A Constant “Wonderland…..”

This is EXACLY how it felt to be with my first husband (The one who committed suicide)….

Flashing lights and we

Took a wrong turn and we

Fell down a rabbit hole.

You held on tight to me
‘Cause nothing’s as it seems
I’m spinning out of control.

Didn’t they tell us don’t rush into things?
Didn’t you flash your green eyes at me?
Haven’t you heard what becomes of curious minds?

So we went on our way
Too in love to think straight
All alone or so it seemed.

But there were strangers watching
And whispers turned to talking
And talking turned to screams.

Didn’t they tell us don’t rush into things?
Didn’t you flash your green eyes at me?
Didn’t you calm my fears with the Cheshire cat smile?

Didn’t it all seem new and exciting?
I felt your arms twisting ’round me
It’s all fun and games ’til somebody loses their mind.

But darling, we found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And we pretended it could last forever

We found wonderland
You and I got lost in it
And life was never worse but never better

I reached for you but you were gone
I knew I had to go back home
You search the world for something else to make you feel like what we had
And in the end in wonderland we both went mad……

Lyrics~ Taylor Swift

Love,

~B

_wallpaper__wonderland_by_ddesimarie-d64d8sk

Radical Acceptance…..

So, for those of you that may not be aware…I just started participating in a year-long therapy journey called DBT. It stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. In one word? AMAZING! But at the same time….extremely difficult. This is my second week participating in the group portion of the therapy which I thought I would hate but I totally LOVE! Tonight we talked about RADICAL ACCEPTANCE……take that in for a minute….Radical Acceptance…..

Accepting any situation that you don’t WANT to accept is going to difficult right? Losing a loved one, discovering you have cancer, finding out your spouse has been having an affair, finding out your child is being bullied at school, just the tough stuff that is thrown at us on a daily basis. Even the smaller things like the dishwasher breaking, our child getting sick etc. BUT….to RADICALLY ACCEPT these situations and commit to not focusing on the bad, but accepting that the situation purely “is what it is.” That is HARD!!!!

Tonight we did this activity where we had to write down 5 or 6 adjectives that we felt described us. Then we had to write down the opposite of those adjectives. Our group leader then told us to digest that in fact BOTH lists were true of ourselves. I looked at my lists and at first I was really sad, then I was kind of irritated because I didn’t want the opposites (the negatives) to be true. However, no one is perfect. My list made me a human being and I’m working on improving the negative stuff.

With radical acceptance I can take my problem, and start to solve it, by changing how I feel about it. I can choose to accept it and work on it, or I can stay miserable. Suffering is less intense with acceptance. Let that sink in for a minute. ”

I’ll leave you with this…..but I will write more soon. In the meantime….Is there a situation in your life you can work on radically accepting?

Love,

B~

acceptance-image

Daughters….so much to learn…God bless them…

I have a new parenting note I’d like to share. I, for the first time, was teaching my daughter how to separate her darks from her lights when doing laundry. She tends to build up a lot of laundry since she is a 13-year-old girl! When she realized that I was going to sit next to the washing machine, and help her differentiate what was light and what was dark, she informed me that she knew how to do her own laundry. I told her she had enough laundry that she was going to have to do two loads anyway so she needed to learn how to separate her lights from her darks. She reluctantly let me help her, asking periodically if something was light or dark.

When we finished, I told her that it wasn’t that I was trying to tell her what to do….it was just that I was trying to help her realize that clothes are getting more expensive, they aren’t made as well as they used to be, and if you can save something from being ruined because you worked hard to buy it then you should. I think she realized I just wanted to help her and she thanked me.

I told her to look at it this way, look at it as though I’m giving her “Life Hacks”. Not really trying to tell you what to do, just trying to make your life a little easier in the long run for when you get older and move out. “Life Hacks, not “my way or the highway!” Well at least until curfew is an issue anyway….. But that’s another story for when she’s a little older.

Love,

B~

raising-teenager-ecard

We’re all a Little ‘Cray Cray’….Life is About Creating Paths and Relationships…

OK, So I just recently started this new journey of therapy. If you haven’t already, there is a whole post dedicated to DBT therapy you can go read on. Simply put? AMAZING!!!! I’ve only been 4 times but I have learned a plethora of information! Isn’t it logical that if your going to walk someone through all the non so warm and fuzzy times of their lives that you would at least prepare them with tools for emotional success and have them practice these before the real therapy begins?

I went to traditional therapy for SIX years people and I am right back where I was but actually I’m worse because that woman totally screwed me up. Anyway….I’ve been to this one 4 time and I think between this and the small amount of medication I let my doctor put me  on, I’m suddenly feeling FANTASTIC for the most part this last week! I struggle with anxiety and actively noticed that my anxiety level was at like practical non-existent compared to my high-strung, if it doesn’t go as it should…everything is.going.to.end.FOREVER……

I’M TOTALLY ROCKING OUT TO BANG BANG BY ARIANA GRANDE….(THANKS SON)….LOL

Anyway, I feel great so I’m totally not going to over think it too much and just roll with it because whatever I’m doing is WORKING! lol.

It is hard work though, I’ll be honest. It’s a lot of constant redirection of thinking. It can be a little exhausting BUT it’s getting a little easier each day with practice patience, self acceptance, self-love, etc…..kinda like the whole nail art adventure I’ve currently embarked upon! I mean if I’m going to live this life I want it to be the best, most influential one I can lead!

If I can change from who I was to who I want to be it’ll be the greatest accomplishment I could even make! I also had a BREAKTHROUGH business idea tonight! More on that later….! Seriously, I think it’s borderline genius and I wouldn’t have to quit my job doing nails to do it if I could make it work. But that’s WAY later down the road, BUT exciting nonetheless!

I’ve also gotten to form some really neat connections lately. I never know how long I’ll ever get with a person before they’ll move, on, have to stop getting their nails done for some reason etc. The BEST part of my job HANDS DOWN is sharing life stories and experiences! Doesn’t it make this life not feel so lonely and scary!? Oh, and we can all realize we’re not crazy because there is someone else out there who is just as ‘cray cray’ as they are on some level! I love the relatability factor I have with 95% of my clients. It’s hard to even say the word client and not refer to my clients as “this friend of mine” which oftentimes I do!

Ok, I really am going to try to keep up my blog a little more consistently!

Love

B~

pic

 

 

Journey of Life….

So, I’m on this journey of a sense of self discovery. It’s not as fun as it sounds, but I’m trying to approach it with a glass half full attitude. Life goes through these weird phases where everything is in alignment and going along, seems to be “ok.” Then BAM!!! something comes along to derail your plans or shatters your world. I hear stories everyday of women who are going through “stuff.” What might be big deals to some people may not faze other people. I have some REALLY good friends in my life right now. You know what I love about my best friend? Her grace. She went into our friendship knowing exactly who I was. I never hid myself from her and she continues to love me in spite of myself everyday. She is amazing and I feel lucky that we have each other to confide in.

So, as I’m sitting here having all these amazing discoveries. My surroundings are so funny right now. Hubby watching football, kids and friends houses, and my dogs hanging out. You know what sounds good? Hashbrowns. I have frozen hashbrowns, I think I’m going to go cook some up!

Peace out for now!

~B

Is This What an Adult Feels like?

I’m watching Julie and Julia, (well I was until my husband came home and changed it to the Oregon ducks game).What a terrific movie about a young woman’s life who decides she is going to cook an entire cookbook of Julia Child’s in 365 days! What a concept! Can you imagine dedicating yourself to something totally new to you…. like cooking everyday? I just got an idea! What if I do 365 days of yoga moves? I could learn 1 new position a day and add-on to each position each day! I totally think I’m onto something! My passion is writing…and getting better. My doctor is encouraging yoga to help with my mental health. She said to me “If you don’t take care of you, you can’t take care of anyone else.” How true is that? So seriously, 1 yoga move a day for like what 6 months…. a year? How interesting would that be? Be mind, body and spirit for a few minutes each day. I wonder if I could do it. I wonder if I could commit to anything that long. I think as of now in my life I am coming up on a bunch of commitment firsts…here is a colorful list….

1. Been married for 6 years and 3 months…(I can’t believe he’s put up with me that long….seriously)…

2. I have kept TWO kids ALIVE so far! Shocking, to some, I know…..

3. I have 2 dogs, and 2 cats who are also alive!….I killed my bird 7 years ago BY ACCIDENT! He was this really cool finch my son found outside, like tiny baby. Still had its down feathers. Oh I loved Mr. Dicky!

4. I have managed to contribute in paying a mortgage. I feel like a real adult.

5. I have TEENAGERS….I think that also makes me an adult.

I’m 37. I don’t necessarily FEEL like an adult. I feel like this awkward teenager who is suddenly became an adult with two teen children, 2 dogs, 2 cats, only ONE dead bird and a husband of 6 years.

Does anyone else feel like adulthood got thrown on them? LITERALLY!!!??

Love,

~B

So Quiet in the World Tonight…

My family is getting busier and busier. My son is off doing his play, my hubby is spending time with his dad, and my daughter spent a little time with me tonight after I bugged her. I’m super tired and think I will try to go to sleep early. It’s been a long/slow day. I’m exceptionally tired and kinda sad that my therapy appointment was canceled AGAIN. But she does have a legitimate excuse…kidney stone; that;s gotta be painful. Ok, well that is all…not much, but a post nonetheless. Have a great night!

BPD and DBT…

I learned a few coping skills at my first appointment on Thursday. I can tell you that I did NOT tap into those skills today AT ALL! I should have, but I was so blinded by anger and hurt that my head was spinning like something you would see in a Poltergeist movie! The fury that arose from being so blinded by fear and injustice was overwhelming; especially for someone with BPD. I will admit that while I had every right to FEEL the way I did, that my REACTION should have been different; instead of screaming and blowing up on my family member, I should have taken a break, grouped my thoughts together, and taken a more productive approach. But I didn’t. I blew a gasket. You know who this really hurts? Just me. My shoulders are tight, anxiety is high, I’m embarrassed and feel icky inside. I’m so tired of feeling like this and it’s just fueling me to turn my “Sadness into gladness” as my dear friend Lori put it today.

The world is sometimes a really scary feeling place and that is really hard for someone like me to admit. On the outside, I’m most of the time, sweet, bubbly, talkative, and friendly. Please hear me when I tell you this….I am not fake….I really, truly am all of those things. However, sometimes I have to force those behaviors in order to hide other behaviors such as fear, anxiety, depression etc.

I didn’t mention this in my last post because my head was a mess and I was just writing because I find writing soothing. On Thursday, my therapist asked me a TON of yes/no questions. Turns out, (so she says) that I have PTSD, and major depressive disorder. Now the PTSD I could not have predicted, but MDD? I rarely feel the need to stay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. However, that is not what MDD really means. MDD is as follows:

 

• Depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than two weeks.
• Mood represents a change from the person’s baseline.
• Impaired function: social, occupational, educational.
• Specific symptoms, at least 5 of these 9, present nearly every day:
1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report
(e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).
2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day
3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite
4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia
5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation
6. Fatigue or loss of energy
7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness
9. Suicidality: Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan

 

I would like to be clear to my friends and family who follow me here. I DO NOT struggle with self harm or suicidal thoughts and tendencies or dissociation. Thank the LORD! My therapy plan is a ONE YEAR commitment. Every Tuesday morning I will go individually, and group therapy every Wednesday evening. Group therapy sounds scary, but I’m trying to remember that everyone in this group is like me which is why we’re all there. We all have a common goal…and that is to get better.

 

One of the things I struggle with the most is commitment. I commit and then I flake. Mainly I flake out of the “what if” fear. I go into irrational thinking and talk myself right out of the thing I committed to. I am making a COMMITMENT to myself first and my family to do this. I WANT to get better! 1 year of my life and I can most likely be BPD symptom free? YES PLEASE! It’s not going to be easy but it’s going to be totally worth it.

 

If you or someone you know struggles with depression I encourage you to seek help. While I haven’t seen the effects of this work yet, I also don’t have any tools to work with quite yet. Oh, I do have one thing…..I can call my therapist 24/7 in the event that I need coping skills immediately. I exercised this phone call last night, and I should have done it today. Honestly it didn’t even cross my mind to call her today. I think it’s because this whole thing is so new to me.

Loves until next time,

~B

bpd recovery reality

Week 1 of DBT.

Today I went and did my first appointment for dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). Today was the intake process, and very overwhelming. My therapist name is Candace. Every time I told her a concern I was afraid of, and wanted to work on, she assured me that everybody with borderline personality disorder completely feels the same way and it can be dealt with. I told her that I was very judgmental, and she said that’s one of the most common traits. (Please don’t let that scare you!) ☺️

She gave me some homework, and tonight I looked it over. I started to cry, because I’m realizing that my entire way of thinking and behaving is going to be completely overhauled. While I thought this was a 24 week commitment, she told me today that I need to commit to a minimum of one year. That is a long time! However, in all reality, isn’t it a short amount of time compared to the rest of my life? If I could devote 1 to 3 years of DBT, and be free of all of the negative responses that go on in my life, wouldn’t that be worth it? The answer is yes!

This is a very short brief of the 2 hours I spent In there. But I’m very tired and want to go to bed. I figured something was better than nothing. 👍☺️

I will continue to update you on my journey!

~B

Waiting for the Paint to Dry….

I’m remodeling my shop and I’m waiting for the paint to dry. So I thought I would take the opportunity to write this piece. It’s been a subject I’ve wanted to tackle for quite sometime.

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down to write a real piece. I thought I would take criticism pretty good, but I don’t. Here’s the deal….if you don’t like my blog then it’s simple….JUST DONT READ IT….unsubscribe….please! With that being said….here we go!…

For many months I have felt like I have been just “going through the motions” at work and at home. Get what I need to do done, don’t invest much….and move on to the next daunting thing on my list. I’ve been plagued with depression my whole life which sucks. I really don’t have anything to be depressed about. Unfortunately for some people it is completely out of their control and they just feel how they feel. For me it goes much deeper than depression. In May, of this year, I was told that it was becoming clear that I did indeed have something more serious than depression….and this is the first time I have been brave enough to speak of it publicly. I was told that I “suffer” from Borderline Personality Disorder.  So there it is…..I can’t believe I said it. I am a little scared, but there it is.

I’ve “suffered in silence” (except for a few close friends and my husband), so to speak, since May. There is no medication that magically makes the symptoms of BPD magically disappear. NONE…..so hears a funny story (kinda) about the day I was hit with this diagnosis. I walked into my psychiatrists office, ready to tackle all of life’s problems, being completely 100% open with him for really the first time EVER in 10 years. He told me there was no medication to fix BPD….not.even.one. My soul was literally crushed into a million pieces. Here I had been working on my hormone problems and got all that fixed. So when I realized some of my other problems weren’t disappearing now that my hormones were fixed I was LIGIT ready to pop some pills. Because seriously…who likes to feel crazy? Anyone? A show of hands would be great! No one? Just me? GREEEAAAT……lol. There is nothing more debilitating than feeling like you are one ticking time bomb away from a nervous breakdown ESPECIALLY when every other aspect of your life is pretty fantastic. So what did I do? What any other NORMAL CRAZY person would do…..I wallowed. I have wallowed in MISERY for MONTHS. I just can’t do it anymore. I have to take control of my life back. There is some light for people with BPD; it’s called DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Here is a quick breakdown of what it is:

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a well researched and comprehensive treatment approach designed to help people who have difficulty in regulating their emotions. This often results in a high degree of impulsive reactivity, self-destructive behaviors, and volatile relationships with others in their lives. DBT works by teaching participants to become more aware of their particular sensitivity to negative emotions such as anger and shame. At the same time, it provides the skills necessary to tolerate these feelings and then begin to regulate them. DBT also teaches assertiveness skills to enable participants to effectively begin asking for what they want from others and saying no to things they don’t want.

Who can benefit from DBT?

Studies have shown that DBT reduces:

  • Suicidal behaviors
  • Intentional self-injury
  • Depression
  • Hopelessness
  • Anger
  • Eating Disorders
  • Substance Dependence
  • Impulsiveness

And Increases:

  • Adjustment in general and especially improved social functioning
  • Positive self-esteem

Fortunately I don’t really think aboout suicide nor do I inflict self-harm, BUT I do have a lot of the other signs. I called up my local DBT center and talked with the director. I wish I had not indeed wallowed in self pity for so many months and had just picked up the phone and called. But I didn’t, and the past is the past so I am now moving forward. I feel like I have some hope. The director made me feel so HOPEFUL! She told me there are people who have put their BPD into complete REMISSION!!!! YOU CAN DO THAT?? She went on to tell me that people who really put in the hard work (it’s a 24 week commitment minimum) can actually be completely 100% free of any BPD symptoms! I thought I was going to cry right then and there; I never dreamed in a million years that I could be freed from depression, anxiety, and oh the biggest one….the anger. Anger is one of the most debilitating feelings in the world because I don’t even know WHY I’ angry most of the time. When I told the director that I ran my own business and that I’m busy and successful she was very surprised. I can tend to keep it pretty together for 7 hours a day. I get my own therapy in talking to my clients and bouncing my stuff off of them.

I feel like I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel because tunnels without a light are dark, and scary.

Don’t be afraid to get help if you feel lost. Don’t wait months and months like I did. Help is out there. There is no shame in depression. It’s not your fault, you didn’t ask for it and there is help.

I have included a link to my local DBT center. It also gives a list of other DBT therapy places all over the United States.

http://www.dbtcenterso.com/index.html

I’ve had a lot on my mind these last few months as you can see. I’m super excited to say that my business of doing nails is absolutely ROCKING! I have some of the BEST clients EVER! So much has happened this year and I only had a few clients disappear. Was it due to the fluctuation of my mood because I had a lot going on in my life? I think so. But that’s ok. I’m learning fast that every single person comes into our lives for a reason; they also leave for a reason.

I plan to update this blog a lot more. I am hoping to empower more people to take control of their lives! I am looking for encouragement and would love to hear what you have to say.

Lots of love,

~B

Deterrence……

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. For so many reasons. Mainly because I exposed this blog to everyone I knew thinking I would be helping other people with what I write about on here. Ya know, subjects like family dynamics, personality disorders, kids, relationships etc. All it took was ONE comment from ONE person that I knew to completely deter
me from writing. He made me rethink everything all because I was being honest in the moment about how I felt about a situation. (Not talking about my husband). This person has had significance in my life. At the same time I look at the relationship
And I’m not sure why I care(d) so much about what he thinks or says. We have a relationship but not to the point that I should really care what he thinks….

I started this blog because I wanted to help others realize their not alone in their situations. To be a voice…..

Writing is an outlet for me. Really it’s just for me. Not for my audience. It’s like anything else you read or hear; take what you want from it and leave the rest. You don’t have to agree with me, like what I write…..etc…..but this MY blog and I’m taking it back!

I feel like there are so many areas of my life I need to take back. Maybe in time that’ll happen. Depression has a way of making you believe that nothing will ever get better…..which I think is kind of where I’m at right now.

I feel like I’m spiraling. Like at any minute I could explode. Like a ticking time bomb. There are areas of my life that I feel like I have zero control over right now. It’s literally making me crazy.

I rarely talk about “what’s really going on” because I feel like so many people have their own crap to deal with. But I think I’ll start writing again so I can relieve a little bit if the pressure.

I HIGHLY recommend unsubscribing to this blog if you know me and are going to get upset. There are a few people I’d unsubscribe myself if I knew how.

~B

Feeling Defeated

All I wanted to do was write. Now I feel self conscious writing about myself. Criticism rarely bothers me. But if you’ve been wondering this is why I haven’t been blogging. It’s not criticism from people I don’t know…it’s criticism from the people I DO know. I don’t know if there is a way to block certain people from reading my blog but if there is would you let me know!?

20140410-175924.jpg

Depression Can Hurt….

I have been ashamed of my depression pretty much my entire life. Why? Because in essence I was always made to believe that it makes me weak. Basically if I really believed that it was all in my head that eventually it would go away. I also believe my depression is for the most part circumstantial. Yes, every month I go through about 10 days where I feel emotionally crazy. But I think MOST woman feel like this! We are not crazy. We are overwhelmed. Depression is hard and can be shameful to the person experiencing it. So don’t judge. Just love!

20140322-150611.jpg