Tag Archive | relationships

I am Narcissism…You May Hear Me Roar…

I was going to start a different blog to talk about this because it is fairly hard for me to discuss. I wanted it to be anonymous but I realized the reason for this is so that I didn’t have to be accountable to the many people who know me and are following me. It doesn’t happen all the time, but there are times where I go into a super self-righteous, bitch mode.(generally never at work). There are many areas of my life that I have fixed and sometimes I can’t understand why people don’t LISTEN to me….If you are ever caught in this cross-fire, I apologize now…..maybe…

See, I have had a TON of life experience. I don’t understand sometimes why people don’t listen to me more often. Now I don’t claim to know EVERYTHING, but I do claim to know A LOT….Unfortunately this doesn’t always come out loving and kind. Sometimes it comes out as a know-it-a-l-l-….Generally this side of me only comes out to immediate family members (Sorry hubby) but sometimes it can come across to family and friends as crazy narcissism.

I still might start another blog for such conversations because I have so much to say and sometimes I just don’t know how to come across “politically correct” nor do I feel like I should have to. But because so many clients and friends are following me, I just don’t know how comfortable I am talking about such personal things even though this is why I designed this blog! I feel super sad, and super confused….

I would love some insight….Do you have another blog that no one knows about?

Narcissist

The Husband

My husband is a man of patience and loyalty

He whispers that I’m beautiful and treats me like royalty…

He’s put up with so much as I have worked through my pain

Sometimes I wonder if he stays wondering what’s left to gain…

I don’t know why he puts up with a wretch like me

I think if I were him I would toss me into the sea…

I am not an easy person to love for I wish it was so

Underneath it all I fall way below…

His patience baffles me on a daily basis

I sit and stand and I do lots of pacing

I do not feel worthy as I stop and reflect

It give me chills when he kisses my neck…

My hope is that he’ll stay through thick and through thin

Because I don’t think I’ll find another person like him….

Why I hate being a wife….

Simply put? Because I’m not good at it and I hate to fail….

OK, just so you know, I approach most hard-to-deal-with subjects with humor, because it makes me feel better about my short-comings as a human being, because quite frankly I SUCK at this human thing quite a bit…especially the wife part….

Let see…Me as a wife in a nutshell… I am controlling, stubborn, mean, always right, egotistical, self-centered, impulsive, narcissistic, and sometimes down-right cruel.

My husband? Completely the opposite of me….kind, loving, thoughtful, others-centered, patient, good-natured, WONDERFUL overall husband!

How we’re still together? It can ONLY be GOD! It is the ONLY explanation I have….

I won’t lie, I pride myself on the inside about being good at many things that I do. I feel I am good at raising well-balanced children, maintaining a decent small business, and being a good friend. The one thing I SUCK the most at? Being a wife. It’s the one area that I contradict myself the most on. I expect things out of marriage that I am not necessarily always willing to give in return. I am not good with compromise, and I’m not good with forgiveness. Now…don’t get me wrong, I expect all of these from my husband, BUT I am not always great about returning the grace. It’s a terrible quality to have, I am NOT bragging clearly. Being a mother did not come naturally to me either. It took me YEARS to figure it out. I won’t say I have mastered it, but I think I am pretty good. But being a wife? Not so much….

Ugh….I have been married (this time) for 5 1/2 years (I don’t count the first one since he passed away, and I wasn’t married to the kids dad). Now and I can tell you that it’s been pretty miserable for my husband. It hasn’t ALL been bad, and I absolutely do not take full responsibility for where things have gone wrong. I wish I put my foot down FASTER in some areas, would’ve been more assertive in other areas, BUT the one thing I WASN’T, was NICE and LOVING. I feel like I was generally nice at first (like in the beginning), but when the results weren’t what I thought they should be; I was a venomous snake. See, I believe that I am right about things like 90% of the time, and truly I do believe this. I have had a lot of life experience and I think I am very smart, and intuitive most of the time. I had a marriage counselor once tell me, “You can be 100% right and be dead WRONG at the same time.” I was very confused by this statement. What she meant was, you can be right about something but completely wrong in your delivery, making the other person not even wanting to hear you out. How true is that? I will agree with her that it is true, but I am hot-headed with a short temper. Ask anyone who’s ever dated me.

I am working on this and I have a VERY patient husband. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like everyday of his life has been a living hell, CLOSE…(lol) but not everyday. I have done some things to make it better, and I will share these with you.

1. Kids, I learned early on that our kids are our kids SEPARATELY, meaning “You parent yours and I’ll parent mine.” We have very different parenting styles and I prefer mine. Clearly my kids have to do what they’re told by him, and be respectful to him, but for the most part I do the “parenting” portion with my children…I prefer it this way. It’s not the way I WANTED it when we got married but it is unfortunately the way it ended up. Step-families are very complicated and just because you think you have it all figured out BEFORE you get married, well I hate to say it my friends, but I bet you are sorely disappointed if you, yourself, are in a step-family situation. If you CAN parent together in this situation, my hats are off to you!

2. Money, You make yours and I will make mine. If it were up to me, we’d have separate accounts and just split all the bills evenly, but it’s working OK how it is jointly, we just don’t see eye to eye on how to handle our finances. I say that if this is the case, and you make a fairly equal amount of money or can split the bills evenly so that its overall fair, and everyone is happy…DO IT! Finances are NOT worth fighting about especially when it can be solved with separate checking accounts. I am completely for this. My husband is not, which is fine, we shall continue to see how this works out….

3. Sex, I have a TERRIBLE sex drive. There are 5 MILLION different reasons why this is and I will only list a couple…I think a lot of this is attributed to the fact that my estrogen was sky-high at 654 (it should be at 124, and is currently at 234). According to my doctor this is what has made me want to KILL anyone and everyone in my path (my whole life) about 2 weeks out of the month. She actually asked me how I wasn’t locked up in a loony bin with these numbers. (I asked her if she could admit me to the loony bin just so I could “go on vacation” for a few days. She got a good chuckle out of that. I also had like NO progesterone. Sky high estrogen – no progesterone = a VERY BITCHY woman! My doctor has me on progesterone, an estrogen blocker, and just before Thanksgiving I recently asked for an anti-depressant because the hormone control was not working solely as a problem solver like I thought it would. I LOVE my anti-depressant! I would eat that stuff like it was damn candy! If you’re wondering, so you can get yourself some happiness, and will-power to live, I am on Wellbutrin (300mg) BEST SHIT EVER!!! No weight gain side effects, and I think my sex drive has slightly improved.

I really am trying a harder to be a better wife but sometimes its just HARD! I don’t want to compromise and most of the time, lately, I just want to be alone, which isn’t fair to my husband obviously. It’s not like I don’t like him or love him, I totally do, but sometimes being married interferes with what I want to do, decisions I want to make without consulting another human being etc. I KNOW this is selfish so you don’t have to tell me. I am a MAJOR work in process and quite frankly I don’t know how he does it most weeks. Personally I don’t want to put up with me most days, so I really think God sent an angel because ONLY an angel could put up with me 99% of the time. Clearly I am very difficult….but hey, like I said, I am a work in progress…

So Husband, IF you read this, please know that I love you, I am completely aware of my shortcomings, and I am working on trying to be better…but I think it is going to take my whole life to really get it right….So for all the things I may do in the future that are shitty, I would like to take the time NOW to apologize…just to save time. lol

Love,

~B

I am NOT perfect…

It recently came to my attention that someone close to me in my life believes that I think I am “perfect.” While I strive hard to achieve certain goals in my life I do not by any means believe I am perfect. I think I am a well-balanced mother, I think I have developed a business I can be proud of. I am not a very good daughter and I am not a very good wife. I struggle with these two roles because of my past and things that are beyond my control. I would like to get better at these roles, and I do believe that I have made excellent strides in doing so over the last 7 months.

DO I wish that sometimes I didn’t drink so much, once in a while, causing me to be mean to my husband….absolutely. Maybe I just shouldn’t drink and maybe that is something that could be worth looking into. HOWEVER; I feel like I take on a very heavy load of activities all week-long such as work and raising my two kids. I will FREELY admit that my husband is fairly neglected because I am a mom FIRST. These kids didn’t ask to be brought into this world and it is my job to make sure that I raise the best humans possible. I have to succeed at my job or I will have no income to help provide for my family. I rarely do anything for myself any more because I am so wrapped up in what is going on with everyone else….I have become THAT person. Anyone who knows me personally know I am pretty selfish and putting anyone elses needs before my own is a travesty. I have also come to understand that being selfish just is not a good trait to have.

We live in a step-family situation. Did you know that due to our personal situation that our pastor told us before we got married that we have an 80% chance of getting divorced? I can totally see why now that I have been married for almost 6 years.

Why?

1. My kids come first…

2. I have a full-time job….and to me it’s not just ANY job. It’s a job that is mentally draining due to all the conversations I have all week with people. I LOVE my job. Plus, I am self-employed so if I don’t work, I don’t get PAID!

3. My kids came to live with us last May full-time. Their dad and I used to split them 50/50. This definitely leaves less time for my husband and I, and a lot less time just for me to get things done. Now I am cooking dinner EVERY night and making sure the kids have homework done, chores done, running around to different sporting events and practices. This is really exhausting, and new to me since I used to split this responsibility with their dad.

4. I rarely have time to even think about sex, or have a sex drive for that matter! My energy is zapped from all the other shit I’m doing which is clearly a problem. I will have to work on this…but not today. Honestly if ANYONE knows how I can magically make this better I would LOVE to know!

Apparently because I know how to parent and do a few other things well this equivalates to me believing I am perfect. Anyone who knows me well knows damn well that I have no problem pointing out my own flaws and inadequacies. I am the FIRST person to apologize SPECIFICALLY for what I have done wrong in a given situation. Does this mean I am NEVER going to screw up again in a like fashion and manner? Absolutely not! And why? Because I am HUMAN and NOT perfect. This really hurt my feelings. First of all I by no means believe that I am perfect, nor do I even remotely act like I am perfect. I protect the layers of myself from harmful surroundings. I can be mean, hurtful and demanding….but I know for a fact that I am NOT alone in this. If you are in a step-family you can probably relate to this especially if you got remarried when your kids were a little older.

It’s like “Hey, let’s blend these 4-5 people together who don’t really know each other that well and see how long they can keep it together without getting divorced. Maybe we set ourselves up for failure by getting remarried once we have brought children into the mix. But I will say this about MY children. They are ALWAYS respectful, they do as they are asked with no fuss, they get great grades and are involved in many positive activities.

I will say this one more time….I AM NOT PERFECT!!!!! I will say however, that I feel slightly like I’m going off the deep end…so if anyone has a rope and would like to throw it over for me to grab onto I would really appreciate the grace…..

Oh, did I mention that I struggle with severe anxiety and depression as well? No? Ok, well throw that into the mix as well…

~B

Talk around the shop….(Or is it therapy?)

Some of the topics I discussed this week with my beloved clients…I build STRONG bonds with people everyday. Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry. It’s more like 1 1/2 hours of therapy than clients coming to get their nails done. I love that they can open up so easily to me with such personal information…I have the BEST “job” ever!

1. I am going to court about my divorce this week…

2. I named my tumor “Bob”, so now I just blame everything on “Bob”

3. I had a baby that died at the hands of his father at 6 months old…

4. I am working to save my marriage because I know it’s what God wants

5. My granddaughter is getting her bone marrow tests done…she has leukemia

6. I woke up to my boyfriend slamming his elbow into my back when I was 4 months pregnant because he was drunk

7. My husband might have to go on deployment to Afganistan

8. I’m moving to Arizona…I will miss you Bridget and hope we can stay friends. (I am SOOO sad)….

9. I’m meeting Norman Reedus this weekend!

10. I have a step-daughter that thinks her father is dead….

11.My niece died from an accidental overdose on Tuesday…

12. I’m pretty sure I failed as a mother even though I loved them so much. I loved them to much by giving them whatever they want….

View from my shop...Perks of working from home.

View from my shop…Perks of working from home.

Love….

I’m feeling so sad tonight. Love can be so tragic, so mind-blowing, so altering of our every existence. It is beautiful, heart warming, and phenomenal, and at the same time it can be draining and heartbreaking. Two of my most favorite people in the world are most likely breaking up. One of these people I am much closer to than the other, but he became a brother to me of sorts. He always made me stop and think about my actions when I was disgruntled in my own marriage….He always made me think about the ramifications of divorce and loss. I guess it’s hard to understand how two beautiful people can’t coexist due to difficulties that can’t be seen eye to eye on. How can we be so stubborn that we can’t just lie down what the other person needs from us and realize that healthy relationships are based on compromise? Now don’t get me wrong, I am NO expert on love. I am one of the most selfish people on the planet when it comes to getting my way. I really am trying to work on this, but in a blended family that can be hard. I wish I could have had a better model for what love should’ve been growing up, but I didn’t, and I suppose that’s ok. It is what it is. I’ve been through lots of years of counseling and love has been the sole topic of conversation more times than I can count. I’ve always been one of those people to have “One foot out the door” so to speak. I know that is not an awesome quality to portray so I am again, “working on it.” When it comes to “bad relationships” I am full of advice and wit, as I have been in lots of those. I listen to women all day long talk about how their husbands have cheated on them, how their boyfriends are mean and selfish, story after story about heartache and pain. Most of these girls are young and just have to learn by going through it and realizing nothing will probably ever change. My heart aches for each one of these young ladies because I have been in their exact same shoes before and, like them, I probably wouldn’t have listened to advice either. I just want to take each of these young ladies under my wing, play movie clips of my former marriage, so they can see what I have been through, because it parodies their life so incredibly much.

The problem? We all learn on our own and at our own rate. We all think that “our situation” will be different, that we will be the ones to show everyone that they were wrong and we CAN change the person we’re with. If we leave just ONE MORE TIME, then maybe the other person will turn their life around and quit being selfish. Sometimes it works, I know a girl about my age that it did work for, but he WANTED his family more than his alcoholic behavior; he’s a new man, a man that has allowed his testimony to be used for the good of others, she is one of the few and lucky ones.

It’s hard when you realize that you really love both people involved in a (potential) breakup and in this instance it’s even harder as my heart can only be loyal to one. I sit here and I cry, a deep cry, because I feel the loss and the pain. Maybe something can be done to save it…I will hold out hope because I never saw this coming….

I didn’t bother to edit this piece much, so it’s raw and not grammatically completely correct I’m sure. I’m trying to type through all the tears. Many of the pieces I have written I have cried during, but since they were so personal I took several days to edit. This is just raw….

~B

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First Song My Husband Ever Played For Me….

“The One”

No rush though I need your touch
I won’t rush your heart
Until you feel on solid ground
Until your strength is found, girl

I’ll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I’ll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Somebody else was here before
He treated you unkind
And broken wings need time to heal
Before a heart can fly, girl

I’ll fill those canyons in your soul
Like a river lead you home
And I’ll walk a step behind
In the shadows so you shine
Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Trust in me and you’ll find a heart so true
All I want to do is give the best of me to you
And stand beside you

Just ask it will be done
And I will prove my love
Until you’re sure that I’m “the one”

Lyrics ~ Gary Allan

Our first date....

Our first date….

Never Grow Up…..

Your little eyelids flutter cause you’re dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything’s funny, you got nothing to regret
I’d give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won’t let nobody hurt you, won’t let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You’re in the car on the way to the movies
And you’re mortified your mom’s dropping you off
At 14 there’s just so much you can’t do
And you can’t wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don’t make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she’s getting older too
And don’t lose the way that you dance around in your pj’s getting ready for school

Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
No one’s ever burned you, nothing’s ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother’s favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It’s so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I’d never grown up
I wish I’d never grown up

Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won’t let nobody hurt you
Won’t let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don’t you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up

Lyrics~ Taylor Swift

Love,

Mom

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tori

In My Daughter’s Eyes….

One of the pictures from the fall photo shoot I took

One of the pictures from the fall photo shoot I took

I have raised my daughter to have a good head on her shoulders, to think clearly and to be level-headed. I have been teaching her, her entire life, to NEVER accept anything less than what she KNOWS she deserves justly and fairly. I’ve taught her that if someone wrongs her she needs to call them on it and demand an apology or walk away until they can do just that; because “YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU!” In saying that I have listened to my daughter come home everyday from school since she was about eight years old and tell me about her day. She would always tell me about the most recent conundrums in the girl-world. She would look at me with her big brown eyes and I would gently ask “would you like some advice?” and generally speaking she would always say “yes.” She would go to school the next day with her newfound information on how she should handle a situation and so many times she would come home and say to me; “I told _____ that if she is going to be mean to me then I can’t be her friend right now. I told her that when she can treat me with kindness, and apologize for being mean then we can be friends again!”

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! This little angel with blonde hair and brown eyes was LISTENING and IMPLEMENTING things I was teaching her. She was quickly becoming a confident little girl who accepted nothing less than to be treated with fairness. Soon enough she was telling her friends at school, “If that’s a choice your going to make than I can’t hang out with you.” One of my favorite memories was when my daughter was in 6th grade, she actually TEXTED her friend’s MOM and told the mom that her friend wasn’t wearing her helmet while skateboarding to school. She said to me, “Mom I warned her that I was going to text her mom, I told her that all it takes is ONE time for her to fall off her skateboard and she could get SERIOUSLY INJURED!” I thought I was going to pee my pants from laughing so hard and being so proud of her at the same time! Victoria was quickly becoming a young adult I could respect.

I’ve always desired to be close to my daughter; she will be 13 in March. She has always been more of my stoic child,; not showing as much emotion as my son. She rarely cries except when she’s truly hurt physically or emotionally. However, I would like that to change about her, I would like to see her be more vulnerable…not just to anyone, just to me. While we are very close, I desire to have a closer relationship with her. While I know I can’t be her best friend quite yet, I do desire to find a friendship with her that is more than just being her mom. We have a BLAST together. We are always, laughing and playing around. This year has been our toughest year by far but I also think it’s whats helped draw us closer. Victoria started 7th grade this year…yes I know….middle school nightmares. I will tell you this, I am not sure who was more of a basket case the first 12 weeks of school her or me. Victoria has always struggled academically compared to her brother, but I have never compared them. Victoria just requires studying harder. The first nine weeks of school I thought were going to kill me emotionally. New friends, new grading system, new clothes style, but the newest development???….BOYS (this is new, and its SCARY), and I’m pretty sure that there were a few time I thought I was going to go over the edge of insanity.

She met this boy, we will call him “Jon.” This kids started pursuing my daughter in August before school started. I finally allowed her to have him over when we were having a giant pool party. He was a nice enough kid, but I kept my eye on him. As the story goes he broke her little heart by taking another girl to the movies when she was grounded, and she cried. Then of course, like the douche bag most 13-year-old boys are he declared “I made a mistake, please take me back!” and unbeknownst to me….she did. We sat down and had a real heart to heart talk about boys. I told her, if your willing to accept that this young man took some girl that you can’t stand to the movies then what will you be willing to allow boyfriends in the future to do? I proposed several scenarios in regards to her later years:

Me: “What will you do when your boyfriend of one year tells you that he expects you to have sex with him on the night of your junior prom when you are 16, or 17 years old?

Victoria: Of course I will tell him NO! I won’t be ready for that!”

Me: (playing the boy) “Well if you decide that you’re not going to give it up then we are going to break up, because we’ve been together for over a year and all my friends are having sex and I’m tired of waiting!”…..(as I proceed to look my daughter dead in the eye and say to her with the most absolute seriousness….”THIS-HAPPENS-ALL-THE-TIME.” She looked and me and said, “Seriously?” And I said, “absolutely!” The look in her eyes told me that what I was telling her was CLICKING!

I went on to tell her that she has to learn how to completely ground herself in her morals and values so that she will not be shaken to waver. I told her that if she starts accepting small douche baggy things from boys NOW, that she will eventually start accepting even bigger jack-ass moves as she gets older and it starts running into her adult life…(I wish I would’ve had someone to tell me these things when I was a young adult). She said to me “I never thought about it that way, but that totally makes sense!” I let him stomp all over my heart and then I TOOK HIM BACK!? WHAT WAS I THINKING??? My only response was; “Sweetie, you were thinking with your heart, and not with your head, and this is very common. However, if you condition yourself NOW as to what you will put up with and what you won’t then hopefully you will have less heartache and make better choices when it comes to guys.” (Mind you she isn’t allowed to GO anywhere with a boy at all! This is just what they call it at school…(you remember right)?

I want to teach my daughter to NOT accept what society is telling her is OK, but to accept what she knows to be true and right when it comes to her morals, and integrity. My daughter continues to make me proud, but when she messes up she knows it. Victoria is pretty aware that she is spoiled with “stuff”, but as fast as that “stuff” was given to her, it can be taken away just as fast! I take absolutely no crap from my kids’ I also try to be fair and just. I believe in giving them JUST ENOUGH rope to hang themselves with. My kids also know that if they DO hang themselves the consequences are not remotely worth whatever poor choice they have made. So far, I am very proud of both my kids. I am so proud of Victoria for removing herself from a few girls that didn’t have her best interest in mind and realizing that if a guys breaks your heart he’s out of luck….there is no room to be a douche bag to anyone.

In my daughter’s eyes, I want to be her hero, I want to be her voice of reason, the person she can go to when she needs truth and honesty, because no one else will give it to her….

Enough said….I hope my story can help other parents of young girls….

~B

Victoria sitting with Kay, Victoria made the scarf Kay is wearing....

Victoria sitting with Kay, Victoria made the scarf Kay is wearing….


Learning how to water plants and take care of the water feature in our backyard....

Learning how to water plants and take care of the water feature in our backyard….


Another pic from the fall photo shoot I did....

Another pic from the fall photo shoot I did….

Not always…..

I want to make something really clear. I LOVE to write! I love to hear what people have to say in regards to my writings. What I need you to understand is that I will NOT always be inspirational. Sometimes I will be off colored, and possibly a little crude. Inspirational is who I genuinely am, but I am also light-hearted with wit and humor. I sometimes like to go for “shock effect” so to speak. This is also part of who I am. I do NOT want to be thought of as some stuffy, uptight Christian girl who thinks life is all about rainbows and unicorns, because this would NOT be an accurate picture of me as a full person. Sometimes I feel like I have turrets syndrome and say the most RANDOM things like, “You face looks like a giant vagina, you should wax your lip and chin!” (just an example, I have never actually said this…BUT I have thought it!) It’s because I seriously have a weird sense of humor. I’m also very open about my life which is cause for LOTS of feedback, which is fine. If you have the need to tell me that you feel like I and “going to hell” then you are certainly welcome to do that, but know that I will strike back so hot that you will wish that you kept your mouth shut….This is MY blog, and MY life, so I am going to run the show, not my readers. Would I LOVE to have a giant group of followers someday? Absolutely! But that takes time. I am NOT looking for instant fame, or for fame at all. I am looking for people to follow me who are REAL. People who have everyday, shitty problems, that sometimes need a laugh. I want to provide humor, wit AND inspiration. There can be balance. So I will say this now, I am SORRY if I offend you in any way as that is not my intention. However, I am a human being with real thoughts and feelings and I plan to show it off from time to time. Life is short, and I plan to be whoever I want to be without dictation from anyone. As long as I am not hurting anyone than I don’t remotely see a problem. If you start to read a piece I’ve written and decide “This post isn’t for me” then I encourage you to immediately click out of it. BUT….DO NOT JUDGE ME….some of you know me and some of you don’t. I wear many hats and like I said, while I like to be inspirational, I also like to be a bit off colored; its part of what makes me….ME…..

~B

This random psychedelic  bus I saw parked at the beach last summer. I was enamored that someone DROVE this! AWESOME!

This random psychedelic bus I saw parked at the beach last summer. I was enamored that someone DROVE this! AWESOME!

My friend Cristy and I at a reggae concert last summer! OMG!!! One of the most fun nights ever! (I am on the left).

My friend Cristy and I at a reggae concert last summer! OMG!!! One of the most fun nights ever! (I am on the left).

My children...they TOTALLY take after their mother!

My children…they TOTALLY take after their mother!

My motto in life.....

My motto in life…..

Kay…”You teach people how to treat you…”

Kay and I met at our friend Pam’s son’s first birthday party on a June day in 2005. I remember there was four of us girls that got to know each other that day and have, in one way or another, been a HUGE part of each others lives. Kay says she will always remember what I was wearing when she met me. It was a little red and white plaid jumper…Kay, Pam and I became fast friends. Kay and I had a connection that I will never be able to explain. We were able to talk over one another, yet still complete the conversation like pros. We could finish each other sentences, it was amazing. It’s rare in this life that your able to find a girlfriend that can complete you in so many ways as Kay has for me over the years.

In 2006, Kay and I took our first road trip together, we packed our bags and headed to Portland, Or where we were going to see BON JOVI! We were like two 16 year-old girls that day. We played his newest album so we’d know the lyrics to all the songs. I remember laughing so hard on that trip. It was one of the best memories of my entire life. This was a friend I would have for life…I mean this woman taught me how to make DRINKABLE coffee without flavored creamer! YOU CAN DO THAT? “With enough milk and sugar, you can do anything.” she said. This road trip was only the beginning of something special between the two of us.

On my birthday, May 2, 2006, Kay took me shopping. She was determined to get me out of my “Ugly Jesus shoes” (they were brown Birkenstocks), and I LOVED THEM….Kay hated them. She said I had “amazing calves” and I needed a heel that would “elongate my calves.” At that point in my life I was lucky to have an elongated WAIST, let alone CALVES! I still chuckle as I remember her words. I will remember that day forever, it was so much fun, We shopped for HOURS, ate lunch, and she found me the perfect heels to go with all my dresses…I still have them…and I will keep them forever…

Later that year, Kay, Pam, and I all went to a Christian conference together called Women of Faith with our church. I remember that conference taking my faith in God to new heights. I believe the three of us shared a hotel room that year….but I could be wrong, I can’t remember. We sat together, we walked together, we encouraged one another. I had just gotten married, to Craig, the year before and it was an extremely tumultuous marriage. Kay and Pam were always encouraging me to be better….to do better. These woman had been at this whole “God thing” quite a bit longer than I had. They never once made me feel like a burden when I would call them crying, but would bounce me between them so neither one of them got burnt out. I totally can’t blame them; I was a complete basket case almost the entire 2 year that I was married to my first husband.

Kay and I spent a lot of time together having coffee and tea and talking about what life means and how we could continually to grow in God. She was my INSPIRATION to be a better person. I remember her giving me the analogy that the holy spirit is like a seed, if you water it, it will grow, but if you neglect it, it will shrivel. I was always struggling to water my seed and I still struggle to this day. I struggle with why God allows certain events to take place in our lives…

In the summer of 2007, my entire world came crashing down around me….I recieved the news, on a Monday, August 27, 2007, at work, that my husband had committed suicide. I remember my world completely stopping. (I will write more on this one day, but not today). I called another friend at the time to come get me from work, and I went to stay with her. Pam took my kids that night and I think they spent the night with her. I remember calling Kay and begging her to please come get me as I needed her, as I wasn’t in the right home at that point. Kay and her husband came and gathered me up. The moment I walked into their house a sense of peace came over me, as this would be my home for the next week. Kay made sure I ate, I remember her feeding me crackers…they were these sweetish kind of crackers that I could nibble on as I wasn’t eating much (go figure). I think she made me eat a weird salad the next night because I needed “My veggies.” Kay drove me around to every appointment I had that week. I barely remember a thing from that week as it all happened so fast. I remember she drove me to the funeral home and I just couldn’t make any decisions, and she kept telling me “No decision have to be made today.” I think we left and went back another day. Kay helped me with all the phone calls, hosted a brunch for me and Craig’s family, found me a lawyer, and walked me through the entire grieving process. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. I believe, if my memory serves me correctly, the funeral was the following Monday, Labor day, 2007. I believe Kay and Web sat behind me at the funeral, but I really don’t remember. I stayed one more night at their house the day of the funeral, and was gently encouraged to return home the next day. A week had gone by; in fact I’m pretty sure I would’ve stayed longer, but my children needed me and Kay and Web assured me that I was going to be ok. They told me they were only a phone call away if I needed them.

I returned home from Kay’s to a completely SPOTLESS home, Pam came in and completely wiped it clean with the power of her soul. My floors were mopped, my carpets vacuumed, everything dusted, bathroom cleaned, and mine and the kids’ rooms were cleaned. Pam is a “behind the scenes” person. She is like a little angel, she always popped in when I least expected it, but somehow always knew when I needed it most. (She has a huge role in my life and will get her own story one of these days). These are the only two women I have remained friends with after all these year. The only two women who never turned their backs on me when things got rough over the years.

In the summer of 2008, I remarried to my current husband Gary. Kay and Pam were my Matrons of Honor, and my sister was my maid of honor. See, I couldn’t choose just one. My sister was a given, but Kay and Pam were my backbone, my sisters in Christ, Kay being the older sister, Pam being the middle sister, and I the youngest. Web, Kay’s husband gave me away; he will always be the brother I never had. Kay gave the most beautiful speech as she cried, and we all struggled to hear what she was saying. Because that’s Kay, ALWAYS crying in sadness and joy. I don’t think there is a moment that I can think of when we haven’t been together and Kay hasn’t cried from SOMETHING. Generally it’s laughter and joy, but oftentimes it’s just her heart. She has one of the purist hearts I have ever witnessed. She CONSTANTLY was trying to keep me on the straight and narrow path as I constantly tested her patience with my zigging and zagging. Oh the stories she could tell you!

In January of 2010, we got the news that Kay had stage three colon cancer, I remember being so scared. I returned only a fraction of what she did for me by taking her to several chemo appointments, and visiting her as often as I could. She is one of the strongest fighters I have ever witnessed a day in my life. Kay praised God every step of the way, sometimes wondering why her, but I also remember her saying “Why not me?” Kay never thought she was above anything or any situation; Kay just constantly said, “I don’t know why this is happening, but God will see me through it!” and He did…..after a surgery and 8 months of chemo, she was cancer free. She BEAT COLON CANCER!!! We were all so incredibly relieved.

I think I’m still in denial. It can’t be true, one of my best friends, longest friends, one of my timeless friends….was diagnosed with brain cancer on the eve of her 50th birthday…December 6, 2013. Kay has been given only 6-9 short months to live. Kay has decided to forgo radiation and try to beat this with a very special, extremely restricted, diet called the Gerson diet. It’s been proven over and over that cancer can, and does, get beaten with an organic, special blend diet that is VERY EXPENSIVE. When I talked to her last she had been on the diet for 4 days and felt FANTASTIC! I believe that through the power of prayer, family, and a good wholesome diet with the certain organic foods, SHE CAN BEAT THIS!!! And YES, I am going to ask for YOUR HELP! See, we are all on this earth to help one another. If we all gave just $10 (that’s TWO STARBUCKS COFFEES) that would be enough to continue to feed her this very expensive, special diet and hopefully will save her life.

I just don’t understand how this can happen to such a beautiful person. Kay has been an inspiration to me for YEARS. She’s the one who taught me, “You teach people how to treat you.” Those words will be passed down from generation to generation in my family…all from this ONE person. HOW CAN ONE PERSON HAVE SUCH AN AMAZING EFFECT ON SOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE I WILL NEVER KNOW……

See, all things happen for a reason, If I hadn’t met Craig chances are I wouldn’t have 2 of my best friends now, Pam and Kay. I can’t imagine these two women NOT being in my life forever. PLEASE help me, help my inspiration. Kay is one of the reasons I continue to walk with God even when I am so angry and would like to turn my back on Him.

I humbly ask that you take a moment to pray, or if your spiritual, then to just ask whatever high power you believe in, to touch your heart and donate to one of the most worthy people I have ever met….The link is posted right here….

http://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/y3q3/susan-kay-beeman-cancer-fund#

Kay and her husband Web

Kay and her husband Web


Kay and her husband and Gary and I's wedding 2008....never seen two people more in love!

Kay and her husband at Gary and I’s wedding 2008….never seen two people more in love!


Kay giving her Maid of Honor speech...

Kay giving her Maid of Honor speech…


Kay leading us in prayer before my wedding...

Kay leading us in prayer before my wedding…


Me, Kay, and Pam and my wedding shower...T

Me, Kay, and Pam at my wedding shower…


Kay and Web

Kay and Web

A Baby….Seriously God?

I’ve always been the rebellious one in my family…the black sheep so to speak. No one ever set a single boundary for me, as a child, and in essence I grew up getting my way on EVERYTHING. I would pout for HOURS until I obtained whatever it was I was after. I constantly refused to do things just to be difficult, and prove no one could make me do anything I, myself, didn’t want to do. Because the adults in my life didn’t know how to handle a child of such defiance I was given whatever I wanted just to get me to behave. Well I don’t have to tell you that it basically turned me into a self-entitled little brat! This unfortunately carried into my adult years…FUN!

Now, to my credit, I graduated high school in 3 years due to taking college courses (out of pure boredom and not wanting to be home) with my then, highschool boyfriend. I only took these classes so my boyfriend and I could spend time together. I had no idea that at the beginning of my junior year of high school my counselor would tell me that I had the opportunity to graduate that year. Due to taking college classes such as math and english I was eligible for early graduation. I accepted that offer at the drop of the hat. I HATED high school and wanted nothing more than to be done. I graduated from highschool and started my life at 17. I proceeded to move out almost immediately; I worked 2-3 jobs during this time just to make ends meet. I may have never had discipline growing up, but we were poor. So I didn’t have a singe person I could call and ask for help from. Looking back, I’m glad I didn;t have anyone, but at the time I TOTALLY wished I did. Having no one to rely on made me work a million times harder since I had an apartment to pay for, power, phone (like old school, plug-into-the-wall type phone). I pretty much had to bike everywhere or occasionally get a ride from my mom. I was finally able to afford to by a cheap car. I think I paid $1000 for it and made the guy $100 payments for 10 months; it was a 1985 UGLY brown Chevy Chevette. While it might have been ugly, that car traipsed me and my close friend all over the place. I lived in Crescent City, CA back then (my mom moved us there when I was 12). I have no clue why my mom would move us to such desolate, horrible place, where pretty much everyone was mean…especially the kids. Oh yes, she wanted to live near the OCEAN! She couldn’t have moved us to MALIBU? OK, rabbit trail….sorry, I do that all the time…

I got out of Crescent Shitty…*cough, cough* I mean Crescent City when I was 21. I moved 3 hours north to a valley in Oregon. It is beautiful here in Southern Oregon. I got pregnant with Taylor pretty quick, because agin, I had no boundaries. Looking back this is probably comes from being molested when I was 12, but that’s an entire OTHER story that I do not feel like discussing tonight. Anyway, needless to say pregnancy was quite the shock. Keep in mind for later, that the day I found out I was prego, was the first time I had laid foot in a church in YEARS. I don’t remember what the service was about, but I do know my roommate talked me into going to church with her and her friend that morning. I got sick eating pizza at the mall after church and I immediately knew something was wrong. I had the immediate feeling that I was pregnant, and I was right. I was freaking out about how I would provide for a child on $$6.95 an hour. I had no idea what I should do. I went back and forth about my options, and at one point decided I would keep it and then later had a FREAK OUT and decided to get a late-term abortion. I was 4 1/2 months pregnant, and I scheduled the procedure for the following week. I just couldn’t be a mom, I could barely take care of myself. At that time I pretty much knew nothing about God. I owe the credit of my son’s entire existence to a local pastor. It was just about closing time when this man came through my line. Our exchange went as follows:

Pastor: “Good evening young lady, how are you tonight?” (He did introduce himself as a local pastor of a church in my area).
Me: “Fine” (in my head thinking, “please don’t make small talk, I’m not in the mood dude”)
Pastor: I rarely get the inclination to do something like this, but I want you to know that God wants me to deliver a very important message to you.”
Me: *thinking dude, your crazy* But also a bit awe-struck and curious…I had no idea that what he was about to say would change my life forever.
Pastor: God knows that you are going through something extremely difficult and wants you to know that he wants you to do what HE would want you to do.”
Me: With tears in my eyes and completely dumbfounded as my chin I’m pretty sure hit the floor, I said, “I’m sorry, WHAT?”
Pastor: May I pray with you?”
Me: “sure”
Pastor: Dear heavenly Father, I pray that you pour your wisdom into this young lady so that she will honor you.” (Short and sweet)
Me: (tears now abundantly clear) I whisper… “thank you”
Pastor; young lady, things will be ok, just listen to God.”

And just like that he walked away….

I went home that night and prayed for, pretty much, the first time in my entire life. I think it went something like this:
“God, I have no idea what happened tonight, and I am pretty freaked out. I have no business keeping this baby. I have a crappy job and no money to raise a kid on, you DO NOT want me to be a mother, I ASSURE you!!!” And without the skip of a beat I heard a voice that said, “This child will come into the world to do great things.” I was SO FREAKED OUT I jumped up out of bed, turned on my light, because I was POSITIVE someone was in my room….but there was no one. Just me, and my bed, and my now wildly crazy thoughts that I am CLEARLY schizophrenic, because I am hearing voices in my head! I went and got a drink of water; my heart was beating so fast I was sure I was going to have a heart attack. I mildly calmed myself down, I get back into bed, and I say “OK God, if that was REALLY YOU, then you need to show me a sign that this is something I am really supposed to do…A CLEAR SIGN…(Picture this: I am shouting out loud…I knew I sounded like a lunatic!) But what happened next would change fate forever. I was lying there, and all of a sudden I felt what felt like butterflies in my stomach. It was the first time I ever felt him move, the flutters lasted for about 30 minutes. I had my sign….I laid in my bed and cried for hours, knowing I had just committed to becoming a mother. I had never felt so scared in that moment, than I have ever felt in my entire life.

4 1/2 months later I gave birth to a son, Taylor. My ENTIRE family was in the delivery room…(Imagine my big fat greek wedding), seriously….even my 14 year-old sister AND her boyfriend were in there (BIRTH CONTROL)! Which must have worked since she’s 29 with no plans to have children. After 15 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing, All was quiet as Taylor was making his appearance into the world…and all of a sudden I hear my mother yell “WHY IS HE BLUE?” The doctor looked at her and said, “YOU….OUT….NOW!” Seriously, why would you yell that? If you knew my mother you would understand. Taylor was born a healthy baby boy (I wish I could remember his stats, but I don’t). I do remember however that he was born on 3/31, at 3:33am, in room 3, in the Chinese NEW Year of the Rabbit (luckiest year), and most importantly the blessing of the LORD. I’m pretty sure that 3 is his lucky number…

I wish I could go on to say that I found God, and was a phenomenal mother, but that is far from the truth; I was still the same self-centered girl I was 9 months before…

In case you’re wondering, I just told my son this full story on this most recent Christmas night. It was the right timing as he has been dealing with some very personal issues. I never want him to doubt that there isn’t a God…because that would be a travesty all things considering. I’m not sure anyone in my family knows this story because none of them believe in God, and I’m not sure they would believe me anyhow.

I promise I will continue the story of what happened next, but the story of ones life can not be written in a whole night….

loves,

~B

Taylor became my INSPIRATION….

Taylor and I when he was around 4.

Taylor and I when he was around 4.

Taylor, Age 3

Taylor, Age 3

Taylor, age 1 1/2

Taylor, age 1 1/2

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, age 3

Taylor, today, Age 14 1/2

Taylor, today, Age 14 1/2

It’s a Fine Balance…

I believe a balanced life is a difficult life to obtain. Balance is extremely delicate. Balance means knowing what you can personally handle and when you need a break. Balance means knowing when to schedule “you” time. I’m not very good with balance. I tend to be over focused on work, my kids, and running my business which is a nail salon located next door to my house. I feel like I live a very privileged life and I am by no means complaining. I have children who are good kids, a wonderful husband, and dedicated friends who constantly have my back. I created this blog to give me some “me” time. It’s my way of sorting out my thoughts while receiving feedback from my readers.

A little about my current life, I have two teenagers who are almost 13 and almost 15. I was a pretty disconnected mom when they were little causing me to feel like I needed to overcompensate for my inactivity in their lives once their step-dad died. When my husband passed away when they were 6 and 8 I realized how I needed to step up my game as a mom and earn the title….so to speak. I promised my son and daughter that I would NEVER again allow someone to come between us the way I had allowed my former husband to. In response to this my 8-year-old son says to me, and I quote, “Your here now mom and that’s all that matters.” Children are so forgiving. Please don’t mistake me as a mother who abandoned her children for that was not the case. However, you know those moments when your present but you’re not really present? That was me…I would use the tv as a babysitter, I would call their dad or my mom to come get them as I was selfish and wanted to hang out with my then boyfriend whom I later married….big mistake in some ways, but in others I’m not sure I would be who I am today without that experience. So maybe God saw an opportunity to teach me a few things along the way since I I was hellbent on being stubborn.

I got married to a man I’d known for years 10 months after my first husband passed away.Gary and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. For the record, I never cheated. Some people assume that since I got married so fast that I must have been cheating; that was not the case. In our case, I was involved a church that preached heavily about not having sex before marriage which was pretty much the basis of why we got married so fast. Don’t get me wrong, I believe Gary and I would have ended up getting married eventually, just not as fast as we did. But since we did, “honor God” I do believe that God helps us out when things are sticky around here.And this last year has been hell. I think I started to develop a drinking problem this past year, and suffered horribly from depression. As I have stepped back, I have realized that I don’t have a drinking problem. My problem is that I was horribly depressed for many reasons which made me want to drink. Since I have gotten my hormones and depression under control this is no longer an issue. THANK GOD!

My point is this, I am a mom FIRST, because my kids did not ask to be brought into this world, a wife second and everything else comes after that. My husband would argue that he comes last, and in all reality he is probably right. See, I am OBSESSIVE about raising good human beings, I’m extremely dedicated to my job, and friends, and when it comes to my husband (who is AMAZING) I am typically stretched so thin that I oftentimes just want to retreat to being alone so I can just veg out. BECAUSE I AM HORRIBLE WITH BALANCE!

For example, we had quite the bombshell dropped on us several weeks ago. Since it had to do with one of my children it’s all I have been dealing with for the last several weeks…which is totally fine. My son desperately needed me and I was happy to be there for him. However, I am EXHAUSTED mentally! Between that situation and working an extreme amount of hours during the holidays, I have had NO downtime. This is the first weekend my kids have not been home in several weeks. Their dad and I used to split them one week on and one week off; we’ve been on that schedule, for the most part, since they were one and three; so their entire lives. They came to live with Gary and I full-time in May of this last year. It was quite a change having them full-time. It was overwhelming but ultimately the best decision for the children. Honestly, I was ELATED that this was the new plan, because I am ultimately the better parent (Brian, their dad, says the same thing). My kids and I have developed a new-found bond that is tighter than ever. Now that they have reached junior high and high school they need someone who can focus their full attention on where they are, what they are doing, and it works out perfectly.

However; I still need to find balance, I need to find a better balance, one that makes my husband feel more included, and part of me wonders if it really exists…..Any thoughts?

This post only gave you a tip of the iceberg on my background. I promise to continue to post posts that will put a lot of detail in more perspective. If you would like me write a specific post, on something you would like to know more about, please feel free to comment and ask.

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Quiet mornings…will they ever exist?

This morning I was looking forward to sitting here drinking my coffee, writing a new post, and enjoying the SILENCE that I never receive due to having a family. For example, I figured my husband would sleep in today and I could have about an hour of blog time. However, he must have heard his beautiful wife get up to seize the day which has resulted in him now wanting to chat my ear off! The dogs are running around like maniacs and my peace and quiet is no longer. I will CHOOSE to not be annoyed by this, but to be thankful that I do have a family to cause the little bit of disrupted time I do have and “go with the flow.” My creative juices are best when it is utterly QUIET….when the doggies are in their beds, there is no rustling of the newspaper beside me, etc….etc….Can anyone relate to this?

This is where my blog is ending for the morning. I am going to CHOOSE to not let my disrupted fantasies of a quiet morning ruin my day , but to be thankful that I have people in my life to disrupt my quiet morning…lol. Because this year…2014, I choose to be INSPIRED and to be INSPIRING despite these little annoyances. I hope you all have a wonderful day! I am off to work to INSPIRE clients with meaningful conversation, and to send them off with BEAUTIFUL nails that they will hopefully marvel at for the next 3-4 weeks before I see them again!

Have a SUPER-FANTASTIC DAY!!!!

~B

This is a picture I took at the beach last summer. It inspires me to be thankful and to be happy!I have also included a picture of my hubby and one of our beloved pooches, Bailee our labradoodle, to give you a visual of my family….Have a great day!

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