the most selfish people on the planet when it comes to getting my way. I really am trying to work on this, but in a blended family that can be hard. I wish I could have had a better model for what love should’ve been growing up, but I didn’t, and I suppose that’s ok. It is what it is. I’ve been through lots of years of counseling and love has been the sole topic of conversation more times than I can count. I’ve always been one of those people to have “One foot out the door” so to speak. I know that is not an awesome quality to portray so I am again, “working on it.” When it comes to “bad relationships” I am full of advice and wit, as I have been in lots of those. I listen to women all day long talk about how their husbands have cheated on them, how their boyfriends are mean and selfish, story after story about heartache and pain. Most of these girls are young and just have to learn by going through it and realizing nothing will probably ever change. My heart aches for each one of these young ladies because I have been in their exact same shoes before and, like them, I probably wouldn’t have listened to advice either. I just want to take each of these young ladies under my wing, play movie clips of my former marriage, so they can see what I have been through, because it parodies their life so incredibly much.

The problem? We all learn on our own and at our own rate. We all think that “our situation” will be different, that we will be the ones to show everyone that they were wrong and we CAN change the person we’re with. If we leave just ONE MORE TIME, then maybe the other person will turn their life around and quit being selfish. Sometimes it works, I know a girl about my age that it did work for, but he WANTED his family more than his alcoholic behavior; he’s a new man, a man that has allowed his testimony to be used for the good of others, she is one of the few and lucky ones.

It’s hard when you realize that you really love both people involved in a (potential) breakup and in this instance it’s even harder as my heart can only be loyal to one. I sit here and I cry, a deep cry, because I feel the loss and the pain. Maybe something can be done to save it…I will hold out hope because I never saw this coming….

I didn’t bother to edit this piece much, so it’s raw and not grammatically completely correct I’m sure. I’m trying to type through all the tears. Many of the pieces I have written I have cried during, but since they were so personal I took several days to edit. This is just raw….

~B

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First Song My Husband Ever Played For Me….

“The One”

No rush though I need your touch
I won’t rush your heart
Until you feel on solid ground
Until your strength is found, girl

I’ll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I’ll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Somebody else was here before
He treated you unkind
And broken wings need time to heal
Before a heart can fly, girl

I’ll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I’ll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Trust in me and you’ll find a heart so true
All I want to do is give the best of me to you
And stand beside you

Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Lyrics ~ Gary Allan

Our first date....

Our first date….

Hi, My Name is Victoria….

My mom is giving me permission to share my story with her followers in hopes maybe someone out there would like to help me….

Hi my name is Victoria, I am almost 13 years old and I am here to tell you my story… I’ve dreamt to do 4-H ever since I was about 8. I got this amazing offer to do 4-H and be in the fair this year by leasing a horse from my mom’s friend. My mom is making me raise $700 of it to teach me hard work and dedication… Here is my story, hope you enjoy.

My mom got my first horse when I was 8. When I rode her I just knew that my love was for horses. I remember my mom, my brother, and I we were at Costco and my mom told us that we got a horse. I literally jumped up from the table and hugged her so tight. That was the most exciting day for me. My horse’s name was Bella, but she didn’t really work out so we had to give her away. It was a very sad day for me…She was to stubborn and not the right horse for me.

When I was 9 my mom got us another horse named Tonka. She would always say “His name is Tonka, like a Tonka truck.” Tonka was the perfect horse. I loved him so much. I remember me and my mom use to go on trail rides with him. I used to ride him in an arena and I just kinda felt free when I was riding him. I felt like nothing could get in my path when I was riding Tonka. My mom and I would go to the barn every other day to clean out stalls to work off some of his board. I never once complained that we had to go out there and clean the stalls, even if it was night time. I was so determined that I would make the owner of the barn happy and pleased with who she picked to clean her stalls. I even made my mom come over and check if it was good enough to call it good and go on to the next stall. I was so determined to do a good job. But Tonka had a cribbing problem and my mom couldn’t find a new place to board him. So we had to sell him. I didn’t get to say goodbye to him (that’s not my moms fault though). The lady who came to get him could only come when I was in school. I cried so hard that night. Even to this day when I even talk about him, think about him, or even see a picture of him I still cry.

I’m in 7th grade and it’s a really hard year for me. But I’m getting the hang of it. I have a 3.8 GPA, I’m on the honor role, I made the basketball team and I haven’t played basketball a day in my life, but I was determined that I really wanted to play. I worked really hard, and practiced and I made the team. I am hoping I can do the same thing with 4-H. I’m strong, determined, and passionate. Last year I really wanted to go to this Summer camp but I needed about $150 to pay for it. So I decided to make scarves and charge $12 for each one. I earned a little bit over $200. That is how determined I was. When I want something I go after it no matter how much work it takes or how much time it takes. I plan on doing this with 4-H. I’m making scarves for $15, I’m babysitting, doing more house/yard work around my house. I will do whatever people want me to do. I will do whatever it takes to earn the $700 I need.

I feel that I am going to learn a lot doing 4-H because it takes time and patience. If i don’t get it right the first time I’ll just keep practicing till I do. I realize that all these hours at the barn everyday, all the riding lessons I take, all the work I do outside the barn is going to pay off. In the end I will be in 4-H, I will be in the fair and all of the work I did will definitely pay off in the end. I feel like doing this will make me feel like I can achieve anything that life throws at me. I also heard that 4-H gives out scholarships for college, maybe I can apply for one since I will be going to college after high school.

Since I have to earn part of the money to pay for this and my mom is paying for a lot to, I am willing to give up my big 13th Birthday party I was planning and my Summer. I am totally fine with doing this. In the Summer it is going to be hot and I’m going to be in pants, shirt, and helmet. I am going to be spending about 7-10 hours at the barn 5 days a week, but if I’m with a horse I am perfectly fine. I don’t care if it is hot. I am so dedicated to this I will do whatever it takes to have my dream come true.

I hope you can see my passion and determination, I will work whatever I have to do in order to earn the money. I know there are a lot of people who ask for donations. I will do whatever you want me to do to earn the money, I don’t expect it to be handed to me.

My mom has set me up a gofundme.com account for people who might want to donated money to me who see my story and want to help me but are not local people. I want you to know that I wrote this letter by myself, my mom only edited my misspelled words.

Sincerely,

Victoria D.

Here is the link to my donation account….

http://www.gofundme.com/66u5cc

Me and my first horse, Bella when I was 7....

Me and my first horse, Bella….

This is Tonka....I miss him...

This is Tonka….I miss him…

Me leading my older brother around on Bella...

Me leading my older brother around on Bella when I was 7…